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Tempting and teasing my addiction was probably not the best approach to the second day of this quit. I mean... how much harder do I really need to make this for myself.
Against all odds, I survived Day Two with my quit intact. Drinking. Partying with friends. Escorting my best friend outside for her smoke breaks. The resulting urges to smoke were, needless to say, powerful. I discovered that my poor and slow texting abilities are a boon to using this forum. By the time I type it all out, the urge has begun to pass. Yay for sucking at texting!
Tomorrow will be my first day back to work as a non-smoker. I have no idea what to expect of myself when it comes time for my normal breaks. I usually walk outside, but maybe I can take walks inside for a few days. Grrr. I hate that I relapsed. Withdrawal is no fun. You know it's bad when you're actually looking forward to it all just being in your head. LOL!
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I've faced a lot of stressful situations since the weekend. Tax day. Relationship stress. Work stress. I was not particularly graceful or dignified but overall not too bad. I snapped like a child, instead of talked. I cursed like a sailor. I paced like a mad person. What I didn't do was smoke. In fact, having a smoke wasn't even my first thought when I was hit with a wave of stress...until someone reminded me by saying, "Why don't you go and smoke?" Nice. Thanks for your support. Victory was mine though because (a) it wasn't my go to thought and (b) I didn't want to smoke and (c) I was able tell that person what I thought about saying that and forgive them.
I am just keeping my eyes on the prize: what is good and best for me and that would be not smoking, which in turn empowers me to do and think other positive things for myself. Like the other day, when I felt like all i wanted to do was eat my way through the day, I took a step back, read about quitting/weight gain and watched a whyquit video, and the following day was able to make better decisions on what to eat and whether I was hungry or just feeling empty. Education and knowledge really are my best defense or better, reinforcement in the quit smoking process. Like an Army by my and on my side.
I feel like I have more time now...which is a gift, I think. When I was feeling really work stressed yesterday, I purposefully made time for exercising (Day 2 of my fitness challenge complete). Something I would normally blow off because of too much work to do.
Baby steps. And maybe "coping with stress" is not the right choice of words -- successfully managing stress in a healthier way is better.
DD and I made it home safe and sound. And as I had anticipated the urge to smoke was very strong, knowing that I had money and a store just 5 miles down the road, I had to battle the urge to go and buy a pack, just for one. But I did not. I NOPE-d every time I felt the desire to. I was surprised that the urge was mental and not physical. It was just fleeting thoughts that I had to work through. No anxiousness, it was somewhat a loneliness, which seemed a bit strange.
Now this morning it is a different store, today it is physical, very apprehensive, a physical feeling of jitter-ness and not really thoughts in my mind. But some of that is because of "life" itself.
I am home today and I will be sticking close to the boards and this blog. I have some emotional stuff to of the mind to work through. So prepare for some ramblings, self reflection and moments of truth. Sorry in advance, but I came to this board for a community of people that would support me and lift me up as I make this "huge" change in my life.
This new video explores the question that some former smokers find themselves asking of how long it could take them to get re-addicted to nicotine after they have been off smoking for a long length of time.
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This is an old post of mine that still resonates with me and I thought to stash in in my blog so it is easy for me to locate.
Nicotine stimulates the reward path in our brain
and by replenishing ourselves with nicotine, we were rewarded with Dopamine.
Many times a day we went from the panic of,
'I've gotta have a smoke'
'Ahhh', the brief relief of satisfying addiction.
We were jerking our own chain every twenty minutes or so....for years.
When quitting nicotine, that dance of our reward system shuts down.
It's a shock and we miss the consistent rewarding rush of dopamine.
Our brain doesn't understand where all the feel good stuff went
so, it is essential to amplify rewards, to jump start our natural pathways for the release of Dopamine.
The physical act of rewarding ourselves is crucial for the brain to access Dopamine.
It took me a moment to wrap my head around this,
The Physical Act of Rewarding Ourselves, Is Crucial For The Brain To Access Dopamine.
Our friend, bakon, is a big advocate of rewards, quite rightly, too.
