I realize I can't ask for your advice, it would be unfair. However can I ask what you would do if you found yourself in my situation.

 

My mother and I have always had an emotional relationship. In a nutshell I stayed after finding out I was pregnant with Milly and due to marry because she told me she would be alone. She continues to play the victim card periodically.

 

It has become apparent since I quit that my ability to bury my head in the sand is not possible. My mother says she is the same, I have changed and this is true. I cared for her (properly actually) for years, she continues to abuse me verbally whenever she feels like it, she does not accept this is true, telling me she can say what she wants, I'm being sensitive or any excuse basically to continue to say what she likes. Often deliberately. She interupts me telling my children off to basically insult my parenting. I get called all kinds of things, bully, lazy, intimidating, c word, menopausal bitch, etc etc. 

 

I gave up about a month ago. Basically said I couldn't live like this anymore. I was happy for her to live here, and be her carer or not...but our mother daughter relationship was damaged beyond repair. I want to be clear I could have been nastier but I didn't pull my punches either. She has been convinced I am trying to kick her out ever since...to be clear I just don't want the unending shit advice about what a wanker I am, or chris is..or how I'm this that and the other. She is rude and manipulative. 

 

Yesterday she caused a row in the car with the kids there, saying I need to move because she's unhappy. I told her she was welcome to but I was staying here due to kids being settled. That itdidn't need to be an argument, I was happy for her to do either. She kinda let it drop.

 

Today my kids are being swines. They are from time to time. Bella refused to do something so I told her to do it or lose her new toy (harsh, but bella is the "pushing" age and I need to establish ground I think). She came in all nan in shining armour...won't back off, telling me in front of bella I'm this that and the other. I tell her to back off, that I'm no longer interested...she went mad.

 

Screaming she's taken legal advice, she can stay in the house and I can't do anything about it. Swearing and cursing, I was bad and retaliated verbally, it wasn't pretty but I'm sick to death of being abused and saying nothing to keep the peace until I end up so wound up that I blow!  That said, she has nowhere to go! She is also a little unhinged. She continues to smoke occasionally in the house, is disrepectful and demands stuff gets done.

 

I Don't know what to do anymore. I barely sleep, I feel sick a lot and it makes my craves really strong for the last month...which is bothering me.

 

Would you try and seek some proper mediation from say a carer's club or doctors etc. Relinquish carer duties and hope getting a job and being not together so much calms things down. Or pursue seperating for good. 

God Marti I'm soo sorry for what you are going through, her undermining you and treating you like shit to in front of your kids is ******* bang out of order,

She is depressing you and dangerous hun, she's ruining your life, yes she's your mother but seriously we only get one shot at life why suffer soo much??

 

Clearly the best is for her to move out, why can't your other sister take over and move her in with her now, fair is fair, she's not just your mother,

 

Ye should have flung her off a rocket in florida! !!!

Feel for ye pet I really really do, very hard position to be put in but you and your babies have to be your priority and she's too poisonous for your girls.

No harm giving mediation a go but nobody would blame you for chucking her out.

 

I can't understand why your sister isn't doing her fair share????

 

Xxxxxxxxxxxxx

You know my stance on your "mother".

Your parenting is not harsh in my opinion, you need to establish authority. Hell if you're harsh than I am Lucifer.

I would be looking for a nursing home for Psycho McCrazy because noone else wants her and you shouldn't have to deal with her abuse.

I will be back later when I am on my computer to give you a proper response.

Marti you asked so I will say

 

In your shoes I would talk to the council and tell them that the relationship has broken down and she can no longer stay there, they will look at getting her into accommodation

 

You cannot and should not live like that anymore, your girls are at an impressionable age and if they see her disrespecting you in the next few years they will to when hormones kick in, this is your time to make a stand and show them that that behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated

 

Just because she is your mum that does not give her a licence to be a bitch to you and your family that is just not fair!

 

You gave it your best shot no one can say you didn't but now is your time to think of yourself, Chris and the girls living like that is not good for any of you it's toxic

 

Ask your siblings if they are prepared to take her on if the answer is no then make steps to rehome her, your council is your best bet to start with and to advise you

 

Good luck hun xxx

.

