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As I approach 2 months smoke free it´s time to stop and think. It´s amazing how my life has changed in only 2 months. I think 2 months is so little time. A baby is just an inch long. In 2 months! Nevertheless my life has made a happy twist and turn in so little time. I´m healthier than ever. I realized something: if I was able to quit smoking I can do anything. I´m unstoppable. That gave me the strenght to keep going with an exercise plan and bike at least half an hour a day. That gave me the confidence to rescue a tiny kitten. I was totally afraid of cats and had been all my life. But when I knew that little (ginger Colleen ;)) furry buddy didn´t had a home I couldn´t resist. Because if I could stop smoking I could lose my fear of cats. And so I took him in my arms and proved once again that I´m unstoppable. Sir Garfield is the cutest, most funny and lovely friend I could´ve asked for. If I could stop smoking I might well can stop drinking that much coffee. I´ve been willing to add some green tea to my day and so I did. Because quitting has been totally empowering. I´m incredibly thankful for this community. Everyday I look forward to wake up, see who´s celebrating that day and feel very happy for them. I look forward every morning to write my NOPE and really mean it. Thank to all of you guys! For the ones that still haven´t met Sir Garfield:

I have read about the acronym, H A L T, in recovery paraphernalia and have used it to a great degree of success in changing my patterns from a nicotine addict to a Free person. Having a Crave ? H. A. L. T. Are you Hungry - Thirsty - need a deep breath of Oxygen ? Angry - Happy - Emotional ? Lonesome - Bored ? Tired ? In many, many instances, when I would reach for a smoke, my poor body was actually trying to alert me that it needed attention in some way. My addiction silenced these natural signals. I still catch myself these days...no, it is no longer a crave, it is my body hollering for water or food or something it really needs ! Now, groovin' in my new freedom, when these signals come up, my first thought may still be, 'Oh cigarette, dammit' However, it is followed immediately by, 'No, not smokes...you're Hungry, baby !' or, you're thirsty or, you need to go sit outside and take a big gulp of oxygen and figure out what your body or spirit requires. The piracy that nicotine practiced is still mind-boggling to me. Allowing nicotine to take over my basic human needs of sustenance and comfort was a grave error on my part. I am grateful my body is so forgiving . I am grateful to be free. Free and learning how to read my body's signals and remembering how to take good care of it. So, next time you have what you assume to be a Nic fit, have a think...what is your body really telling you ? It won't be hard to figure out. For me it has been obvious and I have to wonder, how could I have neglected my body for so long ? It is a miracle it survived. I would like to include our friend, Joel Spitzers' Do You Want A Cigarette....H.A.L.T.

I've umm'ed and ahh'ed about writing another blog entry, I don't like to be rushed I guess. I thought I was in a new year and heading for my 4th year quit but on perusing the site, transpires I'm heading for my 5th lol. Smoking is an enigma to me now but those who knew my habit 2+ packs a day for years can't believe I have stayed quit *cough, this site* and new friends can't imagine me as a smoker! The latter is a compliment for sure. However when I quit it was with two others. My Mum and my then boyfriend, now just one of my best friends. Both relapsed. Chris, my friend, smokes heavily again and has done for 4 years, no quit in sight. Sadly my Mum damaged herself too heavily and last May, 1 day before her 70th birthday, I stood at her bedside after the awful news she wouldn't make it - to talk her over to the other side. Our relationship had been fairly strained but I'm pleased we had marginally reconnected for a few months before she died of multiple organ failure - drinking and smoking were at the heart of it all, quite literally. I have the most awful memories and photographic evidence of me holding her hand and cuddling in as I was telling her to look for our loved ones...when we should have been preparing for her birthday. If you have children and are on the fence then please consider that it isn't just you who suffers. Get educated and be real. The quit itself is effortless now. I remember at times that I would have smoked here and smile that it means absolutely nothing, it simply a memory. My children are level 4 and 5 (red and green belt) at mixed martial arts where I used the money from quitting to put them in a club to train. I should really go to that gym I pay for more, oops, but I can still run faaarrrr better than I ever could as a smoker, even with the gaps in training haha. The quit bought me strength, joy and healthier finances....I have never looked back. I completely retrained myself with a new career and am happily teaching both Reiki healing and Tarot Cards that I trained in. My point is the quit bought me nothing but good and joy. Those who didn't commit have a painful story attached. Love to all. Marti. xx

I'm just glad to still be smoke free. So to quote something quoted to me my someone who was quoting someone else..... Sometimes I want to murder my husband with an axe. But I don't because I'm not an axe murderer. HA!! Sometimes I want to smoke but I don't Because I'm a non-smoker!!! YAY!!! Thanks quoter. You know who you are. ;)

I am so pleased with myself, a few things happened over the weekend and my first reaction was not, I want a ciggie, in fact now I think about it, didn't enter my mind. ( dealing with son's father always makes me want ciggie) It even feels like the depression has eased a bit. I think re-reading Allen Carr's book has helped. Its Tuesday today and I really don't have that restless feeling. Their is one draw back, I think I have a problem with NRT. I didn't really click until reading the book. That will be the next thing I deal with. Thank you all my new friends. This is a very peaceful Gabby over and out.

This might be 'just an online forum', but today many have shown me they are more then online friends. Behind a screen yes, but without judgmental views or misunderstanding. They might not grasp all of me, but they accept me. This is one of the rarest forums where I've encounters such a thing. People judge you, how you dress, if you're fat or to thin, if you're on drugs. Instead of an 'get over it' respond, I received so many supportive replies when hit rock bottom today. Peptalk yes, but it kept me going. Something told me the majority of the members of this forum is worth to be trusted. I almost ran out for cigs, even thought of self injury and none of happen because people backed me up. I'm a fighter but sometimes I fight with myself. Looking in the mirror asking when the pain will end. But I did not pick up that razor and and called a friend, cried out loud. And you know what so many on the forums where right, the pain, the grief is there but not all the time - my little SOS topic made me realize I had to sit it out. And now I'm like a shinning star, sitting behind my desk - knowing I have friends... maybe far away behind a screen. And although all of it is my responsibility; lighting up a cig or cutting, it helps to know I have people backing me up. Because it means I'm not alone in my fight. They might be bystanders but they are are ready to advice me or give me virtual hug, a bump. If you think you make no difference, think again. You just did to me, today.

This morning I just realized that yesterday I didn’t have one smoking thought. I had periods of boredom but I didn’t think about smoking I just did something else. I accomplished work stuff and didn’t think about having a smoke as a reward or to transition to the next task. I had stress at work and I didn’t think about having a smoke so I could deal with it better. Amazing! I’m really retraining my brain to act and think without dependence on nicotine after two months. The power of being human! Last week i had had lots of smoking thoughts. But they passed without me smoking. This week I’m not having any and I almost took it for granted. I’m celebrating the truth that it does get easier.

I quit smoking today for the thousandth time. And I'm using this as my documentation for this journey. Today is the day that I will make this quit for good and change my life for forever. Welcome everyone.

I havent really been on much as ive had a lot of stuff goin on. Some good. Some bad and some truely ugly! But... im still smoke free and stil declaring to myself on a daily basis to keep up NOPE. So im now on day 23 and i can honestly say that nothing has felt as good as this achievement in a very long time. Im findin the strength to change other aspects on my life, so i initially started this to quit smoking, but all of a sudden im findin alot of my life is changin for the better and i didnt even realise or expect it. I didnt realise just how much smoking controlled my life and wat i did/how i spent my days. Im truely feelin the benefits and am finding that actually, im coping alot better than i did wen i was smoking... lots of positives have come out of this. I NEVER want to go back....

