September 16, 20196 yr A guy goes to the store to buy condoms. 'Do you want a bag?', the cashier asks. 'No', the guy says, 'she's not that ugly'.
September 16, 20196 yr A duck walked into that same store to buy condoms. The cashier asked: do you want to put these on your bill? The duck responded: what kind of freaky shit do you think I'm into?
September 17, 20196 yr I changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so that whenever I forget, it will tell me, "Your password is incorrect."
September 17, 20196 yr So the kid was most disappointed she had to spend time trying to find the right brand of "condensation" pads for Grandma. Yes people, dyslexia also affects speech.
September 17, 20196 yr In posting this I risk closing down this thread. The joke they tell in this vid is so funny, no other will ever be needed.
September 22, 20196 yr I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup today and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever! 😄😄😄
September 23, 20196 yr Two guys are walking from Manchester to London. Whilst on a country lane, one of them comes across one of those old mileage markers on the grass verge at the roadside. He shouts to his friend, who's a little way behind him, "Hey Mick, look at this fella's headstone. They sure do live a long time in the big city." The mileage marker was inscribed: Miles 150 From London
September 28, 20196 yr For those not from Australia today was the AFL (Aussie Rules Football) Grand Final (Premiership Cup/Super bowl) at the MCG (the greatest sport oval and venue on earth) and it was played between a team from Victoria (Richmond Tigers) and a team from NSW (GWS..greater western Sydney giants) in front of a crowd of 100,014 people (well a it were tigers barrackers so people might be a bit generous, I'm sure they were predominantly ferals) ....it was a total cake walk for the Tiges...they won by nearly 100 points.......and as a result the Victorian Police posted this on twitter... Victoria Police✔@VictoriaPolice Victoria Police is currently searching for the GWS Giants after they went missing from the MCG on Saturday afternoon. They were last seen trying to make a #bigbigsound but were instead quaking in their boots. NSW Police Force do you have any leads? Now I'll be listening to this for the next week.... PS...I dunno why after 3 hours of match time, two hours if that spent running around winning football teams sing their club song...dunno if other sports do it (well the Aussie ashes team) but they just do.
September 28, 20196 yr This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic Churches than casinos (in Vegas). Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday Services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed. Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings. The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting. Then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in. This is done by the chip monks.
September 29, 20196 yr My math teacher asked me a question today at school, “What comes after 69?” Apparently ‘ mouthwash ‘ isn’t the correct answer.
October 3, 20196 yr Author A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumped against the windshield. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son’s innocence, the mother turns around and says, “Don’t worry, dear. That was just an insect.” “Wow,” the boy replies. “I’m surprised it could get off the ground with a **** like that!
October 3, 20196 yr "Doctor, doctor my dog has lost his nose." "Really, how does it smell?" "Bloody awful."
October 3, 20196 yr "Doctor, doctor my wife thinks she's a sofa," "Mmm,could be serious, how is she at the moment?" " Very comfortable."
October 4, 20196 yr Convo between the 13 yo kid (K) and the 71yo grandad (g) .... G: who's house d'ya sleep at? K: my friend Betty (name changed to protect identities) G: and she is the gay one. K: no g, that's Paula (not her real name). G: oh, so which one is this. K: the Filo one. G: oh the bi one K: no that's the other filo one. This one is pansexual. G: pan sexual. She has sex with frying pans? K: (eye roll, groan)...no G: pan, like in Peter Pan, like little boys. There are laws against things with little kids. K: that's sick G and anyway we are little kids. G: Right... You are little kids you don't know what you are yet...except to young to do anything with a boy or a girl or a fry pan. So just stay away from my fry pans ok?
October 4, 20196 yr Author A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didn’t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words and so on. One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her “my darling.” But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years. At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years. Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, “My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?” And the lady said, “Pardon?”
October 4, 20196 yr Why is it that when a baby drinks from a bottle and falls asleep everyone thinks it’s cute but when I do it I get arrested at my local bus station and people call me an alcoholic?
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