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** WARNING ** - I am about to talk about the death of friends and loved ones so if this is a sensitive issue for you please don't read. I was Quit 26 days... and struggling with the quit, that third week had been hell on earth. It felt like every other minute I was fighting the urge to light up. There were two voices in my head Notsmokin Jo (NSJ) who does not smoke and Smokin' Jo (SJ) who does and boy was that Smokin' Jo loud and persistent about being heard and fed her addiction... and then at 10.30pm on day 26 my phone rang... and I dropped everything and went to my friends place... her husband had gone for a drive with his brother 3 hours early and not come home.... the internet was full of news of a horrific accident in our area..... the footage looked like it might be the car.... so while we went to the police station and my daughter stayed with her besty and her grandparents and we went to the cop shop.... the whole time SJ is in my head... "OMG this is serious shit, you can't do this you need a smoke. Like now. If you smoke you will be able to focus on what you need to do... you are such a selfish friend, how can you help if your don't have a smoke to calm the f down... enough of this quit bullshit, you need to get your act together and have a smoke then sort this stuff... you can't help if you don't smoke" ...on and on it droned along the same theme... I heard it as I sat on the floor of the cop shop cradling my friend who had collapsed.... I heard it as I drove her home.... I heard it as we sat at the table and she chain smoked and we watched my daughter hold her daughter in her arms and rock themselves to sleep... I heard it as we realised her lovely, smiley, beautiful husband was not going to come through the door any minute and laugh at us for being so silly.... I heard it as I pried his half melted keys from her hand... and as I washed and dressed her hand where the jagged edges had dug in because she was squeezing them so tight... and as I waited for the girls to fall asleep and then put out her kids chrissy presents because she couldn't go into her bedroom.... as I drove home and got my kid's pressies from Santa and put them out at her house.... as I watched her four year old ask again and again when daddy was coming home... as I watched her throw her laptop across the room so she did have to read the filth and vitriol of internet heroes trashing her dead husbands name..... as I said goodbye and drove my daughter to her dads, then my dads, then back to her dad's..... as I missed my family christmas to drive to the airport to get her mum... and drove home with her mum chain smoking in the car re-living the night before the whole time.... holding my baby while she wailed at life being unfair and how could this happen and why her friends and then after she ignored me and looked it up on the internet why people were saying horrible things about him and then the day she really broke, the day someone told her he was still alive and banging on the window as the car burnt and she had watched the footage on the internet of the car burning....and the months of nightmares..... SJ begged and pleaded and wheedled... "go on have one, just one, you know you want it, you need it".... and every time I fought the urge because that was the only thing I could control.... then on the morning of my one month anniversary the phone rings.... my uncle overseas, the oldest, has fallen and hit his head and is a coma.... so I had to watch my dad contemplate the first of his siblings to die since he was an adult... and know he couldn't for health reasons fly over.... every phone call... he is getting better.... he is worse..... come now.... every call that awful, whiny voice was begging me to smoke... but I held out... one New Years Day when the phone rang and he was gone.... watching my dad shut down... watching his other siblings who couldn't go fall apart or turn into agro nutcases.... it was just too much... but I fought the urge... and I kept my quit. It was hard, it was a battle, and truthfully it was a close call. These were real craves, not just passing thoughts... these involved sweat and determination to beat.... because my brain had been programmed that when the shit hits the fan you have a smoke (or 3) and then deal.... but I had none... I sat surrounded by smokers and did not have one... I did not increase the number of NRT I was having... if anything I decreased it.... but it was hard and for 3 weeks it felt constant. But I was not going to cave because it was the one thing in a time of chaos I had control over. I think the whole second month of