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I've umm'ed and ahh'ed about writing another blog entry, I don't like to be rushed I guess. I thought I was in a new year and heading for my 4th year quit but on perusing the site, transpires I'm heading for my 5th lol. Smoking is an enigma to me now but those who knew my habit 2+ packs a day for years can't believe I have stayed quit *cough, this site* and new friends can't imagine me as a smoker! The latter is a compliment for sure. However when I quit it was with two others. My Mum and my then boyfriend, now just one of my best friends. Both relapsed. Chris, my friend, smokes heavily again and has done for 4 years, no quit in sight. Sadly my Mum damaged herself too heavily and last May, 1 day before her 70th birthday, I stood at her bedside after the awful news she wouldn't make it - to talk her over to the other side. Our relationship had been fairly strained but I'm pleased we had marginally reconnected for a few months before she died of multiple organ failure - drinking and smoking were at the heart of it all, quite literally. I have the most awful memories and photographic evidence of me holding her hand and cuddling in as I was telling her to look for our loved ones...when we should have been preparing for her birthday. If you have children and are on the fence then please consider that it isn't just you who suffers. Get educated and be real. The quit itself is effortless now. I remember at times that I would have smoked here and smile that it means absolutely nothing, it simply a memory. My children are level 4 and 5 (red and green belt) at mixed martial arts where I used the money from quitting to put them in a club to train. I should really go to that gym I pay for more, oops, but I can still run faaarrrr better than I ever could as a smoker, even with the gaps in training haha. The quit bought me strength, joy and healthier finances....I have never looked back. I completely retrained myself with a new career and am happily teaching both Reiki healing and Tarot Cards that I trained in. My point is the quit bought me nothing but good and joy. Those who didn't commit have a painful story attached. Love to all. Marti. xx

This morning I just realized that yesterday I didn’t have one smoking thought. I had periods of boredom but I didn’t think about smoking I just did something else. I accomplished work stuff and didn’t think about having a smoke as a reward or to transition to the next task. I had stress at work and I didn’t think about having a smoke so I could deal with it better. Amazing! I’m really retraining my brain to act and think without dependence on nicotine after two months. The power of being human! Last week i had had lots of smoking thoughts. But they passed without me smoking. This week I’m not having any and I almost took it for granted. I’m celebrating the truth that it does get easier.

"But I enjoyed smoking!" I hear that again and again from folks struggling to quit. (I've heard my own inner addict's voice whisper it a thousand times.) And so I ask this question: Was smoking ever REALLY enjoyable? One of the keys to my success this time around has been to remind myself that smoking was never really something I enjoyed. Not really. Remember that very first cigarette--the burning sensation in your throat, the acrid smell of the smoke, the cough following that first hit? I still remember it. Why did I continue to smoke? It wasn't because I enjoyed it. It was because the nicotine receptors in my brain woke up after my FIRST puff and immediately began screaming for more. I was hooked from the get-go. Smoking wasn't something I enjoyed. When I really think about it, smoking was something I hated. I hated the guilt and shame. I hated sneaking around whilst trying to hide my habit from my disappointed loved ones. I hated the dirty looks I got from non-smokers when I lit up in public. I hated the smell that permeated my clothes, my skin, my hair, my car. I hated cleaning foul, dirty ashtrays. I hated spending money only to watch it burn up. I hated huddling on the porch in the cold and rain, trying to stay warm and dry while puffing away like some kind of fiend. I hated coughing every time I laughed. I hated wheezing every time I climbed even a short flight of stairs. I hated the ulcers in my nose that wouldn't heal. And I hated the fear that each cigarette brought me a little bit closer to death. So where does that sense of "enjoyment" come from? Because I thought for years that smoking was something I liked doing. That's why I threw away quits in the past--I thought I was missing out on something. But the more I learned about nicotine addiction, the more I began to realize the truth: smoking was something I did to fulfill a craving. That's it. That sense of enjoyment was actually my inner addict's sense of relief at getting another fix. Even that first cigarette of the day, which was always my "favorite," was not an enjoyable experience. It was simply providing a rush of nicotine after 8 hours of withdrawal. (Yes, even in sleep my body was always begging for another hit.) Ok, so maybe I enjoyed the lovely quiet mornings spent on my porch with a cup of coffee. Guess what? I can still enjoy those. And I can breathe in lots of fresh, clean air while I enjoy them. Because now I'm truly enjoying them. I'm not simply satisfying a need. A need I created when I took that very first puff. (Isn't that sad?) I didn't enjoy smoking. I do, however, enjoy being smoke free. Attitude is everything in a successful quit. Change your thoughts about the habit itself, and it will save you down the road. Trust me.

I think I've hit a breakthrough in my quit. I was thinking the other day about New Year's Eve and planning my adventures for the evening. (They involve pizza, pajamas, and The Twilight Zone marathon on Syfy.) I was remembering last New Year's Eve and recalling how I spent most of the day smoking as many cigarettes as I could in preparation for my quit the next day. I thought about how I spent the last moments of 2018 smoking my last cigarette, which I extinguished at 11:59pm just as the fireworks were starting in my neighborhood. And I realized something... For the first time, I didn't feel any type of nostalgia for my former habit. All I felt was relief that I don't have to deal with it this year! I won't spend the entire day running outside (into the freezing cold) to light up every 15-30 minutes. I will be able to watch an entire episode of The Twilight Zone without taking a smoke break. My pizza will taste SO much better now that my taste buds aren't dulled by smoking. My pajamas will smell like fabric softener rather than a dirty ashtray. I won't feel the rising panic as the day winds down and my quit day draws closer. I won't have a literal panic attack as I stub out my very last cigarette. I will be with my husband at midnight instead of outside on my porch. (And I'll get a New Year's kiss this year, because my breath won't stink like cigarettes.) In short, this New Year's Eve will be something to look forward to rather than to dread. Isn't that wonderful? I don't miss smoking. Not at all! I love being a non-smoker!

It seems like there's a fight going on inside, Words going stark raving mad to take flight. I hesitate, but they want a deluge To hide is something they absolutely refuse. I ponder, wait and consider all angles They run unchecked, unhinged, untangled. Do I open the gates, I wonder Would the flood tear my life asunder? They just want to be free, not like freedom today In the true sense, totally uninhibited No judging, no boundaries, no questions Free to choose their destiny, their directions. So I let them flow, crimson like the Nile millenia ago They gush out, jump, and rush head on into the world. They clash against stoic wills and egos, against logic and emotions, Some get smashed to pieces, some hit hard, some get ignored, and some unleash the demons. I feel empty inside, like suddenly the colors are gone the world is bathed in pristine white. The silence is deafening, maybe I'm not used to peace For I know that like everything, peace comes at a price.

I sailed through the first week but this week has been a lot harder. On Day 9 I became obsessed with the "have I quit too late" thought. I had read a few personal stories where people had got a smoking related health problem after they had quit, and the seed of fear spiralled out of control in my mind. I don't really regret anything in my life but I do regret relapsing so many times. I don't think I can ignore the damage smoking does or that it is a killer. I do think though I need to start focusing on the other benefits to quitting besides health. Fear and sadness at what could happen, or that other people are going through can end up being quite destructive. Positivity is a big part of any success. The rest of the week has been pretty tough going and it's as though my brain has split into two. Quit half is full of knowledge and knows that quitting is the best thing I have ever done. When this half is in charge I am at my happiest. Smoker half clearly still has a lot of catching up to do as it is constantly trying to justify why I should go and buy a packet of cigarettes. The internal debates are relentless and it has become quite overwhelming. I love the Joel Spitzer quote below. This week it definitely would have been easy to go back. I'm extra proud I have got through smoke free as it has been challenging. I've needed friends to reassure me and hold me up but I'm walking into the third week. The factor that really shows the addiction is not how hard or how easy it is to quit. What really shows the addiction is how universally easy it is to go back - Joel Spitzer

Unchartered territory. No oars, motor, navi, or map. Howdy!!! Still not sure whether or not this content will be read. How did you quit smoking? Was it planned or on a whim? Mine was both. I planned, quit, then failed,. Tried again and again. Until I finally quit. Just quit. Decided that was that, read Carr's book again (yep, first time failed), found a supportive forum. I quit. Quit. Done. Next. Moving on. I did not binge prior to my final quit. I have binged before. The mentality being -"I'm going to smoke and drink until I'm so sick I'll never want to do this again!" So, after 18+ months, I am thankfully labeled a non-smoker. ex-smoker, PERSON THAT DOES NOT SMOKE! I don't smoke. I eat. And ate. A lot. I ate too much over the course of 18 months. This evening I binged. On food. And drink. I re-read the books. A different quit starts tomorrow. I binged today knowing I would not tomorrow. This weight must come off & it will. I quit smoking. I can do anything. And I will.

babs609 Posted February 13, 2015 Quitting smoking is often referred to a roller coaster ride, and with good reason. While one minute you are feeling confident and strong that you finally "beat" that sucker. Thinking.."Yes! I'm doing it..I'm gonna make it"..only to be followed by feelings of doubt, fear, anger, frustration, sadness, lonliness..and these feelings can change within just moments. This is the part that would beat me down in prior attempts. I just was tired of the ups and downs. I think having the "ups" was actually a deterrent to my quit because it would set me up...when I would feel restless...it would piss me off because I thought I was done with all that. Please please please...keep in mind...these thoughts that just pop up out of nowhere are not YOU. Any thoughts that pop in our heads are not actually us. We aren't controlling them...we are just going about our business and them BAM! there's a thought. Now....you have a decision to make. If you are someone who normally runs with their thoughts...this could be trouble for you. You actually may believe these thoughts to be true without question. You give these thoughts power by believing they are true when in fact.....they are a complete lie all made up in your head. Being an ex-smoker in the early days or weeks of quitting without truly grasping the reality that your thoughts are not true...then you may be not only heading for relapse but are in danger of becoming a chronic relapser until you change your thought patterns. No matter what...don't believe you are a weak person. This kind of thinking re-enforces to your subconcious that other quitters are stronger and you are weaker and therefore....quitting is harder or even impossible for you. That's total BULL$HIT. That just gives the addiction more power. It's already powerful...more powerful than you. Otherwise..you would have quit long ago or maybe not even started. Although the addiction is stronger than you....it's not smarter. "Keep your friends close and your enemy's closer"....that saying couldn't be further from the truth when referring to the addiction. Learn all you can about the addiction. Don't just read....absorb it...live it...taste it....feel it...and most of all...believe it. Learn all the tricks it will try to play on you...learn what fellow quitters have done when faced with these challenges. Believe with your whole heart that you are no different than anyone else. You are not weaker than us...your addiction is not stronger than ours... Until you understand that...you will either struggle and continue this fight and give up quitting altogether until illness or death forces you to quit....OR..you will struggle and fight and relapse after relapse after relapse until you either finally absorb the teachings of fellow quitters...wasting months or years in the meantime and just making it harder for yourself than it really has to be. I wish this could be a post where a lightbulb goes off in your head and you say "aha! I got it!!! I finally got it" But that lightbulb moment is different for everyone and that's why I just ask everyone lurking and reading and contemplating quitting...to just keep coming back here...keep reading...keep reading...keep reading. Lots of posts and video's to help you "undo the brainwashing" that has been planted in your head from the years of being a smoker. It takes time......it takes patience..it takes re-enforcement... In short, it takes work...but it is sooooooo worth it. When you finally are ready...and you put down your final cigarette... Keep your arms and legs in at all times...put your buckle on...and enjoy the ride. You might as well because even though we enjoy when we feel good...it's the hard times that strengthens you. ONE DAY AT A TIME>>>ONE MOMENT AT A TIME Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/4460-the-roller-coaster-ride/

My dad died of lung cancer in September of 2006. I took care of him. I watched the horrors of the disease take over his mind and body. He was diagnosed at the end of April and it took just 5 short months to take his life. And in those 5 months, we LIVED at the doctor's office, hospital, chemo office, radiation office, emergency room - you name it, we were always there. Hardly ever at home until it came time for hospice to step in. You'd think that would have been enough for me to put the cigarettes down, but no. At least I am doing it today, I figure. I think he would at least be proud of that. My doctor harped on me endlessly about quitting because of my family history - stating how much more likely I am to get cancer because my immediate family member passed from it. You'd think that would also be enough for me to quit, hearing that every single time I go to the doctor! Doctors are smart, they know you, they care. right? My dad has just been on my mind a lot more lately than usual (he always is, but more lately) The pic is of my daddy holding me right after I was born. It's my favorite picture of me & him, always has been. Look for more blogs from me - y'all are gonna get to know me lol.. I am a very open & honest person, maybe too much so. But it is what it is ...

