April 8, 20197 yr Author Into the local pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp. “What happened to you?” asks, the bartender. “Jamie O’Conner and I had a fight,” says Paddy. “That little shit, O’Conner,” says the bartender, “He couldn’t do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.” “That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.” “Well,” says the bartender, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?” “That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs. O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”
April 17, 20197 yr G’day an Embarrassing Robbery!! A thief entered a house in mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.” Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
April 20, 20197 yr ^love him..... Although that's how the ex father-in-law walks, the first on lent over. So what do you get if you pour a kettle of boiling water down rabbit hole? Hot cross bunnies. 😎 Edited April 20, 20197 yr by notsmokinjo
April 21, 20197 yr Gday The 6th-grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!" The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?" Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye." Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
May 15, 20197 yr When I was 7, I had a pet hamster that I loved more than anything. I built him an elaborate tunnel habitat with all the bells and whistles. One summer I went away to camp and when I returned the hamster was gone. My father lied and told me the hamster was alive and well.....it had just gone to live with my mother. And I actually believed that. Until a couple of days later I was digging around in the backyard. I found my mom's body.
May 23, 20197 yr Why don't little girls fart? Because they don't have an asshole until they get married! Edited May 23, 20197 yr by jillar
June 16, 20197 yr Kid: bet a kiwi painted that, putting Aus at the arse end of the world.... yeah-NAH...defo a skip (Aussie)....
June 22, 20197 yr G’day Next time your wife gets angry drape a towel over her shoulder (like a cape) and say ”Now your super angry!” She might laugh. You might die.....
June 28, 20197 yr Got an email from a co-worker suggesting I should clean my desk....so I stuck a sign on the wall..."if a disorganised desk is the sign of a disorganised mind, what is an empty desk a sign of".... 2 days later, the sign was gone and a post it note was in its place "grow up and clean your desk"....so I made a new sign, "research has shown the 88% of people with a messy desk are geniuses, the other 12% are psychopaths. Do you still want to ask me to clean my desk?"
June 28, 20197 yr A guy walks into a bar and says 'bartender, give me seven shots of your best whiskey'. The bartender pours the shots and says 'what's the occasion' The guy says 'I'm celebrating my first blow job' The bartender replies 'in that case let me buy you one more' And the guy says 'no thanks, seven should be enough to get the taste out of my mouth'! 🤣
July 3, 20197 yr A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says "Wow, that's a huge lighter...where did you get it?" The guy replies "A genie from this bottle granted me one wish." "Great, can I try it?" "Sure." The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish" says the genie. The guy says, "I want a million bucks!" "Done" says the genie and disappears. A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door. "I can't believe this," says the guy who had just placed his wish, "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!" The second guy then says, "Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?"
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