February 12, 20197 yr Kind of related to Doreen's joke - I used to know this guy who told me he thought his name was Jesus Christ. I asked why and he said, "Every time I go to the liquor store, they say, "Jesus Christ are you back again?!"
February 16, 20197 yr G'day When I die I'd like to pass away likely grandfather did.... Peacefully in his sleep. I'd hate to die like his passenger... Screaming in terror.
February 19, 20197 yr Author Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical factory. 'Just a couple of questions, have you worked with chemicals before Paddy' asks the interviewer. 'Sure I have' replies Paddy. 'Good, so you know what nitrate is' then they reply. 'Arrrgh that's an easy one' says Paddy, 'It's time and a third'.
February 24, 20197 yr Author Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s? ”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean “’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
February 24, 20197 yr Author Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!" Murphy replied, "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!" Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!" They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killin'me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub
February 26, 20197 yr True story...I couldn't make this shit up..... The following is a conversation overheard between the Kid and Me Dad.... Dad: hey kid, you're good at the science stuff aren't ya? Kid: um, nah-yeah. Why? Dad: Well I know there are 2 moons but I'm just not sure if there is one sun or two? Kid: for real? Dad: Yeah, are there 2 suns? Kid: No grandad there are 3, but ones invisible. Kid goes inside... Kid: Grandma are you putting drugs in grandad's cuppas?
February 28, 20197 yr G’day 1. My goal for 2019 was to lose just 2 kilo's. Only 3 to go. 2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza. 3. How to prepare Tofu: a. Throw it in the trash b. Grill some meat 4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web. 5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes. 6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it. 7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel. 8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me. 9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither. 10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this. 11. I love being over 60. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others. 12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him. 13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day. 14. November 6, 2019 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 2 kilo's on Saturday night. 15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed. Chris
March 6, 20197 yr 25 minutes ago, jillar said: Mitch was one of the greatest of all-time. Thanks for posting that.
March 11, 20197 yr Author Paddy gets a letter through the letterbox and it lands on the floor. In big bold letters on the front it says 'DO NOT BEND'. Paddy's still there wondering how he's going to pick it up. Paddy is walking down the street eating a bag of doughnuts, he meets Murphy who says 'can I have a doughnut if i can guess how many is in the bag?'. 'If you get it right you can have both of them' replies Paddy. 'Is there 4' answers Murphy.
March 11, 20197 yr Paddy gets a letter through the letterbox and it lands on the floor. In big bold letters on the front it says 'DO NOT BEND'. Paddy's still there wondering how he's going to pick it up.
March 12, 20197 yr 14 hours ago, notsmokinjo said: Jesus christ they do not have "cankles", they have "thighkles" Their head and neck are one in the same which my room mate and call a "Heck" I bet they have busy lives though, you can just tell they have a lot on their plates. HAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
March 13, 20197 yr On 3/10/2019 at 6:09 PM, Cbdave said: GdayG’day I've told this joke to five people, changing wife to sister, and they cracked up and didn't know it was a joke until I told them lol
March 13, 20197 yr Jillar if that did happen, the aftermath would be NO joke. Someone would be getting their ass beat.
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