I am feeling very proud that I've started the new year as a non-smoker. This is my longest quit ever and I look forward to the additional days, weeks, months and eventual years of success. Even though I get a craving now and then, I am able to hold strong in my determination to have Not One Puff Ever (NOPE). Thank you to Quit Train and all the other quitters who help me get off to a strong, successful quit. Happy, successful New Year to us all! Deanna

Well, there are days when I feel like a hamster running in the wheel, huffing and puffing (figuratively, not literally), but getting nowhere. Then there are days when the sun is shining, the colours are sharper, everyone I meet is smiling and everything is just right with the world. Then come the days of Grey. When it's neither dark nor light, the day is just there...like a blob of paint that falls on the floor. I know I've got enough grit to get through the craves, and wherever I fall, there are amazing people (on this forum) that pick me up...but sometimes I'm tired of the vicious circle. There is a term the French use: l'appel du vide (Call of the void). This inexplicable feeling of jumping off a cliff, when you are standing at the edge, the sudden urge to steer into oncoming traffic. There are times when without any reason, my brain envisages me with a cigarette in my hand...and that moment I feel like my hand has a mind of it's own. I literally have to yank it off that thought...right now was one such moment. The reason I say was is because typing this made that instinct go away. So I live to fight another day. Would I term today Tranquil, Tensile or Tormented? I'd say tranquil with a smattering of tensile.

I have several circles of friends. I divide them up. Maintain relations with each of them . We are all in varying stages of life, big kids, little kids, no kids, stress, remorse, and contentment. I never really thought about how I categorize(d) my friends. Perhaps it was mentioned in passing many years ago in between banter with the bartender. I see it -so much more clearly now that I observe my young child's social interactions. I observe through a microscope and telescope. Both are equally helpful. It is amazing how I can still be an outcast in social situations. The varying social situations I often find myself in. Nearly two years ago, I was the only smoker. So I thought. Secret smokers are everywhere! I always felt on edge, wanting to leave the discussion or party just to go home and smoke in the privacy of my own patio. Being a secret smoker sucked. I felt isolated. I have a new set of friends. I've kept the old. It is safe now for me to socialize with my old friends that still smoke. Safe because I am not a smoker. I stay inside and they spend more time outside. Again, I feel isolated. They are safe because I am not a cheater. I'm inside alone with their card hands face down on the table. I'm honest. I'm a non-smoking, non-cheating crappy card player.

I’m more than two weeks smokefree. Yay me! i just sat down to work email and wanted to, visualized it actually, reaching for my pack of cigarettes. Like a ghost or shadow it was. It caught me by surprise. Reminder: I have not given anything up by not smoking. This is just the many, many years of habit acting on my brain and physical being. The muscle memory. It will take time to rewire me so I have to be patient and not give any more thought space to smoking thoughts than the initial thought itself. There is nothing to miss about smoking. I was its slave. I am free without it. I can hike up the rough trail of the mountain, I can watch a whole movie, and I can ride in a car without the window open. I have more time to be the me I want to be because I’m no longer held back by smoking.

The internal war wages on. All the way home from work yesterday, I kept thinking it's been almost two weeks, and perhaps I've earned myself a cigarette as a reward. Just one. I was completely convinced that having successfully quit smoking for 5 years and now that I'm successfully doing it again - well, it should be a no-brainer for me. I've got this, and I totally deserve it. Thought about how great that cigarette was going to be all the way home... how I was just going to have one of my husband's cigarettes and then carry on with the quit as I've been doing. Certainly he'd give me one - he loves me. About half an hour after I got home, my husband showed up and found me on the back patio. After about two minutes of small talk, I asked him to give me one of his cigarettes. He told me no, and there was no way that HE was going to be THAT person that takes me back down to zero days. Then, he said he was going back in the house, and if I wanted to come in and steal one from him, that would be up to me, but he wasn't going to just give it to me. And he left me there, and there I sat questioning everything about this quit. I stood up several times considering walking in and taking that cigarette. I logged in to QT and went to the SOS board, thinking that there was seriously nothing anybody could possibly say to me that was going to make me NOT have my reward. I thought about how much I wanted to be a non-smoker. I thought about how much I wanted that cigarette. I thought about how hard it would be on me if I had to go through Hell Week again. I thought about how I'm mentally strong enough to have just one. I was so completely torn - I felt like a complete lunatic. Either I wanted the damn thing or I didn't. But, I could not make up my mind. So, I thought, you know, let's just post an SOS and see what's what. But, when I started reading about how to post an SOS, I found myself reading another member's SOS posting. That person was having all of the same conflicting thoughts that I was. And, I read some of the responses by other members. There was so much kindness, so much truth. Strangers going out of their way to help prevent another stranger from lighting up. Just for right now. And then I started crying. I wasn't sad, or angry, or anything like that. As I look back on that dark hour of mine, I believe the feeling was frustration. Frustration from having to deny myself what I "want" everyday. It's terribly draining to be so firm with yourself. The crying seemed to help. It relieved some of the pressure and some of the tension - enough for me to really listen to what these other members were telling the SOS poster. I don't have my head on right yet. I still think of it as denying myself a cigarette, when I should be thinking that I'm denying the addiction. I'm not losing anything. But, as much as I try to tell myself that, and as much as I want to believe it, I can't quite get my head wrapped around it. So, I went out to read up on addiction some more / again and reaffirmed my NOPE commitment, and watched some QT videos about smoking (again) and then... @Sslip must have noticed that I was "liking" posts on the SOS thread and then must have noticed that I was re-NOPEing, and took the time to check on me. Just to make sure I was OK. It took me almost half an hour to reply, because the gesture of reaching out to me during my struggle got me crying all over again. I realized that I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that I couldn't have a cigarette. Ridiculous as that sounds, it's how I was feeling. And the fact that I was being ridiculous made me FEEL ridiculous. Eventually I responded that I was "struggling a little bit" (understatement of the century), took a few deep breaths, and thanked my husband for not letting me have one. (He admitted that the look in my eye was clear - I was going to smoke.) If it weren't for the old posts here and Sslip's thoughtfulness, I'd be back to Day 1 again today. Or Day 0 - who knows if I'd've actually only had the one. I owe today's continued quit to all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. If you're reading this, please pay it forward by posting your own threads. Posts, blogs, anything. It may not happen today or next month, but eventually, someone will read it at just the right moment.

