October 19, 20187 yr Author 6 hours ago, d2e8b8 said: Wow! Do you understand what happened. Yep, I certainly do! And the best part was, I had a flashback, was thinking of so many moments when I actually got angry, but managed to dull it away with smoking. In other words, saying to myself: It's NOT ok to have this emotion, it must go away. 6 hours ago, c9jane29 said: I could hug you right now!! Yes!! Embrace! The! Quit!!!! Yeah!! 2 hours ago, Sazerac said: I would hide all my emotions behind a cloud of smoke. When they first emerged as a nicotine free person, I was v. surprised and had to learn again how to FEEL. That's right. It hit me.. Djeez. Ofcourse I knew it was about nicotine and giving myself a false sense of consolation, ease. But I never thought of the fact that smoking in these particular situations, while being sad, angry, bored, etc. is a repetetive way of telling myself that it's not ok to feel the way I do. I am actually a bit bewildered now ?
October 20, 20187 yr Author Nothing to do on a saturday evening. Friends doing things without me, Mr. Man is having Stick's Night. Cat is having a ball with a fake mouse and the dishes are done. There's a cake in the oven but I have to be patient a little longer. God. Bourgeois. Dead silence. I could go for a walk. Maybe do some closet organizing? Hmm. Haven't seen my neighbours in ages, I might check if theyr'e still alive. Now I come to think of it, why arent they checking on me? Ok, forget it. I don't like them anyway. I think of all the boring moments in the past. Smoking seemed the right thing to do. Strange, how it often kept me from ... well, doing things. Was I really bored and smoking? Or did smoking make me believe not caring much for other things was ok...and did I maybe even create boredom to justify smoking? It's amazing to rediscover myself as a pretty pro-active person. I want to get things done, not much 'sit-there-wait-and-see' left. It started out during the first weeks as distraction, keeping my mind off smoking. But now, unplanned, it's gradually becoming the new normal somehow and I really really like that! No more 'oh let's smoke one first'! ('Beautiful. Ok. Done? Good. Now let's have a sm...'). <-- nothing wrong there. Fart of the brain. No need to get uptight and all. This is the plan: tea and cake, evening walk, ring the neighbours bell and run away real quick, shower, sleep. Edited October 20, 20187 yr by MLMR
October 20, 20187 yr 1 hour ago, MLMR said: This is the plan: tea and cake, evening walk, ring the neighbours bell and run away real quick, shower, sleep. Sounds like a plan!!
October 21, 20187 yr It was great learning the new me after quitting smoking. Taking breaks, sitting on my back stoop and breathing in deep delicious breaths of oxygen. Oxygen became my new drug. Learning how to be still. Learning how to reward myself. Learning to experience reality without the veil of smoke. Learning how to be bored....which mostly leads to a creative outlet or beautiful sleep or marvelous day dreams. You will love your new you, M'life.
October 21, 20187 yr 6 hours ago, MLMR said: I think of all the boring moments in the past. Smoking seemed the right thing to do. Strange, how it often kept me from ... well, doing things. Was I really bored and smoking? Or did smoking make me believe not caring much for other things was ok...and did I maybe even create boredom to justify smoking? Wow, this is exactly how I felt. The longer I smoked the more I started to lose interest in things that I used to love. I loved crafting or painting and redecorating a room. I loved gardening. This past year all that seemed to change. As I start to live my smoke free life, I hope to rediscover these joys again.
October 21, 20187 yr It's so time consuming to be a smoker...all that planning...Where ? when ? Have I got enough !!!!.....yada yada....