Celebrate your first moments, days...your first weeks and months. The first year, the next...
This can take the form of exotic holidays, paid with the ducats you were giving to Big Tobacco,
to simple gifts to yourself, a new book, a magazine, a film...
ooh ! plenty of excellent chocolate passed these lips
(dark chocolate, apple, almond, banana, strawberry, salmon, beet, watermelon and pumpkin seeds also stimulate Dopamine).
Choose activities that make you feel pampered like the perfect bath, an afternoon nap in freshly laundered sheets, a candle lit dinner.
Getting through difficulties and experiencing your triumphs are all opportunities to reward yourself.
Keep in mind, you are not spoiling yourself, you are re-training your brain to deliver dopamine as an honest reward.
Like quenching your thirst with a long tall cool glass of water.
Celebrate as the hours go by, while the body adjusts to the new normal.
A normal of being rewarded with dopamine but, naturally, of course,
the way it was before we allowed nicotine to control our reward system.
I remember the first day that I forgot to think about smoking or not smoking,
wow ! this is what being nicotine free feels like !
I was so happy and celebrated by purchasing a small tree,
a Sweet Viburnum full of blossoms, a living reminder of my freedom.
My continuing reward is the luscious freedom I appreciate every single day.
I am in better health and free-er in spirit...
Tell me what your rewards have been, my nicotine free friends, what are your rewards now ?
p.s. Along with Dopamine, we can hack into our other happy chemicals to improve the quality of our lives.
All are accessible through Meditation; taking time for slow, measured breathing. letting thoughts slip away.
Exercise and laughter induce the release of Endorphins,
Oxytocin flows with orgasm, giving/receiving gifts.
Serotonin gets you high when sitting in the sun, hanging with friends and by reflecting on your accomplishments.
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As I begin the third day of not smoking I am faced with the hardest decision I will make during this journey. My wife is still smoking. So do I say it's okay if she wants to smoke in the house since it is so bitterly cold outside and it is her house too. Or do I just say nothing. I know she had to make the commitment to quit herself but I also know it would be so easy for me to buy a pack to "support her" which is just an excuse to go back. I know I am not going to give up what I have accomplished so far. I do not want to go through withdrawals again. My headache is finally going away. I did not get irritated yesterday. I am feeling even stronger today. So even though I love my wife with all my heart, I am not going to say anything. If she asks I will even tell her I prefer she didn't because it is still a struggle for me. I got this!!!!
I don't know if it is support I get here or what but I am almost excited this time and confident I can make this quit stick!
"Hey, buy me a pack of smokes on your way home..."
"Stop by the smoke shop and bring me a pack?"
"Rough day, can you grab me some smokes?"
I typed those out in my head, to my husband, over and over this afternoon, but I never sent them.
I haven't had a cigarette since October 16th. No nicotine since last Thursday and here we are on Tuesday and I'm still hyper obsessed with cravings and withdrawals. Seems they have been lasting all morning for several hours the last few days -- just relentless.
Whoever made the video claiming that after the 3rd day without nicotine your little cravings will "happen 3 times a day lasting 5 minutes each" was entirely and utterly hallucinating -- or straight up lying.
Still coughing a little, nothing productive but it won't go away.
I've put on probably 10 pounds in the last month now and all for the sake of feeling every bit as crappy today as I did the first few. On a positive note: donated ALL the rest of the Halloween candy to deployed troops so several purposes were served... soldiers get a little treat, daughter learns about giving thanks & showing appreciation, none of that stuff can make my ass any bigger now.
3 cheers for tomorrow not sucking as badly as today did.
So 2nd quit while on the Quit Train is quite strange indeed.......only 3 days in and I feel like its been at least 2 weeks! Seems like forever........Ive had some beautiful people contact me privately and its so nice to know that you care..........had to laugh this morning as my significant other went out to have his half a smoke this morning and how cold he was when he did....I really did chuckle........
It's been awhile since my last post.. A Lot has happened..
I have been smoke and nicotine free for over a month!