Nancy Quit Date: 07/07/2013 Posted April 7, 2014 · IP Bonnie, I looked and it did not originate there, so here it is... THE SMALL DARK ROOM; an analogy of a quit (Reposted from Laurap414 from The QuitNet ) Once, my existence was confined to a small, dark room. In the room was a button. When I pressed the button the room was filled with light. It was a warm, sunny light, which filled every crevice of the room with its brilliance. The light made me happy, and made me feel safe. The problem was, after a few minutes, the light would begin to fade. Soon the room would be completely dark again and I would have to press the button again. My life consisted of always getting to that button when the darkness began to fall. The darkness was scary. It was tiring getting to that button hour after hour. And in this life, it was always, always night. I heard people say that if you could endure one night in the dark, without pushing that button, you could experience Day. In Day, the button would not be needed. It would always be light, and there would be no dark to be afraid of. People said that when it was Day, you could actually leave the room. The button was still there, but you would not be reliant on it anymore. I remembered my life before the button, and looked at my friends who lived in the Day. And I knew that was what I wanted, more than anything. I hated it always being night; even though I had my button to light the world it was still depressing living from brightness to darkness, never being free, and never seeing the sun. And so one day I decided to stop pushing the button, to try and be free. At first, the darkness was a little uncomfortable. I could not see a thing, but then again the light had only been out for a short while. I knew what was in the room, no monsters there, right? Just the dark. But then, as the night progressed, scary things began to happen. I heard strange noises in the dark. Sometimes ghosts and apparitions would appear to me. And each time, no matter how much I wanted to be brave, something scared me so bad that I would reach for that button again. I never made it for more than a few hours in the dark. I would run screaming for the button, and give it a good smack. Thank God!!! The light would be warmer and more lovely than it had ever been. But then, as always, the light would begin to fade. And I would realize to my horror that it was midnight again. And I was even more afraid of the encroaching dark than ever. One day I heard of a group of people who had made it through to Day. I wanted to get out of my terrible night, and so I asked them how they made it to dawn, and then to sunrise and Day. And they told me some secrets. They told me how to deal with the ghosts who would appear in the dark, how the room would change and how all sorts of horrible things would happen. They warned me that it would be worse than a nightmare at times, but that I could do it. Best of all, they said they would help me make it through the night. This is the story of how it happened, one minute at a time. 11:59 pm. I push the button for the Very Last Time. I am very afraid.. 12:00 midnight. The room is dark. Not so bad. I can do this. 12:15 am Hearing scary noises. Scared, but Im ready for this. I can do it. 12:30 am A man appears out of nowhere. "Push the button!!!!" he screams. "Arent you afraid of the monsters? Arent you scared of the demons? Push the button! It will be light again!!!! Just do it!!!!". He is scaring me. I look at him fiercely. He goes away. He comes back many times during the night. 1:00 am The floor has turned to snakes. I am horrified. I can hear them slithering around. I want to turn on the light. I need to see them. I need them to go away. I ask my friends and they say this is normal, that it will get better. 1:30 am I can hear moans in the dark. The snakes are still here. I think this room is haunted. I am so scared of the dark. I want to push the button so the light will make the ghosts go away. I keep telling myself I am headed towards the dawn. 1:45 am Something cold and dead brushes my face. I scream. I reach for the button. My friends tell me Im doing a great job. They tell me the noises are just phantom noises. They tell me to think of the coming dawn. The snakes are still around my legs. I think the floor is getting wet and sticky, I cant tell. The noises are getting stranger. I am shivering with fear and revulsion. 2:00 am If it werent for my friends I would have gone insane or hit the button hours ago. I begin to think that the floor is wet and sticky with the blood of people who have killed themselves in here. My friends tell me its just my own sweat. I know that if I hit the button it will all go away. The noises are unbearable. My only comfort is knowing I have made it this far. I tell myself I can make it a little longer. I break down in tears from exhaustion. 2:15 am Its getting a little better now. The dark is still filled with bizarre monsters and strange sounds. 2:30 am I look out the window to see if the sun is coming up yet. It is still pitch dark. I cannot see a thing. 2:45 am The scariest part of night. I sense that I am surrounded by ghouls. I am trying to be strong even though I am beside myself with fright. Suddenly a woman appears in the room. She is holding a candle. She looks like a very competent lawyer or something, and looks very kind. I am so relieved to see her, and I invite her to sit down. She explains that she has contacted the owners of the room and that they have agreed to make an exception for me. Since I am experiencing so much fear, they will let me push the button once without setting the clock back to midnight (right back where I started). She said that they have been watching me, and since Ive been so brave, they will allow me a little bit of light to "get me through the night". "I thought that once I hit the button, I go right back to where I started no mater what", I say. "No, no, we have made a special exception in your case," she says, smiling. She looks so caring and professional. I begin to believe her. She seems completely trustworthy. I look over the contract she has brought. It all looks very legal and above-board. I get to push the button once, and the clock is not set back to midnight. It sounds extremely sensible. I am listening to the noises in the dark. There is a big bump from the darkest corner. "What was that?" I say. "That was a ghoul," she says pleasantly. "It will rip your throat out and kill you if it gets you. So not to rush things, but perhaps you want to sign the contract right NOW". I look into her eyes. I want to believe her. I reach for the pen. And then I see behind her smile, this evil green glimmer. And I smell death on her clothes. With horror, I realize that she has been sent by the Nicodemon. She is pure evil. She leans in closer, and hands me the pen. I pull back. "Get away!" I scream. "Get out of here at once!!!!". "Oh no, sweetie" she says in her pleasant voice of death. "You asked me to sit down. You read my contract. Im going to stay a while". I know she is in league with the Demon but I cant seem to move or scream. I am transfixed with her voice, her glinting eyes, her tempting smile. "Why dont we sit and chat awhile my dear?" she smiles sweetly. It seems like two hours pass. I cannot move. I have never been so scared. Crazily, I still think about signing the contract she is holding. I think of how hitting the button would make her go away. Finally I summon all of my strength, and with great effort I am able to make myself realize that she is evil and full of lies. Finally, when I admit this to myself, she stands up to leave . "Ill be back for you!!!!!!" she shrieks as she leaves. I smell her horrible stench after she goes and I want to vomit. I am shaking with the effort and terrified, but I realize I have won a battle. I am slightly proud. 3:00 am Still afraid but hanging in there. Telling myself Ive made it this far. Trying to ignore the snakes and ghouls. When I ignore them they are not so bad. 3:15 am The man keeps coming back. He is not as scary anymore. 4:00 am I think I can finally see the dawn rising in the far distance. I am completely exhausted. But I think , this is it! I have made it to Day! I am very excited. 4:15 am A little old lady appears. She is very sweet looking and gentle. "Hi honey!" she says. "Hi there" I say, glad for some company. "Rough night, huh?" she says. "Ill say", I agree. I feel relaxed, relieved, happy, so proud of myself. "And youve done such a great job," she says. I thank her for the compliment. "Such a great job, " she says, "that you deserve to hit that button one more time. Just to see it once before its gone. It was such a lovely light wasnt it?" she says sweetly. "It was a lovely light," I say. I look fondly at the button, and then look outside to the greying sky, which is filling with a dirty pale light. I think of my brilliant warm light and how it used to cheer me up instantly. "You do deserve it," she says. We chat for some time about what a great job Ive done getting through the night. She is a very sweet and understanding lady. We stroll around the room for a while, and then I look down. When I do, I realize my hand is on the button. I look into the nice ladys eyes, and suddenly I see the glint of evil green grinning back at me. "Why dont you push the button now?" she growls, in a voice that sounds like the grave. "AARGH!" I yell. I jerk my hand off the button. The lady vanishes in a puff of noxious fumes. But her words were powerful poison and it is a while before I can walk away from the button. I am terrified by the close call. 4:15 am Its getting brighter now. 5:00 am Things are going OK. I have survived a few more close calls. The old lady came back, and so did the lawyer lady, but I fought them off. The snakes and ghouls I realize were only in my head. Things are looking normal. I can see again! 6:00 am Sunrise! I never thought I would see it. Its only a matter of time before I get to see the Day. I realize I will never need my horrible button again. I am so relieved I could just cry. I am full of gratitude and thanks. I am so proud of myself, so humble. Ive come so far. And then I hear the voice. It is icy cold and gravelly, and sounds like a thousand monsters whispering together. It comes from everywhere and nowhere, it echoes through my brain. "There are monsters everywhere, my friend," it says. "There are monsters which can attack you in the grey light of dawn, monsters under the bed at sunrise, and monsters which will haunt you invisibly during the Day. These monsters can only be conquered by pressing that magic button. Did you think that daylight would protect you? Oh no. Never forget that the monsters are ALL AROUND, my friend. And the button is the only thing that will keep them away FOREVER. So watch out where you step, and listen wherever you go". I am chilled. I am terrified. I look to make sure the button is not far away. It is still there, and I am slightly comforted by this. The sunrise is not as safe as it seemed. 6:15 am I look around for day-monsters. Sometimes I can see them lurking under the bed. I had no idea that I would be afraid after sunrise. I miss my brilliant warm light. Just waiting for Day to come. 7:00 am. Sun keeps rising. Doing much better now. Monsters are less frightening. Really beginning to feel positive. 7:15 am Getting very bright. Feeling great. Knock at the door. Its the neighbour. "Hey lady," he says. "Howya doing in here? Listen, I dropped off because I noticed your light wasnt on. I just wanted to let you know that if you push that button over there, you can see a whole lot better!" "Yeah I know", I say, "but when you push the button, it stays night. The longer I leave it off, the brighter it gets, and eventually itll be as bright as Day." "Well, I hate to tell you this," he says, "but you know, it never really gets as bright in the Daytime as that light was. I mean, I tried that whole Day thing and it aint what its cracked up to be. Sure, the light gets kind of bright during the Day, but then there are cloudy days, and whatnot. And you can never really read a book with the same amount of clarity as you get with that button". "Really?" I say. "I did not know this. Because you know, I am a big reader". "Oh, yeah, that Day light, its never the same! You cant read by Day light!!! Not the way you can with this baby you got right here. I tell you what -if you want, I can jimmy this light so that it doesnt get dark at all! That way, itll be on all the time, and youll NEVER know its night outside. What do you think?" "You can do that?" I say. "I mean, I tried that before. I tried a LOT of different things to make it not seem so bad. But I still knew it was night. That light still kept going out." "No, no, no -- that was last time. I guarantee you I can fix it so that you will never feel scared that its night, and that light will always be on. Believe me, it beats the hell out of Day. I promise you. I mean look at this crappy light", he said, jerking his thumb towards the weak sunrise. "Well, OK" I said. "What do I have to do?" "Just push the button once, so I can get it going, then youll be all set," he said. "And if you dont like it, you can always try this Day thing another time, right?" He grinned pleasantly, and gave me a friendly wink. I looked him over to size him up. He was really a good-looking guy, so friendly and polite. It was obvious he knew what he was talking about, and he had a very honest face. Perhaps, I thought, my friends were wrong about this Day thing? I mean, here was a guy who could just rig up my button to fix it up just like that. And it sounded like he knew from experience that the button light was better and brighter than Day. Plus he had promised that it would work. Why would this guy lie to me? He was still standing there, smiling at me. "OK" I said, "What the heck". And I reached to shake his hand. "Excellent" he grinned. But as he smiled I got a glimpse of what was between his lips, and saw that his mouth was full of maggots. Suddenly I realized that he reeked of rotting corpses and death, and when I touched his hand, it felt like cold icy death. I looked into his eyes and saw that I was staring face-to-face with none other than the Nicodemon. "Nicodemon!!!" I shrieked. "Yes, my dear" he growled, and as he grinned at me, moving his face closer to mine, his breath smelled like ashes and cancer. "Just push that button and Ill fix that little button for you RIGHT AWAY". The maggots were still spilling out of his mouth, and to my horror I realized that his body was made up of decaying flesh. Every surface of his body was covered with sores, and from the sores leaked pus and phlegm. I looked down and saw that I was still clutching his rotting, deadened hand. "Argh!" I yelled. "You are a LIAR!!!!!! That stuff is not true! What you say is never true!!! You cant fix that button! If I push it Ill be back in the night! The button will not make the monsters go away! It never did! All it did was keep me in eternal night!!!!! NOW GO AWAY AND GET OUT OF HERE!!!!!! YOU BASTARD!!!!!" And I kicked him right in the balls. "AAAAAUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!" shrieked the Nicodemon. With a cloud of poisonous fumes and toxic gases he began to melt into a puddle of phlegm, until nothing was left of him except a small pile of ash. "Ha". I said. I swept up the ash and put it outside. I had won this battle, and I deserved to be proud. I had outwitted the most clever villain of all. And I had done it all by myself (with a little help from my friends). But I knew he would be back. Epilogue Sometime Around High Noon Well the sun has finally come up and its Day. Its everything my friends promised it would be. The sun is out, the birds are singing, and its simply glorious. Eventually, I even walked out of that small dark room, and left the button behind. The best part about it is, the sun never goes down here. It just stays high noon all day long, and the sun is shining almost all the time. My friends are here with me, and we never have to go back into that horrible night. The Demon came back a few more times, in a few more disguises. He almost fooled me that night that I went through the dark, and he might fool me again. But Ive got my friends behind me and they tell me about the different tricks he likes to use. He is a crafty, conniving, horrible, evil spirit, and I know that he will always do everything in his power to try and get me back. But I will be ready, and waiting. And God willing, Ill keep outwitting that son-of-a-bitch. Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/343-the-dark-room/

Still winning Location: Aylesbury, Buckinghamshire, England Quit Date: 12th March 2014 Posted August 2, 2014 Hi Abby, I think if we don't understand it can be too daunting to quit. I, like many others, knew that times when we couldn't smoke were hard (train journey, plane, car etc). We were pretty desperate by the time we could smoke again. That's because after 20 minutes or so, the nicotine in a cig starts to come out of your blood stream - it creates a lack which grows and hey presto, you think about smoking and do so the next time you can. Hope this makes sense so far To not smoke is actually easier, really, I'm being straight with you. Yes initially, you get those cravings, but they are only thoughts and can only control us if we let them. After that you actually don't start to crave every 20 minutes or so, it just gets less and less. Hoping this still makes sense and trying to take you the science type route. Emotionally it's a journey. However there are literally millions of ex smokers, look at it logically, if it were that hard millions wouldn't be able todo it Allen Carr book called easy way to stop smoking works great for some folks. You can still smoke while you read it. Whyquit.com worked better for me as did reading all the info on this site that's pinned at the top of each forum. People say education is key and it's true. When we can start to change our mindset from we need to smoke to be ok it gets easier. And that's where the self education comes in, you basically read and get info that appeals to your personality but the end result is the same. We know smoking is bad for us, we choose to ignore it. Educating means we can stop ignoring it and realize some uncomfortable times and some fabulous times (honest there is both!!) mean nothing in the face of the freedom we all now feel. Better health, better finances but also self worth. Keep talking as something you say may trigger something in you that makes your mind start to work against the addiction and read up, it honestly does help. Worst case, it can't hurt to do some reading and some talking right. xx Link to original thread: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/8-posting-an-sos/

