Kate18

First craving of the day, with coffee. Was going to have green tea, but forgot to steep it in cold brew fashion last night. Coffee it is. Imagining smoking and how satisfying it would be to relieve the discomfort of this change in ritual and drug withdrawal. Continued with the imagery, though, on to having cataracts and being blind, losing my job and home, and dying young with my kids grieving. By the time I was finished imagining, the craving passed. Left me in a blue mood, though. Going to imagine something more uplifting next craving.

Now *there's a thought! Good idea, especially when I read the complaints online (on America's favorite online place) about various juggling ball sets. I want the kind that don't roll away. I have that kind, and spend more time searching out the balls under furniture than juggling. Thanks, Jillar, great idea.

Yes, and now, again. I just finished watching a charming movie before going to bed. Now is when I would have smoked. Instead, I practiced twirling my pen between my fingers for a minute or two. It's tougher than it looks. Started off with the pen as pseudo-cigarette. I think I'll order small bean bags online and learn to juggle through my cravings. It'll be a new skill. New neurons forming and old ones being pruned away.

Jillar, it feels so silly, the air cigarette smoking. Not as foolish as having a real cigarette between my fingers.

If the price of a pack of cigarettes suddenly doubled, I wonder how many people would quit. But when they creep up, the impact doesn't feel so great. "Hey, it's just another 50 cents." Or maybe that's just me. Because that's what I would think to myself.

Getting the urge again...still. Time to read some posts from other quitters Thanks, jillar, I will try it. Now, as I'm reading posts

The after-dinner craving has settled in. Had an ice cream bar as a reward for getting through it. That's a heavy one, after dinner. Made it, though. On to the next.

Only quit an hour ago, but moving forward as though this is my permanent quit. I weathered the first craving by making a pot of oatmeal with goji berries, flaxseed, chia seeds, and blackstrap molasses. Ate half. Craving has past. 8:54 am. Trying to figure out how to make a running list of cravings, not separate blog entries. Tried "add a message," and now "edit." Craving 3: passed by my cup of coffee remnants on the kitchen counter; immediate craving. Came back to QT to post the craving. Now getting ready to go to health supplement store to meet up with someone my gym trainer recommended. 3:45 pm. Ran errands. Every time I stopped the car, I had a craving. I used to smoke after I got somewhere and after I parked the car at home before I went in the house. Closed my eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, ran a litany of diseases through my imagination, and marched right on. (After opening my eyes)

Not today, an hour at a time. Will track my cravings on a note card, plus what I did to get through it. First one--I made healthy oatmeal and ate it. That's one for the cause of a healthier body. Each hour I get through, I will give myself a small reward. Don't know what, yet.

NOPE Read through my list of the many reasons to quit. Got to keep my motivation strong. Ready with cookies to stimulate those endorphins when a craving for nicotine hits. (Carrots just don't do it for me.)

My father was on hospice with smoking-caused emphysema for about four months. My weekly visits with him never lasted more than an hour at a time. I was a closet smoker. I'd make excuses to leave. I couldn't stand another minute without smoking.

It does boil down to commitment, I agree. I get where the folks who are struggling to keep a commitment. I felt as though I had two warring personalities, one that wanted to keep the commitment, the other easily overpowering it with the promise of easing the panic that something terrible was going to happen to my kids, or that I'd make a fatal mistake at work and lose my job. All that panic the result of craving nicotine, but my commitment wilted in the face of the anxiety. I can't count the times I threw away cigarettes and lighters, said, "that's it!" and hours, days, or weeks later I blithely and without a specific trigger trotted off to the store for cigarettes. I don't know what was wrong with me. There has to be motivation to state, "I'm committed," and ongoing motivation to keep that commitment. I tried vitamins, Tony Robbins, a book, "What to say when you talk to yourself," nicotine replacement, self-hypnosis/suggestion, meditation...I can't remember what else. It was all in the service of trying to stay committed. It was as though I was only reaching one aspect of my personality, with the addicted aspect unaffected. When I was successful for days or weeks, I don't really know where I found the motivation to stay abstinent for those periods of time, but made it only hours other times. I agree, it does boil down to commitment. It's been staying motivated that has been lacking for me to keep that commitment. I feel committed now because the specter of encroaching blindness looms on my horizon. In the mind of a person who keeps the commitment, is there perhaps a consciously or subconsciously held picture/sounds/feelings that are more powerful than addiction?

