darcy

Hi AK, So glad your ride on the Quit Train is clicking along. Way to

Will be glad to see you upon your return. Be safe.

Yay you, Kate18! Keeping your quit...cruising along into 2 months of FREEDOM.

nope

-12

Been a long week since I touched base here. Still on the train. Had a few times where I almost (purse in hand and headed for the car) went to buy cigarettes, ended up doing something different. Turns out I seem to be an awful bitch...didn't realize how often I used a cigarette to stop myself from speaking. lol, or cry. Course, I am used to being of service to my community and working some, so perhaps (I hope) the bitchiness isn't entirely the real me under the addiction.... and may be related to the changes the world is going through. Still, like to think I'd show up as a kinder, wiser, more giving human. nope....in all ways. Been away from the boards due to my pessimistic bent. The QT is a wonderful place for support and commitment....an a poor place for powerlessness and commitment ambiguity. Excited about spring and gardening. Got to drive the tractor (maybe the 2nd time I have driven one) to go get the mulch for the flower beds. Fun riding up high in the spring sun. Even more fun mulching with the tractor bucket....talk about easy! Killed my tomato sprouts by putting them out too long in the spring air. Live and learn. I hope. I am uncertain about my quit. There continues to be the feeling that it is temporary. Junkie thoughts, yes I hear them. It has been true that I am committed to little in this world and may lack some inherent ability, desire or just plain integrity to truly be dedicated to anything, least of all myself and loving myself. I just keep hearing these doubts circling...sometimes very vaguely, other times 'get the keys we're going cuz you know you smoke'. I recently went through several nights of horrible dreams related to past painful events, awakening scared, heart hammering, angry and crying. Still FREE today. For that I am grateful. dancing in the dark

Owls never snicker.

Addiction isn't always an easy fix. Most of us have significant portions of our lives DEDICATED to being an addict. There are few things in my life I claim equal or greater dedication to. Sad and true. Whatever it takes.... keep quitting. sleep. cry. post on these boards. shower 20 times a day. sit with the crave. breathe. make mocking jokes of the crave. I believe if you were to write a list of things you LOVE about smoking it would be brief and mostly filled with addiction junkie thinking lies. Sadly. we can easily succumb to the junkie lies and give our power to the drug. Slavery to nicotine.....days managed around the smoke, wages tithed religiously to make the manufacturer wealthy, time away from anything we hold dear that we keep away from the smoke, all the resource power of managing the time and the scent and the social ramifications, the self loathing, the wondering if this is the one that kills me.....good times, right? It is really a matter of claiming your power and choosing to keep it. When coming from a conditioned long stint of giving our power away to a drug, it can seem weird to be accountable to the control of our own selves. that is FREEDOM. enjoy your FREEDOM, AK. use this space for support.

-11

Hello dullyboi, Glad you're here on the Quit Train. Congratulations on your quit! The headaches....I found that HYDRATING, almost continuously, helped loads.

nope

-7

I am here ...

-3

nope

helmithermit...enjoy the off grid and nature a pleasure meeting you and will be gad to see you again..

It has been over a month of FREEDOM. I am grateful for the quit. Been pondering commitment and lack of it. Been pondering the ways I have hidden. Been less than pondering the many ways I have healed and moved forward, co-created incredible things and journeyed with some incredible souls. Be useful to spend some time pondering those things. Giant thank you to: Sazerac Jillar Forestgreen Jordan Doreen the companionship, words and resources bring much hope. Again, thank you. ...and all the people on the train who chime in and show up. Thank you!! So the last few days I have been "off". Mostly don't even think about smoking, until.... a small crave here and there. Too tired...a crave. Stressed a crave.... find I am doing just what I did when I did smoked. Distract myself from whatever the situation is with the next thing. Likely healthier and sturdier to examine what is going on and meet the underlying need, yet habit is habit and I distract. so easy to toss off the important stuff.... Had a HUGE short, with small intense after squalls, cigarette tantrum yesterday. I was stowing winter gear. Checked the pocket of a dress coat and found an almost full pack and a lighter. Was already befuddled and discontent with several things and my responses to them. Tossed the pack and lighter aside and continued stowing things as I loudly declared, " Are you fing serious?" My eyes were drawn to the familiar pack, repeatedly. Just the feeling of the pack in my hand as I had pulled them from the pocket was seductive and familiar and deadly. Luckily for me, my guy was here too. He heard me from across the house and came to investigate. He took them and broke them and flushed them. I did go find him once I was done with the box I was stowing and asked for the pack. Luckily they were already gone. So back to that commitment ponderance, again. Still on the train. Grateful for the quit. Hope this sticky quit is real.

nope

NOPE

on hiatus. still on train.

-4

Thanks you all for the acknowledgement and encouragement. You are truly a fabulous group of people!!

observations 6, 7, and 0 resonating with me... thanks for sharing the log hh.

NOPE

30 days today. Acknowledging the milestones. RAWR Have been grateful to not consider my demise with every breath or drag....so many breaths or drags not reek and not plan how not to reek wake slowly not avoid kissing my guy because I reek manage my time around smoking spend money on cigarettes be nicotine free