I have been in a few social situations involving alcohol and people smoking (both triggers). I have made it through without issue. Big accomplishment for me.
I have been exercising regularly.. breathing is getting much easier.
My mind wonders ocassionally (couple of times per day) but a quick distraction or deep breath and any craving or thought about smoking goes away.
Still taking it one day at a time.. I realize that I am not completely out of the woods, but I is definitely getting better!
i feel like i am crawling right now, but soon i will be running!
so far what i am feeling is like i am going to rip my skin off still. i've also been feeling as if i am gritting my teeth throughout the day [even with gum in my mouth] or clinching my jaw together. i am wondering if that is something that is normal, which i'm sure it is.
today the husband and i went out for a bit and it was hard walking around shops with people outside of them smoking, not going to lie. i wanted to rip one out of their pack and run and light it with two sticks!
i wish there was more to update here, but honestly the last couple of days have been rough and my head has been up in the clouds somewhere. i am still trying to maintain and keep as busy as i possibly can, but i feel like i have run out of things to do. my house is completely organized from top to bottom, though. i do need to jump on the pantry and get it sorted so maybe i will do that this evening.
here is my update, blog. i still am feeling like absolute poo! but i know god doesn't give me more than i can handle. and i know that my body is an amazing and powerful thing, and will continue to push through as best i know how.
Today is the fourth day of my quit. I am just trying to keep track of my feeling for the first week. I'm told that the nicotine is now gone from my body and I have reached the peak withdrawal from it. I'm not sure what that means. If the nicotine is completely gone, why would I still be going through nicotine withdrawal which I'm told could last 3 months.
Lately I have been having urges to reach for a cigarette. I have decided that instead of trying to ignore it, I just tell myself that I just had one. I am really very convincing and I actually think I just had one and therefore I don't want one anymore. lol Unfortunately, this is not my long term plan of action. The longer I tell myself I just had a cigarette, the more I will look at my self as a smoker. NOT GOOD. It does help with the first few days though.
Haven't written anything in a while about two months ago started having a weird pressure in my lower abdomen. Not like the pains I've had previously when my stomach acted up. Thankfully no where near that pain however this strange constant pressure hasn't let up. So far seen my regular doctor who rushed me off for a CT scan with contrast he was thinking a diverticulitis attach and that wasn't it sent me to my GI doctor who sent me off for a colonoscopy Well that shit was not fun I wasn't due for one of those suckers until I hit the big Five O (50) nothing showed Crohns, or a blockage is what he was thinking. Gave me a medicine to help regulate things so to speak. Well two weeks on that was enough now we are off to the GYN for a sonogram then back for another CT scan nobody can figure out what is going on. Me I just want to feel better not liking any of this. Quit smoking eating healthier than I ever did, no artificial anything lots of water exercising 3-4 times I just don't get it It really sucks.... Was trying to get off these stupid extra pounds now I feel like I swallowed a bowling ball. Bummed to the max and hoping one of my doctors figures what is going on. I shouldn't complain after what my mom and friend are going through and what they have gone through with their Cancers this is nothing but I still want to feel better want to feel like my old self again. I always think Health and feeling good is everything nothing else is really really important compared to that. Well lets see what they find out.
8am. So i hope i dont have to start over again because of my slip yeaterday. Y was i thinking so stupidly. More importantly, y was my boyfriend being stupid? He had almost a month of not smoking, and he gave away his quit for somewhere around 3 cigarettes from what i counted, provably more after i left. And he knew i was on my 3rd day, it seemed dickish of him to just leave me inside and go smoke with his friends. Im boiling with anger. But fr me at least it is a new day, i cant let all of that hinder today.
12pm. Busy day cooking food going to work later, and just keeping things on track. School starts up again next week so i gotta make sure i am prepared for that.
10pm, finished with work, no real bad cravings today, i think the worst is behind me? Maybe
Ok, so I picked up my Chantix today! I'm ready! I quit about 10 years ago, after using patches for about a week! Unfortunately, I started back 3 months shy of 3 years!! So here I go again!