This post was written by a member of another forum by the name of jwg and brought over to preserve it. And although I never knew him his ability to write about his addiction and his approach to dying spoke to me. RIP jwg..... A lazy Texas river spanning form Kerr county Texas to the San Antonio bay on the Gulf of Mexico. If you ever need to find a place to relax enjoy the sunshine while refreshing from the hot Texas sun, nothing beats a lazy day tubing down the slow winding of deep greens and blue. Some place your arm able to reach down and feel the stones polished by the millenniums. Hiding secrets of the Alamo and days gone by. A sacred place, where no worries in the world can follow, No troubles from work are allowed to enter, only you and your desire to be at peace can break the waters edge. In my resent ventures over this past summer I had the opportunity to experience the river , its majesty and glory , Not only was I with the river I was with the finest people in the world to share the experience. By day floating lazily carefree and by night telling stories lounging about the cabin or sitting under the stars on the porch, cooking out burgers some night or fajita’s.. I often think of that trip and the fun we all had, to go back in time , even in memory can be so nice . Some days we would float solo or holding hands keeping close together. other days we banded are pack together by twine and traveled the river as one , like a Robin Hood and his merry men , or maybe Tom Sawyer and some of his boy hood chums. One particular day we were going solo , but I lashed the tube with the cooler to my rig 6 hours or so , surly you need some sort of refreshment and maybe even pull up on to a clear shore line for a bite to eat.. And so we did. After lunch two of are young explores Decided to forgo the tubes, swim a bit and comb the bottom of the river for secret hidden treasures,, Lost sunglass or the mother load a Iphone or other such valuable loot. Now with no use for there tubes , the young explores piled them on top of the cooler . So there I was, in my tube tied to a stack of three tubes and a cooler. To which the wind had greater strength to control then the slow easiness of the river current. Some times I would find the wind speeding me along , while others the wind dragging me back and my group of merry band of men flowing down the river far in front of me. While still enjoying the river the ride and the scenery I really had no control of the speed of my travel , to which side of the river I would coast. Sometimes the wind would bring me in to the tree line . Catching me on limbs and others casting me out into the deeper waters. Basicly I was at the mercy of powers much greater then myself.. As history repeats itself ,, this is where I find myself once more, only today laying in my hospital bed. With each day that passes more tubes are added to my burden, and now with each tube the wind carries me faster down the river then we could have ever imagined. Just a few hundred yards back the option of chemo loomed in the air to slow the winds and the current giving me more time to enjoy the river, but now once more due to powers beyond my control I find myself helpless. My illness grows faster then can be controlled. I am at peace, I am comfortable. I am in my tube enjoying every last minute of my ride Down the Guadalupe I can not see the end to the river nor do I look forward to its end.. I have my friends , I have my family , I have you all , and I have the love of a beautiful women , my angel, my everything to comfort and care for me I love you all And will to my best keep you posted In the mean time Don’t put things in your mouth and light them on fire !!

Welp - I guess it's time to start the blog and not clog up the threads: This is my 2nd try but it doesn't seem to show up?? But anyhow!! TEAM DEADPOOL is officially GAME ON! Today was another good day! I'm 1/2 way through my radiation treatments with only 5 days to go (excluding weekends)! After this AM's treatment I met back with my radiation/oncology team. They have reduced my steroid intake to only 1 pill a day which means the treatments are doing their job. They plan to wait 60-90 days for my next MRI to make sure everything is A-OK and that is the best waiting time to get the best results. He knew they were waiting on that 'thumbprint' gene however had not known that it was confirmed and immediately ran out to check my files. When he came back he seemed as relieved as we did yesterday! He wanted to make sure I wasn't having any side effects or vision changes (which I haven't) and advised again that in the up-coming weeks I may start to see my hair falling out. Again - small potatoes but considering I have long thick hair and they keep looking at it like 'we just don't know' and I also feel they don't want me to 'lose' site of the fact that it may or will happen just so I'm prepared. But in all honesty I do expect to lose it - and that's OK and the least of my worries at this point. All my vitals were totally normal and now that I'm down to just the 1 steroid a day sleep should hopefully come a lot easier now and I'll be over the whole 'zinging' around with this unfiltered energy at odd hours of the night. Fingers crossed!! I made my 1st frozen fruit juice pops this AM and got to try them when we got back - I have to say I'm impressed with myself lol. My mom even liked them and said it took her sweet tooth edge away. Later on I cut up some kiwi and had her try it, she actually ended up stopping by the store on her way home to pick some up she liked it so much! You go mamma!! Tonight we dine on whole wheat spaghetti - this will be a 1st for me so we'll see how it goes. A nice fresh salad mix with berries, nuts, a tad of parm cheese and homemade dressing! MMMM - cant wait!! I'm just feeling really good!! I didn't push today and even rested and recharged which was what I needed as the last thing I need to do is burn myself out. All positive thoughts and trying to find that balance with everything seems to be pulling together at last. Gearing up for the next level so to speak. I hope everyone has a great night and no matter where you are in this battle never give up - never give in or Team Deadpool will come kick your ASS!!!!

I have so much blog material at the moment. But this is one I find myself going back to today. It is so hard to be honest about addiction, not just to the outside world, but to yourself. Being critical, not scared of the cold hard truth. The courage to look yourself in the eye and explore that impulse emotion when someone calls the addiction by it's name. I posted about my relapse last night. And I found the support overwhelming, and I thank all of you that had my back. I could've said nothing. I could've forgiven myself and just leave it at that. -Which is so not me btw- BUT I think it's REALLY important for people who are quitting and haven't experienced the crisis I had this weekend, to know about this, so they can come up with a plan! AND ! BE HONEST! I did have a plan for crisis situations, when the fish tank broke down and my living room was covered with an inch of water, I knew what to do, cause I have been in such a situation before. I posted a &^@^# on the forum and I called a few friends to help me through the chaos. This crash was a new experience all together. And for everyone that have no experience in that kind of crisis it's hard enough to keep your head together and come up with something on the spot. Autistic crisis means "new" = *flat-line*= no plan.. nothing besides the chaos and sounds, feelings, lights, voices (that you can't decipher while they are definitely speak the same language as you right?) and all are dumped on a brain that just cannot process it .. I had a complete meltdown on the street and the cops had to call my crisis coach who came but couldn't stay the night (which is understandable). In other somewhat similar crisis modes when I didn't have a coach yet or when I couldn't get in contact with my coach, I went over to my neighbour a few houses down the street. She is an autism coach - not mine- and knows how to calm me down. And her door is always open even if it's 5 am in the morning. Now on to the solution! Because all of the above is just background information and "the why" is not that important. The "How to move on" is. My first thought was: " I have to be honest about it. I have to confess, not sugarcoat it, not sweep it under the rug." This will prevent: Shame - I don't know about you guys, but I HATE lying, I can't even.. I will say the most stupid things to people, which are true, but not really appropriate at that time. I have tried to train this, but it gives me more stress than necessary. So it's what you see is what you get with me. So IF I decided to withhold this information, I will be ashamed and that would prevent me from getting the right help. So BE HONEST! Junky thoughts getting a hold on me - If I not fess up to this, my Junky-me will be stronger next time this presents it self. And not the relapse it self, but the chance to actually relapse becomes bigger. If I could lie then, why not..... BE HONEST! Putting a new plan into place: Make a list of every smoker I know and TELL them. Don't try to be the lone bad ass wolf that defies the nicotine on her own when being with these people. (And yes, I should've told her a few weeks back when I ran in to her at the grocery store that I quit smoking - that is all on me! ) Asking for help with this list cause this is all I can come up with now

Renewed my effort to quit following more thoughtful watching of Allen Carr's video and mindfulness moments while I smoked. It is day five. Days one and two dragged, with many strong cravings. Days three through five passed by without too much trouble from cravings until late afternoon and this evening. I resorted to using a 14 mg patch -- I want to see how much of this is psychological for me and how much is physical craving. I'd say it is psychological, far and above physical. Today cravings were intense and I breathed and just sat mindfully through them. Perhaps four times I told myself that I was going to cave, so just go to the store and get it over with. I reminded myself of how nasty the cigarette would taste after nearly a week of not having one to blunt my taste buds. I reminded myself of the tangible harm I notice that is done -- irreparable, I think, though I am hoping for a little bit of healing. Day five is closing, I am going to sleep. I think tomorrow will be better than today because I have the practice of having worked through some strong urges to go and buy cigarettes. It's pouring rain right now (typical Seattle weather), and I like falling asleep to the sound of rain. Not ready to join the NOPE pledge yet. I want more time, more days, of being quit first. I have a lot of failures in my past and don't want to let myself down again. I feel hopeful, but I have been hopeful before. For now, I am just grateful to have succeeded for five days.

So I am in kind of a haze, certain things going on personally which make me question a lot of things I thought I knew. Long story short, if I ever had any excuse (that being the operative word here) it would be now. However I don't want to, and I certainly don't feel like. In fact, I'm almost disappointed since I realize that smoking won't help puff the problem away. There were times when stress at work or home equated to stepping out and lighting up. Absolutely sure that it never resolved the problem, but those 5 minutes were about romanticizing the damn thing. And right now, I'm in a mode where I'm seeing everything in black and white. No grays. So no escaping stuff, most certainly not with the nico stick in hand. Strange how life can drag you down, and that's where you recognize or find the hard truths, the kind that stick with you. Sometimes you gotta get dragged through the mud for the dirt to wash off. Maybe this is an important step in my quit, maybe it's just an indication of things getting better or worse (black or white remember). All I know is I am not going to make plans or guesses, all I know, whatever comes I will fight it head on. And I won't fail.

A very reflective weekend this one, on the back of a semi-hectic week at work. On Saturday, watched a play related to the 26th November 2008 attacks on Mumbai (today is the 10th anniversary of those horrific attacks). The play was a monologue of the man behind the attacks - David Coleman Headley, an American Pakistani who orchestrated these attacks and conducted the recce which was used to plan and map out where they would take place. The actor (someone I know personally) potrayed that part so well that I wanted to hit him at one point in time during the play. But more than anger, it left me in a very reflective state of mind. I started thinking about how each and every action we do has a reaction, has an effect, even though at times we may not see it or even be a party to it. Our actions have far reaching consequences that we don't think about. Relating this to smoking, I was wondering how many of those cigarette butts I threw are currently polluting the ocean...they are the biggest polluters of our oceans and planet today. Sunday, I went for my first drive with an organisation I work with here in Mumbai, an NGO which collects leftover food from events, marriages, restaurants and distributes it among the less fortunate. This was a drive where we also taught the kids alphabets and numbers. Sitting at home, being able to order food from an app or cook whatever we want, makes us forget what hunger is, and what appreciation for what we have on our table is. This Sunday morning reminded me of that, and I was more thankful for what I have than crib about what I don't. I'm still thinking, today, of how much money I blew up in "smoke" which could have been put to better use. How a troubled childhood caused a man to grow up and be responsible for 170 deaths, how hunger can make people do things they normally wouldn't. Sorry if this is sobering or pensive, but just wanted to share.

