December 24, 20187 yr A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. The wife said "Where are you? You know we have lots to do." He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 Years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you." Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied. "Well, I'm in the Hooters right next to it."
January 15, 20197 yr Author A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" "We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.
January 15, 20197 yr Gday i thought this was pretty smart A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons. When his sons opened up the Will it read: My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses; My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses; My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses. As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them. The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought. He brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses. Now, he divided the horses according to their father's will. Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses. 1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses. 1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses. Now add up how many horses they have: Eldest son 9 Middle son 6 Youngest son 2 TOTAL = 17 Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm...... Problem solved!
January 28, 20197 yr Author The Queen takes the visiting pope for a ride in a carriage through London. Suddenly one of the horses farts very loudly. “I am terribly sorry,” apologizes the embarrassed Queen. The pope replies, “Oh don’t worry, if you hadn’t said anything, I’d just think it was the horse!”
January 28, 20197 yr One day little Johnny killed a butterfly and his dad said "little Johnny that's means no butter for a month." A little while later little Johnny killed a honeybee and he's dad said "Little Johnny, you killed a honeybee, no honey for a month". Well a little while later little Johnny's mum killed a cockroach...little Johnny turned to his dad and said "Do you want to tell her or should I?"
January 29, 20197 yr G’day I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.......
February 5, 20197 yr G’day Embarrassing Robbery!! A thief entered a house in mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can kill me also. But please untie the rope and free her.” Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
February 5, 20197 yr Did you know Australians don't have sex, we mate. Edited February 5, 20197 yr by notsmokinjo
February 9, 20197 yr Did you know kangaroos hate the rain? It's because the kids have to play inside.
February 11, 20197 yr On 2/5/2019 at 12:11 AM, Cbdave said: G’day Embarrassing Robbery!! Did you hear about the time Bakon robbed a bank? He tied up the safe and blew the guard.
February 11, 20197 yr Author Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over". So the mortician rolled him over. Seamus looked and said "Nope, it ain't Paddy." The mortician thought that was rather strange and then he brought Sean in to identify the body. Sean took a look at him and said, "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Sean looked down and said, "No, it ain't Paddy." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?" Sean said, "Well, Paddy had two arseholes." "What? He had two arseholes?" asked the mortician. "Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes. Every time we went into town, folks would say, 'Here comes Paddy with them two arseholes....'"
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