Day 22. Read something here the other day about nicotine and dopamine, and, after years of false rewarding,  the proces of learning to be happy again with normal things. Nothing new but somehow it landed. In order to ETQ with a bit more grace and fun, I have to PAR! Meaning: plan, act and reward. So simple that last week when I wallowed a liiiiitle bit in self pity, it seemed just too rediculously straightforward to be a true answer to my very significant and grave problem at that time. 'Yeah, maybe it works for other people but hey, their lives must be so much less complicated than mine, I need some super special, undiscovered and extraordinary solution to get rid of this mental withdrawl circus'. 

 

Well...... whatever. I managed to shrugg off some pretentiousness, borrowed @Sazerac's Big Girl pants (thanks a million!) and planned on walking this morning. Then I acted upon that plan, walked my ass of for one hour and a half, came home and rewarded myself with:

a. Going throuh the cirkel of par (actually, part P and A together = part R already. Einstein would be stunned). 

b. Pride

c. Tea

d. Really Dark Chocolate

 

Thanks so much Wise Old Mentors, for sharing your experiences! It really helps in unmasking various aspects of addiction and in learning to accept that they apply to me as well. I am no exception to the rules... there's some  simplicity and relief in that thought, actually. ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited July 15, 20197 yr by MLMR

1 hour ago, My life, my recovery said:

In order to ETQ with a bit more grace and fun, I have to PAR! Meaning: plan, act and reward

You gave me goosebumps!! This is how you quit!! 

@c9jane29 :

 

Your dialogs are so useful to anyone quitting or, wanting to quit .

Thank you so much for your insight, M'life.

 

I think every addict believes their case is special,

 that their case is the exception.

 

Part of our solidarity here is about admitting that we are basically all the same

and all have similar issues that dealing honestly with our addiction exposes.

 

None of us are special snowflakes.

 

I will look up some old posts about 'snowflakes',

older quitters blazed that trail for me even when I thought I was a 'special case' too.

 

My addiction was, of course, more addictive than other peoples.

You can hear how ridiculous that sounds !

 

I am happy to share my big girl clothing with you.

They are community property after all, and

albeit tattered from some needed tough love,

remain plenty sturdy enough. lol.

 

Here

are the results of a 'special snowflake' search.

We all dabbled in our 'specialness'

Edited September 14, 20187 yr by Sazerac
link

My life, so glad you found your super special solution.  Exercise helped me a lot also.  

 

So great to read your journey.  You're doing really well.

 

Stay strong.

 

 

 

 

Jep.. had two last night. I woke up in the middle of the first one, panicking I had actually been smoking. In the second one I smoked again, thinking: it doesn't matter now anyway, blew my quit already. I felt really, really sad when I woke up, thinking for a while my effort had been pointless. Even when I realised it had been a dream, it lingered for a while and surprise surprise, I craved a cigarette.

 

One of my fears in this journey is that there will come a moment that I just don't care enough about my health, my life and that I loose connection. After seeing the video, I can translate the sadness to my commitment, the effort I'm putting in quitting, my hope for succeeding. This is what I want!! To be as healthy as possible within my power and to put this stupid cancer stick behind me once and for all. I ám connected to that and it's time to conciously grow some trust. Going to PAR a walk! 

 

P.s. I long for the time when all settles a bit and the need for voicing everything gradually disappears ... there must be life after quitting, right? ?

 

Edited July 15, 20197 yr by MLMR

3 hours ago, My life, my recovery said:

 

P.s. I long for the time when all settles a bit and the need for overexposure gradually disappears ... there must be life after quitting, right? ?

 

This time will come to you as it has to others as you discover how to live life without everything being linked to smoking. Yes, there's life after quitting and it's so much better when you can live your life being free of the grip of this addiction  

The good thing is as you get into the quit, you start managing to focus on other things for a greater period of time, which then translates into forgetting about smoking for greater periods of time.

 

The dreams can hit from time to time, I've had a couple of them over the months quit.

Just a dream tho? Then no problem ML! Just dying memories is all...

An educated quit makes all the difference, and I think you're doing great!

Here, let's have some of my birthday pancakes to celebrate!

 

22 hours ago, Sazerac said:

Your dialogs are so useful to anyone quitting or, wanting to quit .

Thank you so much for your insight, M'life.