my quit was one big, long, agonising crave... constantly, all day, go on, go on, go on, go on, every waking moment and if you were around the first 5 months of my quit you knew there was a hell of a lot of waking moments... on average there were 20 of those in a day..... but I fought every single one of them and I don't even really know why.... wait yes I do... it was the only thing I could control. Then yesterday morning I get a phone call... and I just knew it was bad.... so my little cousin (35) had died of an overdose. I don't know yet if it was deliberate or accidental. But he didn't deserve to go out that way.... no one does... well maybe the real scum of the earth... but he gave back, he cared for his mum... drove over 3 hours each way every couple of days to check up on her or have dinner with her or make sure she was doing ok... he spent his weekends with her most of the time... he had been clean for years.... it just doesn't make sense.... but what did I do... I went about doing a load of washing and going to softball and cooking tea and chatting on here and doing a painting and going to sleep and going to a party and then I left the party and headed home and I lost it... bawled like a baby all the way home from the farm, I dunno how I even saw to drive my eyes were so red and swollen when I got home.... and the whole time my baby sat next to me and didn't know what to do.... she said the silent tears were the worst... but do you want to know what I didn't do? I did not fight a crave.... not one..... not once did I even get an inclining to have a smoke... not one smoking related thought at all.... HOW COULD THIS BE???????... earlier in the year I had faced a constant barrage.... like bullets from a machine gun those craves pummeled me... sure it was much earlier in my quit.... but nothing, not one single thought, whisper, suggestion for anything smoking or nicotine related. You see those of us who have been on the quit train for a while tell you rewards are important its all about re-wiring your brain and the nicotine receptors.... teaching your brain that smoking isn't how we reward ourselves or celebrate... in the same regards the reason the first year is so important is because we have to experience so many firsts without nicotine... season changes, holidays, stresses..... and we have to rewire our brains, rewire the triggers.... so why was there nothing this time.... its because the silver lining of the horror I ended and started this year with rewired every single receptor in my brain and trigger to do with dealing with death... all of them... so this time when the idea and concept of smoking and a nicotine fix didn't even exists... and so the silver lining of this horror is that I know how strong my quit is... I know I can face death and loss and not have to worry about facing my addiction at the same time because those receptors have all be erased and rewired to something else... a new inner strength, maybe? .... but I don't really care what it is because this is the final proof I needed that this time, this quit, this is the forever, sticky quit and while I'm only 11 months free.... I feel way beyond... whole, major sections of my brain don't even recognize nicotine's existence.... sure I'd rather still have my friend, and my uncle, and my cousin.... would probably even trade my quit for them to be here.... but giving up my quit wasn't going to bring them back or help me cope.... silver linings people... they are in any and every situation... mine in this instance are purely selfish.... but I would rather think that its the last gift these three amazing men gave me in their lifetimes... and I will treasure it always. So newbies, and lurkers.... and the in-betweenies.... sometimes the re-wiring hurts, it cuts a deep raw wound straight through the center of your being... but those nicotine receptors do get rewired... so its up to you... are you going to do the work to re-wire... it starts with the rewards... oh yay I went an hour without a smoke... I'm going to eat this lovely strawberry / candy / celery stick.... whatever... but do something... every hour.... every two hours...every 12.... every day.....every week.... every milestone you pass.... because regardless of what shit life throws at you there is a nicotine receptor in your brain waiting to exploit it.... and you need to take the control back and re-wire those. Because it can be done.... it is done.... every day by the members here who travel this train.... get rid of the smokes and the vapes and start re-wiring.... you have the power within you to totally change your life and your brain... how fricking amazing is that!

