October 27, 20178 yr An old man and his wife are driving down the road. The old man says: this road we're driving on, I paved the asphalt on this road. But of course nobody remembers that. The old man continues: those sidewalks over there, I poured the concrete for those sidewalks. But of course nobody remembers that. The old man says: you see that building over there, I did most of the masonry work on that building. But of course nobody remembers that. The old man shakes his head and sighs: but, you screw one sheep...
November 18, 20178 yr this one reminds me of where i work - these two guys are sitting at the bar and one nudges the other and says "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?" About that time, this lady taps him on the shoulder and says, "You see the woman over there? She is a martial artist and blonde. The one at the end of the bar is a pro boxer and is blonde. Over by the restrooms, she is a cop and also blonde. And me, I am the bouncer and you see I am blonde. Now, do you still want to tell that blonde joke?" He says, "Not really, i do not feel like explaining the joke four times.
November 18, 20178 yr What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire???? See you next month!
December 5, 20178 yr 16 hours ago, Sirius said: Have you met Uncle Rob? Listening to Skynyrd and blowing some shit up...good times!
December 7, 20178 yr How do you you breakup two blind men from fighting? ...... Yell out my moneys on the one with the knife. Edited December 7, 20178 yr by BAT
December 7, 20178 yr Remember when that movie Brokeback Mountain came out? I had a few friends who saw it in the theater but didn't even pay to go in. Instead, they sneaked in the back door.
February 28, 20188 yr A guy is at the bar drinking with his friends. He has a bit too much and throws up. There's vomit all down the front of his shirt. He says: Oh man, how am I going to explain this to my wife? His friend says: Tell her you only stopped in for one drink and some drunk guy threw up on you. Say that he gave you $10.00 to make amends. The drunk guy says: That's a good idea and takes a ten dollar bill out of his wallet and puts in his shirt pocket. He goes home and tells his wife the story: "look for yourself, the money is right there in my pocket!" She reaches in and pulls out a twenty dollar bill and says: "I thought you said he only gave you ten dollars." And the guy says: Yeah, but he also shit in my pants.
February 28, 20188 yr Does it count if its a true story.... 2am Monday morning the phone rings, call id says its the parentals... best answer now I'm awake... nsj: "yes dad?" ... cos mum wouldn't be up at that time nsj's dad: "Oh good your up. I've got a problem" nsj: "what's wrong" (kinda worried as the he aint the healthiest) nsj's dad: "I need you to take me to the hospital" nsj: "I'm on me way, but ring a bloody ambulance. What's wrong" (as I head to get up the kid and throw her in the car because she can't be home alone) nsj's dad: "welll I have a runny nose and 'the google' told me it might be the plague" nsj: "Sorry bubs, go back to sleep, Grandad's just being a goose.... Dad I'm hanging up now AND when I come over tonight I'm disconnecting the wifi for a week because 'the google' does not know everything and you do not have the plague" nsj's dad: "How do you know, I think I'll call a ambulence" nsj: "Go to flippin bed you drongo. You live in Melbourne Australia and the chances that you have the plague are buckleys and none." (nearly bought smokes over that one)
February 28, 20188 yr It is not uncommon for old people to look up ailments and suddenly think they have some wretched disease. My step-dad was kind of weird about stuff like that when i was a kid. We would get cuts or bruises (as kids always do) and he would come up with some horror story about how the bruise may end up being real bad and we might eventually have to get that arm or leg amputated. Of course he would THEN say that we would maybe have to go in every so often to get infection scraped out at the place of the amputation. BTW isn't "the plague" something that wiped out some entire country over in Asia? Oh BTW you should have heard him describe his visits to the dentist. I can summarize - Drilling, pulling, scraping, shots, bleeding, throbbing pain, cutting, tears of pain trickling.... Edited February 28, 20188 yr by Jetblack add junk.
March 3, 20188 yr Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now? A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.
March 4, 20188 yr Q. Why is March women's history month? A. Because it's the only month that tells you what to do Edited March 4, 20188 yr by jillar
March 7, 20188 yr Author What is blue and goes Ding !!! Dong !!!!! A Avon lady in the North Pole ......
March 7, 20188 yr Ok boys an girls its story time with aunty jojo..... lets set the scene: I'm a single mum who works part time and budgets from fortnight to fortnight.... the kid is a few months off 3 and her dad has just stood her up for visitation for the 10th time in a row as we drive past the club (sports club, so a pub with a tote, pokies, resteraunt areas.... she asks through her sobs if we can have dinner at the club. So I know I have $30 in my purse, enough food at hone for 2 days and 4 days to payday but bein a sucka swing iinto the club. Now at one end of the club there is an indoor fountain that the kid calls the wishin well. At the other end of the dining room is our table between us are about 300 upper middle bogans. I order, I pay and we sit ta wait. The kid asks for "a munies a make a wish" I find 20c and of she skips through the resteraunt, singin to herself about goin to make a wish...she toss the coin in the fountain an then I kid you not, she yells at the top of her voice as she skips her way back "Guess wot mummy darlink heart jo-sar-pina, mine maked .a wish. Mine wished you could gets a new boyfend and he could put his peanits in your bagia and I can gets a new bruva or sista"...peeps were chokin on an spittin out food left right an centre. And I couldn't afford ta get up an leave.
March 8, 20188 yr When the kid was little and it was tea time an she didn't wanna eat no more she'd say: "I had enuff" but when she wanted more of somethin she'd say "I haddy more?"
March 8, 20188 yr Q. Why did the polygamist cross the aisle? A. To get to the other bride! Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter? A: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand
March 8, 20188 yr Q. Wot do ya get when ya cross and athiest with a dyslexic? A. A person who doesn't believe in Dog.
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