My mother got settled in at a rehab facility the other day so I was able to come home yesterday. It's a long, boring drive (8 hours) so even though I listen to talking books, I do sometimes wish I had a cigarette to break the monotony. At one point I stopped to get gas and use the restroom. As I was leaving the store I was looking around a bit. The clerk caught my eye and asked if she could help me. I said, "Yes. Tell me no." She looked puzzled and wary but said, "No." I said, "Thank you." Then I continued, "I quit smoking some months ago but I saw your sign advertising cigarettes for $3.25 a pack. So I was thinking..." She immediately caught on and said, "NO!! Absolutely not!! Get out of this store right now!" So I did. We both had a good laugh over the exchange. I probably would not have bought any cigarettes, but for certain sure that clerk would not have sold me any even if I wanted them. That's what I call good customer service! :)

"My brother's wife's cousin's girlfriend's second uncle twice removed smoked four packs a day from the time he was seven and died of natural causes in his sleep at 95, right after he ran two back-to back-marathons with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips." "My great-great-great-grandfather smoked all his life and never even got a cold. Not once. In fact, I think he's still alive! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!" "My grandmother's best friend's mother lived to 102; ate only junk food, smoked like a chimney, and went ballroom dancing every Saturday right up until her very last day." The Legend. That mythical, magical smoker who confidently marches through life enveloped by tendrils of deep blue smoke at all times and never, ever feels one single negative effect of it. The one who sucks deeply on those coffin nails and spits them triumphantly in the face of the Grim Reaper, if he ever dares wave his scythe in her direction. A marvel of existence, this smoker's story is told and re-told in hushed reverent tones, wherever other smokers huddle and shiver, pulling the acrid biting fumes deep into the soft fragile folds of their lungs. More than one smoker has bet his life on the existence of The Legend, with the hope of eventually becoming one himself. And I'm here to tell you that The Legend...does in fact exist. Actually, she was my grandmother. But, before you sigh in relief and rush off to light that cancer stick, STOP. Don't be hasty. Make a cup of tea. Get comfy. Hang in with me for a bit. You'll want to hear the rest of this. Born in the early 1920's in Europe, my grandmother was not expected to survive for more than a couple of hours after her birth. Her parents prepared for a funeral, not a christening. Yet, much to the surprise of the learned medical professionals of the time, survive she did. She was left with a weakened heart, but other than strict instructions to never do any vigorous exercise, she needed no other medication. I'm sure the advice would be different today, but at that time, in that place, it was considered a solid treatment plan. In her teens and early 20's, she lived through the brutality of WWII, surviving regular bombings, violence and some of the worst that humanity could offer up, at times at point-blank range. My grandmother, as it turned out, was bullet-proof. In her 30's, she was involved in a spectacular car crash, where she was ejected from the vehicle, pinned underneath it, and dragged through the city streets, past horrified onlookers, until the car mercifully, eventually slid to a protracted stop. The doctors told my grandfather to start making funeral arrangements. Your wife, they said, will not last through the night. Not only did she last through the night, but a few weeks later, sporting the full body cast she was to be imprisoned in for nearly a year, she discharged herself from the hospital and arranged transportation to send her home for the rest of her recovery. She said she didn't care for hospitals. After that, she endured communism. And food shortages. And political strife. Finally, she relocated her family overseas and began a new life. Throughout most of that life, with all of its improbable twists and turns, she smoked. Her husband smoked. Her son smoked. As did her daughter, my mother. Her son-in-law smoked. Her daughter-in-law too. The neighbours. The cousins. The in-laws on all sides. Most of the friends, as well. Everyone except the family dogs! But that was only because they had no opposable thumbs and couldn't work the lighters; they had to make do with all the second-hand smoke instead. Needles to say, most of my family memories were formed through a thick swirling haze. The years went on. My grandmother, the legendary leader of us all, carried on puffing and laughing away, not a care in the world. And so it was until my other grandmother came for a visit from Europe. I was just a child when she showed up at the airport gasping for air, dragging an oxygen tank, and asking where she could light a smoke. She died soon after. COPD. She was in her 60's. And her illness and subsequent death started a chain of events that marked many of the milestones in my life. A few years after that fateful visit, my father's only brother finally put out his last cigarette as he lay dying from throat cancer. In his 40's. Then it was my uncle, my mom's brother - heart attack in his 40's. By an unlikely stroke of luck, he survived. The rest of the family cheered, celebrating the miracle out in the hospital parking lot, hidden from view by thick roiling clouds of smoke. But at least my uncle quit smoking after that health scare. Until he got discharged. That stellar chapter in the family history was followed by my grandfather's unexpected and abrupt end - complications from prostate cancer surgery. Apparently they're not kidding when they say to quit smoking before all those procedures. A few years later, it was my mom's turn to play cancer roulette - cervical cancer. In her 50's, a young, vibrant, full life ended in pain, suffering and despair within a year of diagnosis. She put out her last cigarette right before the ambulance took her away for the last time. Yet my grandmother, by then in her 80's, kept smoking, not a hint of cough in sight. Nary a pill needed. Puffing away, enduring the unending, unrelenting misery of watching her loved ones suffer and die in agony, one after another in short succession, by the hand of an addiction she refused to leave behind. The stale tendrils of smoke next reached out to my father, who, in his late 50's, consumed by grief after losing my mother, his childhood sweetheart, started a new life. One which did not include any part of his old one, save for smoking. We all cope in our own ways, I suppose. My last memory of him, likely the only one I'll have, is of a cigarette firmly clenched between his ruined teeth, wisps of smoke escaping through a crack in the car window, the sounds of a wracking cough slowly dying on the wind as he drove out of my life. A few years later, still unbearably broken of heart over her daughter's (my mother's) early death, my grandmother, at 92, in good health and surrounded by swirls of smoke, caught a cold. And then she was gone. My only comfort was that she was finally released from her grief. As it turned out, I had one other reason to be thankful, if you can call it that, a couple of years later. She didn't have to watch as her only surviving child, now in his 60's, having lived through that early heart attack, smoked his way through to a diagnosis of terminal lung cancer. And then he was gone too. And me? Despite being witness to all of this, I had started smoking in my early 20's, and I kept right on doing it. After all, my grandmother lived to 92 and she had smoked all her life! She was never sick! She was MY legend. That mythical magical excuse I used to keep smoking, even as my family fell around me, one by one. But, you see, my nicotine-addled brain only saw my grandmother - an active, shiny 92 - the blue smoke accenting the ice blue of her eyes. THE LEGEND. It didn't register that every single person I had loved had died, horribly, because of smoking. Smoking was either a strong contributing factor or a direct cause for every illness or ill effect that befell each of them. But I only saw THE LEGEND, so blinded was I by that smoky haze surrounding my brain. By my late 30's, other than a few cousins and distant relatives I had no real contact with, my whole family, the ones I spent Christmas and Easter with, the ones I grew up with, the ones I called with news big and small, the ones I loved, were gone. An only child, I was the only one left standing. And smoking. Yes, you build your own family with your partner, close friends also fill the gaps and life carries on. But it's never quite the same. There is always a sadness and an empty space that you can never fill in. I'm optimistic and happy-go-lucky by nature, but I've spent more nights sobbing into my pillow than I'd care to admit because of all I have lost. There is no one alive now who remembers my first steps, or who it was that got drunk on that trip to the cottage that year and went skinny dipping in the lake. There is no one I can phone if I forget how to bake my grandmother's famous apple cake. It's like a part of my life, of my memories, just disappeared into nothingness. I didn't have enough time to hear all the stories, to collect all the recipes and to share some of mine. And I never will. There have been so many moments that I wanted to pick up the phone and call them. But there will never again be anyone on the other end of those calls. And I know that people die. And the younger generations are left with only memories and they move on, in turn raising younger generations. It's the natural order of things. But not this early. Not yet. I should have had another 30 years, maybe not with my grandparents, but with everyone else. So many memories that will never get made. Instead, where a family had once been, I just had a pack of smokes. Cold comfort, that, especially on those days. You know the ones. Mother's Day, Father's Day, Christmas, Easter, birthdays, Mondays; all are bittersweet. Having somehow survived, mentally and physically intact thus far, into my early 40's, it was finally time for me to make a very important decision. Where am I going to place my bet? Having seen what that one first puff of a cigarette, that each member of my family took at one point in their lives, amounted to, I saw what it meant to be a smoker. The odds of survival there, quite frankly, stunk! But I didn't want to be a Legend either. Because when you hear the stories of THE LEGEND, as told in that smoking huddle, you're not ever getting the full picture. My Legend, my grandmother, was an anomaly. The exception that proves the rule. Yes, she smoked right to the end. Yes, she lived to 92. No, she did not die of cancer or a heart attack or any of the other 100 diseases brought on by smoking. But in the end, legends don't get to escape smoking's wrath either; it just gets them in a different way. My grandmother may have had a long life, but her final chapters were just as touched by smoking's miserable effects as those who die of a smoking-related disease. Mental suffering can be just as much a prison as physical impairment, for those who have to endure it. She paid her smoking dues, my grandmother, with interest. Up close, legends are just sad addicts with nothing left to live for, the gift of time now a curse. How aspirational is that? So, don't envy The Legends. Don't use them as an excuse to keep sucking on those refried butts. Don't romanticize them. And don't bet that you'll be one, either, if you're still so inclined. Legends are considered special and mythical for one main reason; there are so very, very few of them. Placing a bet here would just be foolish. My decision was finally made. I put all my chips on being a free and happy Quitter. There are no guarantees, of course, but I really like my odds here. And now that the smoke has cleared, and you too can see the true story behind THE LEGEND, it's your turn to bet. Choose wisely.