Marti, I have to agree with the others. Your mother's disrespect and hostility toward you is harmful to you, to Chris and especially to your daughters. I grew up in a hostile, argumentative household like you are describing and I never recovered my ability to trust people. Don't do that to your kids. If your mother is that unpleasant, you shouldn't try to force your siblings to take her, either. She is toxic-- get rid of her.

 

Your mother is not going to change. Stop trying. Put your children and yourself first and get your mother out. I don't know how you do that in England. Here in the States we could go to the county department of aging services and say that Mom needs a placement. I guess in England you call that a local council. Talk to them about living options and about the legalities of getting her out (since she brought up the legal aspects, you need to protect yourself with correct information). 

 

Tell her she has until January 31 to find other living accommodations. If you want, you can go through the newspaper and find a place for her-- often widows will rent out one room in a house which is inexpensive. She can take what you found for her or find her own accommodations. If the council says that they have a 6-month waiting list, your mother will have to find alternative accommodations for those 6 months; she is not going to stay with you for 6 months awaiting a council placement. Don't fight with her about it, don't try to please her, don't find her more than one option-- if she doesn't like what you found for her, she can find her own place. Just tell her what her time limit is and don't get sucked into any more drama. Don't tell her this part, but come February 1, put her possessions outside and change the locks. If you have siblings and they are supportive of you (i.e., they don't want to take mother in, either) perhaps you and your siblings can all meet with mother and explain to her what is going to happen. Solidarity and all that.

 

But, really, it is NOT healthy for anyone in your family to live this way. Please don't do this to your children! Develop the guts to direct your mother to social services, find one alternative placement for her, and then change the locks on February 1. That is my advice.

Oh, Marti, I am so very, very sorry you are going through this...you do not deserve it.  You are a strong, beautiful woman and you just can't let her poison ruin life for you, Chris and your girls.  I agree with all the other posters.

Aww marti sweetheart...my heart breaks for you...

As you know I am tony,s full time carer...he needs me for everything....

I carnt imagine doing all that hard work ,just for him to treat me disrespectful...and makes things much harder than they are...

If the time ever comes we're i just couldn't cope ...I would have to find the alternative....

It's different for me because he is my hubby.....

We all have a point ..where it just becomes impossible .....

You have your own family to look after....they have to come first......

My kids are adults ...but if they were younger it would be a different story here.....

You are only one person....and have done your best....

You carnt do any more than that....but your health and your life has to come first....

I understand one hundred per cent....

Hugs to you

Xxxx

Look after yourself and your girls first.  Other wise you will be 50 and still having the same shit.  I know that after a while they just grind you down.  Tell your sisters it's too much for you and get them to help with the decision.  It's ok to let go.  I understand how you feel and my heart go's out to you.  I will be thinking of you.  

Sorry to hear that you are going through this - it is utter bull shat if you ask me - my soon to be ex-wife has been dealing with the same verbal/mental abuse from her mom her entire life - it is one of the reasons that led to me to decide to leave my marriage (there are plenty more) -but I no longer wanted to be around it - and we only saw the wicked outlaw once in a while - I couldn't imagine every day. I agree with DD on the parenting thing I would have been locked up in comparison - Wendy is on point too - you have to demand respect and your mom has to know once and for all that she is Nan not Mom so her opinions do not matter when it comes to your parenting - kids will act up and get their asses kicked for it (or at least threatened and punished) grown ass adults can either get on board with the changes or get the hell out in my opinion.

Either way - I give you credit for putting up with it as long as you did - I truly hope it gets better - you beat smoking so I know you are strong enough to end this abuse. Good Luck - I will keep you in my prayers!

XXXX

Martine... alot of long responses... great I am sure... but today I am wayyyyyyy to lazy to read.

 

My advice... be happy.. you only live once.  

 

Sounds like you need a change to be happy... change.

 

Keep on keepin on.

Tough Marti tough.

 

Straight shooting from me/

 

You coping with "her crankiness" and 'shielding' your sisters is all well and good - but it is now not just you paying the price.

 

As sisters together, you need to agree what options there are for managing your Mother's care.

 

Then together - you need to implement a plan. It sounds like the only option might be a care home - but you all need to arrive at that conclusion.