Colleen Quit Date: 6/2/13 Posted June 13, 2015 I was scared too. Thought I had this super addictive personality and all those who had successfully quit before me weren't really addicted to smoking. Shortly after you quit, you are going to figure it out, but I'll let you in on the secret now...it's a bunch of baloney. Nobody is more addicted to smoking than anyone else. It's the monster otherwise known as nicotine playing tricks on you, kick his ass to the curb because once you let go of that illusion everything seems to fall into place. Remember sticking your toe in the pool and thinking it's much too cold to swim in? Do you also remember once you jumped in (or were pushed in) you realized it wasn't that bad at all? That is exactly what quitting smoking is like. It's 10 times more easier than you thought it was. Okay, so it's not always rainbows and unicorns, but it's nowhere as bad as you think it is. Trust me, this is coming from someone that couldn't go 3 hours without a cigarette. Or trust my ticker, it doesn't lie Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/5481-are-you-scared-to-quit-smoking/

cpk Quit Date: 02/04/2015 Posted July 1, 2015 I don't know if month 5 is like going around a big bend towards magical month 6, but the promise that "it gets better" is not just empty words. I still have anxiety, but not as much. There are actually some days when I don't think about smoking at all. When I go through rough patches of anxiety or a crummy day I remind myself, "Everything isn't always about quitting smoking." This is a really exciting journey. It has been hard, but SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO worth the effort. This post is for newbies, in the early days and weeks of quitting. It can be hard. But it gets easier. Sometimes it's hard to get through the hours. Then suddenly a whole day, or days go by in utter freedom. HANG ON. The promise is real. It DOES GET BETTER Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/5573-the-promise-is-real-wow/

When I was in the shower I started thinking about my history with the cigarette. And I thought it might be an interesting story to share as so many others have been through the same thing. I was introduced to the normality of tobacco when I was 4 years old. Every male member of my family was a smoker. My granddad on my dad's side was the king; He smoked every variation there was: cigarettes, pipe, cigars and even prune (of course that last one he did not light up :P) . My mom's dad smoked camels - oddly enough I have smoked that same brand for many many years. My dad made his own roll-ups, which I as a 4 year old could buy and roll for my dad. He loved that.. and I loved doing it, cause I was good at it. For many many years we, as kids, were surrounded by poison and it left an imprint. It was normal, it was your right as a human being, it was your own choice. I didn't even think it was cool as a teenager. It was just normal. A way to ease emotions, get through lunch breaks at school, a way to find new friends on the schoolyard. In the 90's the " anti-tobacco lobby" started to grow. We used to call it that because me and my alternative/grungy friends thought we were pushed into the boring bourgeois life and the whole cancer thing was overrated and just a way to scare us. At the beginning of the millennium the realization became real and the severity started to show. I didn't cough but the rest of my friends started to show cracks. So when I wanted to get pregnant in 2001 I stopped, without any hesitation. There was no doubt in my mind it was bad for a baby, and "it" didn't have that voice yet, so I had to be the voice of reason. Unfortunately I relapsed when Morrigun was 7 months old. I didn't feel bad about it. I didn't see the danger.. Now I know that I didn't see myself as a non smoker at that time, but as a smoker that temporarily did not smoke for good reasons. And then, there was the internet. Stuff got out, articles got published, facts started to emerge.. and it finally seeped in , slowly but surely - this is bad for me! Really bad! Looking back it's no wonder that I started smoking, it was such a normal thing - but I do regret every cig, every puff - and at the same time I do forgive myself for it. The only way to get where I want to be, is to "NOPE" every single day, every single moment - and come to terms with myself as a human being.

Third day... what to say what to say. I am okay during the day, I have no cravings until 4 pm, I wasn't a during-the-day smoker.. I hated that first cigarette in the morning. The whole head rush was something I wasn't into. But when the sun goes down my head goes in to a tale spin and I really have to focus on my quit and determination to be a happier and healthier person and give myself the gift of life. I avoid my friends at the moment. I know they will give me a cig when I ask for it. And I know I am not strong enough to go head to head with temptation yet. But eventually I have to face those demons too. But first things first, get through this night and work through all the feelings and emotions. Upside: Smell and taste are improving! The boyfriend unit is very proud of me, he watched some of the documentaries with me last night - he is sweet like that. Oh oh oh and! I have a pumpkin to carve!! Decided to go with Dragonball this year - I will keep you updated with pictures when I start carving

So yes, I know the first question that might pop up in your head is wait, what? Superheroes and smoking? What kinda connection is that? Well, I'm a huge nerd/geek/fangirl (whatever other fancy term you may want to use) and a big big follower of the comic book/superhero universe. And though I love both DC (Batman, Superman, Aquaman, Wonder Woman, The Flash, Green Lantern, Cyborg, Green Arrow etc) and Marvel (Ironman, Spiderman, Dr. Strange, Thor, Hulk, Hawkeye, Thanos, Loki etc) the one guy that stands above all for me is Batman. Why him you may ask? Because Batman is amongst that rare breed of superheroes, who doesn't necessarily have any superpower, per se. He's not faster than a speeding bullet, webs don't shoot out of his hands, he doesn't have the strength of a God. In fact, he's a lot more human than any other superhero I know. What he has is grit and determination, to train better, have better gadgets, use technology and science to overcome superhuman challenges, and yes of course he's rich :p Point being, Batman grapples with his own self every single day, when confronted with the question: Why does he fight? Why not leave it to the others who have a lot of extra things going for them. Why put his mind and body through incessant beatings, efforts and still see himself come up short sometimes against people with higher abilities, and then why doesn’t he give up, but enter the foray again? And the answer he gets is because he can. Because it is possible to try and make his city (Gotham) safer. Because he can fight back, even if not win each time. Because the body may heal, but not acting when he could have, that scar the mind cannot get rid off. Day after day, he chooses to fight and each time he chooses not to bow down to his own fears, he wins. That's where each of our battles with smoking come in. Nicotine addiction is a relentless foe. I have read so many posts here about people coming so close to smoking. Some in week 3, some in month 5, some even after a year or more. It sneaks up on you in your weakest moments, and makes you believe that lighting up will solve everything that is going on with you. And each of us fights that addiction, day in day out, incessantly. Each one of us is a superhero. We’ve all got our weaknesses, our problems, but each one of us chooses to fight them rather than give in to the craving of smoking. It’s the easier bit, giving in. But keeping on fighting, now that is the stuff of legends. So kudos to each and every one of you. As Alfred Pennyworth (Batman’s Butler and confidante) once reminded him: Why do we fall sir? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.

Today I am celebrating my first week of freedom ? I have bought lots of great food and just plan on relaxing and enjoying the day (will obviously watch the Joel Spitzer videos for today at some point). I thought about what reward I could give myself to mark this special day, then I realised I have already given myself the greatest gift of all .......... I quit smoking ?

This is my fight song Take back my life song Prove I'm alright song My power's turned on Starting right now I'll be strong I'll play my fight song And I don't really care if nobody else believes Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me By Rachel Platten

I posted a celebration and mentioned some things I'd lost because I quit smoking, but I also want to mention what I've gained … the QuitTrain Community. Every has been so very supportive and I know that I can come hang out any time I need support or want to be supportive. THANK YOU ALL! I'm celebrating my losses... My last thought before heading home is no longer "do I need to stop for smokes?" I no longer park in the back lot where the smoking area is; I park in the front lot. I don't have to stand in the cold or rain to enjoy a smoke. OR THIS FREAKY WARM WIND!!!! Sorry I still have issues. I don't worry about not spending money so I always have enough for cigarettes. I don't worry about how I smell. The hand sanitizer in my car is for sanitizing--not smellatizing. I don't need to ask where the smoking area is. Travel time no longer includes a smoke on arrival.

I have read about the acronym, H A L T, in recovery paraphernalia and have used it to a great degree of success in changing my patterns from a nicotine addict to a Free person. Having a Crave ? H. A. L. T. Are you Hungry - Thirsty - need a deep breath of Oxygen ? Angry - Happy - Emotional ? Lonesome - Bored ? Tired ? In many, many instances, when I would reach for a smoke, my poor body was actually trying to alert me that it needed attention in some way. My addiction silenced these natural signals. I still catch myself these days...no, it is no longer a crave, it is my body hollering for water or food or something it really needs ! Now, groovin' in my new freedom, when these signals come up, my first thought may still be, 'Oh cigarette, dammit' However, it is followed immediately by, 'No, not smokes...you're Hungry, baby !' or, you're thirsty or, you need to go sit outside and take a big gulp of oxygen and figure out what your body or spirit requires. The piracy that nicotine practiced is still mind-boggling to me. Allowing nicotine to take over my basic human needs of sustenance and comfort was a grave error on my part. I am grateful my body is so forgiving . I am grateful to be free. Free and learning how to read my body's signals and remembering how to take good care of it. So, next time you have what you assume to be a Nic fit, have a think...what is your body really telling you ? It won't be hard to figure out. For me it has been obvious and I have to wonder, how could I have neglected my body for so long ? It is a miracle it survived. I would like to include our friend, Joel Spitzers' Do You Want A Cigarette....H.A.L.T.

