Welcome back, Heather. Like you, I had a number of short quits before I quit for good....and, just like you, I kept relapsing because I felt that I was missing out on something by not smoking.
The truth is, you are missing out on nothing positive by quitting smoking.....all that comes with smoking is negative. All sorts of life threatening physical risks (too many to mention but it is a huge list), throwing money away on something that kills you, feeling like an outcast in an increasingly non-smoking world, a horrible smell, always out of energy, etc. etc. etc.
That supposedly relaxing feeling you get from lighting up a cigarette is just feeding an addiction. There is nothing relaxing about that process. It is actually more stressful to continue smoking.
You gain nothing by continuing to smoke and gain so much by leaving those nasty cigarettes behind.
Stick around. Read and participate. You will be doing yourself (and your loved ones) a huge favor by quitting smoking for good. You just need to realize smoking does nothing positive for you.