I cry every time I hear the song Everybody Hurts  ??

 

You're doing great. 

1 hour ago, jillar said:

You'll get there MLMR, just let the tears come because they will soon be replaced with laughter and smiles  

? thanks for reassuring me.

 

You know, it' not just tears out of sadness. I just ... feel so 'feely' lately! And I am used to feeling A LOT, feeling EVERYTHING AT ONCE, switching from SKY HIGH to ROCK BOTTOM ... but this is different. This is genuine or something. I can have it when I look at my cat and realise what she's meant to me all these years, I have it when I realise how I missed out during all these years of depression, I cry when Im mad and when Im sad and when Im happy. Yesterday I cried during the dishes. The other night I woke up around 3 o'clock, made tea and just sat there thinking about the year my dad started sleeping at the couch. BAMM! Crying. This afternoon someone at work said something nice, also bloody fvcking made me cry. I mean, come on. Got to draw the line somewhere, right? How many allergies can one pretend ...?!

 

 

 

 

Edited October 30, 20187 yr by MLMR

Colleen used to quote Robert Frost:

 

"The best way out is always through."

 

I like the saying, "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf."

Big Hugs chooky... Saz is right, it will get better... if not just get a decent thermo wetsuit and learn to surf... its heaps of fun.

 

 

3 hours ago, MLMR said:

You know, it' not just tears out of sadness. I just ... feel so 'feely' lately! And I am used to feeling A LOT, feeling EVERYTHING AT ONCE, switching from SKY HIGH to ROCK BOTTOM ... but this is different. This is genuine or something. 

 

This is your brain waking up from all the chemicals that suppressed it over the years. It's a cleansing MLMR, let it come.....

14 hours ago, jillar said:

 

This is your brain waking up from all the chemicals that suppressed it over the years. It's a cleansing MLMR, let it come.....

 

I love this, Jillar.  True true true.

and yes, M'life,  after the shroud of addiction is lifted,

our true, genuine feelings emerge.

70 days completed.

It seems like 'occasional, unexpected triggers' hit hard these days and worse of all, it's like they trigger 'checked ones' as well. I was done with the mornings,  I was done with the car, long done with 'I am boring when I dont smoke'.

Top notch junkie thinking: I want a smoke, after I had a mild fever and been coughing for a week. I know. Just a pattern. Top notch junkie thinking: I want a smoke, when the day before yesterday the first real sad rainy cold set in. I know, just my brain. Top notch junkie thinking: I want a smoke, because don't you think you just deserve it and maybe that can help with shutting you up about everything you feel and writing about it all the time and concidering you and your bloody quit so darn important?

So, Junkie me. Listen up. We have been here before. If I must, I'll keep debunking smoke lies for ever. We. Don't. Smoke. Anymore.

It's not some kind of joke, try out, or experiment or whatever this junkie thinking is trying to trick me in to. I won't identify with that part of addiction anymore. This quit is for real.



 

Edited November 1, 20187 yr by MLMR

10 hours ago, MLMR said:

70 days completed.

It seems like 'occasional, unexpected triggers' hit hard these days and worse of all, it's like they trigger 'checked ones' as well. I was done with the mornings,  I was done with the car, long done with 'I am boring when I dont smoke'.

Top notch junkie thinking: I want a smoke, after I had a mild fever and been coughing for a week. I know. Just a pattern. Top notch junkie thinking: I want a smoke, when the day before yesterday the first real sad rainy cold set in. I know, just my brain. Top notch junkie thinking: I want a smoke, because don't you think you just deserve it and maybe that can help with shutting you up about everything you feel and writing about it all the time and concidering you and your bloody quit so darn important?

So, Junkie me. Listen up. We have been here before. If I must, I'll keep debunking smoke lies for ever. We. Don't. Smoke. Anymore.

It's not some kind of joke, try out, or experiment or whatever this junkie thinking is trying to trick me in to. I won't identify with that part of addiction anymore. This quit is for real.



 

 

I love your quit M'life.  Thank you for sharing it all with us.  All your writings resonate so well with all of us.  There are threads that link us all together.

We are all addicts, after all.

3 hours ago, Sazerac said:

 

I love your quit M'life.  Thank you for sharing it all with us.  All your writings resonate so well with all of us.  There are threads that link us all together.

We are all addicts, after all.

Wel, I'm glad you love it, cause I honestly friggin hate it at the moment.  I have to put it out in the open or I'll cave. I still need it to control my quit.  But I have this CONSTANT voice: attention seeker, loser. I know where this voice comes from.. and it's not a nice place. I hope quitting will eventually bring me a bit more at peace with myself. Ive seen parts of that already.

