Day one- I make a video of myself giving myself a pep-talk/lecture. My Pre-SOS if you will and in the middle of it I am about to light one up and I am in the middle of telling myself that we are in control. We get to decide if you smoke or not. That our addiction is not in control of me. I stop mid sentence to go light that cigarette up and I look at it break it in half and throw it in the ash tray and dump water in on top for good measure. I then finish my video and didn't smoke for the rest of the day. No issues yeah I had urges and craves nothing to bad. Would tell myself Nah we don't do that anymore and move on.
Then I get woke up in the middle of the night. My 17 year old daughter had sneaked out of the house. Whats worse is my 22 year old son who just had a baby and is now living with us. allowed her to sneak out and then woke me up to tattle on her. So here I am at 2 am driving around looking for my daughter cigarette in hand. Then after that was all done with I went home and went to bed.
Day One Re-do- Woke up and smoked a cigarette first thing like it was nothing. At 11:10 am I went to light up a cigarette and it made me feel so nauseous that I just couldn't do it. So I decided then and there that I was not going to smoke no more. So The rest of the day went fairly easy as it did the day before. Came here and posted a post about quitting. Carried on about my day getting through each and every urge and crave with a big deep breath and an exhale of We don't do that anymore. Went to bed feeling better about myself even though I was exhausted.
Day Two- I wake up to a crave went to reach for my cigarettes (which my room was the only room I smoked in. I allowed myself my goodnight cigarette and my good morning cigarette. anyway I reached for my cigarettes and realize that there wasn't a pack there. I lean up on an elbow and sleepily look. Thinking I must of knocked them down at some point. Then as my brain is clearing as I am looking for my cigarettes. I realize I can't find them because I no longer smoke. So I get up I go to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth. and then go make a pot of coffee. I then proceed to make breakfast so I can take my Chantix and to get my day started off right. All the while, I am chanting we no longer smoke. I will Never Take Another Puff again. I am pushing through the craves and urges fairly easy nothing to bad. I have made it through day one and am officially working my way through day 2. My quit smoking app now says 2 days. cool. I know it is correct because I downloaded and set up the app the day before to help me keep tabs on my quit, but I did this as I made the decision for the second day in a row to help me stay accountable for my quit. So here we are my app says 2 days smoke free and I decide it is time to let the kids in on my decision to quit smoking(they knew it was coming because I have been on the Chantix a week and I told them that was part of the plan prior to this.) My daughter decides she not only wants to get an attitude, but she is wanting to push so many buttons. I look around and see my husband standing there not saying a word. I see my son sitting beside her and his wife beside him and nobody is stepping up to get my back. I had just told everyone that I was quitting smoking and that I was officially on Day Two of not smoking and that I was going to be irritable and maybe a little short tempered and here is my daughter spewing out the mouth and not one person steps up to have my back. I go into a instant meltdown. I am talking full body crave, Full mental crave, Buttons pushed, anger is pulsing, hurt is flowing all the while I am screaming like a banshee about having my back, tears streaming down my face, My family is following me. Because quite honestly I looked like a hilarious lunatic raving about something crazy. Stomping out of the house. OUT of the yard. Down the road. I look back upset. My husband is standing there chuckling to himself, because I looked quite funny throwing my shirt on the ground(had my workout sports-bra on underneath) my fuzzy over-sized pajama pants on and barefoot. I am screaming I am done. I have Y'alls back all the time and you can't never have my back. I was yelling I'm done. Keep the house, keep the car, just a true and total melt-down. So after I very painfully step on a rock. I stop look down and realize that I look like a complete and utter fool. which in turn makes me laugh and cry harder all at the same time. I then turn around insistent I am getting my shirt and my flip flops and I am still leaving. as I am walking back I am taking deep breaths. Once I got back in the yard my husband looks at me and opens his arms. I collapse in his arms and just cry. He then carries me to bed all the while I am still complaining about him not having my back. He gets me tucked into bed and hands me my laptop after turning it on and pulling my favorites up and coming here. He hands it to me and says post help others talk to others and I will finish breakfast. So I did. After that I kept close to the train and stayed in bed for most of the day. Went to bed a winner.
Day Three- Woke up easy, remembered right off the bat that I was no longer smoking, so I didn't have that where are my cigarettes feeling I had on day 2. I got up and made myself breakfast and basically had an easy care free day. The day was pretty easy going nothing major stood out,
Day Four- Woke up no major craves. My sense of smell is coming back. Everything smells stronger, more vibrant, more pungent. Other than that all I basically did was clean. So that way I can get my house where I can handle it. didn't realize how nose blind I was. Or should I say how smoking killed my sense of smell. Man did it ever. Cravings lets just say this, I have noticed them, but they aren't physical feeling, these ones are mental. I can feel them physically, but they start out as mental, but they are definitely there, and definitely noticeable. I am pushing through, I came to the board and pledged NOPE today. Made it through the day as a winner.
Now that we are caught up on my quit. We can start the first post of my blog.
Let me tell you, about this dream. Now this dream was so vivid, so real feeling, that I woke up b****ing(don't know if cursing is allowed or not so keeping it as pg as I can) my husband out... I mean I was laying into him. I dreamed that he was mad at me because none of his pants fit him. They were either to small, to big, skinny jeans, bell bottoms(doesn't even own a pair of bell bottoms, or skinny jeans) no matter what pair of jeans I washed there was something wrong with them. In my dream this had gone on for like a month. I then dreamed that we had gotten into the car and just out of habit I reached over grab a cigarette and lit the damn thing. I instantly knew I messed up and threw it out the window. I must of woken up then because I don't remember anything else about the dream. So as I am laying there waking up I realize I am have a full on waking crave at this moment. I am irritable as hell, and mad as hell at my husband. WHO I then proceed to wake up with "Baby wake up. I was laying here thinking which I had not been. You need to go through your pants. I am tired of listening to you b***h at me for not washing the pants that fit you. How the hell am I suppose to know which pants fit you this week. SO you have three choices. Go through your pants throw away the pants that don't fit you, forcing you to have to buy pants that fit you. 2) stop B****ing at me because I washed the wrong ones or 3) lose some f***ing weight. Those are your options. and Oh by the way also in my dream you had me so upset that I forgot that I was quitting and I dreamt that I had an oops in my dream. I then realized I woke my husband up B****ing him out for a dream. I also realized that my dreamt oops also what caused my waking crave. SO I have to apologize to my husband and do something to make it up to him. I don't know make him some nice meal or something.
So here we are into day 5 I talked to my doctors office. WE had decided that once I hit my second Chantix if I was handling it okay, which I am. I get nauseous, but I know the triggers of my nausea and how to manage it. So we decided to also do the Burpropion also with the Chantix, to give the Chantix a boost, but to also have the other medication in my system for when it is time to stop the Chantix. because when I talked to her about doing the Chantix to quit smoking I told her the truth. That I have had success in quitting with the Chantix, but have not had success in keeping a quit coming off Chantix. So we decided to go the extra measure and also do the Burpropion(Wellbutrin, Zyban). I just know that I am done. I am just done...
Well, until bedtime, Until I blog tonight and am ready to go to bed a winner.