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Tranquil with a smattering of Tensile



Well, there are days when I feel like a hamster running in the wheel, huffing and puffing (figuratively, not literally), but getting nowhere.


Then there are days when the sun is shining, the colours are sharper, everyone I meet is smiling and everything is just right with the world. Then come the days of Grey. When it's neither dark nor light, the day is just there...like a blob of paint that falls on the floor.


I know I've got enough grit to get through the craves, and wherever I fall, there are amazing people (on this forum) that pick me up...but sometimes I'm tired of the vicious circle. 

There is a term the French use:  l'appel du vide (Call of the void). This inexplicable feeling of jumping off a cliff, when you are standing at the edge, the sudden urge to steer into oncoming traffic. There are times when without any reason, my brain envisages me with a cigarette in my hand...and that moment I feel like my hand has a mind of it's own. I literally have to yank it off that thought...right now was one such moment. 

The reason I say was is because typing this made that instinct go away.


So I live to fight another day. Would I term today Tranquil, Tensile or Tormented? I'd say tranquil with a smattering of tensile. 

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You have built an amazing quit, Tammy.

These body memories can be slow in fading away but, they will


and fade

and fade.....


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Yup - that's the way it goes for all of us I think. You end up with a mixed bag of thoughts and feelings on any given day and the whole process seems endless but, it won't be that way forever. Things always change and with quitting, the longer the time you invest in the process, the better the changes become. Surely you must notice that when you think back to your first week or so of quitting? I know I am still seeing improvements in my quit after over 1 1/2 years. They aren't pronounced and they are very slow in coming but I have even less desire to ever smoke again than I had after 1 full year. The mental healing process is ongoing for all of us. It won't skip by you Tammy - it can't! All you have to do is continue the path you're on and it will ALL come to you, just as it does for all of us :) 

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