This is so motivating and in fact, it's what I kept handy on my phone when I first quit. I would look at it several times per day as motivation to keep it moving and not look back. Within ... 20 minutes Your blood pressure, pulse rate and the temperature of your hands and feet have returned to normal. 8 hours Remaining nicotine in your bloodstream has fallen to 6.25% of normal peak daily levels, a 93.75% reduction. 12 hours Your blood oxygen level has increased to normal. Carbon monoxide levels have dropped to normal. 24 hours Anxieties have peaked in intensity and within two weeks should return to near pre-cessation levels. 48 hours Damaged nerve endings have started to regrow and your sense of smell and taste are beginning to return to normal. Cessation anger and irritability will have peaked. 72 hours Your entire body will test 100% nicotine-free. Over 90% of all nicotine metabolites (the chemicals nicotine breaks down into) have passed from your body via your urine. Symptoms of chemical withdrawal have peaked in intensity, including restlessness. Unless use cues have been avoided, the number of cue induced crave episodes experienced during any quitting day have peaked for the "average" ex-user. Lung bronchial tubes leading to air sacs (alveoli) are beginning to relax in recovering smokers. Breathing is becoming easier and your lung's functional abilities are improving. 5 - 8 days The "average" ex-smoker is down to experiencing just three cue induced crave episodes per day. Although we may not be "average" and although minutes may feel like hours when normal cessation time distortion combines with the body's panic response, it is unlikely that any single episode will last longer than 3 minutes. Keep a clock handy and time the episode to maintain an honest perspective on time. 10 days The "average" ex-user is down to encountering less than two crave episodes per day. 10 days to 2 weeks Recovery has likely progressed to the point where your addiction is no longer doing the talking. Blood circulation in your gums and teeth are now similar to that of a non-user. 2 to 4 weeks Cessation related anger, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, impatience, insomnia, restlessness and depression have ended. If still experiencing any of these symptoms get seen and evaluated by your physician. 2 weeks to 3 months Your heart attack risk has started to drop. Your lung function has noticeably improved. If your health permits, sample your circulation and lung improvement by walking briskly, climbing stairs or running further or faster than normal. 21 days The number of acetylcholine receptors, which were up-regulated in response to nicotine's presence in the frontal, parietal, temporal, occipital, basal ganglia, thalamus, brain stem and cerebellum regions of your brain have now substantially down-regulated. Receptor binding has returned to levels seen in the brains of non-smokers (2007 study). 3 weeks to 3 months Your circulation has substantially improved. Walking has become easier. Your chronic cough, if any, has likely disappeared. If not, get seen by a doctor, and sooner if at all concerned, as a chronic cough can be a sign of lung cancer. 4 weeks Plasma suPAR is a stable inflammatory biomarker that helps predict development of diseases ranging from diabetes to cancer in smokers. A 2016 study found that within 4 weeks of quitting smoking, with or without NRT, that suPAR levels in 48 former smokers had fallen from a baseline smoking median of 3.2 ng/ml to levels "no longer significantly different from the never smokers' values" (1.9 ng/ml) 8 weeks Insulin resistance in smokers has normalized despite average weight gain of 2.7 kg (2010 SGR, page 384). 1 to 9 months Any smoking related sinus congestion, fatigue or shortness of breath has decreased. Cilia have regrown in your trachea (windpipe) thereby increasing the ability to sweep dirt and mucus out of your lungs. Your body's overall energy has increased. 1 year Your excess risk of coronary heart disease, heart attack and stroke has dropped to less than half that of a smoker. 5 years Your risk of a subarachnoid hemorrhage has declined to 59% of your risk while still smoking (2012 study). If a female ex-smoker, your risk of developing diabetes is now that of a non-smoker (2001 study). 5 to 15 years Your risk of stroke has declined to that of a non-smoker. 10 years Your risk of being diagnosed with lung cancer is between 30% to 50% of that for a continuing smoker (2005 study). Risk of death from lung cancer has declined by almost half if you were an average smoker (one pack per day). Risk of cancer of the mouth, throat, esophagus and pancreas have declined. Risk of developing diabetes for both men and women is now similar to that of a never-smoker (2001 study). 13 years The average smoker lucky enough to live to age 75 has 5.8 fewer teeth than a non-smoker (1998 study). But by year 13 after quitting, your risk of smoking induced tooth loss has declined to that of a never-smoker (2006 study). 15 years Your risk of coronary heart disease is now that of a person who has never smoked. Your risk of pancreatic cancer has declined to that of a never-smoker (2011 study - but note a 2nd pancreatic study making an identical finding at 20 years). 20 years If a female, your excess risk of death from all smoking related causes, including lung disease and cancer, has now reduced to that of a never-smoker (2008 study). Risk of pancreatic cancer has also declined to that of a never-smoker (2011 study). http://whyquit.com/whyquit/A_Benefits_Time_Table.html

NADA Members Posted October 25, 2017 When I was thirteen years old this new kid, Nick, moved into my neighborhood. At first I didn’t like him at all. In fact, you could even say he made me sick. But after a few weeks he started to grow on me and before you knew it we were hanging out daily. Nick seemed like the coolest kid on the planet…so much more mature than my childish peers. And hanging out with him made me feel cool too. Before long I found that I couldn’t stand being away from Nick. Even for an hour. My other friends were not impressed by Nick in the least. They avoided me like the plague whenever he was around. Likewise, I found myself rejecting offers to do things with my friends because I didn’t want to be away from Nick for any extended period of time. I just got too agitated and anxious. As the years went by, I lived my life on Nick’s terms. Whatever he wanted to do we did. I no longer had any input. Nick always put me in extremely dangerous situations, but I felt powerless to contradict him. This twisted relationship went on for decades. I was allowing Nick to slowly, but inevitably, drag me to the precipice. One day I woke up hacking and coughing so violently I thought I was going to die. Nick stood by my side with a blank smirk on his face. I knew right then and there that he wasn’t going to help me. He would let me wither away without a second thought. Only I could help myself. So, on November 22, 2015 I kicked my friend Nick O. Demon to the curb and vowed never to hang out with him again. My life, health, relationships and sense of well being have shot through the roof since I dumped that “friend”. I do not miss him even one tiny bit. Good riddance! Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/9243-my-friend-nick/

Jonny5 Quit Date: 2011-12-21 Posted April 28, 2014 We are all on board the quit train, chugging away to our destination, but where is that destination, when will you have arrived? the secret for me is that the train is very much like a child's train set, it has elaborate bridges, tunnels, stations etc, but ultimately the train is on a continuous loop. there are many stations where we pick up passengers, there's Cold Turkey Park, Patch Junction, E-cig Crossing, Grand Gum Central, and loads more that I've run out of names for but you get the point, we all start our journeys in different places. We all bring various amounts of baggage with us, sometimes our baggage takes up more room on the train than we do ourselves. this is often the case for a new passenger. The other occupants of the carriage are a little more experienced, and they soon help the new rider to pack away the baggage neatly, and in many cases the new rider realises that they have packed a whole load of junk that is weighing them down, so they toss it out the window, bit by bit. sometimes it's harder for folk to let go of certain belongings, items that they have held on to for years, often these false idols weigh down the passenger more than they can comprehend, but life without these false idols feels kind of raw, naked if you like, it can feel like you are loosing your very identity, until of course that you realise that your identity was one of addiction, not of choice. Along the journey, we pass through many seasons and triggers, some of us for the first time, and some of us for the hundredth time. they are frightening first time around, but we soon get used to them, and our companions comfort us and prepare us, and they warn us in advance. We soon get used to them. We pass through Cliche Canyon, here we stop for a while to stretch our legs, and to reaffirm the things we have learned along the way. we make up songs and rhymes, and acronyms for the newbies to sing, so that they remember that One Equals All, so that they know to Never Take Another Puff, and that Not One Puff Ever will keep them safe. The most treacherous part of the journey is Relapse Ravine, it lays just beyond Memory Lane, somewhere after passing through No man's Land. This can be the most lonely part of the journey, A passenger can be sitting in one of the quiet carriages, the newbie coach has gotten a bit too noisy for them, they sit and stare out of the window, gazing down memory lane, dreams of a long lost romance can fill their hearts and minds, and can drive them crazy. some of these passengers will go and chat to the newbies, they understand that they may need to be reminded of the early struggles, some of them ask the olde phartes what to do. But some unfortunately climb on the roof, bypassing the SOS safety rail, and throw themselves into relapse ravine, looking for their lost love. It is important to remember that when we are smokers, that was our comfort zone, It is not the zone that we have to live in if we wish to break free. Some of you won't like the way others will try to pull you out of that comfort zone, some of you will flourish upon it. some will take offence. There are many methods, and all of us are teachers and students when it comes to learning about how to get through to someone. However in the field of smoking cessation, and specifically of learning to be a happy non smoker, well it's like learning to read. you just do it, and then you know it, it doesn't take effort to remember how to do it, and no more learning will be needed to stop you from forgetting it. You just can, or you can not. My ability to read is not something I feel complacent about, it's something I feel confident about. there are some people on the train, who are really just riding it because they know that the train is run by volunteers, and they volunteer their time, and experience, to pay for the free ticket that was once passed to them by a friendly face many years before. Sometimes they challenge the distorted logic of the junkie, out of love and compassion for the person trapped inside, the person that reminds them of themselves, sometimes they get hugged, and sometimes they get shouted at. they know the risks of engaging the junkie, they were once the junkie too, they mostly say the things that are now so obvious to them, but once were not. They have ridden the train so much, that they know every single inch of track, they know it inside out. and they knew the moment they reached their destination. It was the same destination for all of them. it was the place where they found inner peace, no junkie chatter, no doubt, no desire or need to smoke, and no way on earth to return to smoking, without making a deliberate decision to sign up for slow suicide. I believe that is the destination that we are all trying to reach, regardless of where we boarded the train, and regardless of how rough or smooth, or long, or short our journey was. I sincerely look forward to welcoming you there, each and every last one of you. Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/1045-where-does-the-train-go/

babs609 Quit Date: 07/13/2012 Posted September 20, 2016 · IP Life is really so simple...WE are the ones who make it complicated Because the truth is....if you BELIEVE the cigarette will give you any kind of comfort or joy...then you will suffer a great deal. Not just in the early part of your quit, but for YEARS after...if you can stay quit that long. This is where the education part comes in. If there is something you want that you believe will make you feel good...most people don't have the willpower to refrain from. Those that do...are miserable and live their life miserably always thinking they are being deprived. They aren't. It's all in their head. All about their belief system. I remember a show that was on...not sure if it still is but it was called 'My Strange Addiction. The people on that show had some of the strangest addictions I had ever heard of. I only watched 1 episode and on this episode..there was a couple who became addicted to coffee enemas. Their addiction became so bad that they took turns taking care of their kids so the other parent could spend 8 hours in the bathroom giving themselves an enema. That sounds crazy to you, right? Of course! But to them...it relieved them of their suffering. Well folks.....that is how non smokers look at smokers. With good reason....because after the initial physical withdrawal that only lasts a short while....that is exactly how it is. All in your head! You believe in it. Because you believe in it...you obsess over it. Because you obsess over it...you drive yourself crazy trying to convince yourself maybe this was a bad time to quit...maybe just one puff...maybe i'll just be a social smoker...maybe this..maybe that. There is no maybe. YOU STILL BELIEVE--and until you de-program your brain with constant reading, videos, repeating NOPE, mantras like 'there is no such thing as 1 cigarette" or just constantly remind yourself that you are a non smoker, that smoking a cigarette DOES NOTHING NOTHING NOTHING for you..until you reverse the programming that has been in your head for so long...you will always suffer, you will always be a minute away from relapse...you will always struggle. Even though there are thousands of "excuses" why people relapse or smoke...here are the most common BS lies. 1. Boredom--what's more boring than putting something in your mouth and lighting it on fire...really? I can think of a thousand more things to do with my time. 2. Anxiety--smoking increases your heart rate thus..increasing the anxiety (the only time smoking relieves you of any symptoms are when you are in the withdrawal period and it only gives you relief because you are feeding the addiction) 3. Help you concentrate--Really? again...an illusion (after the first few days) Smoking adds thousands of chemicals to the bloodstream and ultimately decreasing the oxygen to the brain. How does that really help?? We need oxygen to THINK...not jet fuel. 4. " I'm under too much stress right now" This is life, you will always have stress. The smoking trap was designed to hook you for life. The only 'good time to quit' is NOW. 5. ANY OTHER LAME EXCUSE ENTER HERE...cause that is what it is. Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/7522-are-you-a-believer/