October 21, 20187 yr 18 hours ago, Linda Thomas said: Wow, this is exactly how I felt. The longer I smoked the more I started to lose interest in things that I used to love. I loved crafting or painting and redecorating a room. I loved gardening. This past year all that seemed to change. As I start to live my smoke free life, I hope to rediscover these joys again. OK that's fantastic! Works well for me too because I have a bunch or rooms that need redecorating and the garden's a mess too. When can I expect you
October 22, 20187 yr Author So ... since eating cigarettes isn't exactly the right thing to celebrate a 2month quit with, I'll be once again having a hard look at some things. I challenged myself to think of at least 3 new found improvements. Here goes. 1. No more butts everywhere at my Villa Balconya. Just clean concrete. Very cozy. <- read that one somewhere, by the way. Haven't been to Balconya like forever, so how would I know. I just assume. Unless my unkind neighbours emptied their ashtray on my tiny outside space. 2...uhm... 3...ehhhh... (Junkie thinking: *screw improvements. You know you miss me*. No. I don't miss you and for the record, 'you' don't even exist. 'You' are just pattern in my brain that I'm about to destroy for good. What does exist is my body, my health, my family, my surroundings and especially my ... *oh, just quit your righteous do-good talk. Who cares anyway, who are you kidding!* Ok brain pattern, you know what? Drop dead! The fact that I have 2 months under my belt and I would like to light an entire pack, does not jeopardize my quit as long as I don't light up. Early night, goodbye world! Tomorrow it's us again.) Aaaaaarghhh! NOPE!!! Nope nope nope nope noperdenope!! Edited October 22, 20187 yr by MLMR
October 22, 20187 yr Our brains are our worst enemies.... That nico monster is tap tapping on your shoulder...Hey remember me..... He knows he's in trouble...your killing him day by day...your get stronger day by day.... Keep telling him to naff off....NOPE !!!!!
October 22, 20187 yr Author 11 minutes ago, Doreensfree said: Our brains are our worst enemies.... That nico monster is tap tapping on your shoulder...Hey remember me..... He knows he's in trouble...your killing him day by day...your get stronger day by day.... Keep telling him to naff off....NOPE !!!!! Well goodluck to him stickin' his trouble up there were the sun don't shine!! Starting to grow tired of this nagging little voice, sneaking up on me when I least expect. Bweh.
October 22, 20187 yr Your two month celebration may have reminded your addict that times have changed, you don't smoke. Glad you powered through, M'life. Awfully glad, I am.
October 22, 20187 yr I'll tell you a secret; my junkie brain tried a few times last week to get me to buy weed. I sat around for almost a whole day wondering who I knew that I could call. It went as far as trying to figure out if I could get to Colorado(where it's legal) and back while the kids were in school. ? or could my mom pick them up? I haven't smoked weed in a good 10 years and bringing any back would be a felony...junkie brain at it's best. It caught me by suprise; I'm glad that I'm secure enough that I could laugh at myself during it, but a 10year old memory totally halted my life. It reminds me to never drop my guard, always stay vigilant. Resolve forged in fire can not be broken! Sending strength of mind and heart your way?
October 23, 20187 yr Author Thanks for sharing that @c9jane29. I want to introduce you to Weedie! I created him a few years ago, as an ode to this anxiety relieving Plant (well, that's what it did for me at least) ? Nowadays smoking him is just a memory. But I can relate to what you said really well.. like you said, junkie brain at it's best. Resolve forged in fire. I like that image. @jillar awfully simple but yes. Keep noping and itll be alright. And @SazeracI am also glad. I have a little trouble with digesting the annoying construct of NOT wanting to smoke and still having these thoughts. Ahhhh hear me talking. Thats the junkie. Classic. It is what it is. Accept it for now. And so it goes... ?? Edited October 23, 20187 yr by MLMR
October 23, 20187 yr ^^ That is frickin awesome. I love Weedy. So we all no I haven't exactly been snow white... and every now an then, even more than a decade clean... I'll be at a party or a gig or something and a little voice will say... gee a line/pill would be nice now.... and for a tiny nano second I think of who I could call to score and then its gone... but it still happens.... probably always will.
October 23, 20187 yr 5 hours ago, MLMR said: . I want to introduce you to Weedie! Hi weedy!! You look delicious ? I like that she's a bud...idk why everything always has the leaf on it like that's the good part.