I'm dedicated... problem is -> my boyfriend smokes 2-3 packs a day.. he's had a box of Chantix (that he's not yet used) for a year!!! He also drinks pretty heavily, so I'm just going to have to change my routine around him! I'm only a social drinker, and declined his offers to have a beer, today!! (Go me!! :D ) Car's cleaned out (we've never smoked in the house), but there are ash trays in the garage, and on our back deck (we live on the lake!)... HIS truck is smoked in all the time.. maybe I'll just not go anywhere with him for the first few weeks.
So I'm gonna need extra reinforcement. :blink: :excl:
I'm taking my first one in the morning!! Let's get this going!! :yes:
I have been reading many excellent posts here, with a view to gathering weapons for the fight.
Here is what I have found so far :
1. Use NOPE one day at a time. Personally, I have never managed to kick any addiction by saying "Never again". One day at a time does it for me. The days turn into weeks, the weeks into months and the months into years. I know some people can make up their mind to not smoke and that does it. But I know myself well enough to know that my own brain is not that powerful.
2. This soon will pass.
3. HALT-an old friend and one which has worked for me before with other problems. Why not use it with smoking ?
These are all for me only. They may well drive someone else insane. I have read loads more, but these ones stick out.
What I am not seeing is some way to substitute or replace the act of smoking. I have tried eating in previous attempts and put on half a stone ( 7 lbs for the benefit of any Americans reading this) in one week that way. This prevented me from training, so.....I smoked.
Any suggestions or comments gratefully received.
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Here I am. Day 2 and I'm not gonna blow myself up. Just gonna write where I bump into, what triggers me, what helps.... etc.
I've found a big trigger. Which was already mentioned... Coffee, in my case too much coffee - I get all sparkly and hyper and my cravings become more intense. So - luckily I use instant coffee - I'm gonna be careful how strong I'm gonna make my coffee.
I'm gonna quit the friggin gum (not NRT gum I quit CT) because my stomach is killing me. Ugh. I felt like chewing a whole package a day - but my stomach isn't liking it... so into the trash.
In a year I want to be able to read back and say 'yeah I pulled it off', not by bluffing just by sticking with NOPE.
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onthemark by quitsmokingsupportcommunity (qssc) is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 International License.
A special thanks to Pearlie for reaching out and being Pearlie.
so i was doing totally the wrong thing yesterday wasting hundreds of dollars and not getting anywhere except an incomprehensible website about bbpress
i defnitely do not recommend the wordpress business plan to do what i am trying to accomplish. So I cancelled that after finding someone to chat who explained how i was wasting my money, and it is true i was. he was right.
I am not so happy with the rest of our chat and realize that the communication problem of needing to repeat the same thing over and over again even though i had already said it was important and getting runarounds instead of honest answers to my questions.
Main concern is security. Anyone who wants to help me right now and is an expert on security send me the best article you know of to maximize security in wordpress with least effort. I do want to understand security before putting up anything and getting blown off on a consult with a ridiculous answer to a security question made me realize i am not going with this guy but will pay him for his chat time on google.
this is the worldwide license for onthemark. there's a detailed discussion on the landscape of copyright and online forums in the private room "off the record". Make 20 posts here and you can read and contribute!
the website quitsmokingandcancer.com is under construction at the moment...
I can be reached by email at firstname.lastname@example.org
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"My brother's wife's cousin's girlfriend's second uncle twice removed smoked four packs a day from the time he was seven and died of natural causes in his sleep at 95, right after he ran two back-to back-marathons with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips."
"My great-great-great-grandfather smoked all his life and never even got a cold. Not once. In fact, I think he's still alive! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!"
"My grandmother's best friend's mother lived to 102; ate only junk food, smoked like a chimney, and went ballroom dancing every Saturday right up until her very last day."
