On 3/27/2018 at 11:52 PM, notsmokinjo said:

@jillar that's cos you're awesome like me.

 

 

Jo - just how petty is the school? I mean jeeze do they REALLY think someone would be calling someone "drug dealer" where others can hear? Like on a populated school bus? Plus it sounds like the other students are a bunch of little rat finks. Like they RAN to the principal's office just wetting themselves to tattle on your daughter.

 

When the SW said something about a show being inappropriate, it would have been hilarious if you said, "Yeah but she is kind of bored with the Human Centipede movies".

 

That is one thing about any household, the members tend to speak their own language among themselves.

 

If your daughter wanted to have some REAL fun, she could get on her phone and say, "Yes, he is dead, I murdered him myself" then when that needle-dick social worker craps his panties, just inform him that it was a spider she killed.

Maybe also she could say on the phone, "I am planning on drinking a bottle of acid during school" then when everyone freaks, she could pull out a bottle of soda (Lord knows that stuff is nothing but acid)

Just keep making these sinister references about everyday minor stuff.

 

I have a kid myself and yes, the school system can be rather trying. The people working there are just not human. They are batshit crazy.

 

The post was funny in a way yes but honestly it kind of pissed me off to hear about the rats and the delusional social worker. The social worker needs to go dance around on a busy highway.

Edited April 2, 20188 yr by Jetblack

Q. If April flowers bring May flowers what do May flowers bring?

 

A. Pilgrims silly!

Its Story Time with Aunty Jo....that's right its time to put my hand into the bag of mystery that is my family history and pull out a funny story to share.....*imagine the drum roll*.... Voila .... Its the story of Rex, Damo and the vicious dogs.....

So the back ground... My little brother was 15 and in year 10 (3rd last year of highschool so wot ever you call it) and it was time for him to do work experience. Not sure if you have this where you are but its 2 weeks where you go off to work in 1-2 fields your considering for the hefty wage of $5 a day...you can organise your own or go in the school raffle and take what you get. Or you can be like my liitle bro and cop the punishment placement. See where we live there's a race course, work experience as a groundsman there starts at 5am and knocks off at 4pm...unless there us a race meet while ya on work experience and then ya stuck there longer. Noone wants the race course for work experience. So a few weeks before allocations the little bro, Rex and his mate Damo (day-mo... Short for damien) get sprung running a book...and to punish the 2 underage bookies they get Racecourse Work Experience... Little bitta extra background... So the usual hijinks prevail with damo  the molly dooker  (lefty) getting sent to the stare for a left handed screw driver... Anyway, part if the track is fenced in so the local dig trainers can use it and the boys (who while smart enough to run books aren't smart enough not to get caught) are told that every day they need to go into the dogs area a pick up all the rubbish. To do this they are given the keys. So they both a bit on the lazy side and the first day they accidently leave the gate unlocked, two dogs get out during training and the boys sit in the grand stand laughing the butts off until the dogs are caught while everyone chases them all over the racecourse. Each day they did this.. Until one morning the dogs weren't locked in their cages so when the boys came into the run area dogs came out to play. Now as kids we weren't allowed to have pets so besides at races the only greyhounds my bro had seen had muzzle cages so he assumed they were a vicious breed... There he wad trapped in a giant cage with 4 'vicious' dogs... The dogs, who were little more than pups saw 2 teenage boys and wanted to play so came running up to them. My oh so brave bro turned tale and bolted, damo was hot on his tail and all four dogs were in persuit thinking this was the best game ever... For over an hour they ran around the race course, over fences through the grandstand while the Dag's ran circles around them...they ended up on top of a shed via a wheely bin.... By the time they were rescued the grounds keepers and dog owners had all had a good cuppa and laugh... The head grounds keep ricks up to there shed and says " Right you little fvckers, are ya gunna leave the gate unlocked again?".... After promising no they were allowed down.

Wait a minute while i prepare myself to read that comment:

 

Parenting Gold... 

You know your child spends too much time around musos when the following conversation happens:

Ms6: Muuuh-aaarm, what are you doing?

Me: Putting the lawnmower together. (Assembling the new push lawn mower)

Ms6: Muuuh-aaarm, that's not a lawn mower, where's the motor?

Me: This lawn mower doesn't need a motor.

Ms6: Oh, is it an acoustic lawnmower?

 

Let me see if I can invoke the smell spirit of Bakon....

 

Semper Fi

After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. 

He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a nurse hovering over him, looking very worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word -- "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your breasts, then?"

And that, my friends, is a Marine with a real positive attitude.

***WARNING:  Potentially Offensive Content Below... Protect your sensitive feelings now by skipping this joke or, please, forever hold your peace***

 

A priest was fishing in the old country when he caught a really big fish. He hauled it up on the bank and this guy walked up and looked at it. He looked over at the priest and said, "Wow, that's a big son of a bitch!" The priest looked over and said, My son, I'm a man of the cloth. You shouldn't talk like that." The guy looks at him and says, "That's what we call those fish in this part of the country." The priest was like, oh, okay.

