darcy

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Yay for your 7 years of FREEDOM. cruising along...

Hello Fabulous Quit Train People, It has been awhile since I was here on the boards. The last 3 hours have been a wreck of smokey thoughts and intentions. Grateful I chose to come visit here before grabbing my keys and heading out. Haven't gotten myself off the ledge yet and am certain I will get off it before relapsing. The intensity doesn't surprise me. I know who I am. Sad that I am having the "same old , same old" response to predictably the same old, same old ire raising situations. Yet, again, I know who I am. Or do I? Perhaps this urge is responsive/reactive to the myriad of BIG FEELINGS and stressful circumstances being experienced. Collective experiences of 2020 ...living just outside the Twin Cities... navigating life and loving in "the after times" of Covid-19 presence. Or perhaps, and likely, it is my long standing programming to choose harm to myself when I am "over" (whelmed, hungry, angry, lonely, tied, hot, ashamed, feeling powerless, etc....) Need to hold space for allowing the new. Past behavior is only a predictor until it isn't, ...and something changes. Think I picked up that delightful tidbit here on the train. Came and read several pages of "pre respond to your S.O.S.". Including both of my own posts there. having salad and sharing my ticker stats with my marvelous man. grateful I will make it through this day as a non smoker. I know I am one crappy decision away from a lifetime of continued misery. Keeping gratitude in the forefront..... will get to see my dad in person this Autumn. likely going to marry my marvelous man while my dad visits....bit of a late bloomer on the "traditional social norm" scene...grateful for THAT, too! Got to float through the lake reeds listening to a pair of loons garden is growing and exciting to watch and eat I have nourishing relationships and environments I am a nonsmoker a doe and her to spotted fawns are a daily delight to see I am enjoying kayaking, canoeing and just sitting lakeside listening and watching the gift of health is keeping me living easily My needs are met fully and richly...many wants, too I have over $800 because I do not smoke Quit Train exists and is filled with fabulous support and great information .....so much more to be grateful for , too......... looks like I made it through this addiction dance....

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Hey Jo, Glad you're home and surgery was successful. Enjoy the resting up for a few days.

Mending happening.... Glad you are tended to. Love and light.

Hello Fabulous Quit Train People, Have been quite busy with navigating guests in my home who do not share beliefs around covid concerns. Glad to have (sort of, not really...) found a way to be okay with sharing close space and being with the people I hold deeply dear. More urgent smokey thoughts in the last few days than I have experienced in awhile. Just acknowledging the thought, announcing "I don't smoke", and moving on to the next activity. Still surprised when I spend any time thinking about it...that I am a nonsmoker. Still wondering...am I solid enough to change my patterns when the worst storms hit? Deeply enjoying gardening and learning to play pinochle. Made the BEST lemon cookies ever last week. Have been visiting the fledging owls (2) daily for more than a week. So beautiful. Grateful for my health and the health of those I love. Grateful to have resources and abundance of interesting and fulfilling opportunities. Grateful that at this juncture I do not spend much brain power or time on smoking. Hoping you are finding your way joyfully on the train. Reach out, post and share - struggling or easy street. People here will support your quit. You got this. I got this! 38 year smoker....2 months plus smoke free!

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nope!...glad we are all here!

acceptance makes easy

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-1

Thought about smoking, in a non-urgent barely considering it a smokey thought, for the first time today about 5 minutes ago. I am amazed, grateful, proud? (ooo, don't say that, not pride....), still hesitant to have faith and LIVING smoke free none the less. Had someone told me 2 months ago that I would have this experience in the next two moths I would have negated their reality with no hesitation. Denied the possibility with every fiber of my self knowing. Hardly ever have I been this grateful to have been potentially wrong. I am a nonsmoker. Feel like there needs to be some shoring up , some preparing for some unknown future where I will want to smoke and will give my power away, again. Really want to keep this quit for the rest of this life. I think about the things I have read on this site. The crave or smokey thought only has the power we give it. ~ this is s tough one for me... NOPE ~ this is an easy one for me. I am an addict. Nicotine is a drug. Lighting up is the choice of addiction and killing myself one breath at a time. Meanwhile, I am enjoying spring. Looking forward to my mom coming back from Arizona and concerned about her traveling. Still need to make a plan for dentist. Been utilizing vitamin I (what we call ibuprofen in our house) way more than I want to...and grateful for the management of pain. Playing around with gardening and painting and exercising....play is good for my brain and spirits. Hoping as things evolve in the next few seasons there will be work for me (I part time teach, but not in permanent position) doing something fun and creative. Hoping if you are reading this you are having a day filled with smiles and wonder. and until the next blog entry....here is a creative choreography gif