 

I think every addict believes their case is special,

 that their case is the exception.

 

Part of our solidarity here is about admitting that we are basically all the same

and all have similar issues that dealing honestly with our addiction exposes.

 

None of us are special snowflakes.

 

I will look up some old posts about 'snowflakes',

older quitters blazed that trail for me even when I thought I was a 'special case' too.

 

My addiction was, of course, more addictive than other peoples.

You can hear how ridiculous that sounds !

 

I am happy to share my big girl clothing with you.

They are community property after all, and

albeit tattered from some needed tough love,

remain plenty sturdy enough. lol.

 

Here

are the results of a 'special snowflake' search.

We all dabbled in our 'specialness'

Thanks for your snowflake search. It's one the hardest hitting insights so far. Funny how wired we are for clinging to our misery.. All the more refreshing to know it will only postpone  freedom. 

@reciprocity yes. Looking forward to that! It's a bit like peeling off an onion: removing smoking memories from day to day life. Went to shoppingmall this morning, I used to smoke one while parking, right before entering the shopping croud  (something I uhm dislike, to say the least). Making new memories, new pathways?

@Sslip true. Distraction is key. I decided distraction has to have a goal in it, otherwise it just feels too pointless. So, I'm learning to eat with chopsticks hahaha! Done it for some time now, but never properly. 

@c9jane29 ohhhh it's your aniversary!! Sorry I missed it. That's the disadvantage of quitting, my universe has become darn small and inwards... but! I do LOVE pancakes and am gladly joining, they look fantastic ? Shall we eat them with chopsticks? ?

Edited September 15, 20187 yr by My life, my recovery

16 minutes ago, My life, my recovery said:

ohhhh it's your aniversary!! Sorry I missed it. That's the disadvantage of quitting, my universe has become darn small and inwards... but! I do LOVE pancakes and am gladly joining, they look fantastic ? Shall we eat them with chopsticks? ?

It's my birthday...plus, I just like to celebrate!! Chopsticks or not we will certaintly need glucose monitoring?

6 minutes ago, c9jane29 said:

It's my birthday...plus, I just like to celebrate!! Chopsticks or not we will certaintly need glucose monitoring?

Ohhh ha, I looked up your quit date, 14-5-2017... but in a world where long quitters live there's also such a thing as regular birthdays?. Well anyway, congratulations! !! 

'Not stopping smoking, look like me you will in the end' 

Conquered new triggers in the past 24 hours ?

● Went to a great open air concert. Pushed junkie thinking away, wasnt going to let it ruin the music. It came back a few times, it helped to look at how calm the other non-smokers seemed to be. I want that for myself in the near future and there's only one way to get there: No smoking. I am proud for talking myself through the night! 

 ● Had a hangover this morning, without the additional dead rat's taste/lack of energy because of chain smoking the entire evening. And did definitely NOT miss the hardship of having to smoke while too hungover to even 'like' it.

● Went outside for a delicious afternoon recovery coffee. Warm weather, nice and sunny. Smoking people everywhere. This was a tough one, but I did it. ?

 

 

Edited September 17, 20187 yr by My life, my recovery

This is splendid news, M'life.

Non smokers ARE calm.  The junkie isn't ruling our lives anymore.

I am so proud of you and you are so right,

hangovers are better smoke free, still can pack a punch but a lot easier than a smokey hangover too.

 

Soon, people smoking everywhere will just be disgusting and not a temptation AT ALL.

Poor sods.

 

Sending encouragement for the week ahead and looking forward to your posts.

S

Starting to notice a few things, since quitting almost 4 weeks ago 

 

* My agitation of the first two weeks is diminishing! I can still be very snappy sometimes, but it’s easier to regulate.

* The Great Fog is very slowly dissolving. Concentration is better, though still far from what it used to be. I find it hard to focus on something for a longer period of time, whether it’s a conversation, computerwork, a meeting, a movie... but I notice that I don’t have the distraction of wanting to smoke any longer, that constant need to deal with withdrawl symptoms (because that’s what ‘wanting’ to smoke is. So happy to get that now). Taking my time and checking on  H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired) helps.

* More and more often I realise I haven’t been thinking of smoking for a while.

* Everything feels more intense: the bad stuff, but also definitely the good stuff. Once in a while I have these moments where I feel so satisfied, in the moment, grounded. It’s new to me, but I think I like it a lot and it makes me hopeful for the future.

