What did God say ..after creating man ?

 

!! I can do much better !!

A male boss has three female applicants applying for the same promotion.  To gauge their personality, he gives each woman an extra $500 dollars on their next check and makes it look like a clerical error.

 

The first woman spots the error and immediately returns the $500.

 

The second woman rationalizes that she is past due for a raise and keeps the $500.

 

The third woman takes the $500 dollars, invests it, doubles it and keeps $500 for herself and returns the other $500.

 

Which woman gets the promotion?  The one with the biggest boobs.

I was watching some old clips of Rodney Dangerfield on the Tonight Show last night.

 

Back when I was dating my girl said "come over nobody's home."  I went over, nobody was home.

 

My wife says she wants to have sex in the backseat of the car.  She asked me to drive.

 

I told my son: someday you'll have kids of your own.  He said: yeah, so will you.

 

I went to see Dr. Vinny Boombatz, he told me he had three STDs in his office last week, but he's better now.

 

When I was a kid I asked a cop if he could help me find my parents.  He told me there were too many places for them to hide.

 

My father was a stupid man, he worked at the bank and they caught him stealing pens.

 

My wife likes to talk to me during sex.  Last night she called me from a hotel.

I love this thread...so funny...

O.M.G..wet myself ..numpty..

http://youtu.be/tfIPUcoUA9I

A guy says to his new girlfriend...

Since I first laid eyes on you... I've wanted to make love to you badly...

!!well !! ..she replies...you have succeeded...

What do the film's ...The Sixth Sense and The Titanic have in common ?

 

Icey dead people..

Dr. Pavlov is sitting at the bar one night enjoying a beer.  The phone rings and he runs out saying: Oh shit!  I forgot to feed the dogs!

Boo walked into the flower shop..Hi,I would like some flowers for my new girlfriend..

Florist.What do you want

Boo....some sex......

A guy walks into a bar carrying jumper cables..

Bartender says...Buddy,I'll serve you ,but don't start anything ..

Boo walked into the flower shop..Hi,I would like some flowers for my new girlfriend..

Florist.What do you want

Boo....some sex......

 

That one really hit the spot.

Wives. Can't live with them. Can't bury them under the patio

When my girlfriend said she was leaving.. Because she said I had a obsession with the Monkees.

Then I saw her face !!

What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

It doesn't matter, he's not coming.

Two cows are standing in a field....

 

Cow 1..Did you hear about the outbreak of mad cow disease.?

 

Cow 2..Good thing I'm a helicopter...

next time you fart in public .

look at the person next to you and in the deepest voice you can say

now you know the true power of the dark side luke

A bear walks into a restaurant and say’s “I want a grilllllled………………………………………cheese.” The waiter says “Whats with the pause?”

The bear replies “Whaddya mean, I’M A BEAR.”

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his pants, a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender says, “Hey, you’ve got a steering wheel on your pants.”

The pirate says, “Arrrr, I know. It’s driving me nuts.”