"But I enjoyed smoking!" I hear that again and again from folks struggling to quit. (I've heard my own inner addict's voice whisper it a thousand times.) And so I ask this question: Was smoking ever REALLY enjoyable? One of the keys to my success this time around has been to remind myself that smoking was never really something I enjoyed. Not really. Remember that very first cigarette--the burning sensation in your throat, the acrid smell of the smoke, the cough following that first hit? I still remember it. Why did I continue to smoke? It wasn't because I enjoyed it. It was because the nicotine receptors in my brain woke up after my FIRST puff and immediately began screaming for more. I was hooked from the get-go. Smoking wasn't something I enjoyed. When I really think about it, smoking was something I hated. I hated the guilt and shame. I hated sneaking around whilst trying to hide my habit from my disappointed loved ones. I hated the dirty looks I got from non-smokers when I lit up in public. I hated the smell that permeated my clothes, my skin, my hair, my car. I hated cleaning foul, dirty ashtrays. I hated spending money only to watch it burn up. I hated huddling on the porch in the cold and rain, trying to stay warm and dry while puffing away like some kind of fiend. I hated coughing every time I laughed. I hated wheezing every time I climbed even a short flight of stairs. I hated the ulcers in my nose that wouldn't heal. And I hated the fear that each cigarette brought me a little bit closer to death. So where does that sense of "enjoyment" come from? Because I thought for years that smoking was something I liked doing. That's why I threw away quits in the past--I thought I was missing out on something. But the more I learned about nicotine addiction, the more I began to realize the truth: smoking was something I did to fulfill a craving. That's it. That sense of enjoyment was actually my inner addict's sense of relief at getting another fix. Even that first cigarette of the day, which was always my "favorite," was not an enjoyable experience. It was simply providing a rush of nicotine after 8 hours of withdrawal. (Yes, even in sleep my body was always begging for another hit.) Ok, so maybe I enjoyed the lovely quiet mornings spent on my porch with a cup of coffee. Guess what? I can still enjoy those. And I can breathe in lots of fresh, clean air while I enjoy them. Because now I'm truly enjoying them. I'm not simply satisfying a need. A need I created when I took that very first puff. (Isn't that sad?) I didn't enjoy smoking. I do, however, enjoy being smoke free. Attitude is everything in a successful quit. Change your thoughts about the habit itself, and it will save you down the road. Trust me.

Nothing exploded. I gave up smoking and stuff carried on as normal, the world didn't blow up nor did I fall over and curl into a ball - things carried on. Stuff still happened that annoyed me, stuff still happened that made me happy and I dealt with that stuff - stuff is easy without smoke, you find a way in the end. It's almost 3 months for me after 25 years of smoking, the most annoying thing about the quit is that I didn't do it sooner. I'm not talking about those half arsed quits, you know the ones that smokers do, bit like a game. I mean a real quit - why didn't I reach this frame of mind before. Sure, I'm a little jagged around the edges, a bit raw, but you know what it's kinda nice not to be numb to the world. So if you have stumbled across these few words and are thinking about stopping smoking, then do it - it really is that simple and only you can make the choice. Your first step to taking control is making that decision.

I've had a wine or 5. At times like these I like to write, I find myself more honest when inbetween sober and tipsy. I'm close to 10K not smoked. I'm marking time waiting for it if I'm honest. I really want to get there and "get er done". I really have to push myself to think of smoking now. I mean, I can't imagine a scenario that means I would fall off the wagon. My quit is comfortable now. Not to say I never have a thought, I do, but it never overtakes me anymore. I just know this quit is safe. Ipay it forward, for sure, but I choose to do that as much as I choose to not smoke. Reading a newby journal (thanks oneistoo) has cemented where I am, as has my quit buddy hitting a year and messaging me saying "I fell off last night" as a joke to highlight my previous faux pas. That is what I did, 364 days and boom, carnage. Never again! I am stronger than all of that. I will stay quit cause I choose that. I will choose freedom from toxic people because I choose that too. I will fight for who I am because actually, I know that now and that makes me smile. Do you know I am raising strong independant and powerful women...and I'm not sure I even knew I was to lead by example, but it's all good...I am! I weirdly find that I can do whatever is needed and I can do it smoke free. My newest Jen was surprised my situation didn't cause a crave but it really doesn't. No matter what my life throws at me I choose the freedom from nicotine. It's not even an option anymore, it has been a done deal for a while. It feels good to finally write...my quit is properly done. Just here making up the numbers now :)

My sister just left for the airport to go home. I did NOT fight with her this week. I did NOT smoke. Hooray for both of us! Basically, we stayed out of each other's way. We took different shifts staying with Mom at the hospital. During the few hours that we were in the same house, we stayed in different rooms and ate different meals at different times. We spoke as often as necessary about Mom's condition and care and other than that we had nothing to say to each other. A sad state of affairs for sisters but surely better than the tension and screaming fights we have had in the past. Mom's condition is improving. She was really hit hard by the surgical anesthesia and was semi-comatose for the first 36 hours. Because she was laying in bed for so long being completely inert and non-responsive, my sister and I began to be concerned about her developing pneumonia (the #1 killer of elderly hospitalized patients). So Friday night I stayed in her room all night and woke her up every 2 hours by rubbing ice water on her face so that she would wake up enough to breathe deeply and cough up any accumulated fluids. She got really mad at me for doing that but too bad. It worked. By Saturday afternoon she was awake enough to use that spirometer-thingy to get her lungs functioning so I was happy. Her vital signs are good. She's getting some early PT and hopefully will be able to transfer to a rehab hospital near her home on Monday or Tuesday. I'm telling you, this is one tough old bird! My sister and I did share a laugh the other day when we were marveling at our mother's toughness. We began to speculate that the only thing that would kill Mom would be a stake through her heart! Life is strange. At 92 with many serious injuries and disabilities and the loss of most friends and many loved ones, my mother has said many times that she is "ready to go". And yet each time the opportunity to die presents itself (like 3 heart attacks, a broken neck and now this surgery), she fights her way through it. I guess her life force is still strong in her. It's fascinating to watch. So I'm still in Tampa until Mom gets settled in a rehab facility. But I'm relieved about Mom's condition, relieved that I didn't fight with my sister, and relieved that I didn't smoke. Basically, just relieved all around! :) Thank you all for being there for me and thank you for your good wishes and your prayers. You really helped me to weather some of the rough times this past week. Hugs to all of you fine people ((( :wub: QT Friends!! :wub: )))

So this is where I can keep a log of my journey. I really really really have to make this my sticky quit. It is. I'm gonna keep saying it. This is my sticky quit. THIS IS MY STICKY QUIT!!!!! THIS IS MY STICKY QUIT!!!