* Last but not least, healthy skin!  

 

 

 

 

Wow, My life.  That is so good to hear.  

It does get easier, doesn't it? 

 

I remember, I used to want to celebrate these milestones with a ... smoke.  This habit is insidious and wants to strike just when we start to feel a little comfortable.  Stay vigilant.

 

How's the walking going?

 

(Btw, good to see you paying it forward in another thread).

@d2e8b8 yes, it does. But I will be careful .. I don't think I left wash drum phase yet. On a day like this I do have my down moments as well, but I try to focus almost exessively on the positives and keep the 'fake it untill you make it' attitude. Reverse brainwashing.

 

Walking goes well. Did it every day since last wednesday, usualy around 45'.  When I have a hard time I go for a very quick walk around the building (work or at home). With quitting, it's like having two jobs.. Ha. I still spend a lot of time reading and adjusting in day to day life.

 

About paying it forward, hope I will be able to do that. Don't really feel confident enough in my own quit yet to 'have  a right to speak', so to say... but that will change overtime and then 'llI be more than happy to support others. So important to know you're not alone in this. 

 

 

Edited September 17, 20187 yr by My life, my recovery

47 minutes ago, My life, my recovery said:

About paying it forward, hope I will be able to do that. Don't really feel confident enough in my own quit yet to 'have  a right to speak', so to say... but that will change overtime and then 'llI be more than happy to support others. So important to know you're not alone in this. 

 

You're already paying it forward My life, each time you update your thread  

Just got home from work. It was a foggy day again.. so weird how the days seem completely randomly affected by that. 

 

Current mood:  I want you all to understand dutch so I'm able to rant and write fluently without having to think of words/grammar. I hardly talk to people around me about quitting, I want to spare them and I don't want to be the annoying exsmoker talking about bloody quitting ALL THE TIME. But the truth is, it is on my mind a lot during the day..  people closest to me know about it and they are a support, really. I know that I am not fighting any monster, or battling against myself for that matter. But trying to figure this addiction thing out, understanding what it means, while tumbling in that bl**dy washing drum....pfiewww. It's like trying to make head, heart and hands work together (I'm not sure if that's a saying in english. But whatever, I think it's obvious). 

Tomorrow it's four weeks. They went so fast and so slow at the same time. It must be junkie thinking messing with perception. 

 

Edited September 18, 20187 yr by My life, my recovery

My life, I didn't talk to hardly anyone about my quit offline either. In fact I didn't tell anyone except for my husband and a couple close friends that I had quit until about week 6. After about six months my husband said shouldn't you be over it by now! Him being a never smoker he has no idea that most of us will never "be over it" and that one slip can send us back to a pack a day.  That's why the support of fellow quitters on the forum is/was so important to me. We know what you're going through and are here to lend an ear and any support we can offer

Edited September 18, 20187 yr by jillar

21 hours ago, jillar said:

 

You're already paying it forward My life, each time you update your thread  

 

 

This is the truth, M'life.

Your experience is invaluable, your writing honest and your presence is a real gift to QTrain.

 

 

This was my note to self, in the pre-respond SOS topic. I know I am going to need it today. I asked a few people around me if they will support me just that little bit of extra today. This is such a day where, in previous quits, I would 'suddenly' find myself smoking, beating myself up afterwards. Little time and energy today for paying attention to junkie thinking, some things just need to be done. Straight Noping HAS to be one of them. 

 

*So, somehow you feel like you don't care anymore. Maybe it's the depression, anxiety, or just some sh☆tty situation. Let me tell you this: you do care and you definitely give a lot about it. You used to think you didn't care, because it was easier and less vulnerable. Back then, it was your only way to survive. But now things are different, you have changed. Be honest with yourself and listen to the soft voices. They want to be heard. They will help you continue this journey.*

Edited September 19, 20187 yr by My life, my recovery

Hey My Life.... 3 more sleeps and you have been quit for one month... I have a lovely little woohoo thread planned for you so regardless of all the silly thoughts you might get you are the one in control.. you can do this... take the control back one crave at a time.... and if you need to yell and scream in Dutch go for it, if we want to know what it says there is always google translate and that could make for some really funny mistakes. You've got this my Northern mate.