Yesterday I allowed myself foods (including some rather high in sodium--forbidden because they worsen glaucoma) -- in order to stimulate the pleasure center of the brain and counteract the void left by ceasing to feed my brain with nicotine. I especially like hot dogs, which, unfortunately, are a class-1 carcinogen. Won't repeat that one, but I enjoyed them immensely with some rice and vegetables. It worked to stop the cravings. I made it with little difficulty to evening. It isn't a permanent solution, but for a few days I'll indulge. I just had a cookie left over from yesterday with my coffee. I joined the 24 Hour Fitness gym across the street from my neighborhood. My first induction/training session is Monday. I want to see how much nicotine-craving can be countered by exercise, and how long the effect lasts. Anyone have success with easing cravings with exercise? The amount of it? How often do you have to exercise to stave off craving? I'm thinking it could be useful to learn to properly punch a punching bag at the gym. When I visualize that I'm punching the bag as a surrogate for a cigarette or the tobacco industry, or the dark side of myself that wants to smoke--quite a satisfying image.

This morning I awoke and my first thoughts were about coffee and a cigarette. Incredibly, I started rationalizing that maybe the worsening of my eyesight in my right eye was from something like eye strain, something temporary. I stepped back 20 feet from the eye sight testing chart I bought on Amazon and taped onto my door and tested my eyes. 20/70 at best with my right eye. No change with left eye. The results of the chart triggered a cascade of reasons I quit for. I felt some relief that I could feel good about the improvements in my health that might be possible when I stay quit. All the while I smoked in the past, I said to myself that, "my father was "healthy" and smoked since he was in his late teens"--and he was around 80-85 at the time. He got prostate cancer somewhere in there, but survived. The irrational addictive thought was, "If I get cancer after 50 years of smoking, it' won't be a tragedy, it'll be a miracle!" (I'd be 120 years old.) What an idiot. My father had quit the moment he had the diagnosis and the doctor said, "quit or die." It wasn't until later that he was diagnosed with emphysema. I used to visit him most Sundays for an hour in the last few years of his life. I watched the disease take hold ever stronger and suffocate him. He was 91 when he passed away 10 months ago, his body like a skeleton with skin stretched over them -- emphysema made it difficult for him to eat anything in his last year. Somewhere in my mind I was thinking, "I'll quit before any cancer or other disease becomes a problem." The darkening color of my toes in the winter--they'd be better in the summer--it was just the cold weather. The pressure in my chest when I climbed stairs--just need to start walking. The varicose veins that cause my legs to swell--vascular surgery. The way my facial skin has aged, taking me from looking 40 into my 50s, to looking early 70s in my 60s. In my addictive haze, I rationalized that I could stop or reverse anything that assailed me. How crazy is our thinking when we smoke, mine, anyway. Dr Abraham Twersky wrote a book called Addictive Thinking. He wrote about how an addict skews cause and effect, attributing a problem or problems to anything but the addictive substance. In these early days of quitting, when I'm still craving, I'll have to reread it to reinforce my understanding of the lies of the part of my mind that wants nicotine.

It is not a typo, unfortunately. I lapsed and had given up. I had no confidence in myself to keep a pledge to not smoke and was never going to come back to QT. I've been impulse driven. The insidious thought that one more pack won't really matter had me going from pack to pack. I'd resigned to being a smoker. Seeing the video, and recognizing the truth of what Davos says--a lot of it from Anthony Robbins, I think--reminds me of how change can happen and gives me a glimmer of hope again. I like Davos's suggestion of saying out loud--and I think "out loud" is a key factor-- that "what I really want is ......." She suggested air, what I really want is air. In essence, I think it's, "what I want is a hit of dopamine, a sense of elation or relaxation without it being prompted by a hit of nicotine." I'm making this up as I go through my day today. I'm buying a few cookies when I get to work. I'm practicing what she said. For today, it's "what I really want is the small sugar rush when I eat a cookie on my break." I'll figure out tonight what I can do tomorrow. I just ordered a sustainable farming book on Amazon, "How to Grow More Vegetables (and Fruits, Nuts, Berries, Grains, and Other Crops) Than You Ever Thought Possible on Less Land with Less Water Than You Can Imagine." Jeavons, John. The reality of my ever having a mini-farm again (I had one years ago) is dim--I'm 69 and have to work until I drop. But the dream makes me happy. I'm hopeful that studying the book will give me hours of pleasure--dopamine, that is. Other than the above, I don't know how to make this time quitting different. At least I'm out of the mindset that I was always going to be a smoker. I had quit trying. I realized two days ago that my eyesight in one of my eyes went from 20/40 to about 20/60 within the space of four months. Scared me. This morning I went online to review quit-smoking sites and motivational, self-improvement quotes. I found this video and what Davos says makes sense. After so many failures, I'm afraid of failing again. But if I don't try again, I am doomed to a nightmarish life.