planning...more like outlining a plan. caffeine is really 2-4 cups, 8oz cups, of coffee in the morning (heavily laden with cream and sugar), so more than I'd like , but many miles from the 6 Monsters a day I drank 10 years ago. You could say I have weaned over a decade...lol. and the sugar... I have been trying t be aware of how much I consume, just so I actually know....seems I randomly binge and have dessert everyday. The dessert thing started 10 years ago....used to be occasional desert, now daily. Currently, I am trying to be excited about my success in ceasing nicotine. My screwed up internal dialogue snidely comments, "so what , you still are weighing in at extremely unhealthy numbers, so why bother with one , if you're not going to fix (choose healthy) for all." My actual self realizes that progress is progress and loving myself as I am IS the HEALTHIEST choice and path I can possibly take. Your continued support and connection is deeply appreciated.

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Feeling much lighter of heart and head the last few days. Grateful to be able to ride out the emotional downs without being a slave to nicotine addiction. Yipee! Close call sometimes. For the most part I don't think much about smoking at all. When the urge hits to smoke it is either light and easy to bat away, or all consuming and demanding action. Through whatever grace I am free of nicotine (38 ish years a slave...no more) and trucking on. Not saying there are not other things that need tending and healing, and very grateful for the relative ease of releasing this addiction I no longer need. Enjoying the spring dazzle of greens. Enjoying walks with the cat and seeing, seemingly, right before my eyes the leafing out of the trees. No kidding...we walk our mile loop and the trees we pass on the return appear to have even more leaves. Delightful. Hoping to get a person powered boat on the water this weekend. Pretty windy at the moment. Not sure what to look forward to these days. Staying grateful for: the amazing life I am leading relationships that evolve and remain and nourish and sustain...and ones that seem stuck, so I can have the opportunity to show up with compassion, love and hope me and the things I learn, choose and give my marvelous man...a rare gift from a one of my dearest friends...in weird way laughter and long standing jokes with people who share my bents health of those I hold dear because they thrive in place, me, too BEing Free from nicotine ... coming soon to my body and brain... FREEDOM from sugar and caffine ART - am really loving the Getty Museum stay at home challenge ...just search for images of Getty museum challenge, jut squirreled up that clicking tree for a few minutes and am laughing out loud my phone....it is how I am connected to people I love and their voices...so nice to hear hope because I believe things change and there is ever more wellness and wonderfulness flowing Rolling along....

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Hola Folks, Posting because I said I would... and I am only as good as my word (judgement noted). Warning...my head is not always screwed on straight enough for many folks. Will go back and reread this blog after posting....maybe I have said something that will be of help to myself. Having an unusually (why the qualifier?) challenging time the last week or so. Understanding addiction, understanding trauma, understanding patterns... all the knowledge and education I have seem useless. Power and powerlessness. Keeping and using power for the benefit and nurturing of self... Can be an incredibly daunting (perhaps unwanted?~say it isn't so) process when a lifetime of conditioning has created a survivor's behavioral pattern that is seriously messed up (more judgement) from any perspective in which It was not created. rescuing-victimized-persecuting-providing-surviving sometimes many behaviors/thoughts in one mere moment, or breath, or blink of an eye. I am aware of my propensity to perceive myself as unworthy, undeserving, unable. I am aware that these perceptions are flawed and likely lies. There are situations and times where I am so completely lost to my inner real self that it seems I intentionally disconnect and choose harm (smoking for many years and currently eating). GIVING away my power. rollover, show your belly = give up This is a choice~ conscious or unconscious...THIS IS A CHOICE. I "woke up" to what I have chosen (and have been choosing for longer than I can pin point) for my body, mind and heart..... and realized, again, ....that coping and thriving are not in the same hemisphere. Well, well, well, If it isn't the consequences of my own actions... (stolen from a fb thing I saw) Having difficulty finding the place where the beliefs that support my dreams reside and where the gumption, guts, and can do attitude have gone. Hoping YOU are having a miracle and gratitude filled day. All manner of wonderful things to you. Okay, upon review of the blog...I haven't provided myself with much in the wayof re-acquaintance or new insight. YOU my lovely Quit Train people have utilized the comments to provide me with seeing the journey in new ways and tons of encouragement. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would like to keep this quit. Just need to keep doing what was working in the start. Keep close to QT, gratitude, be active. I am somehow afraid to use the SOS system. Have talked myself out of it a few times. What's up with that? self sabotage? Have reviewed the handy red flag remedy...think again, get right with myself, call an ally, post an S.O.S. and am finding I choose not to do anything on the list. grateful to be on the train even if I am feeling like this, when I know it is like

Well done AK....keeping your quit! hoping a celebration found you!

Hey Steve...Congratulations! 6 months is huge. WAY TO BLOOM!

Glad you are on to week two!

Hi AK, So glad your ride on the Quit Train is clicking along. Way to