So, the priest takes the fish back to where he lives and a nun walks up and says, "Wow, did you catch that on your fishing trip?" The priest proudly holds the fish up and says, "Yes, I caught this son of a bitch!" The nun looks at him and says, "Father!" The priest says, "That's what they call these fish where I caught it!" The nun says, "Would you like for me to clean that son of a bitch for you?" The priest says, "That will be fine." So the nun is carrying it to clean when another nun walks up and ask where she got it. The nun carrying the fish replies,"The father caught this son of a bitch!" The nun that asked says, "Sister!" The nun carrying the fish says, "That's what the father said they're called!" The other nun says, "I'll bake that son of a bitch after you clean it then!"

Well, low and behold the pope shows up for dinner. Everyone finishes dinner and the pope is sitting there and he looks around, leans back and says, "That was a fine meal you cooked for the Pontiff." Well the priest didn't want to be outdone and he jumps up and exclaims, "I caught that son of a bitch!" The nun that cleaned it jumps up and says, "I cleaned that son of a bitch!" Well the other nun didn't want to be left out and she jumps up and says, "And I baked that son of a bitch!" Upon hearing this the pope looks around and says with a loud voice, "You know what? You motherfuckers are alright!"

here's something funny.... I'm gunna be on the netball rebound netball court at 8pm (so in 40 mins) for a game of mixed netball having not played in nearly 3 years.... hahahaha... oh I really need to mast er the word NO as well as I have Nope.

So there's this inflatable boy, and he goes to an inflatable school, all the kids are inflatable, all the teachers are inflatable, all the buildings and desks and chairs are inflatable too. So one day the boy goes to school with a pin. He gets in trouble off the principal (Head master) who says "I'm so disappointed in you, you've let yourself down, you've let me down, you've let the whole school down"

 

 

Edited May 7, 20188 yr by notsmokinjo

17 minutes ago, notsmokinjo said:

7

Edited May 7, 20188 yr by Whispers

 

 

 

 

Edited May 10, 20188 yr by jillar

So its in hide, just in case someone is sensitive... its a little bit rude but a lot bit funny...

 

So we have all heard of doing it Greek Style... think I just found Canadian Style...

 

Spoiler

 

Edited May 10, 20188 yr by notsmokinjo

3 men held captive ..were told ..you are going to die, losing your manhood in your job discription....

He asks the first guy...what's your  job ?..he trembled and said a tree surgeon...he was told he would have his sawn off...

He asked the second guy... He said he worked in a carvery....he was told he would have his sliced off..

Finally it was the 3 rd guys turn....and what to you do for a living...???

Oh he said ..I work for dyson.......

 

Not really a joke, but it made me laugh today.

 

The founder, owner, and not coincidentally, my boss at work was asked: "How many guys do you have working here now?"

 

My boss replied: "About half of them."

A blind man goes to the convent and says he's there to see the Mother Superior.  The nun scampers to the Mother Superior's quarters and announces the blind man.  Mother Superior, who is stark naked in the bathtub says, "Send him back later, can't you see I'm unclothed?!?"  Then she reconsiders.  If he's blind, he won't see my nude body.  "On second thought, send him in."

 

The blind man enters and stands before the Mother Superior in the tub.  He exclaims, "Nice tits!  Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

So I was doing this question thing where I question was read out and we had to number our answers... After ten question we were supposed to swap with others so they could check your answers.... soooo I look down and my last question is #6 .... wot the fvck... I'm about to ask about my 4 missed questions... and I checked my page and it went

1

2

3

4

5

4

3

4

5

6

@Sslip, @G67, @reciprocity, @joe .... I blame all of you... clearly, not my fault.

 @notsmokinjo You still need more lessons... we only count going FORWARD... 

 

glad to know now that I have influenced someone though... ?

 

LMAO....wet meself !!!!

1 minute ago, Doreensfree said:

LMAO....wet meself !!!!

Oh you should see the other episodes... I had tears running out my eyes and nearly wet me pants.... its so frickin funny.

the three stoge walk in to a  bank and yell air in the hands you mother stickers this is a **** up.

 

So... this would have been maybe 1988-90... I was living at my Grandma's who despite having all both parents and 2 grandparents born here insisted she was Irish... well this song convinced her that it was acceptable for me to go and see these guys perform live (on my own) because with surnames like Ferguson and McDermot and singing about joining the IRA they had to be good.... basically I was the age my kid is now and I was actively exploiting her age and politics to run riot with my crazy uni aged friends... just don't ask...

 

WARNING: This is religiously sensitive... it is a form of humour... don't press play if you don't think you should use religion as a basis for humour... these guys notoriously took things too far...

 

So now I have insulted the Poms, the Irish, Hare Krishnas, Muslims and the Yanks.... I spose I better not leave the Wees out... cos that wouldn't be nice: