MLMR

Kate, whishing you all the best from The rainy Netherlands. I admire you for researching your health/food, putting the poster on your fridge (I did the same with a letter, but for a different reason). My mental health is improving and I am really starting to experience a new calm. I believe quitting makes the mess in my head easier to bear, proof is piling up especially for the last couple of weeks. I whish the same for you and I know you can do this, despite everything. I bet you are a strong person. Hang in there!

Shit JB, sorry to hear that. Give yourself a firm kick in the butt and get back on track. You had one of the best reasons for quitting Ive read here so far: you want to be able to laugh without choking (and something with 'retard' but I dont know the exact context when you said that so nevermind). Oh and, please let me know when you "decide" to become a smoker again, ill send you one of these awfull Nickelback cigaret boxes! Hey, this is not what you want. Quit it.

Eight months done and dusted. Its been 25°C for some days now, probably too hot for this time of the year. I am so happy that it doesnt affect me at all: it means I did a good job dealing with these craves last summer, when I quit. In terms of seasonal triggers, I think I am safe to say Ive had the worst. Pretty uplifting idea! Time is starting to speed up. I dont know how to describe it, but thoughts of smoking are turning into soft whispers in the background and the days that I hardly think about it are adding up. Its facinating, because I know Ive been working towards this and yet it strikes me as, well, relief? That it really was true, what everyone here said? And that it also works for me..? Working on it, fighting for it, studying on it, all that hard work is starting to really, really pay off now. More and more I am able to let go of holding on to quitting, if that makes sense. Ofcourse I could make a giant list of pro's, but right now these are the most important: * I saved money for more than half a piano (hence the picture). * I save and still have extra money to spend in daily life, which makes me feel more independant. * I feel so much better physicaly, its shocking. * I take care of myself way better. What started as time biding and routine changing, became daily rituals: making ginger tea instead of coffee in the morning, tooth picking/brushing 3 times a day and discovering all sorts of new toothpaste, deep breathing (only managed to do that since i was at 6+ months. So glad I kept trying, its brilliant) and last but not least: slowing down when I am tired, mourning when I experience loss and need to proces and cheering myself up when I know thats what I gotta do (I used to be the person to sít in my sadness, put on Nick Drake and drown myself in it). I really hope this helps you, if youre struggeling at the moment. Things will be better. Every day, even every minute is part of the bigger story. You WILL feel good again, you WILL feel proud eventually and you are doing this for a reason. Cling to it, write it down. Do what you need to, when you need to do it and know that there is never ever a genuine reason why you could not become a nonsmoker.

@Tammy, congratulations on 10! I love that you mention your 'commitment to yourself', thats what ultimately will get you, me and everyone else through. The end of that first year is coming close now!

Thanks a lot! Things are finally, finally calming down. It helped me to spend some less time here, deliberately focussing on other things than quitting. Smoking/quitting is fading to the background and moodswings are balancing out. I do have my moments (just got home from a nice weekend in sunny Germany and I really had to sit for 10' to enjoy the silence of my own house and to realise the slight unease I felt was normal and had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with craving). I am so grateful for the simple passing of time, and for learning to trust the proces. To me, that might just be the most important side reward of quitting. Picture I took when I visited the SS Rotterdam three weeks ago (just for coffee ). The sign hit me, couldnt explain to my friend why! But you guys know!

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I am so sorry for you. I dont know what to say, except that I whish you all the strength and wisdom to deal with this. I admire you for keeping your quit. Thats mighty strong. Please come back here when you need it.

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Linda, congrats on your super quit! How are you doing?

You interpret that as desire, while in reality its your junkie brain talking. Got to rewire and change brain patterns. You are doing so since today, congrats!

@Mona, im not sure if writing an sos is asking people to hold my hand. I think its about making space for myself, acknoledging that I am in a bad place. So far, it helped and I can recommend it. Since ten days ago, as you quoted, I still came here almost every day. Tried to conciously choose what to read and what not, instead of mindlessly consuming all thats on the board. Some days were better than others. Its been like that since the start and thats ok. I find this proces a remarkable one, were the differences in my perception, faith, strength can vary very strongly, even from day to day. Ive had many highs, and they are just as 'true' as the lows. Even with yesterday on my mind, I dare say I am strong in my quit and I believe I will make it to that first year lido deck. (And by saying strong in my quit, I dont mean reckless!) As for cheering on newbies, I have reasons for not always doing that. Sometimes I do, sometimes I dont. I think everybody has their own way here, right? I whish you strength in your own quit, do you keep a diary or something? I might just drop a line now and then

@sgt.barney right on. I believed for half a day there that quitting actually took something away. What was I thinking Thats hardcore junkie stuff. The real deal.

@jillar I take meds occasionally. When I have a really busy week, or in case its super extra ultra inconvenient.. but i find theyre addictive and they mess up my sleep. Besides, how awfull this all may be, I still convince myself I can grow through it. Meds dont help with that. The strange thing is, I am not really concerned about what other people think. Not in day to day life.. i have a pretty well developed side in me thats all about, hey whatever, lets all just be nice and dont mind each other that much. You are ok, I am ok. Unless one of us is being a m.f. ofcourse. But when anxiety hits... its like I am suddenly covered in a big black cloak of judgemental thinking. It can trigger extreme thoughts and fears and usually when it happens, I hate myself for it (just to make matters worse). It can last ten minutes, or two days... often totally unpredictable. I recently discovered Tiffany Jenkins, from 'Juggling the Jenkins'. A former addict, mother of 3 and dealing with depression and anxiety. She has some hilarious sketches, I love the way she is able to use humor on such dark subjects. People like her give me hope and make it lighter.

THANKS for this. Seeing these things would be bliss, right now I am mainly glad that the worst part is over. There must be a moment in the future where i realise all that. I went to the beach and took a long walk. After that, I drove to a nearby park and walked for another hour or so. Back home I wrote myself a letter, about how far Ive come and that there are better times ahead. Put in on my fridge. Thanks @Doreensfree for telling me to stay close. It helped me a big deal. @Ankush, you are right about the exercize tips. I still take daily walks to release tension. I never thought of exercize in relation to grieving. Will concider it. @babs609, that is true. About rewiring and certain reactions to life because of having smoked for such a long time. I tend to forget that I am 'only' at seven months... I always feel like it should be done by now... ok so it doesnt work like that. And @Paul723, I really, really try to believe you. Yet, I have changed since quitting. Sure, lot of it is good..but i dont always like this new me. I really try to have faith in the proces and I keep telling myself that I am not there yet... and that I will like myself again, sooner or later...

@notsmokinjo im sorry, my previous reaction may have come across as ungrateful. I dont mean it like that. I know you mean well and you are probably right. Everything is a bit blurry here and i can become bitchy when i am actually a bit mad with myself. Again, no offence.

Ofcourse i know that... But, tell it to that part of my brain thats home to a nasty stinkin green smelly monster! Trust me, if it were that easy, just being satisfied with what I have achieved (which is, if you ask me, way below what I am able to)... And thats dawning more and more. These moodswings and anxiety problems have robbed me from so many things, since I was a kid. I am grieving and coming to terms with what I could have become/done etc. Yes I know, could have should have would have doesnt bring anywhere. Well, time to put some loud music on and clean the cats toilet. At least i am 4 hours away from where this morning got me

Thanks both for bucking me up. I am still hanging in. Honestly dont know how. @notsmokinjo, expectations that are beyond realistic. I dont conciously put myself up to meet them, it happens all under the surface. I have only so much room to deal with them... it really is a bitter pill to swallow, that it has become worse. I even have it here, i am am often terrified what people will think. Its crippling, really. But from time to time i have to write, to protect my quit. I know fear is a concept and i know I generate it myself. Thats the most frustrating part. I sure hope to find my confident self soon enough.

I know that this is life. I keep telling myself that. And that its ok to hurt. And smoking wont make a hell of a difference. Well yes it would, it would make me hate myself. And thats the least i should want right now. I really had good hope anxiety would keep diminishing. But its not and i am so disappointed. I aimed for that to happen. And now i find myself dealing with it almost every day again. This ongoing terror voice of how i will never ever be able to reach expectations. I try to meditate, to breath deep, to laugh about it, whatever. I am so so so done with that, yet I dont see how it will ever subside. It ruins my day, my work, my relations.

I am so tired of fighting!! I miss my old self, the way I pushed through when i was anxious, I had more flair, I laughed way more. I want all of that back. Its like I am losing ons thing after another. Friend died, love troubles, work which doesnt fullfill me anymore. And I debunked al the smokey thoughts, I studied and learned, kept believing and reaching out and all for... What?! I. Just. Want. To. Be. Ok. And. At. Peace. And. Not. Have. This. Giant. Self. Doubt. Shit

Didn't think I would need this part of the board again, yet here I am. There's just too much sh*t going on again. My whole being believes smoking will give me my sense of self back, my confidence. Like, then at least I have something thats mine and mine alone, to fall back on. I dont get how after all this time and after all the highs this thing still can be so overwhelmingly present. I dont have ammo ready and that scares the crap out of me. I should know better by now, NOPE is my ammo and its at my service, 24 hrs a day. These are just... emotions. They will pass. Arghh arghhh arghhh!!!!!

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