 

Really tough - but you do not deserve this type of treatment and you need to take some professional advice.

Dear Marti,

We really must be secret twins. Had a Mom just like yours, if not worse. Had no siblings so took care of her until she died at 93.

Nearly ruined my marriage and definitely hurt some of the best years of our lives.

DO NOT DO THIS!!!!!

 

I know all the guilt and responsibility feelings, but you owe it to Chris and especially to your girls, to take care of THEM first. You don't need to never see your Mom again, but you do need to separate her from your life and for your girls.

 

Be strong, for them!

Loads of love and hugs to you,

Karen

Marti sweetie, thinking of you.  I can't advise as I don't have experience with a mom really, but no one should be able to treat you like that.

I would make sure whatever you decide, clear boundaries as set, you are not her punching bag.

Marti...You do what is best for you and your daughters.  Sometimes when we are in a situation for too long, it becomes harder and harder to dig ourselves out.  The sooner, the better.   I don't know what your mom's options are or what is available.  Ask for help from family or elder services.  Do what you can to make sure your mom is in an appropriate environment and don't feel guilty.  You've taken care of your mom for a long time without any help.  As parents, we have a responsibility to do what is best for our children.  

 

As you can see by previous posts, mother problems are probably more common than you think.  I am closer with my grandmother than my mother, though I love her dearly cannot live with.  Lots of hostility, primarily due to my parenting choices and her inability to see a disability as anything but a parent's fault.  As long as I keep her at arms length, we get along just fine.  

 

My point is probably not coming across too clearly lol.  You can set healthy boundaries without being the bad guy.  You should not feel guilty for setting boundaries with your mom.  It's important also to show your daughters too how you can deal with hostile personalities without sacrificing your self-worth.  

 

http://tinybuddha.com/blog/create-emotional-freedom-by-setting-healthy-boundaries/

Marti I echo everyones sentiments about having her leave and being cared for in a different setting by someone other than you. It sounds like a very toxic situation. My late step -mother was a undiagnosed bipolar women, you never knew what and when she would lose her mind on stupid crap. She pushed alot of family away by her behavior, part of the reason I was able to move 300 miles away from where I grew up was that it meant that there was more distance between me and her. 

 

I think you should look (or tell her to look into) alternative carers or places for her to go for care...you should not have to deal with that shit in your life.

Thank you for your thoughts and for those people who messaged me. I rarely say a lot as I hate the pity party and for the most part, I am able to rise above it or calm things before they escalate. SO I am comfortable that whilst my girls have seen the odd argument, they don't feel the full force of the crazy that is.

 

I have always assumed I am part responsible as in causing things. I can be very combative, but because I feel peed off with it, I am not like it with anyone else. I think I've recognised that now. 

 

However, things are not straightforward. She has rights apparently. I'm not sure what they are but if itcomes to me having to leave this house and take another to make her homeless, or apply to a court to evict my own mother...well I don't feel ideal about that, quite apart from those things take time. So I will take some advice I think.

 

That said, I needed to hear that this wasn't right, so thank you. I get very caught up in the guilt of what I should be doing and that needs to stop now so I can view things sensibly. 

 

x

Who owns the house/residence and where do you live? In the long run, eviction proceedings are cheap here in the States if she refuses to leave.

 

Sarge makes nice with his mother twice a year at Christmas and Thanksgiving for the sake of the rest of the family. Other than that, the c_nt can rot in hell as far as he's concerned. She is inhuman in her levels of ignorance, stupidity, rudeness, and lives for one goal: to put others "in their place" (below her station, of course - nobody's worthy of being up there but her.)

 

It's not the end of the world to lose a Mother that's not worth having in the first place.

 

 

 

Easy Peasy

((( Marti ))) - looks like you have already got great advice - so I will just suggest you get your own legal advice and also say - you need to put you and yours first even if that means causing your mum some problems -. Sending positive thoughts your way sweetie xx

Marti you asked so I will say

In your shoes I would talk to the council and tell them that the relationship has broken down and she can no longer stay there, they will look at getting her into accommodation

You cannot and should not live like that anymore, your girls are at an impressionable age and if they see her disrespecting you in the next few years they will to when hormones kick in, this is your time to make a stand and show them that that behaviour is not acceptable and will not be tolerated

Just because she is your mum that does not give her a licence to be a bitch to you and your family that is just not fair!