 

Bring it on, I'll get there.

You sharing all the crazy you feel at the moment is a gift you are leaving for those travelling the quit road behind you. I promise you there are lurkers out there reading your every post and there are those who will read your words and take a deep breath and think yep, I can do this too and can take back my life and and my recovery and grow. You are someones or many someones shining example.

 

Many have said this, its in threads all over the train but MLMR this is all about your quit... especially in the early days... it needs to be, until you come out of the fog of dependency and re-learn how to experience and feel life it has to be all about you and your quit... its not about being narcissistic or self indulged it is about learning about being a smoke free you... its about learning and enforcing that mornings are about breathing deeply of the smoke free air... its about enjoying a drink without a nicotine chaser... now how many mornings have you started the day with a smoke? and how many (72?) have you started without... it takes time... around the 3 month mark lots of us get frustrated with the time it seems to be taking, and the fact that the same things seem to rear their heads again and again... the thing is if you have done something a few thousand times, every day in a row and you haven't for 70 days in a row which receptors are going to be in the majority.... it works though, just give it time... I used to be have my first smoke before I even went to the loo in the morning.. now I don't even think about having one... it takes time... but it comes.

 

OK.. so the changes in you as a person and how you see yourself... that comes too and you are right it has started all ready for you... a lot of things from my childhood (which was, bumpy) I thought had been dealt with resurfaced when I quit and a lot of my behaviour became obvious that it was because of things that happened as a kid... and there was a time when I hated my quit because all these 'flaws' were being thrown in my face and I had to deal with them, because I couldn't have a smoke and hide... but I feel stronger, and free-er and I love that quitting smokes is letting me be the person I was meant to be... and that will come for you too.... so basically what I am saying is everything really is all about your quit and you.... and you need to invest the time and energy into it, even when it is at the annoying stages because the rewards, oh the rewards to everything from how you look, to your health, to how you feel are worth every moment you doubt it and have to fight and fake it until you make it .... so this is one of those horrible stages... like the terrible twos... but your quit is strong, you are strong, and write it all, for you, for us and for those coming behind because it is a real gift you are giving to everyone.

A big thankyou @notsmokinjo.

For reminding me to acknowledge and value the steps I take. And having a little faith in time. 

 

I woke up this morning and thought, ok, another night has passed. The day ahead of me will not be longer than any other day. Trying to be at peace with what it's like right now, cause fighting and judging my state of mind obviously has the opposite effect. There is a big chance this wont last as long as sh*tty stinky butt thoughts want to make me believe. @c9jane29 thanks to you I have this image of a gross stinkin' glitter covered ass, whenever I reach that stage where humor is thankgodfully taking over again. 

 

 

3 hours ago, MLMR said:

thanks to you I have this image of a gross stinkin' glitter covered ass, whenever I reach that stage where humor is thankgodfully taking over again. 

 

Good!! Cuz I'm ready to come cover your stanky butt in glitter? 

(I kid, only a little) I want you to find that happiness again...I hate that evil voice that's telling you that you aren't good enough. I barely know you and I know that's not true!! But, sometimes we have to dig down deep and find the bottoms of those ugly places so we know what's down there in order to fix it before we fill in the holes. I've been to the bottom too many times and I know there is nothing down there for me...you'll get there soon enough. And, when you want to claw your way back to the top, I'll still be here cheering you on and throwing these ropes to make it easier  even if you're grumpy, I'm still gonna try to be your friend.

You are very much appreciated around here. 

 

Just gonna be here...cheering you on...even if you don't want it right now, I want you to know you are not alone

@c9jane29  thanks. Plundering the willpower stash these days. X

You can do it MLMR, heck you ARE doing it! Stand proud and believe in yourself. You have an awesome toolbox and great support so lean on us whenever you need to

 

 

 

Thank you @jillar .

I am really looking forward to 22/11, that will mark 3 months.

 

It's just pushing through now. Bleghh. Just got to do it. Got some things going on, keep telling myself that Im better off not smoking and these things would have happened anyway.  

