Finally. It's finally happening.
I'm beginning to feel like a non-smoker again. I find myself thinking about it less and less; mostly just the occasional "vague thought." (Description of vague internal thought: 'Hmmmm, am I supposed to be doing something now? Oh, yeah. I'd normally smoke a cigarette. Is this a craving? Nah. I don't want one - that's just a habit. What am I going to do instead? Ooooh! SQUIRREL!) So, I'm starting to feel like my old self again. YAY!
For the last few days, though, I've been super-cranky in the evenings after work. What's awful is that I'm irritable towards my husband. It's not his fault at all, but the weather is turning and after being in an office all day, I enjoy spending my evenings sitting on back patio, having a glass of wine, reading a book while the sun is setting. That's my unwind time. It's also the "smoking" area since we don't allow smoking in the house. The problem isn't that my husband is a dirty smoker. The problem is that he is being so CONSIDERATE of my quit, that it's actually causing me a problem.
Picture this: I've just spent 10 hours commuting and working, with only the occasional vague thought of smoking. As long as I don't think about it - or, as long as I don't DWELL on the quit - I'm in great shape. But then, just when I get comfy for the evening, here he comes pulling out his pack of cigarettes and specifically showing them to me and asking me if it's gonna be a trigger for me. Seems perfectly reasonable and considerate to anybody else, but to the person that is trying to NOT think about smoking, it's just - UGH! His smoking is not a trigger for me; I honestly would've maybe just looked at him, had a vague thought, and then moved on. But, instead, I'm sitting there not even thinking about smoking, and then he asks me a question like that and BAM I want a cigarette. And, it makes me cranky. And the addict in me wants to blame him unnecessarily.
But, I finally told him (well, fussed at him, really) how irritating I found his consideration and WHY it was causing me a problem. He put his unlit cigarette back in his pack, told me he understood, and that he wasn't going to smoke that minute, but from now on, he'll just do what he normally does instead of making a production of it. And, to be honest, I'm not sure if he smoked again after that. I'm certain that he did, but I either didn't notice or didn't pay any attention.
Is there a point to this story? Is there a moral to be learned? I dunno. But, I guess the important thing, what I'm grateful for most today, is that I have a support system - even if he is a dirty smoker. And I'm taking full advantage of it by being open and honest about how I'm feeling - not just to my support system, but also to myself. I know I'm just being sensitive, so I'll give him a pass. And he knows I'm being sensitive, so he's giving me a pass too.