darcy

Well,... seat still warm on the train, yet I seem headed toward the exit sign at this station. Lonely amidst a group that love me ~ a familiar feeling. A lifetime ...well 37 years, of poor or rudimentary skills at dealing with discord and BIG feelings have left me adrift over the last few days. Not surprised...no one waves a magic wand , or puts out the smoke, and magically fills the 'space' with graceful replacements....or maybe they do and it is just me. anyway not much of light and hope to say.... still here...hurray!.

Yes...keeping the quit is what I want want. Sometimes I get so angry, hurt or sad I choose...I choose to hurt myself instead of hurling hurtfulness toward people I care about. Smoking was that choice for so long, I do not know how to navigate this space with out them. I am stuck on stupid right now.. Tired and hoping sleep comes quickly and a reset of perspective is there in the morning. thanks to Sazerac and jillar...grateful to know you are walking with me through this.

Hello Fabulous QT People, I am having a really rough go. Plan to go read the pre respond thread after posting this , then maybe update my blog. I realize nothing gets better when I pick up....don't seem to care. Already went to the store to get smokes and did not get them. Planning to get them tomorrow on grocery run. Do not want my house guests to feel responsible in anyway for my choices. They are smokers and addicts (speaking of myself here) are addicts no assistance required. lol...sigh and cry. Planning to hide them from the folks here for awhile. ha ha ah...stink much? Can already feel the headache that will happen once I pick up. I am so angry and sad and tooo hot. things may be better in the morning....and I need to get to the morning.

nope

Just stopped by to learn, connect and share a bit. Best of everything to Boo. May your adventures bring many belly laughs and your love overflow and change the world! Quick acknowledgment of the gratitude for my non smoking life..... LOVING every minute of not arranging life around smoking grandkids coming to stay for a month...won't even have to THINK about what I am role modeling by smoking because I DON'T SMOKE!!! much laughter aloud at that truism....YAY my marvelous man is deeply grateful I am Free! I do not give a single thought to how I might smell when in public (although I am not often in public) I am wheeze free in breathing I choose where to sit and what to do not caring if people an see me or I am polluting their space...because I do not smoke I am more active and sometimes have more energy conscious and aware of cultivating true health and healing....step are taken...2 forward, 1 back and loop around the floor Quit Train and the dedicated people here .... THANK YOU for your giving and continuity....makes a world of change possible my life is truly being lived beyond my wildest dreams in many arenas... thank you, thank you, thank you... I have people coming to stay that are smokers. I've got this. I AM FREE!!

nope...thank you, thank you, thank you....nope

Wow, Jillar... hats off to your accomplishment. Freedom for you no matter the situation. Wise bunny woman and incredible support and advocate for Freedom.. four bunnies, one for each year.

Wonderful you, 4 YEARS of fabulous FREEDOM.

nope

Yay for your 7 years of FREEDOM. cruising along...

Hello Fabulous Quit Train People, It has been awhile since I was here on the boards. The last 3 hours have been a wreck of smokey thoughts and intentions. Grateful I chose to come visit here before grabbing my keys and heading out. Haven't gotten myself off the ledge yet and am certain I will get off it before relapsing. The intensity doesn't surprise me. I know who I am. Sad that I am having the "same old , same old" response to predictably the same old, same old ire raising situations. Yet, again, I know who I am. Or do I? Perhaps this urge is responsive/reactive to the myriad of BIG FEELINGS and stressful circumstances being experienced. Collective experiences of 2020 ...living just outside the Twin Cities... navigating life and loving in "the after times" of Covid-19 presence. Or perhaps, and likely, it is my long standing programming to choose harm to myself when I am "over" (whelmed, hungry, angry, lonely, tied, hot, ashamed, feeling powerless, etc....) Need to hold space for allowing the new. Past behavior is only a predictor until it isn't, ...and something changes. Think I picked up that delightful tidbit here on the train. Came and read several pages of "pre respond to your S.O.S.". Including both of my own posts there. having salad and sharing my ticker stats with my marvelous man. grateful I will make it through this day as a non smoker. I know I am one crappy decision away from a lifetime of continued misery. Keeping gratitude in the forefront..... will get to see my dad in person this Autumn. likely going to marry my marvelous man while my dad visits....bit of a late bloomer on the "traditional social norm" scene...grateful for THAT, too! Got to float through the lake reeds listening to a pair of loons garden is growing and exciting to watch and eat I have nourishing relationships and environments I am a nonsmoker a doe and her to spotted fawns are a daily delight to see I am enjoying kayaking, canoeing and just sitting lakeside listening and watching the gift of health is keeping me living easily My needs are met fully and richly...many wants, too I have over $800 because I do not smoke Quit Train exists and is filled with fabulous support and great information .....so much more to be grateful for , too......... looks like I made it through this addiction dance....

nope

Hey Jo, Glad you're home and surgery was successful. Enjoy the resting up for a few days.

Mending happening.... Glad you are tended to. Love and light.

Hello Fabulous Quit Train People, Have been quite busy with navigating guests in my home who do not share beliefs around covid concerns. Glad to have (sort of, not really...) found a way to be okay with sharing close space and being with the people I hold deeply dear. More urgent smokey thoughts in the last few days than I have experienced in awhile. Just acknowledging the thought, announcing "I don't smoke", and moving on to the next activity. Still surprised when I spend any time thinking about it...that I am a nonsmoker. Still wondering...am I solid enough to change my patterns when the worst storms hit? Deeply enjoying gardening and learning to play pinochle. Made the BEST lemon cookies ever last week. Have been visiting the fledging owls (2) daily for more than a week. So beautiful. Grateful for my health and the health of those I love. Grateful to have resources and abundance of interesting and fulfilling opportunities. Grateful that at this juncture I do not spend much brain power or time on smoking. Hoping you are finding your way joyfully on the train. Reach out, post and share - struggling or easy street. People here will support your quit. You got this. I got this! 38 year smoker....2 months plus smoke free!