Yep MLMR, that's what we all have to tell ourselves. But each time we push through we get stronger You are doing great and are right where you should be in terms of quitting. I had a pretty difficult first year so if I can do it anyone can  

Day 74,8. Sailed pretty rough for the last 4 days. I would love to say something wise, smart about it. But tadaaa, haven't got any of those words for you! I had a few immense 'wanting moments', didn't do it and am not particularly proud or happy. I am romanticizing smoking like crazy for the last few days. 'Pfewww, smoking would be a relief when we are fighting like this'. Having thoughts about smoking in regard to have at least one 'little' thing for myself. Somehow it doesnt pay off to take time to debunk thoughts. I want them thoughts gone and I want it now.. grmbl. 

 

So I decided to faire Ignore Way.  Not trying to outsmart addiction, wearing myself out by this ever learning and thinking smart sh*t. Ok thoughts, you are here. Whatever. I don't smoke. 

 

 

(omg. Will this ever end)

 

 

 

 

Edited November 5, 20187 yr by MLMR
Included an appropriate funny picture

Yes MLMR, they WILL end, we just have to go through it for them TO end. You're doing great and right where you should be in your quit. You're nearing three months and nicotine is fighting hard to win you back so just trust the process. It will get soooooo much better

One thing I did each month was look back on my posts from the start, this helped show me that although it didn't always feel like it, I was progressing and winning the battle

Edited November 5, 20187 yr by jillar

It's a beautiful "yay" face, friend? 

Sometimes we just have to fake it til we make it...maybe it's the "curse of the 3s" (3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months) blues and hopefully clears up soon. 

Until then, keep working on finding that reward or that one thing that's just for you. I know it's hard...trust me. 

I've told you before but I'll say it again...even if you're grumpy, I'm still glad you're here?

 

You're trekking through No Man's Land now MLMR. You've fought through the horrible early days and established your quit and amassed tools to help you fight the weaker cravings that continue to arrive at your doorstep day to day but the newness of the quit has worn off so now it's just daily plodding along now - no fanfare like there may have been in the early days. You're not far enough along yet for your mind to be comfortable with your daily routine (without smokes). This alone is unsettling. Just as in the early days, progress seems stalled. You can't see any day to day so you think it's stopped? NO! It's still happening and now you will be tested to see not how strong you are to fight those strong and frequent early carvings but to see now what your endurance is. The challenges won't be as pronounced or as frequent as the early days but they will still come and it's your job now to deal with them one at a time, The principal is still the same as early on. The longer you keep putting one foot in front of the other day by day, the sooner you will feel the weight of this change lift from you and you will begin to really appreciate just what you have done for yourself. You have almost 1/4 year invested and that's something to be really proud of and also excited about. Now it's even more important than ever that you stick close to your friends and supporters on this board because we know exactly what you are going through. We have been there ourselves - we get it! Reflect on all you've done and continue to build on that amazing foundation  

Day 80.

It's like I am in a vacuum. Too far in to give up, too early on to have strong faith that I'll get through the few tough things life is throwing at me right now.

'For sure people don't want to listen to you any more, go fix these thoughts yourself! You started this, now do what they say and cut the crap! Go walk! Go do some NLP-ish thing to get rid of the voices! And keep up your spirit for the newbies, wouldnt want to discourage them, huh?' 

 

I am scared that I'll snap one of these days. I have not been this scared to fail, not since I started. There now, it's out. 

hello M'life.

Please understand that you are only responsible to yourself and your quit.

Your effect on others and their quits is not your job

and it is not something you have any control over.

All you can do is be true to yourself and hold on to your commitment to yourself and your quit.

 

Your posts are important.  They express what you and many others, who have difficulty communicating,  are feeling and experiencing.

Every post is an important post.  I am not tired of listening to you.  I can't be...I am watching a chrysalis turn into a butterfly.

 

Day 80 !  Hang in there, bebe.  You quit smoking.  Reward yourself.  Nurture your sweet self.

 

1 hour ago, MLMR said:

Too far in to give up

M'life, that is the thought you want to hold onto.  I am only a little ways ahead of you in my quit and I have been experiencing many of your emotions.

The thoughts I try to keep at the forefront of everything are:

I have never actually quit smoking, until now.

That first month was very difficult - why would I want to go through that again - ever.

I really disliked the person that smoked and was so ashamed. 

Plain and simple - just do not go there.  That option is not even on the table. 

You and I are going to do this.  Keep posting - it helps me immensely because I know I am not alone 

MLMR I echo Sazerac. Don't worry about discouraging newbies. You are being honest about how your quit is and that is something that is useful to anyone else having as hard a time. I had a really hard quit too and can totally relate. Your posts help others who can relate so they don't feel alone either.

Congratulations on 80 days, that really is a great quit you have