October 23, 20187 yr Author @notsmokinjo thanks, ha! Weedie is one of my favorite projects. Yarn, sugar and hairspray. Feels as sticky as the real thing. @c9jane29 uh yes, the bud is what counts ? By the way, I think in the end there will be no leaves left at all.... theyr'e overdeveloping some species to supermegaultra strong proportions, knockout weed. ?
October 23, 20187 yr Author 5 minutes ago, notsmokinjo said: Bloody GM Weed.... is nothing sacred???? ? Nope. As sad as it is. Monsanto-Bayer /big pharma, yay.
October 25, 20187 yr Author Oh gawd. Shaking about what just happened. Was going to buy some breakfast before work, at a place I usualy try to avoid. Its where I grew up. Poured coffee in the supermarket, got what I needed and payed. Once outside a giant melancholy came over me. Saw the crappy station where I hung out as a teen (rollin' / smoking cigs), and the sad grey buildings. I swear it was like someone opened a bottle of memories and emptied it on me. Im not sure whether it was a smell or simply being at that place that activated this but the result is here I am, typing this on my phone in the car sobbing about god knows what kind of child memory stuff. And I really need to go to work now and get my act together. The joys of quitting ... ? Edited October 25, 20187 yr by MLMR
October 25, 20187 yr Oh gee I'm handing out the kanga cuddles today .... here is a pick me up hug from me to you... I totally understand what you are saying. A lot of stuff from my childhood and past that I thought I had dealt with emotionally has re-surfaced during my quit... I think the smoking suppressed a lot of emotions over the years. I have also noticed many of us go through a catharsis when we quit, we learn to love and believe in ourselves again and part of that awakening involves dealing with the buried things, especially from childhood. Look at our dear friend @Linda Thomas and the evolution she has made, who would even recognise her as the woman from her first posts. Quitting is empowering, but the transition has some bumps and curves you need to face before moving on. But like everything quit related there are good days and there are tough days. So as my dear Grandma would say... "You have 5 minutes, cry it out until your all snotty, then wipe your eyes, blow your nose and pull your socks up. You have school now, its a responsibility, after school you need to cry some more you have all night."..... so tidy up that make up chooky, blow your nose and take 3 big, huge breaths (cos you can do that now you don't smoke). But don't forget about it or ignore it, just shelve it until after work. So it must have been the day for crying jags in the car... I drove to town I grew up in (Yes I know its more than local like I am allowed but I needed to for an appointment and I just wasn't going to make them all today if I didn't cheat)... anyway since we sold my Grandma's house I have never been back, but today I did and the new owners have changed it so much... it was awful... sure the house looked cute and cottagy but it wasn't my Grandma's house anymore... massively, structurally different.... sat there and bawled my eyes out... then had to drive past my parents old house, the one my Great Great Grandad built and it was all changed and horrible too and I felt saddnes but not like my Grandmas. So I get you, it a horrible feeling when those repressed feelings fly up and hit us. But its good too, it strengthen's our quit and it strengthens us and it lets us grow into the people we were meant to be.
October 25, 20187 yr 3 hours ago, MLMR said: Saw the crappy station where I hung out as a teen (rollin' / smoking cigs), and the sad grey buildings Oh, high school...I wore JNCO's and Marilyn Manson shirts with black nail polish in high school so I only cry when I see pictures from back then? I want to hug you and kick you in your butt at the same time....I definitely do not want you to go to a sad place. There is nothing good there. Crying is healthy, it gets things out before the emotions bottle explodes. Cry happy tears that you are taking back control, happy tears that you are strong, beautiful woman that never stops learning and growing (and I'm not talking waist lines here). This is the beauty of not smoking things away! You get to be full on in these emotions and really savor them and learn to be okay with them. You have shown all of us your determination so tell junkie brain to take a vacation cuz MLMR has better things to do than mourn the death of...death. Bob Ross, baby...I'm telling you...this guy is on to something?
October 25, 20187 yr Oh... off topic here but had to tell you Weedy is going straight to the QT Art Gallery... I will invite you with a shout out to his grand opening.
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