The Legend. That mythical, magical smoker who confidently marches through life enveloped by tendrils of deep blue smoke at all times and never, ever feels one single negative effect of it. The one who sucks deeply on those coffin nails and spits them triumphantly in the face of the Grim Reaper, if he ever dares wave his scythe in her direction. A marvel of existence, this smoker's story is told and re-told in hushed reverent tones, wherever other smokers huddle and shiver, pulling the acrid biting fumes deep into the soft fragile folds of their lungs. More than one smoker has bet his life on the existence of The Legend, with the hope of eventually becoming one himself.
And I'm here to tell you that The Legend...does in fact exist. Actually, she was my grandmother.
But, before you sigh in relief and rush off to light that cancer stick, STOP. Don't be hasty. Make a cup of tea. Get comfy. Hang in with me for a bit. You'll want to hear the rest of this.
Born in the early 1920's in Europe, my grandmother was not expected to survive for more than a couple of hours after her birth. Her parents prepared for a funeral, not a christening.
Yet, much to the surprise of the learned medical professionals of the time, survive she did. She was left with a weakened heart, but other than strict instructions to never do any vigorous exercise, she needed no other medication. I'm sure the advice would be different today, but at that time, in that place, it was considered a solid treatment plan.
In her teens and early 20's, she lived through the brutality of WWII, surviving regular bombings, violence and some of the worst that humanity could offer up, at times at point-blank range. My grandmother, as it turned out, was bullet-proof.
In her 30's, she was involved in a spectacular car crash, where she was ejected from the vehicle, pinned underneath it, and dragged through the city streets, past horrified onlookers, until the car mercifully, eventually slid to a protracted stop. The doctors told my grandfather to start making funeral arrangements. Your wife, they said, will not last through the night.
Not only did she last through the night, but a few weeks later, sporting the full body cast she was to be imprisoned in for nearly a year, she discharged herself from the hospital and arranged transportation to send her home for the rest of her recovery. She said she didn't care for hospitals.
After that, she endured communism. And food shortages. And political strife. Finally, she relocated her family overseas and began a new life.
Throughout most of that life, with all of its improbable twists and turns, she smoked. Her husband smoked. Her son smoked. As did her daughter, my mother. Her son-in-law smoked. Her daughter-in-law too. The neighbours. The cousins. The in-laws on all sides. Most of the friends, as well. Everyone except the family dogs! But that was only because they had no opposable thumbs and couldn't work the lighters; they had to make do with all the second-hand smoke instead.
Needles to say, most of my family memories were formed through a thick swirling haze.
The years went on. My grandmother, the legendary leader of us all, carried on puffing and laughing away, not a care in the world. And so it was until my other grandmother came for a visit from Europe. I was just a child when she showed up at the airport gasping for air, dragging an oxygen tank, and asking where she could light a smoke. She died soon after. COPD. She was in her 60's. And her illness and subsequent death started a chain of events that marked many of the milestones in my life.
A few years after that fateful visit, my father's only brother finally put out his last cigarette as he lay dying from throat cancer. In his 40's.
Then it was my uncle, my mom's brother - heart attack in his 40's. By an unlikely stroke of luck, he survived. The rest of the family cheered, celebrating the miracle out in the hospital parking lot, hidden from view by thick roiling clouds of smoke. But at least my uncle quit smoking after that health scare. Until he got discharged.
That stellar chapter in the family history was followed by my grandfather's unexpected and abrupt end - complications from prostate cancer surgery. Apparently they're not kidding when they say to quit smoking before all those procedures.
A few years later, it was my mom's turn to play cancer roulette - cervical cancer. In her 50's, a young, vibrant, full life ended in pain, suffering and despair within a year of diagnosis. She put out her last cigarette right before the ambulance took her away for the last time.
Yet my grandmother, by then in her 80's, kept smoking, not a hint of cough in sight. Nary a pill needed. Puffing away, enduring the unending, unrelenting misery of watching her loved ones suffer and die in agony, one after another in short succession, by the hand of an addiction she refused to leave behind.