I think I've hit a breakthrough in my quit. I was thinking the other day about New Year's Eve and planning my adventures for the evening. (They involve pizza, pajamas, and The Twilight Zone marathon on Syfy.) I was remembering last New Year's Eve and recalling how I spent most of the day smoking as many cigarettes as I could in preparation for my quit the next day. I thought about how I spent the last moments of 2018 smoking my last cigarette, which I extinguished at 11:59pm just as the fireworks were starting in my neighborhood. And I realized something... For the first time, I didn't feel any type of nostalgia for my former habit. All I felt was relief that I don't have to deal with it this year! I won't spend the entire day running outside (into the freezing cold) to light up every 15-30 minutes. I will be able to watch an entire episode of The Twilight Zone without taking a smoke break. My pizza will taste SO much better now that my taste buds aren't dulled by smoking. My pajamas will smell like fabric softener rather than a dirty ashtray. I won't feel the rising panic as the day winds down and my quit day draws closer. I won't have a literal panic attack as I stub out my very last cigarette. I will be with my husband at midnight instead of outside on my porch. (And I'll get a New Year's kiss this year, because my breath won't stink like cigarettes.) In short, this New Year's Eve will be something to look forward to rather than to dread. Isn't that wonderful? I don't miss smoking. Not at all! I love being a non-smoker!

It seems like there's a fight going on inside, Words going stark raving mad to take flight. I hesitate, but they want a deluge To hide is something they absolutely refuse. I ponder, wait and consider all angles They run unchecked, unhinged, untangled. Do I open the gates, I wonder Would the flood tear my life asunder? They just want to be free, not like freedom today In the true sense, totally uninhibited No judging, no boundaries, no questions Free to choose their destiny, their directions. So I let them flow, crimson like the Nile millenia ago They gush out, jump, and rush head on into the world. They clash against stoic wills and egos, against logic and emotions, Some get smashed to pieces, some hit hard, some get ignored, and some unleash the demons. I feel empty inside, like suddenly the colors are gone the world is bathed in pristine white. The silence is deafening, maybe I'm not used to peace For I know that like everything, peace comes at a price.

I sailed through the first week but this week has been a lot harder. On Day 9 I became obsessed with the "have I quit too late" thought. I had read a few personal stories where people had got a smoking related health problem after they had quit, and the seed of fear spiralled out of control in my mind. I don't really regret anything in my life but I do regret relapsing so many times. I don't think I can ignore the damage smoking does or that it is a killer. I do think though I need to start focusing on the other benefits to quitting besides health. Fear and sadness at what could happen, or that other people are going through can end up being quite destructive. Positivity is a big part of any success. The rest of the week has been pretty tough going and it's as though my brain has split into two. Quit half is full of knowledge and knows that quitting is the best thing I have ever done. When this half is in charge I am at my happiest. Smoker half clearly still has a lot of catching up to do as it is constantly trying to justify why I should go and buy a packet of cigarettes. The internal debates are relentless and it has become quite overwhelming. I love the Joel Spitzer quote below. This week it definitely would have been easy to go back. I'm extra proud I have got through smoke free as it has been challenging. I've needed friends to reassure me and hold me up but I'm walking into the third week. The factor that really shows the addiction is not how hard or how easy it is to quit. What really shows the addiction is how universally easy it is to go back - Joel Spitzer

Lifetime of Addiction I didn't want to hear this but, I am now facing this truth. Nicotine Addiction doesn't go away. You can put it to sleep. You can even put it into deep deep and deeper sleep for years ! but, it will awaken the moment you take one puff. One Puff. This is for your whole life. Mind boggling, huh !? This was the choice you likely didn't even know you were making all those years ago when you started smoking, I didn't understand the ramifications for sure. But, it is the truth. You will always need to be cognizant of your addiction even when smoking is a vague memory, because the moment you take a puff, the moment you take One Bloomin' PUFF, That's it ! It's all over and your enslavement will begin, again. The tenacity ! but, you need to understand, Nicotine is not as tenacious as You and Your Will. You can quit. I know you can. I quit and I am not a special snowflake, I am a Nicotine Addict, just like you. I have great resentment about my Nicotine Addiction. Damn....I didn't know it would be so invasive. I didn't know it was going to be a lifetime relationship. I am so angry about this but, it is a good anger. It is a righteous anger. It is an anger that will fuel my commitment to NOPE. Not One Puff EVER. Copping to the 'forever' part is a cold hard reality of the addiction. At some point, I had to quit fooling myself and accept it. It isn't just for today. It must be forever. If it isn't...I will continue to enslave myself. Some feel their addiction is so strong they cannot quit, This is wrong. You have the power. You always have the power to quit and you always have the power to stay quit. Make the commitment to NOPE ! As our friend, Sarge, says, 'Easy Peasy'. Easy ! not complicated ! This is not Rocket Science. If you make that commitment to NOPE...you will not fail. The simplicity of it ! The Beauty of it ! Not One Puff Ever. Do it. You won't regret it.

Unchartered territory. No oars, motor, navi, or map. Howdy!!! Still not sure whether or not this content will be read. How did you quit smoking? Was it planned or on a whim? Mine was both. I planned, quit, then failed,. Tried again and again. Until I finally quit. Just quit. Decided that was that, read Carr's book again (yep, first time failed), found a supportive forum. I quit. Quit. Done. Next. Moving on. I did not binge prior to my final quit. I have binged before. The mentality being -"I'm going to smoke and drink until I'm so sick I'll never want to do this again!" So, after 18+ months, I am thankfully labeled a non-smoker. ex-smoker, PERSON THAT DOES NOT SMOKE! I don't smoke. I eat. And ate. A lot. I ate too much over the course of 18 months. This evening I binged. On food. And drink. I re-read the books. A different quit starts tomorrow. I binged today knowing I would not tomorrow. This weight must come off & it will. I quit smoking. I can do anything. And I will.

I love to write, it is one of my passions and sometimes, it get's the mental neurons firing and course correcting. That's why there is power on these boards because as we help someone else up, or write down a ton of confusing feelings, or acknowledge that today is hard but yesterday was good, we start to straighten out our thought processes. Because some of you know but others don't, my life was somewhat complicated 14/15 months ago when I quit smoking. I had many pressures and few answers and the folk here helped me to quit but also to analyse what was working and what was not. I will be eternally greatful that in hindsight, there were no judgements....of quit techniques which were fairly sketchy or of personality types. This site and the people on it, accepted me for what I was and it meant I kept my quit, for them, when I didn't feel strong enough that moment. A lot is spoken of people who are slightly different and it feels like the world salutes that, apart from if your different is spiritual. Then the world gurns at you and stands back to make sure you are safe! Well I got none of that here and this sensation of being free...combined with safe brought me out of myself. I quit, of course, but I also grew. I will stop here to thank you for the inner strength I gained through calling you my friends. If you knew how safe I had played my past you would know who I have become is in no small part a revelation. This is not exclusive to me however. You guys and I will support everyone who comes through. Some support is gentle, some is really real, a couple are bordering on crazy but the heart of here is amazing. We all have the same end goal, grow and quit. I move forward in a new way of being and with new values. And I attribute no small part of that to my quit and having to grow into who I was supposed to be as I often feel we hide behind smoking. But also seeing people here every day, grow into who they were meant to be. It has given me strength to take this journey in tandem with others. I don't think we just quit smoking, I think we embrace a new way to be, or in actuality, who we were always supposed to be. I think there is strength in the quit from hour 1 to whatever number will be. So in case you wondered. My life is AMAZING and I attribute that to the support I got here as much as quitting smoking. This may make no sense to you but I felt like I should write somewhere that I am finally happy. I wake in the morning and smile. I go to sleep and smile. I sat saying to my Chris the other day, I feel as if I am free to be myself and I am honestly so happy I might burst. So for anyone who wondered how my story ended...it has just begun :) Ok I was always going to go deeper then the average bod would - but quitting can be a transformational life tool. Much love QT'ers. xx

