So I have thought of a really cool non-smoker name for my blog. "Thoughts Of A Winner"!!!! OMG, I love it. Think about it, I want to stay on a positive track here. Now I am not saying I won't vent or say negative things. Because lets be real here I am quitting smoking, and this is a quit smoking blog. Although I am going to try to keep those dark and stormy thought to a minimum. We will see.
So, as I sit here writing this. I am eating a big bowl of roast, that somehow magically turned itself into like a stew of sorts. Either way it's fire and making my tummy so very very happy. Quite honestly I honestly think eating is my favorite past-time right now. I mean I feel hungry all the time. I actually need to figure out what I want for dinner. Hmmm.... Something I am going to have to ponder on. I did pork steaks last night. I think I am going to do Rosemary chicken with Rosemary roasted baby red potatoes, with some fresh fried squash.
Now on to the reason why we are all here...
So yesterday went fairly decent.I mean other than the start. The rest of the day went okay. I did have some craving and urges, but nothing to awful. But as I was driving home from the store and my husband kept saying the same thing over and over again(he was picking on me) and I screamed OKAY ENOUGH!!!! I realized I have no freaking clue how to deal with any emotion or feeling I get. I can't decipher what the hell I am feeling. I mean thinking back on it I was 15 when I started smoking, which means from that point forward. Every time I got angry I lit up, when I got sad, I would light up. when I was hungry, bored, sleepy, I would light up. I did this for so many years I just eventually would light up for any twinge I felt. Oops I feel a crave coming on better go ahead and light up. So now at 41 years of age and my husband is getting on my nerves and I want him to shut up. I don't know how to handle that. I cried to him yesterday that I was sorry for yelling at him. That I feel like I have no control over how I feel. I don't think its so much as having no control, rather than not know how to deal with the feelings that I have no control over. I mean I am still going to feel them. Hell I felt them(when I say feel them I mean like strong emotions. IE: intense anger, sudden sadness, sudden intense happiness. Feelings that are intense) when I was smoking, and when they were strong enough I could even distinguished what emotions I was feeling, but the fleeting emotions, the muted emotions/feelings those I could never tell the difference. Still can't!!
I just had a thought when I was writing that last paragraph and that was maybe the journey of quitting smoking is basically learning who we are. I have literally given my addiction every aspect of myself. I no longer know what I like, what I dislike, what makes me happy, what makes me sad. Hell I am even figuring out that most of the stuff I eat I don't like. I am smelling things that I haven't smelt in a long time and it is over-whelming. I think that is why I am so just touchy. It doesn't take much to set me off, but it's not always about a craving either. I will get this figured out, but until then
I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW!!!!