The stale tendrils of smoke next reached out to my father, who, in his late 50's, consumed by grief after losing my mother, his childhood sweetheart, started a new life. One which did not include any part of his old one, save for smoking. We all cope in our own ways, I suppose. My last memory of him, likely the only one I'll have, is of a cigarette firmly clenched between his ruined teeth, wisps of smoke escaping through a crack in the car window, the sounds of a wracking cough slowly dying on the wind as he drove out of my life.
A few years later, still unbearably broken of heart over her daughter's (my mother's) early death, my grandmother, at 92, in good health and surrounded by swirls of smoke, caught a cold. And then she was gone.
My only comfort was that she was finally released from her grief. As it turned out, I had one other reason to be thankful, if you can call it that, a couple of years later. She didn't have to watch as her only surviving child, now in his 60's, having lived through that early heart attack, smoked his way through to a diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. And then he was gone too.
And me? Despite being witness to all of this, I had started smoking in my early 20's, and I kept right on doing it. After all, my grandmother lived to 92 and she had smoked all her life! She was never sick! She was MY legend. That mythical magical excuse I used to keep smoking, even as my family fell around me, one by one.
But, you see, my nicotine-addled brain only saw my grandmother - an active, shiny 92 - the blue smoke accenting the ice blue of her eyes. THE LEGEND. It didn't register that every single person I had loved had died, horribly, because of smoking. Smoking was either a strong contributing factor or a direct cause for every illness or ill effect that befell each of them. But I only saw THE LEGEND, so blinded was I by that smoky haze surrounding my brain.
By my late 30's, other than a few cousins and distant relatives I had no real contact with, my whole family, the ones I spent Christmas and Easter with, the ones I grew up with, the ones I called with news big and small, the ones I loved, were gone. An only child, I was the only one left standing. And smoking.
Yes, you build your own family with your partner, close friends also fill the gaps and life carries on. But it's never quite the same. There is always a sadness and an empty space that you can never fill in. I'm optimistic and happy-go-lucky by nature, but I've spent more nights sobbing into my pillow than I'd care to admit because of all I have lost. There is no one alive now who remembers my first steps, or who it was that got drunk on that trip to the cottage that year and went skinny dipping in the lake. There is no one I can phone if I forget how to bake my grandmother's famous apple cake. It's like a part of my life, of my memories, just disappeared into nothingness. I didn't have enough time to hear all the stories, to collect all the recipes and to share some of mine. And I never will. There have been so many moments that I wanted to pick up the phone and call them. But there will never again be anyone on the other end of those calls.
And I know that people die. And the younger generations are left with only memories and they move on, in turn raising younger generations. It's the natural order of things. But not this early. Not yet. I should have had another 30 years, maybe not with my grandparents, but with everyone else. So many memories that will never get made. Instead, where a family had once been, I just had a pack of smokes. Cold comfort, that, especially on those days. You know the ones. Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, Mondays; all are bittersweet.
Having somehow survived, mentally and physically intact thus far, into my early 40's, it was finally time for me to make a very important decision. Where am I going to place my bet?
Having seen what that one first puff of a cigarette, that each member of my family took at one point in their lives, amounted to, I saw what it meant to be a smoker. The odds of survival there, quite frankly, stunk!
But I didn't want to be a Legend either.
Because when you hear the stories of THE LEGEND, as told in that smoking huddle, you're not ever getting the full picture. My Legend, my grandmother, was an anomaly. The exception that proves the rule. Yes, she smoked right to the end. Yes, she lived to 92. No, she did not die of cancer or a heart attack or any of the other 100 diseases brought on by smoking. But in the end, legends don't get to escape smoking's wrath either; it just gets them in a different way. My grandmother may have had a long life, but her final chapters were just as touched by smoking's miserable effects as those who die of a smoking-related disease. Mental suffering can be just as much a prison as physical impairment, for those who have to endure it. She paid her smoking dues, my grandmother, with interest. Up close, legends are just sad addicts with nothing left to live for, the gift of time now a curse. How aspirational is that?