SUNDAY NOPE FOR ME TEAM QUIT/T!

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This April ..I lost my life long companion.... The best friend anyone could ever wish for.... We are together every day....for 62 or more years.... I am numb....I still expect her to walk through my door ... She died of a smoking related illness.... It hurts to know I can help people here quit ...but not my best friend.... She still believed cigerettes offered her something... It took cancer 12 weeks to do its worse.... I never once considered a cigarette.... I have heard ,learned..seen ..that smoking would not change a dam thing.....

You iron?! AND tidy up?! Will you marry me?

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I haven't been around that much but I was here yesterday and was glad to see all of the long quits. I haven't written in a few years but would like to post a few thoughts about the quit process. Looking at the new and young quits, and the never-ending fight to gain a foothold on the sticky quit, I just wanted to let the newer quits I see on the QT know, that you'll get there too, by sticking to your plan and what you will learn as you stay quit. This is only a mind game, where your self control is being tested constantly. It wears on you as you overcome the triggering of craves through attrition, trying to process them simply as your mind/body healing itself naturally through recognition and reaction. That someting so elementary is so taxing is hard to understand sometimes. It really requires no action other than acknowledgement of the particular craving and the processing of it. Repetition is the key. The first triggers and craves that you will defeat are the ones you encounter the most. The most infrequent ones are the last to fall, and they do, through repetition. If you will just keep doing your normal daily and nightly activities sans the nicotine delivery, eventually you'll roll over the addiction and leave it behind. Sounds overly simplistic reading this but remember that you will trigger and crave and try to understand what caused it. Don't be alarmed and dont make a hasty judgement, because sometimes you can't put your finger on the particular cause to your effect. Could be romancing the cigarette subconsciously and missing that old smoky life, since things have changed and you don't know who you are sometimes. I mean you were this... smoker... and now maybe scared and are wanting to go back to what you see as normal. That is when you get tough and remember that you control your own mind and heart and that you call the shots. It's okay to feel weak, but know that you didn't get this way in a few days so it will take a few months of honest work to get out of the hole. You will make it, even if you feel like you won't. This will not kill you but it will make you unbelievably strong if you'll just stick to your quit plan and your back up plan, and allow yourself some time to heal. So be militant anti smoking, and remember that you are in a fight and that you are unwinding your whole being from the addiction so walk like it and act like it. Once smoking and cigarettes were every part of you, and now...well now they are not. That hurts and that is painful, but it is the work you have to do, so let the process work. Pay it forward, and stay as strong as you can as you use what you have learned. And if you fall, it isn't the end. You start again. A dream becomes a wish, and that wish becomes your reality as you work the quit. Time is on your side now, so dont give that addiction any more of you. You're in control of your mind and body and you've taken the chains off. Don't put them back on. KTQ,

"What if someone dies?" As my addicted mind went into overdrive in the days before I quit, I asked myself that question. My thinking at the time was, there are certain life events in which it is totally impossible to even consider not smoking. The death of someone close to me was the big one, the clause that would give me full permission to continue feeding my addiction, but there were others. Then I had to face reality. In 2007 I watched my beloved grandfather die after a long battle with cancer. In 2012, I lost my brother-in-law in a tragic accident. During both of those times in my life I smoked one right after another. All those cigarettes. All that nicotine...didn't change a damn thing. Someone I loved was gone. The people in my life that mean the most to me were all hurting. My heart was broken. The cigarette offers us nothing. Whether it's just another day or the worst day of your life, there is no comfort to be found in a pack of cigarettes.

Another thing I used in my first months was my JAC (Jillars air cigarette). I just pretended I was holding a cigarette and then went through the motions of "smoking" it. I took deep drags too, which is really just deep breathing, but it was enough to trick my mind into thinking it was getting the real thing. Some people use pens or pencils or even cut straws. I liked my invisible one though because I like to look stupid puffing on an invisible cigarette lol.

Nope!

A Big Fat Dollop Of NOPE !!!!

NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMAZING!!! I don't know what it is but the past couple of days I've felt great. The craves have not been super intense and I have not been as irritable as I was the first couple of weeks. I've been really on my toes with this quit, like on edge 24/7.... always in a state of mind trying to tell myself not to smoke, not to give in. But the past couple of days I haven't felt on edge or like I could lose my quit at any moment. I feel good about my quit. And I keep reminding myself about the honey moon phase, and to not get too comfortable... but man am I enjoying this all natural high I'm feeling at the moment.

^^ That!!!!!!!!!

So good you reached out, glad to hear it helped a bit. Each time you get through moments like this, you are solidifying your quit I read 'feeling sorry for myself'. I think we have all been there... but do know that, as hard as it may seem at times, you always have a choice to make this as comfortable as possible for yourself! What would that be for you, any idea? Take care and again, kudos for reaching out.

I spent a lot of time sitting on the floor of the shower in the dark until the hot water would run out... oh and if you go for Jillar's JAC and use a biro be warned if you drag too hard on the the ink will fill your mouth.

On rhino, good on you for posting. Just hang in there because it will pass, I promise! This first month can be brutal so what I did was keep myself busy by posting, reading, socializing and celebrating with members. Have you tried playing games to distract your mind off the misery?

Nothing else to say... Sometimes I can't be grateful enough that the universe has all of here at the same time.