I am 4 days away from making Old Pharte Status and I will be away with work which seems almost apt for my anniversary as I was away with work when I quit. all I can say is what a journey! phew, so much has happened in a year ....... This is not a pat on the back thread, this thread is dedicated to the newbies or others still finding their quit feet I know when I first quit I looked up to the old phartes and thought I want to be where they are, they are so sure of themselves and their quits, that is where I want to be! I listened and watched them but in the same token I felt they were a mile away from what I was feeling as they have traveled so far from the path I was traveling on at the time but I wanted to look ahead. My quit has been up and down and although I am on easy street for now, I do not forget the bumps in the road as that is where most of my education came from, from actually going through it and coming out the otherside I could not have done it without the support from members here who I class as friends, not fleshy but still friends :) we have laughed and cried together for a year, below are some examples of those bumps http://www.quittrain.com/topic/1485-being-on-your-guard/ http://www.quittrain.com/topic/1704-sos/ http://www.quittrain.com/topic/2325-my-stupid-junkie-brain/ http://www.quittrain.com/topic/2529-fed-up-tough-love-needed/ so those new here who think wow Tracey is solid in her quit, yes she is but just like you, there were wobbles so what you are feeling or thinking someone here really did go through the same thing and understands. It is why I always say to people read and post and work it through because it is possible to come through the wobbles. People will keep telling us how it can be done and one day we listen and before we know it we are doing it! And cruising down easy street.

“Only a quitter gets a quitter. Ask a non-smoker to give up alcohol for the rest of their lives & then they might understand” I’m so proud of how well I’ve done that I want to shout it from the rooftops - 1 month and counting! BUT, I’ve learnt this is a private battle and it should stay that way. I recently told a non-smoker friend how well I was doing, but they actually made me feel ashamed because they thought smoking was disgusting, the fact that I'd stopped was irrelelvant. I doubt it was intentional but it really took the wind out of me. I’ve realised this IS a personal battle and I should refrain from talking about it too much, or at least choose who I talk to more wisely… saying that I can’t wait to tell my dentist who nagged me to quit for years - appointment is in December so I will be 3 months smoke free if I keep it up! So when I need a pick me up I log on here and instantly I’m smiling! I can see someone’s reached a milestone, I read funny and inspiring blogs. It makes me feel good knowing we are in this together, all battling this in our own ways and each day IS a celebration - and that is a GOOD thing! So to all you fellow quitters - Thank You! You are doing an amazing thing and you keep me going too. Hugs and high fives you lovely lot x :-)

My kids finally came home today after 3 weeks with their mom and they have no idea Daddy doesn't smoke anymore. I want to see how ling it takes before they notice because I have all the time in the world. So things are almost back to normal with the exception that the normal no longer includes me smoking!!. I will just keep taking it hour by hour and day by day... reading the oath pledging one more day of NOPE each day and staying focused. The will figure it out eventually on their own! Thanks again to all for the support and the acceptance a little over a week ago when I joined before my quit date. Very grateful and still Humbled!

July 24, 2014 I put down that last nasty, awful cig and said to myself "No more!". I have been taking Chantix, and it is working. I had not planned to quit that day, but could not stand smoking for another day! Now here it is July 25th, and I'm smoke-free!I cannot possibly do this again so I just know this is going to be my final quit. I'm glad to have found this Quit Train forum :) Oh, and my coffee really tastes like coffee today :)

So last night was really fun! It was great to see my girlfriends. The group of us have been friends since high school. Some of them have older children and a couple of us were late bloomers and have young kids. We all used to smoke. Bunch of little rebels, or so we thought. Anyway, I did end up going to the smoking section outside with them and it was fine. I was OK. I thought about posting If I needed to as I had my phone on me. You guys were there with me and you didn't even know it! :D Also, I am the only one who doesn't drink anymore and so I was the designated driver and it was a blast! I didn't get home till 1:30 am and got to bed at about 3. My usual bedtime is between 9-10 at night. LOL! I was really tired today (I had taken the day off of work) so I didn't do much of anything. I noticed, however, that I was extra cranky today and had little patience. I hate feeling like that! My son was driving me nuts! I kept thinking about how less irritable I am when I am smoking. Really, I am. However, then I thought about what I've learned about, I wouldn't be feeling like this if I didn't smoke in the first place. It isn't the quitting that is causing it, it is the smoking that is causing it. Helped me place blame where blame is due. Then I went outside. Absolutely lovely weather. I also thought about how I really don't go outside and just sit and relax like I did when I was smoking. I did that and got fresh air and read on the board. I really need to do that more often. Just go outside and sit and relax. A thunderstorm rolled in and that was refreshing! I am grateful right now for my smobriety and all that I have learned so far and for all of the people sharing their stories and such. I thought my head was going to pop off earlier and now I feel so much better and I didn't smoke. How cool is that?! :)

babs609 Posted February 13, 2015 Quitting smoking is often referred to a roller coaster ride, and with good reason. While one minute you are feeling confident and strong that you finally "beat" that sucker. Thinking.."Yes! I'm doing it..I'm gonna make it"..only to be followed by feelings of doubt, fear, anger, frustration, sadness, lonliness..and these feelings can change within just moments. This is the part that would beat me down in prior attempts. I just was tired of the ups and downs. I think having the "ups" was actually a deterrent to my quit because it would set me up...when I would feel restless...it would piss me off because I thought I was done with all that. Please please please...keep in mind...these thoughts that just pop up out of nowhere are not YOU. Any thoughts that pop in our heads are not actually us. We aren't controlling them...we are just going about our business and them BAM! there's a thought. Now....you have a decision to make. If you are someone who normally runs with their thoughts...this could be trouble for you. You actually may believe these thoughts to be true without question. You give these thoughts power by believing they are true when in fact.....they are a complete lie all made up in your head. Being an ex-smoker in the early days or weeks of quitting without truly grasping the reality that your thoughts are not true...then you may be not only heading for relapse but are in danger of becoming a chronic relapser until you change your thought patterns. No matter what...don't believe you are a weak person. This kind of thinking re-enforces to your subconcious that other quitters are stronger and you are weaker and therefore....quitting is harder or even impossible for you. That's total BULL$HIT. That just gives the addiction more power. It's already powerful...more powerful than you. Otherwise..you would have quit long ago or maybe not even started. Although the addiction is stronger than you....it's not smarter. "Keep your friends close and your enemy's closer"....that saying couldn't be further from the truth when referring to the addiction. Learn all you can about the addiction. Don't just read....absorb it...live it...taste it....feel it...and most of all...believe it. Learn all the tricks it will try to play on you...learn what fellow quitters have done when faced with these challenges. Believe with your whole heart that you are no different than anyone else. You are not weaker than us...your addiction is not stronger than ours... Until you understand that...you will either struggle and continue this fight and give up quitting altogether until illness or death forces you to quit....OR..you will struggle and fight and relapse after relapse after relapse until you either finally absorb the teachings of fellow quitters...wasting months or years in the meantime and just making it harder for yourself than it really has to be. I wish this could be a post where a lightbulb goes off in your head and you say "aha! I got it!!! I finally got it" But that lightbulb moment is different for everyone and that's why I just ask everyone lurking and reading and contemplating quitting...to just keep coming back here...keep reading...keep reading...keep reading. Lots of posts and video's to help you "undo the brainwashing" that has been planted in your head from the years of being a smoker. It takes time......it takes patience..it takes re-enforcement... In short, it takes work...but it is sooooooo worth it. When you finally are ready...and you put down your final cigarette... Keep your arms and legs in at all times...put your buckle on...and enjoy the ride. You might as well because even though we enjoy when we feel good...it's the hard times that strengthens you. ONE DAY AT A TIME>>>ONE MOMENT AT A TIME Link to original post: https://www.quittrain.com/topic/4460-the-roller-coaster-ride/

MQ posted this in another post and I need to put it somewhere that I can pop in and see it easily. ****"It doesn't matter if you feel like you want a cigarette, have a craving or a shitty day, the choice is always there."***** It may seem obvious to some in fact is sounds obvious to me but to my addicted body... it isn't. Hehe. Silly body!! Not one puff ever. It doesn't matter how bad you (me) really want a cigarette. You don't smoke. Period. Period. Period! It. doesn't. matter. You. don't. smoke. (((Holski)))

My dad died of lung cancer in September of 2006. I took care of him. I watched the horrors of the disease take over his mind and body. He was diagnosed at the end of April and it took just 5 short months to take his life. And in those 5 months, we LIVED at the doctor's office, hospital, chemo office, radiation office, emergency room - you name it, we were always there. Hardly ever at home until it came time for hospice to step in. You'd think that would have been enough for me to put the cigarettes down, but no. At least I am doing it today, I figure. I think he would at least be proud of that. My doctor harped on me endlessly about quitting because of my family history - stating how much more likely I am to get cancer because my immediate family member passed from it. You'd think that would also be enough for me to quit, hearing that every single time I go to the doctor! Doctors are smart, they know you, they care. right? My dad has just been on my mind a lot more lately than usual (he always is, but more lately) The pic is of my daddy holding me right after I was born. It's my favorite picture of me & him, always has been. Look for more blogs from me - y'all are gonna get to know me lol.. I am a very open & honest person, maybe too much so. But it is what it is ...