So, don't envy The Legends. Don't use them as an excuse to keep sucking on those refried butts. Don't romanticize them. And don't bet that you'll be one, either, if you're still so inclined. Legends are considered special and mythical for one main reason; there are so very, very few of them. Placing a bet here would just be foolish.
My decision was finally made. I put all my chips on being a free and happy Quitter. There are no guarantees, of course, but I really like my odds here.
And now that the smoke has cleared, and you too can see the true story behind THE LEGEND, it's your turn to bet. Choose wisely.
Happy Friday and Happy St. Patrick's Day!!!!
Yesterday day go super busy so very little time to stay updated or blog about my life changing event. -- Smoke Free Freedom Bound.
I had class after school yesterday and I was so tempted to not go....I had not finished all of my assignments, which of course I was not the only one....actually most of the class had not. The instructor is (thankfully) to lenient on deadlines. However with that being said we are all teachers and have our cups are overrunning. Many of the teachers in the class are teacher at 4 of the schools that have been identified as turn around schools or at risk. Two of the schools are in jeopardy of having over 50% of their staff let go if their scores do not improve by next year. (Not sure where they would find the teachers to replace them, as we have a teacher shortage as it is) As for my school we are a D school trying to get to a B. So we all are under extreme press from the state as well as local level. I was very stressed...so at 2:30 I took a xanax and by 4:00 emotions ect. were under control and I went to class. I was late of course, but class was good.
In addition my student have two major project in the work......a promo video for our school system, which the student are working with our Central Office PR person, who is new, as no experience, but doing a wonderful job. Her only downfall is she does not know when enough is enough. She works with my students at lest 3 times a week weeding through footage she has taken and selecting for the promo video. The only problem is at this point we have 6.9 G's and I can not get our PR lady to realize that it is just to much for the students to sort through, and then every time she does meet with them she bring more video. UGH........these are high school students Lady not fulltime employees.
I am super proud of myself as I reminded smoke free, of course the xanax helped me push through as well as running late and knowing that taking the time to stop and by a pack would make me later, and when I walked into class I would smell like a smoke stack. I think it was more important to me to not smell like a smoke stack once I entered the room and that was my number one reason for not making a stop at the stress after such a stressful day. I wont even mention the HELL my DS is causing right now.
Sigh.....I am sure it is much worse than normally because of the withdrawal. Cravings are not to bad, but the stress and anxious, and brain fog is killing. But so does smoking.
ONWARD AND THROUGH
After just a week! The early (and many) blessings:
- Achieving that truly full breath at last (phew, my lungs still work)
- Appetite is back and food tastes good
- I feel more confident
- Not afraid of tomorrow's 1.5 hour drive and winter hike with 3 never-smokers
- Don't have to worry how badly I smell during my therapy group
- Money not spent on butts
- I feel more relaxed and calm in the morning (no rush out of bed for nicotine fix)
- Not worried I'll smell during Monday's job interview
- Back on the QT ;)
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- Achieving that truly full breath at last (phew, my lungs still work)
Had a great day, got so much done in the garden, a lot more than I used to and feel great.
Never realized how out of breath I used to get, it just became the normal for me I think.
Loving all the energy, feeling and overall happiness that I am feeling now that I have quit.
Planning new projects to do now that we can afford them as I am no longer just burning our cash.
Feeling great looking forward to the rest of my new smoke free life.
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It's all about choice.
We can create the drama, or not. Create the fear, or not.
It really is very simple. As simple as stepping into the life we want and not being chained to the past.
The rains may fall and the droughts may happen but we simply move forward step by step when it feels too hard to run.
Accept support when it is offered, accept gratitude for what you have and what you have accomplished without ego. Some will travel with you on different parts of the journey but don't be afraid to walk alone when it is needed. You are never truly alone anyway, you are a part of the universe, a child of the stars and all the vastness that becomes of this space.
It's time dear heart. Own the journey.
Evenings are unbearably hard! I don't know how else to find completion with the day. there's a raving psychopath inside my head and I almost believe the things she says... Like I will never feel completely satisfied again. And I feel I'm being punished when I know that actually the opposite is true.