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A beautiful honest post... I am sorry to learn your life was full of sadness at the beginning of your quit.. You are a remarkable strong lady....it shows us ,just how much you were determined to kick this horrible addiction... Your a inspiration.... Thank you for sharing this with the board... Hoping it will give lurkers , just the help they needed...to take a seat...xxxx

Firstly well done for reaching out ....it means you really don't want to smoke ,but your junkie brain is tapping away..... They don't call it hell week for nothing... Your body is going through some massive changes... It's been used to being fed a shit load of chemicals every day... You have had some great advice.... The only way is push forward...all is temporary.... Stay close here...post away...there are a million things you can do ...just don't smoke.... Come here ranting...we have heard it all...get it out ....

The comments you have above are great Rhino! This is very common and I know myself, I was pretty much a shut-in the first while after I quit. It's bloody tough as hell at times and exhausting and yes, not in a good mood at all because of the changes going on but - that doesn't last forever and it's part of the dues we must pay to be free again. Grit your teeth and push through Rhino. We have all been there and made it through. You can too. Stay close to us here on the board because you will get inspiration from these fine folk. That's invaluable in the first part of your quit

You have to just push thru... Your brain is sad...you're not giving it it's "feel good" drugs. Nicotine has changed the chemistry of your brain; every time you smoked it would give you a dopamine dump (that ahhhh feeling) and also a spike in blood sugar and heart rate that could be confused with extra energy. That's why we recommend snacking and fruit juice to give you that sugar dump and also rewards for the dopamine. Chocolate is a great replacement in the beginning quit because it hits alot of the same receptors. Distractions are good but education about nicotine addiction will help you understand WHY you feel the way you do. This helps fight the smoking thoughts with reason not just emotions.

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#NOPE

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Gday NOPE it's never boring C

At the minute im just so sad, cannot be arsed to do anything at all, motivation has totally gone and im just so emotional! Sure its the demons leavin but its bloody tough!!!! Got in bed and even thats an effort but it is the only way i can see myself getting through this episode. Please my team send me suggestions . . . Sooner rather than later. Thanking you all in advance Rhino ?

@DoreensfreeI love you lady?

A'm lying here with a face mask on .. it's the first time a'v used this type like a baby wipe with holes .. man it's mahoosive.. or maybe a'v just got a tiny wee face..?

Hello Rhino. Great work posting ? I've got a feeling you are going to do well. I used NRT early in my quit. Omg it helped so much. Patches and lozenges. Some might think that would be a bit of a backwards step, using nrt if you aren't already. My brain thinks like though, do whatever you goto do to not smoke! You are uk, right? I also got the weekly support from the pharmacy. That can he helpful checking in with someone, in person, weekly. If it's any consolation I'm back in bed also, Sundays should be chilled days ?

Yes! When you post on the SOS board it's an "all hands on deck" situation. So anytime you need us, please wait for at least 3 responses...and surely your "craving" will subside by then.

So so D, thanks for asking. Im jumping between ironing, tidying up, coming on here, feeling sorry for myself and so on. The support is absolutely brilliant!!! Rhino

Rhino, I was tired most of the time but had a very difficult time with depression. If you can't seem to get out of the fog, you might discuss it with you physician. That first month is a tough one but you can do it. We are so glad you are reaching out to us.

YouTube has some relaxing sleep music to chill out to. One I used to listen to was literally logs crackling on a log fire, sounds weird but it really helped me drift off to sleep. Rainforest sounds also make you feel very peaceful. lots to read from Joel Spitzer, and of course come on here as much as you can, you will find it really helps you.

Gday NOPE starts thes day C

Aw I remember this feeling too, soooo tired. I coped by going to bed as much as I could, and lay in bed watching DVD,s that made me feel happy, ie Disney for me. it will get better, do whatever it takes to make you relax and feel better, eat your fave food, whilst watching a great film...even better .

Aawww Rhino, hang in there.. it does get better I promise.. I was the exact same in my early quit.. hardly had the energy to drag my carcass out of bed but I did and I pushed on forward and stuck to my quit group like glue.. it did get better all part of the healing process... and yeah please do come over and join us on the games.. it's a good distraction.. and loads of fun to be had..?

Its easing a tiny bit J. Ill try the games ?

Nope. Smoking is not an option.

This is EXACTLY why I try to check in on everyone!! I don't want to be nosy and annoying (well...maybe.?) but it's because I care and I don't want someone to fall back into junkie thinking that cigarettes are their only friend. You have friends here, come here when times get tough. Your wins are our wins, your loss is hard on us, too...because we truly care about everyone on this train.

Until it becomes annoying Weegie.. ????