I am feeling very proud that I've started the new year as a non-smoker. This is my longest quit ever and I look forward to the additional days, weeks, months and eventual years of success. Even though I get a craving now and then, I am able to hold strong in my determination to have Not One Puff Ever (NOPE). Thank you to Quit Train and all the other quitters who help me get off to a strong, successful quit. Happy, successful New Year to us all! Deanna

Well, there are days when I feel like a hamster running in the wheel, huffing and puffing (figuratively, not literally), but getting nowhere. Then there are days when the sun is shining, the colours are sharper, everyone I meet is smiling and everything is just right with the world. Then come the days of Grey. When it's neither dark nor light, the day is just there...like a blob of paint that falls on the floor. I know I've got enough grit to get through the craves, and wherever I fall, there are amazing people (on this forum) that pick me up...but sometimes I'm tired of the vicious circle. There is a term the French use: l'appel du vide (Call of the void). This inexplicable feeling of jumping off a cliff, when you are standing at the edge, the sudden urge to steer into oncoming traffic. There are times when without any reason, my brain envisages me with a cigarette in my hand...and that moment I feel like my hand has a mind of it's own. I literally have to yank it off that thought...right now was one such moment. The reason I say was is because typing this made that instinct go away. So I live to fight another day. Would I term today Tranquil, Tensile or Tormented? I'd say tranquil with a smattering of tensile.

I have several circles of friends. I divide them up. Maintain relations with each of them . We are all in varying stages of life, big kids, little kids, no kids, stress, remorse, and contentment. I never really thought about how I categorize(d) my friends. Perhaps it was mentioned in passing many years ago in between banter with the bartender. I see it -so much more clearly now that I observe my young child's social interactions. I observe through a microscope and telescope. Both are equally helpful. It is amazing how I can still be an outcast in social situations. The varying social situations I often find myself in. Nearly two years ago, I was the only smoker. So I thought. Secret smokers are everywhere! I always felt on edge, wanting to leave the discussion or party just to go home and smoke in the privacy of my own patio. Being a secret smoker sucked. I felt isolated. I have a new set of friends. I've kept the old. It is safe now for me to socialize with my old friends that still smoke. Safe because I am not a smoker. I stay inside and they spend more time outside. Again, I feel isolated. They are safe because I am not a cheater. I'm inside alone with their card hands face down on the table. I'm honest. I'm a non-smoking, non-cheating crappy card player.

I’m more than two weeks smokefree. Yay me! i just sat down to work email and wanted to, visualized it actually, reaching for my pack of cigarettes. Like a ghost or shadow it was. It caught me by surprise. Reminder: I have not given anything up by not smoking. This is just the many, many years of habit acting on my brain and physical being. The muscle memory. It will take time to rewire me so I have to be patient and not give any more thought space to smoking thoughts than the initial thought itself. There is nothing to miss about smoking. I was its slave. I am free without it. I can hike up the rough trail of the mountain, I can watch a whole movie, and I can ride in a car without the window open. I have more time to be the me I want to be because I’m no longer held back by smoking.

The internal war wages on. All the way home from work yesterday, I kept thinking it's been almost two weeks, and perhaps I've earned myself a cigarette as a reward. Just one. I was completely convinced that having successfully quit smoking for 5 years and now that I'm successfully doing it again - well, it should be a no-brainer for me. I've got this, and I totally deserve it. Thought about how great that cigarette was going to be all the way home... how I was just going to have one of my husband's cigarettes and then carry on with the quit as I've been doing. Certainly he'd give me one - he loves me. About half an hour after I got home, my husband showed up and found me on the back patio. After about two minutes of small talk, I asked him to give me one of his cigarettes. He told me no, and there was no way that HE was going to be THAT person that takes me back down to zero days. Then, he said he was going back in the house, and if I wanted to come in and steal one from him, that would be up to me, but he wasn't going to just give it to me. And he left me there, and there I sat questioning everything about this quit. I stood up several times considering walking in and taking that cigarette. I logged in to QT and went to the SOS board, thinking that there was seriously nothing anybody could possibly say to me that was going to make me NOT have my reward. I thought about how much I wanted to be a non-smoker. I thought about how much I wanted that cigarette. I thought about how hard it would be on me if I had to go through Hell Week again. I thought about how I'm mentally strong enough to have just one. I was so completely torn - I felt like a complete lunatic. Either I wanted the damn thing or I didn't. But, I could not make up my mind. So, I thought, you know, let's just post an SOS and see what's what. But, when I started reading about how to post an SOS, I found myself reading another member's SOS posting. That person was having all of the same conflicting thoughts that I was. And, I read some of the responses by other members. There was so much kindness, so much truth. Strangers going out of their way to help prevent another stranger from lighting up. Just for right now. And then I started crying. I wasn't sad, or angry, or anything like that. As I look back on that dark hour of mine, I believe the feeling was frustration. Frustration from having to deny myself what I "want" everyday. It's terribly draining to be so firm with yourself. The crying seemed to help. It relieved some of the pressure and some of the tension - enough for me to really listen to what these other members were telling the SOS poster. I don't have my head on right yet. I still think of it as denying myself a cigarette, when I should be thinking that I'm denying the addiction. I'm not losing anything. But, as much as I try to tell myself that, and as much as I want to believe it, I can't quite get my head wrapped around it. So, I went out to read up on addiction some more / again and reaffirmed my NOPE commitment, and watched some QT videos about smoking (again) and then... @Sslip must have noticed that I was "liking" posts on the SOS thread and then must have noticed that I was re-NOPEing, and took the time to check on me. Just to make sure I was OK. It took me almost half an hour to reply, because the gesture of reaching out to me during my struggle got me crying all over again. I realized that I was sitting there feeling sorry for myself. Feeling sorry that I couldn't have a cigarette. Ridiculous as that sounds, it's how I was feeling. And the fact that I was being ridiculous made me FEEL ridiculous. Eventually I responded that I was "struggling a little bit" (understatement of the century), took a few deep breaths, and thanked my husband for not letting me have one. (He admitted that the look in my eye was clear - I was going to smoke.) If it weren't for the old posts here and Sslip's thoughtfulness, I'd be back to Day 1 again today. Or Day 0 - who knows if I'd've actually only had the one. I owe today's continued quit to all of you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. If you're reading this, please pay it forward by posting your own threads. Posts, blogs, anything. It may not happen today or next month, but eventually, someone will read it at just the right moment.