Sazerac Posted July 3, 2019 I think that as you gain confidence in your successful quit you will find that the skills used in quitting can be applied to other aspects in your life. For example, the notion of H.A.L.T. are you Hungry, Angry (which can be switched to emotional), Lonesome, Tired. To this day, I turn to this technique for a variety of reasons and situations. While it may not solve the underlying issue, it certainly alleviates compounding any distress by addressing these issues and I am better able to solve the problem if I am, at least, fed and well rested. Another example of using a quitting skill is deep breathing ! an excellent technique to calm myself and think more clearly. A conscious flow of Oxygen is a panacea, the handiest of magic elixirs ! Just knowing that we have the ability to change, and acknowledging the proof that we Have Changed, (we quit smoking!) gives us encouragement to change other things in our life. I know many of us have changed other aspects in our lives with 'quit smoking' skills. The self-confidence acquired in quitting, especially, encouraged me in any endeavor. What skills have you learned in quitting smoking and how have you applied them to your fabulous nicotine free life ? Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/12686-transferable-quit-skills/

Jonny5 Quit Date: 2011-12-21 Posted April 10, 2014 I'm not afraid of relapse one single bit. It ain't ever gonna happen. Some of you are. And there's one huge reason for that.... You have not closed the doors on your smoking past and evolved into a never again smoker, you have a lingering belief that smoking does give you some benefits and are abstaining through many methods. Abstainance looks like my quit but it is fundamentally different. There is no reason I would smoke ever and I hate smoke being anywhere near me. I am repulsed by the poisonous stench. Abstainance is going without what you want. You can abstain all your life, but it will never be the same as the true desire to never smoke again, and by definition it is never going to be as comfortable. You must discect your quitting mindset and remove any weaknesses to make it relapse proof. Seriously you have to remove all justifications. Including death of a child. Murder of a spouse. Terrible awful situations that you may face, and you must know that you would not find smoking to be a comfort. Then, like me, you will be forever free. This is the power and strength behind NOPE...it is not just a bashing word from the hardcore ex smoking police, it is the source of their quit strength. Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/490-removing-the-fear-of-relapse/

My husband loves to tell anyone who will listen that I'm a quitter. I "quit" my twenty year professional cleaning service ( actually the high costs of Workers comp in the state at the time forced me to close). I quit my ice cream truck business (because it sucked watching everyone having a good time while I was out putting two steps forward and ending up one step back). I quit throwing shingles to him up on the roof ( that one was his own fault for being a jerk on the roof). And then I quit smoking... I've quit quitting many a time and never really called them relapses because quite honestly I never quit to begin with. I simply abstained for a while. I really had to work myself up to just doing it. I gave myself little pep talks for months leading up to my forever quit. Saying things like "all good(?) things must come to an end". Then I would remind myself of all the things I had outgrown and convinced myself that smoking would soon be one of them. So on Sunday May 29, 2016 around 5:00 pm I smoked the last cigarette in my pack and that was that. Or so I thought..... Over the next five or so hours I proceeded to smoke every butt in my ashtrays. You see, I didn't tell anyone I quit just in case I failed so I hadn't cleaned and put away the ashtrays. So on Sunday May 29, 2016 at 10:15 pm I quit. It wasn't always easy and some days were downright brutal for me but most of that was my own darn fault. I didn't embrace the beauty in being a quitter. I was too busy feeling sorry for myself for not " getting" to smoke like everyone else could. Looking back now i truly believe your mindset is what is going to dictate how hard or how easy your quit will be. Choose easy....

Hello Quit Train Riders, Just a momentary pause to say I am still on the train. Over 6 months, $2K dollars and 3k cigarettes away from slavery. Sailing through the highs and lows with very few thoughts of smoking at all. Had a momentary major desire for a smoke earlier today and just looked at it and wondered, what the heck is this? Oral surgery went....safely. Am deeply grateful for: acres and acres to roam in glorious autumn opportunities to work the gift of health - for myself and so many I hold dear, and you dear reader! relationships that nourish my heart, soul, mind and body skills and habits that co create harmony and laughter filled beings and environments the beautiful wedding to my marvelous man my delightful cats and their happy days and nights fit, flexible fully functioning body because I do and contribute easily in comfort and grace knowing things change....and I will smile and be light of heart again hope your day is easy and laughter filled.

Day one- I make a video of myself giving myself a pep-talk/lecture. My Pre-SOS if you will and in the middle of it I am about to light one up and I am in the middle of telling myself that we are in control. We get to decide if you smoke or not. That our addiction is not in control of me. I stop mid sentence to go light that cigarette up and I look at it break it in half and throw it in the ash tray and dump water in on top for good measure. I then finish my video and didn't smoke for the rest of the day. No issues yeah I had urges and craves nothing to bad. Would tell myself Nah we don't do that anymore and move on. Then I get woke up in the middle of the night. My 17 year old daughter had sneaked out of the house. Whats worse is my 22 year old son who just had a baby and is now living with us. allowed her to sneak out and then woke me up to tattle on her. So here I am at 2 am driving around looking for my daughter cigarette in hand. Then after that was all done with I went home and went to bed. Day One Re-do- Woke up and smoked a cigarette first thing like it was nothing. At 11:10 am I went to light up a cigarette and it made me feel so nauseous that I just couldn't do it. So I decided then and there that I was not going to smoke no more. So The rest of the day went fairly easy as it did the day before. Came here and posted a post about quitting. Carried on about my day getting through each and every urge and crave with a big deep breath and an exhale of We don't do that anymore. Went to bed feeling better about myself even though I was exhausted. Day Two- I wake up to a crave went to reach for my cigarettes (which my room was the only room I smoked in. I allowed myself my goodnight cigarette and my good morning cigarette. anyway I reached for my cigarettes and realize that there wasn't a pack there. I lean up on an elbow and sleepily look. Thinking I must of knocked them down at some point. Then as my brain is clearing as I am looking for my cigarettes. I realize I can't find them because I no longer smoke. So I get up I go to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth. and then go make a pot of coffee. I then proceed to make breakfast so I can take my Chantix and to get my day started off right. All the while, I am chanting we no longer smoke. I will Never Take Another Puff again. I am pushing through the craves and urges fairly easy nothing to bad. I have made it through day one and am officially working my way through day 2. My quit smoking app now says 2 days. cool. I know it is correct because I downloaded and set up the app the day before to help me keep tabs on my quit, but I did this as I made the decision for the second day in a row to help me stay accountable for my quit. So here we are my app says 2 days smoke free and I decide it is time to let the kids in on my decision to quit smoking(they knew it was coming because I have been on the Chantix a week and I told them that was part of the plan prior to this.) My daughter decides she not only wants to get an attitude, but she is wanting to push so many buttons. I look around and see my husband standing there not saying a word. I see my son sitting beside her and his wife beside him and nobody is stepping up to get my back. I had just told everyone that I was quitting smoking and that I was officially on Day Two of not smoking and that I was going to be irritable and maybe a little short tempered and here is my daughter spewing out the mouth and not one person steps up to have my back. I go into a instant meltdown. I am talking full body crave, Full mental crave, Buttons pushed, anger is pulsing, hurt is flowing all the while I am screaming like a banshee about having my back, tears streaming down my face, My family is following me. Because quite honestly I looked like a hilarious lunatic raving about something crazy. Stomping out of the house. OUT of the yard. Down the road. I look back upset. My husband is standing there chuckling to himself, because I looked quite funny throwing my shirt on the ground(had my workout sports-bra on underneath) my fuzzy over-sized pajama pants on and barefoot. I am screaming I am done. I have Y'alls back all the time and you can't never have my back. I was yelling I'm done. Keep the house, keep the car, just a true and total melt-down. So after I very painfully step on a rock. I stop look down and realize that I look like a complete and utter fool. which in turn makes me laugh and cry harder all at the same time. I then turn around insistent I am getting my shirt and my flip flops and I am still leaving. as I am walking back I am taking deep breaths. Once I got back in the yard my husband looks at me and opens his arms. I collapse in his arms and just cry. He then carries me to bed all the while I am still complaining about him not having my back. He gets me tucked into bed and hands me my laptop after turning it on and pulling my favorites up and coming here. He hands it to me and says post help others talk to others and I will finish breakfast. So I did. After that I kept close to the train and stayed in bed for most of the day. Went to bed a winner. Day Three- Woke up easy, remembered right off the bat that I was no longer smoking, so I didn't have that where are my cigarettes feeling I had on day 2. I got up and made myself breakfast and basically had an easy care free day. The day was pretty easy going nothing major stood out, Day Four- Woke up no major craves. My sense of smell is coming back. Everything smells stronger, more vibrant, more pungent. Other than that all I basically did was clean. So that way I can get my house where I can handle it. didn't realize how nose blind I was. Or should I say how smoking killed my sense of smell. Man did it ever. Cravings lets just say this, I have noticed them, but they aren't physical feeling, these ones are mental. I can feel them physically, but they start out as mental, but they are definitely there, and definitely noticeable. I am pushing through, I came to the board and pledged NOPE today. Made it through the day as a winner. Day 5 Now that we are caught up on my quit. We can start the first post of my blog. Let me tell you, about this dream. Now this dream was so vivid, so real feeling, that I woke up b****ing(don't know if cursing is allowed or not so keeping it as pg as I can) my husband out... I mean I was laying into him. I dreamed that he was mad at me because none of his pants fit him. They were either to small, to big, skinny jeans, bell bottoms(doesn't even own a pair of bell bottoms, or skinny jeans) no matter what pair of jeans I washed there was something wrong with them. In my dream this had gone on for like a month. I then dreamed that we had gotten into the car and just out of habit I reached over grab a cigarette and lit the damn thing. I instantly knew I messed up and threw it out the window. I must of woken up then because I don't remember anything else about the dream. So as I am laying there waking up I realize I am have a full on waking crave at this moment. I am irritable as hell, and mad as hell at my husband. WHO I then proceed to wake up with "Baby wake up. I was laying here thinking which I had not been. You need to go through your pants. I am tired of listening to you b***h at me for not washing the pants that fit you. How the hell am I suppose to know which pants fit you this week. SO you have three choices. Go through your pants throw away the pants that don't fit you, forcing you to have to buy pants that fit you. 2) stop B****ing at me because I washed the wrong ones or 3) lose some f***ing weight. Those are your options. and Oh by the way also in my dream you had me so upset that I forgot that I was quitting and I dreamt that I had an oops in my dream. I then realized I woke my husband up B****ing him out for a dream. I also realized that my dreamt oops also what caused my waking crave. SO I have to apologize to my husband and do something to make it up to him. I don't know make him some nice meal or something. So here we are into day 5 I talked to my doctors office. WE had decided that once I hit my second Chantix if I was handling it okay, which I am. I get nauseous, but I know the triggers of my nausea and how to manage it. So we decided to also do the Burpropion also with the Chantix, to give the Chantix a boost, but to also have the other medication in my system for when it is time to stop the Chantix. because when I talked to her about doing the Chantix to quit smoking I told her the truth. That I have had success in quitting with the Chantix, but have not had success in keeping a quit coming off Chantix. So we decided to go the extra measure and also do the Burpropion(Wellbutrin, Zyban). I just know that I am done. I am just done... Well, until bedtime, Until I blog tonight and am ready to go to bed a winner.