You gave it your best shot no one can say you didn't but now is your time to think of yourself, Chris and the girls living like that is not good for any of you it's toxic

Ask your siblings if they are prepared to take her on if the answer is no then make steps to rehome her, your council is your best bet to start with and to advise you

Good luck hun xxx

Marti I so agree here and I am deeply saddened for what you are going through. Without knowing all the details my piece of advise is to take care of and protect your children and yourself. She is your mother and you wish her well but you don't have to like her as a person because you share the same genes. It took me a long time to really believe that....XX

Marti-

 

Obviously, this will be a very difficult transition for you mentally, financially and perhaps legally. But please don't use the excuse of "oh, she's not really so bad" or "the kids don't know what's happening" in order to avoid making the tough choices. That is exactly what my mother told herself about staying with a drunken abusive husband-- he's not so bad, it's not every day, and most of the fights are at night so the kids don't know how bad it is. Yes, it was that bad and, yes, we kids did know. To this day, the one thing my 90-year-old mother regrets in her life was not leaving my father when the children were young. She now knows how we were all damaged. 

 

Your OP was not an exaggeration-- it was honest and heartfelt. Every single person here concluded that her behavior is toxic and that you need to get your family away from her. No matter how scary, guilt-ridden or legally tricky it is, don't chicken out. 

I rent, the lease is in my name, however I get money from the council for what's effectively "her part" of the rent. I have an appointment booked for the 30th to talk things through with my benefits advisor (as I am her registered carer too, it's all very interlinked).

 

I'm not saying it's not the right thing to seperate Chrys, my initial thoughts and you guys thoughts match. But I'm not going to steam in unknowingly and it's still my Mum at the end of the day. I know she has big credit card bills etc and I want to hold my head high for myself to be honest. She will think I'm scum no matter what initially...but I need to live with the how's of doing this.

 

My family don't help. One sister moved to Florida and the other offered to give me a "day off" once a month mid this year...so far 2 days out which weren't whole days... Now the same sister has a house without a downstairs toilet so no extra time there.

 

I promise that I am very in touch with my kids and their feelings. They will more likely miss their Nan then notice the issues.

Oh Marti.... only just seeing this.  So glad that you are reaching out to us, and so very sorry to hear about your troubles with your mum.  I have to agree with everyone here - your life, Chris's life and the lives of your children come before your mothers.  She CHOOSES to be horrible to you, and it doesn't sound like anything will change the way she behaves towards you.  The things you have done and sacrificed to care for her are amazing, but it sounds like your mum thinks it is your 'duty' to do this, which it most certainly is not.

 

You are a very special person Marti, and you need to make sure that you look out for number 1 from time to time. 

 

Despite all of the problems, I wish you and your girls a very Merry Christmas xxx

Pillow over her face till she quits kicking. Then roll her out of bed and place a dresser on her chest. Call police and complain she scratched the floor while moving the furniture

Ps I went in army a18 so I didn't have to listen to mother anymore. Signed up at 17, almost a year before I left. I knew I would still rely on her if in college. I speak to her, she lives in another state so easy to avoid long conversations and holidays are only time we get together. Think she sent 2 letters while I was away for 41/2 years. No hard feelings. We just don't see things the same and I don't need approval or lack of. Think last time she said something about my truck keys hanging off my belt like I was a janitor. Really. That's all you got old lady. How anyone lives under another adult is beyond me. My brother in law is king window licker. 53 at home in basement. Argues with father in law ten times a day but won't move out. Keep licking

 

Father left at 13. Last spoke at grandmothers funeral. He and uncle were bragging that their kids don't like them and whole family belongs on jerry springer show. I told them they were reason and would gladly take the two of them outside for an ass kicking if I heard it again. 6 marriages and kids to all them and nobody speaks.

Father saw my oldest at 2. He is 27 now. Never seen my 22 year old. Called two years ago, sister gave my number. Left message. Deleted it and never looked back. No time to be nice 30 years ago, go die alone.