I've faced a lot of stressful situations since the weekend. Tax day. Relationship stress. Work stress. I was not particularly graceful or dignified but overall not too bad. I snapped like a child, instead of talked. I cursed like a sailor. I paced like a mad person. What I didn't do was smoke. In fact, having a smoke wasn't even my first thought when I was hit with a wave of stress...until someone reminded me by saying, "Why don't you go and smoke?" Nice. Thanks for your support. Victory was mine though because (a) it wasn't my go to thought and (b) I didn't want to smoke and (c) I was able tell that person what I thought about saying that and forgive them. I am just keeping my eyes on the prize: what is good and best for me and that would be not smoking, which in turn empowers me to do and think other positive things for myself. Like the other day, when I felt like all i wanted to do was eat my way through the day, I took a step back, read about quitting/weight gain and watched a whyquit video, and the following day was able to make better decisions on what to eat and whether I was hungry or just feeling empty. Education and knowledge really are my best defense or better, reinforcement in the quit smoking process. Like an Army by my and on my side. I feel like I have more time now...which is a gift, I think. When I was feeling really work stressed yesterday, I purposefully made time for exercising (Day 2 of my fitness challenge complete). Something I would normally blow off because of too much work to do. Baby steps. And maybe "coping with stress" is not the right choice of words -- successfully managing stress in a healthier way is better.

So, I have found a new home that I feel very comfortable at. The Quittrain is such a kind and encouraging place. I look forward to making new friends, and am so glad to see recent friends from another place. It has been such a great struggle to get through these almost last three months without smoking a real cigarette. Most of the time I'm okay with no craves. But there are times that those craves become so great and strong, I want to rip my hair out and scream at the top of my lungs because I hate feeling them. I've been through a lot of anxiety and struggles over these months, and I'm really proud of myself for not giving in and going back to nastiness. I hope I can offer help and encouragement to all those seeking that help here at this forum. I love people and communicating, and if I have a word of wisdom or advice that can possibly make a difference in someone's life, then I feel I've done good.

For me, the best things about not smoking, becoming a non smoker, are the small things. I have never been driven by 'how bad' smoking is for your health, of course, clearly, smoking is terrible for your well being. Somehow, my brain had learned to navigate around that fact, because of the nicotine, the drug; It was dismissed - 'it won't happen to me' attitude. So finding a driving factor for my quit has never been clear cut, until one day I had a moment of clarity. The day I threw away smoking out of my life, the day before I found this wonderful website, I saw sense. I had been thinking about quitting for about a month, but as ever with a quit 'it was never the right time'. So I had been soul searching for a reason that I know would help me achieve the quit. Of course I had the normal reasons: financial, health and 'you ain't getting any younger!' And then after 25 years of smoking, it hit me, it was obvious. I realised that nicotine had control over me. I was in every sense a 'slave' to a drug. A junkie. My day would be structured around smoking. Did I have enough smokes. When I would smoke. Do I have enough smokes for tomorrow? All this would go through my head first thing in the morning, sometimes even before bed the night before. It seemed normal. To not have that constraint on my thoughts and movements really is an indescribable euphoria. It's finding inner freedom, shaking off a dependency that gave me nothing. All the things I thought I couldn't do if I stopped smoking, I can, and better: Socialise, be creative, and concentrate. Yes the first two weeks were a bastard nightmare, but, I would do it again in a blink of an eye if I knew it would get me to where I am now. Even after just a month, I feel brilliant. A million times better than I did after having a smoke. I still have a journey I know, however whenever I now get the urge to smoke, I visualise a prison cell in my head, and say to myself if I smoke again I will be walking back into that cell. It works, it works for me - I will never want to lose this feeling I have. So anybody thinking about stopping smoking, not only look at the health and financial aspects of smoking, but see it as taking back control of your life, take the helm back - it's yours.

I decided about two months ago I not only needed to quit smoking but I wanted to quit smoking. But I didn't. There were always reasons not to quit, a visit from a friend who smokes, a party, a stressful situation. I even put it off because I didn't want to inflict my bad mood on my family. But today I was out of excuses. I have just an hour under my belt but with the help of fellow non smokers (here) and my nicotine patch I think maybe this time I can do it. I have so many confusing feelings going on. How can I be so ready and so full of dread at the same time? I'm excited to finally be free of this horrible habit. I'm ready to stop wheezing at night, getting winded just going up the stairs, and I won't lie, I'm ready to be free of the financial obligation because that's what it feels like, an obligation. I live with my mom who also smokes and has told me for years she can't or won't quit until I do. Lately she's been coughing deeply and it's worried me every time I hear her in the other room "coughing up a lung". She's a puzzle though. For some reason, she can go for days at a time without a second thought to having a cigarette. I get jealous of her ability to quit so easily. I think, "If only I could do that then I wouldn't have to quit altogether!" But from my very first cigarette at age 14, I've been hopelessly hooked. Why did I ever start? To be cool? People talk about regrets in life and while there are plenty of little things I could regret, they're just that, little things. I've said it before, my biggest regret in life was the day I lit my first cigarette. But then I think of how free I'll feel if I can just stick with it this time. I won't be wondering when I can sneak in my next cigarette wherever I go. I can just imagine a long layover and not be frantically searching the airport for a smoking lounge! I won't have to deal with all the disapproving glares I get from people when I'm smoking in public. I won't have to make sure I have enough smokes to get me through to the next day. Plus, I won't stink! So yeah, I have just over 1 hour but I'm determined to make this work and with your help and support, hopefully it won't be the nightmare I worry it might be. My pack is empty, my stockpile of popcorn is huge, and I think I've got the determination to see it though this time.

Source: The Gradual Return of Cute Lungs

I am having surgery early next year and part of this process is needing clearance from a pulmonologist. I finally had my appointment today. My chest X-rays looked great! (almost 3 packs a day... lungs look good? *wipes brow*) I did great on the breathing test! He was actually surprised to hear that I was ever a smoker. :D Woo hoo! I have sleep apnea (boooooo) This is a good and a bad thing. Bad because it is sleep apnea but good because it is one more justification toward getting the surgery. :D I go for sleep study in mid November. I am not looking forward to that because I probably won't sleep.

Source: Daily exercise log for everyone :)

So day 6 has arrived... Cant believe a week has nearly passed. I am a non smoker and i LOVE it!! Am also loving the fact that im not craving food as a substitute! I do feel slightly more agitated/restless, but im puttin that to good use with housework etc may the force be with me lol ;-) Happy NOPE day guys x

Not my style, not my way but I think I just done wallowed the last two weeks of my life away? Sad, unhappy, over thinking, questioning myself, my life, my parenting - but not my quit. I love that bit by the way, even when life feels like it utterly sucks balls for no apparent reason my quit is still in the "oh yeah, doin it" section. August was the most abhorent, scary emotional month I have seen in some time. I am utterly jaded but re grouping. I am brutalized I was too unwell to complete my healing module in the legitamate "insurance" world. FFS, I have been using my skills since before I knew what the skills were!! - and I can't practice in the real world due to insurance?! Why has my path gotta put so many road blocks in the way to make me always think I'm missing something I need to know. Meh, sucky stupid timings. So, phew. Ok, it's time to put my childish thoughts behind me. It's my birth month :) The time where I reset my year, my year by the way, i get the january the 1st thing but I think at your birthday, you should do a life review and set in motion your plans for your next year. SO .... By this time next year I want to have clients, who I can lay my (non smoking YEY) hands on and help. I need to start working on a "proper job" skill set and I still have no clue, but 7 days left. So if now, when my baby girl starts full time school (mortified). And my Mum is still utterly scared but possibly closet smoking again (div). And the world feels like it is testing me - if now - my quit is in safe hands.... then I'm going to assume that even though I have an occasional thought to smoke that I'm all good and not worry anymore. I love that I can pay it forward though, that's so fab! 11 days until 6 months quit!! Multiple quits inspired by mine!! New friends!! I don't know why I spent a month uneasy?? It's as great as it always was :) A blocked path is not a roadblock, it's an opportunity to know more. Stay focused. Quitting is a journey, not an event. Eternal vigilance. Addiction. All true, but look at the strength that surrounds this site, these people. This is a great time to be here and it feels amazing to pay it forward. I think I will be happy about it for a while. PS, I may have had a wine, thus promtping such happiness lol, but still, it's pretty cool being a small part of this place that saves people and heals them :) x