A blog post about a craving at this time*? That must be one serious craving. And it is! I know that I have gotten a pack in the middle of the night on more than one occasion. Get out of bed, put clothes on, get in the car and drive for 30 minutes to the nearest 24h gas station so I could smoke one and sometimes 2 before falling asleep without the thoughts of being out of cigs in the morning. Time to take a step back and analyse this craving: What I need right now: sleep What triggered the craving: pattern based, being tired and hyper at the same time. How I deal with it: analyse the hell oit of it, blog about it, breathe and do some relaxation exercises. Note to self: get some "goodnight" tea tomorrow *1:09 am

I couldn't postpone it any longer. I had to bring some stuff over to a friend, who smokes. I warned him ahead - do not feed my addiction and please keep the smoking paraphernalia out of sight. Unfortunately he forgot... so he lit one right up next to me. Asking me if I wanted one. "HELL NO! I quit remember?" He felt very embarrassed and took everything out of the room immediately while apologizing a lot. I went on and on about this forum, and about my pledge every day and how solid I feel in this quit. Which made me choose the right option and leave early. The smell was so bad, but it somehow crept up and fed my addiction voice. So I bolted after some hasty goodbye hugs. I have the need to thank you all again, you all make my quit so much brighter and funnier. It is so good to feel connected to a group of people that have the same state of mind: "NOPE!"

Ugh! I quit while I was off work (I work M-Th, 10+ hours per day) so I haven't been at work while I quit yet. Next week we are going back to a 5x8 (M-F) schedule. I will deeply miss my Fridays off! Deeply! Working on the assembly line is different from 'other' work. We have time to 'think' a lot, if you will. Our jobs are mindless, boring, repetitive, monotonous, you name it. I just hope I don't think about smoking! Last time I was ok, but last time I had the patch. This time I am going solo! Then again, I have to wait until each break to walk 80 miles to get to a door to the outside to go smoke ... I am actually looking forward to spending my breaks the way I want to, instead of the way I had to, smoking a damned cigarette! Plus I cannot write on the board here because it's an assembly line & I cannot assemble and write at the same time! That line gets to moving pretty quickly sometimes! I don't want anyone to think that I bailed. I will try to get on here if I can, but it might be hard with just my cell phone. Anyway, here is a picture of what I assemble all day. I think this one just rolled off today or yesterday.

I completed day 17 without cigarettes. I learned on this forum to drink a lot of water, and that advice made my cravings easier to handle. This is the place to find lots of help. I'm getting some "surprise perks" from quitting. I was always the slowest person in the house, and my family had to wait around while I functioned in slow motion. But now that I've quit, I get things done even faster than my husband. And he's stunned! I think smoking slowed down my entire life. And it's tremendous fun to suddenly be faster, without even trying. But apart from the perks, I don't have smoking as a way to numb my feelings anymore. We moved about 7 months ago, and although it was a practical choice, it was against my wishes. I used to live in a very sunny place, and now I live with a lot of rain and snow. Lots of gray skies, mud, slush, ice and bare trees. A symphony of gray and brown. No, not a symphony..it's the Mamas and the Papas. You know the song..."all the leaves are brown, and the sky is grey, I've been for a walk, on a winters day, if I didn't tell her, I could leave today....California dreamin, on such a winters day..." Yeah, I hear that song in my head all the time, because that's how it looks outside. It's so gray, I can't believe it. And I really wish I could go home. But smoking is separate from this. Smoking won't bring back my sunny porch, or the hummingbirds I used to feed, or the lizards, or the funny desert trees. It'll just poison me and kill me. Smoking shouldn't have anything to do with the fact that I moved, or that I'm crushed with homesickness. I'm so proud of myself for quitting, but I wish I didn't crave cigarettes when I'm upset. I'm working on being constructive when I'm upset, but I don't think it will happen over night. But still, it feels so great to have quit. There are no words for it...I am thrilled to be free!!!!

Craving a smoke badly. Not Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Thought about posting an SOS, but I asked myself, "Am I really that close to flipping mindsets and going out to buy cigarettes?" Nah. It's too cold outside. It's dark. I've eaten a light, healthy dinner. I walked about a mile today with my dog, so I feel pleasantly invigorated. Don't want to pollute my lungs or hand over any savings to tobacco magnates. I was watching a series on Netflix about people tidying up their homes with Marie Kondo. As the families in each episode go through their "stuff" and decide what to keep or part with, I began remembering my former home and how much I have lost. The sadness made me teary for a few moments, but then I sat up straight and shook it off. I returned to present-oriented and forward-thinking. Shifting my focus triggered a powerful craving. This is the point where I would have celebrated the transition from gloom to acceptance by going outside to have a smoke. And now I'm remembering my own post today about a bright line. Gloom is on the other side of the bright line. I am on this side, the right side. The bright line is inviolable. Deep breaths. Craving is weakening. Another episode of exerting willpower, and now I can relax again. Not taking a chance of recurring cravings today, though. It's only 6:00-ish (pm), but I will go to bed early. I dreamed once, recently, that I was arguing about smoking with someone. I didn't want to, but he was strong and demanding. Other than that, no dreams about smoking or craving in my sleep. One's willpower ebbs as the day progresses and by evening temptations can feel impossible to resist. A few dark chocolate chips for a dopamine hit. A mango. Then brush teeth and to sleep.

It's after 8 pm. I can see myself in my mind's eye, grabbing my purse and heading out the door to the gas station to get cigarettes. A sigh of relief when I get back, sit on the patio, and light one up. On the other hand.... I'm no longer insensitive to the actual taste of a cigarette. It would be unpleasant. I'm no longer accustomed to having nicotine in my brain, so I'd be dizzy, and I don't like that feeling. I'd have wasted $9.00. In future dollar terms, that's near $90. And that's the cost of living (more, actually) for a day in the future. I'd have added to the harm already done to my teeth and gums, and the veins in my legs. I'd return to the gray face and premature wrinkles. I'd have lost the 12 day stretch I achieved. I'd have lost the fragile sense of being able to trust myself again. Sigh. It's not worth it. Skip the smoke. Drink a glass of water, walk the dog, and go to sleep.

I'm still hanging on. My biggest challenge so far was morning break--I was so tempted. I spent the time reading the SOS posts. I laughed when I recognized several I had been thinking at that very moment. Now lunch time is almost over and I have QuitTrain and solitaire to thank.

Is it difficult to quit smoking or is it easy peas? I have read opinions on both sides. Some say it is the most difficult addiction to overcome. Some say it is easy peasy. For me, so far the answer is YES! I had heard for years that quitting smoking is more difficult than heroin or cocaine (but I wasn’t a nicotine addict and nicotine wasn’t addictive…hmmm) I remember hearing this years ago. So of course, my mind was programmed to believe it was going to be extremely difficult. I remember quitting Cold Turkey when I was pregnant many years ago, and I slept for 5 days because I was non-functional. Now I wonder how much of that was quitting smoking or how much as stopping my 4 cups of coffee a day. Before I quit smoking, I was fearful of the withdrawal and doubted that I was going to be able to quit. Fear and doubt - how did they become part of me? I think the mind is the most important/difficult battle – at least it was for me. I had programmed my mind (or let it be programmed -but either way I am fully responsible) that smoking cigarettes was glamorous, cool, relaxing, a big reward for a task/job accomplished; the wonderful and beautiful attributes I had given to my smoking addiction. And before I could really fully want to get rid of this addiction and banish smoking from my life, I had to reprogram my mind. Before I could reprogram my mind, I had to see and face the lies of wonder and beauty I had associated with smoking. Then I could commence with replacing those lies with the truth of what smoking was doing to me. I had to see all the negative things that I did because of my addiction and how much control smoking had over me. This was difficult at first; but once it started to unravel and with help of those who had gone this path before me, it went quickly. At that point, I was at peace with myself. A calmness came over. I want no more cigarettes or nicotine in my life. In my mind, there is not one good thing left associated with smoking; yet there are many wonderful things associated with not smoking in my mind. It wasn’t painful, but it wasn’t easy. Many things in life that are good for you are not easy and requires effort. But with this reprogramming of my mind regarding cigarettes done, it is much easier to dismiss the thought of having one, when it arises. When the “want” to smoke unconsciously arises and I bring it into my consciousness it is puzzling to me because Why in the world would I want to smoke a cigarette, now that I know how awful it is and all the wonderful things I would give up if I had just a puff? Our minds are something else. For me, I think there were craves the first several days being off nicotine but they weren’t physically painful. Bothersome yes, but not what I feared. I was stronger than the craves. Why had I doubted myself? I am missing the Dopamine effect, but am hoping that will return to normal (whatever that may be) in a month or so. I am researching a supplement L-tyrosine and may try taking it. I can see that a deep daily NOPE moment will be critical for the rest of my life, to my remaining free. While I have reprogrammed my conscious thoughts, smoking became a subconscious activity that I did without thinking. So I do think if I do not daily instill NOPE into my subconsciousness, I will relapse. I do not know (yet) how to get smoking out of my subconciousness - time may help some, but I don't know a way of erasing / deleting it as if it never existed (yet). I would say that for me, quitting smoking is not as difficult as I feared, but it requires more effort and more change. And change is not always easy. ? So YES!

After much reading and much advice, I understand there is a method or process to become free, to become whole, to heal from an addiction. While I no longer want to smoke and have made the commitment to myelf never to take another puff, I also want to heal in all areas. So from this moment on, I am taking full responsibility for any choice I make; I will lead a conscious and caring life. With each crave I overcome, I will regain inner power i have unconciously given away to my addiction. Yes, each time I grow stronger and it grows weaker. This will be one interesting journey and strangely enough, I am looking forward to it.

While this is so obvious to me now, a couple weeks ago I the thought never entered my mind. I smoked since I was 15 and I am now almost 65; I graduated from college, have a successful business career, raised a wonderful daughter, was a good mother and wife, was married for 35 years, etc. See, I didn't have to Smoke, I enjoyed smoking. I liked it. I could quit IF I wanted to, but why would I want to? It released my stress, calmed me Down, helped me maintain my edge in being a quick thinker and I liked smoking...it did me no harm. For 50 years, I rationalized my addiction and clothed it in beauty and gave it so many wonderful attributes, I really believed smoking was beneficial to me. I don't really know how or why, at this time in my life, a crack in my rationalization occurred and from there, all my wonderful rationalization began to unravel, stich after stitch, thread after thread. It all started because I wanted to breathe better on my next vacation, climbing up the mountainous stairs to various places in Japan. Ok, doing good on incline on treadmill to prepare for next year, but...darn breathng Was taking a long time to improve. So I decied Not to Smoke until I got up to 5 miles, incline 10, speed 3 mph for 3 miles. That was the first crack...wait did I just admit to myself that smoking was causing me harm? Was it impacting my breathing? So I set a quit date and the closer the date got the more panicky I became. Oh dear me, I was fearful of the withdrawal and thought I was too weak to quit on my own. But never fear, nicotine would help me get through it. Now everything in my rationalization of smoking came tumbling down.