Another quitter today has raised the "drop off rates". Wow they are pretty high!! Now there is a person on the board with my time, but only one. This time is a bit strange to be honest. 4 months was lovely, no craves, all peace. 5 months is reminding me, hey you used to smoke...hey you, you smoked you know....hey hey, can you hear me and so it goes. Now of course it's good, it's me. I have traced back and found the triggers and will work on them and my quit is safe. So where's me mates at?? Well, they keep dropping like flies. Me, I'm still sure no matter what I may think or feel periodically I am absolutely a non smoker! But why, why am I ok and others are not? Was it my weirdo approach? Or guys like Jonny5 who was not everyone's cup of tea but reinforced my quit like a boss. Or my quit buddy who regularly assures me when I go bat shizzle that all is well and I should not be a donut? .... I think it's me! I think "I got it" fairly early days. It does not solve a damn thing, it never did. I remember there being a point, I was brutally upset about something or other and I thought I would smoke for a fleeting second...closely followed by what's the point, it doesn't help! In THAT moment I accepted I was going to have to relearn how to cope and I grieved for what was but now wasn't. When my Mum was rushed to hospital, diagnosed with heart failure, on top of copd and she was discharging herself (as we do) and putting it all on me.... I was terrified, my craves went through the roof, for days.. I literally "chose" to hold on and wait to see what happened. I never said but I paced for nights on end, listening that all was well and breathing was happening. It only took my buddy saying got your back and Aine saying, of course you would consider smoking to bring me back down long enough that I could hold on. It absolutely did not diminish the triggers/craves but I knew that my choices for coping were real limited and I had to find another way. Two days ago was a virgo (my sign), new moon which for me, signifies new beginnings. I asked for strength for a friend here, who is looking for a new career path and strength for me to follow my dreams again and reinforce my lifestyle which is about being healthier and that certainly includes not smoking. This saturday I formalise my reiki training and I can finally insure to practice properly, let loose on the general public and charge, when I'm ready. Something else I posted that really stuck with me is I did not want to touch another person reeking of stale smoke. How could I put my hands up to another person who may be a non smoker and stink? Ultimately I want to teach I think. Teach how to plant by moon signs or how to heal via reiki and angels and how to intuit tarot along with the standard lines. I just want to share what I have learnt. It might sound odd to some but to me it's how I have lived knowingly and unknowingly. I cannot unlearn what I know, I will not unlearn my non smoking traits...for me it's all part of the path. That said, I wish my path would bring some of that beautiful peace back because this bit, well it's a bit tough. I'm up to it of course but it would be nicer to have some easy peasy. But still, if I had that, how would I be any use to the people who suffer with a quit...5 quits inspired by my 1 now. I will prove by sheer strength of will that you can have a tough times in your quit and still succeed :) It might make no sense to anyone else but I will do what I have always done and lead by example.

OK, so I am moving this week. On Friday 8/1 and Saturday 8/2 to be more specific. I still have packing to do and my little one is acting out. He isn't taking this move as well as the last. I'm sure because he is older, etc. etc. etc. Trying to keep my cool. I want to be able to look back at this and laugh, just like I do at previous adventures. However, I am pretty stressed. Deep breaths alot and more than the usual amount of cupcakes. It will be nice to be settled again so putting 1 foot in front of the other. Also, just keep swimming comes to mind. :) Just keep swimming...just keep swimming...... Back to work now. :wacko: :)

Renewed my effort to quit following more thoughtful watching of Allen Carr's video and mindfulness moments while I smoked. It is day five. Days one and two dragged, with many strong cravings. Days three through five passed by without too much trouble from cravings until late afternoon and this evening. I resorted to using a 14 mg patch -- I want to see how much of this is psychological for me and how much is physical craving. I'd say it is psychological, far and above physical. Today cravings were intense and I breathed and just sat mindfully through them. Perhaps four times I told myself that I was going to cave, so just go to the store and get it over with. I reminded myself of how nasty the cigarette would taste after nearly a week of not having one to blunt my taste buds. I reminded myself of the tangible harm I notice that is done -- irreparable, I think, though I am hoping for a little bit of healing. Day five is closing, I am going to sleep. I think tomorrow will be better than today because I have the practice of having worked through some strong urges to go and buy cigarettes. It's pouring rain right now (typical Seattle weather), and I like falling asleep to the sound of rain. Not ready to join the NOPE pledge yet. I want more time, more days, of being quit first. I have a lot of failures in my past and don't want to let myself down again. I feel hopeful, but I have been hopeful before. For now, I am just grateful to have succeeded for five days.

Darling, Darling, Nicotine Free Creatures ! You may remember, back in January... I stopped posting after falling backwards off my stoop, waking in hospital stitched and concussed. All has been well for a while now (I won't be needing any more head wounds, fgs) although, it did take longer to recover than expected, reading was especially tricky. "...old age is no place for sissies" (B. Davis) However, here we are together again and I am delighted... ney, jubilant, to announce a fete. Hurry ! Hurry ! It's time for a Soiree, a Fais Do Do ! Put on your glad rags and dancing shoes, the Band is about to blow us away. Somebody uncork those lovely French bottles of bubbly delish. Please, won't you join me in celebrating T W O Y E A R S of F R E E D O M ! (the crowd, whipped into a frenzy, yowl and cheer like lunatics ! ) Never, ever thought I would quit but, did so on a whim and still holding tight. It feels like a done deal but, I dare not court complacency and Remain Ever Vigilant . Addiction doesn't disappear...we have it forever and never know when it will rear it's ugly head. We only have Power over it and Choice. I cannot imagine re-introducing myself to the Slavery of Nicotine, I know too much now. For sure, understanding that 'one's too many and a hundred ain't enough' helps to keep me gloriously Free and the freedom really is Glorious, innit. In the early days, along with NOPE, I chanted, 'free your head, Free Your Head, FREE YOUR HEAD !' (often in saucier language). I still do. That was/is the biggest hurdle... switching up the patterns, re-wiring my brain. Exciting work.....Change. As the wise ones say, 'It is a Journey'. It isn't much about Nicotine anymore but, the lessons learned are invaluable and applicable to a myriad of situations in my life. I was thinking the other day about The Stockholm Syndrome (where empathy is felt by captives toward captors), reminiscent of nicotine addiction, eh ? Your cheroot was your bestest friend. Our constant companion, Nicotine. I don't miss that Bastard. That Liar, that stinking Thief ! I sure used to miss it. Missed it every damn 20 minutes of my smoking life. Why, we were inseparable for 45 years ! Nowadays, romantic notions about smoking are easily quelled by my Free-er mind but, lemme tell you, without the stash of information provided by QTrain, my denial over addiction would have stayed perfectly intact and without Each and Every One of You, sharing experience and support, I would have failed to keep my quit. Of this, I have no doubt. Y'all are often in my thoughts, I am So proud of everyone gaining their own Freedom and sincerely appreciative of all the good work here. Thank You, one and all. I Thank you So much. Love, S

:)

I have literally not sat down today, my son has decided to move in with his girlfriend....she lost her mum when she was 16 and kind of lost her way in the world, to cut a long story short her flat was a disgrace, hadn't been cleaned for years, rubbish piled up, dirty clothes you get the picture. Lovely sweet girl, last 3 weekends I have been down, cleaning, scrubbing, brushing, dusting, doing piles of laundry, Basically showing her what needs to be done. I am exhausted, they both smoke very heavily, came home and I stank to high heaven, I didn't want nor feel the need to have a cigarette, after bleaching skirting boards and doors that are heavily stained nicotine brown well it makes me shudder. My son only works 16 hours a week, and his girlfriend doesn't work at all claims income support, they are living off of £100 per week....sometimes I could just weep. Two lovely young people trying to get on in life. I sneak in bags of food to them and wave off the "how much did that cost mum" sometimes a hug is just enough. Sometimes I look at my son and glimpse the little boy he once was and my heart bursts with love. Sometimes I see the man he has become all the problems he overcame with dignity and strength and I feel so proud. Sometimes I want to shout from the top of the roof that's my son and I love him with all my heart. Sometimes.........