March 10, 20188 yr A little boy is out fishin with his grandpa one day and says "hey grandpa, can you talk like a frog?" And the grandpa says "Why sure I can" So the little boy says "Thats great cause my dad says as soon as you croak we get to go to Disneyland!"
March 11, 20188 yr So there's a blonde, a brunette and a red head and they are all interviewing for the same job. At the end of the interview the boss tells them he has 1 final question.. The question he asked all 3 women is "how many D's are in Indiana Jones?"..... The red head answers immediately with " one". The brunette thought about it a few seconds and answered "one". The blonde starred blankly, asked for a own and paper, asked for a calculator then , smiling from ear to ear answered "37...dah-da-da-dah....."
March 13, 20188 yr Have you ever wondered who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?
March 13, 20188 yr I don't know if it's my new age but I was also wondering If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
March 13, 20188 yr 13 minutes ago, jillar said: Have you ever wondered who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'? 11 minutes ago, notsmokinjo said: Do you think it was the same person who decided to give the first blowy?
March 13, 20188 yr Me (to the Kid): Hey Kid tell us a joke Kid: Did ya look in the mirror this morning? Edited March 13, 20188 yr by notsmokinjo
March 13, 20188 yr 1 hour ago, jillar said: then what is baby oil made from? Abortion clinics sell fetus remains to cosmetic companies.
March 15, 20188 yr This advert has obviously been doing the rounds a while, but I saw it for the first time today
March 15, 20188 yr Two blonds are sitting at the beach one day and the one looks at the other and says "I wonder which is farther Vegas or the sun". And the other blond replies "Well duh, you can see the sun!" Edited March 15, 20188 yr by jillar
March 16, 20188 yr Why did the blonde have a square chest? .... she forgot to take the kleenex out of the box.
March 16, 20188 yr A blonde meets an Irishman in a bar with L&R on his wellies and asked him why. So the Irishman says "When I was little, my dear wee old mammy wrote L and R, so I got them the right way round. I've done it ever since." Five minutes later the blonde was still looking baffled so the Irishman has to explain L for Left foot, R for Right. She giggled and wandered off. Ten minutes later she came back with a quizzical look on her face and asked the Irishman "Is that why I have C&A in my knickers?" Edited March 16, 20188 yr by Sslip
March 16, 20188 yr Two Nuns in a bath. One says "Wheres the soap ? ". The other one smiles and says "Yes it does doesn't it"
March 17, 20188 yr Meant to post this on Pi Day.... Q. Where do you weigh a pie? A. ??Somewhere over the rain bow... Edited March 27, 20188 yr by notsmokinjo
March 27, 20188 yr Q. What do you get if you pour a kettle of water down a rabbit hole? A. A hot, cross bunny.
March 28, 20188 yr Just got off the phone with the kids school… the social worker no less. For the purposes of brevity she shall be known below as SW: *Unknown number ringing phone* NSJ: Hello Jo speaking SW: Is this NSJ ….. (you rang my mobile sweetheart who do you thing it is) NSJ: Yes, speaking SW: Oh good morning this is ‘XYZ’ from ‘The Kids College’ …..(we call high schools Colleges here) … we have a rather serious issue to discus and I need you to come to the school now for a meeting with The Kid. NSJ: Is she OK? …. (mummy panic mode setting in) SW: Well, um, I’d rather discus it in person, it is very serious. NSJ: What’s going on? ….(getting just a tad annoyed) SW: Well there was an incident on the bus this morning and several of our senior girls have reported it. I need to address this issue with The Kid and I would like you here. NSJ: What happened? …. (I might whinge about The Kid but behaviour wise she is a teachers dream) SW: Well I would rather have discussed this in person but The Kid was having a discussion on her mobile with her drug dealer and several girls heard it and reported it. NSJ: Hahahahahahahahahahaha*snort*hahahahahahahahahahahaha… sorry, um…. Hahahaha… sorry… She was talking to me…. hahahaha SW: No I don’t think so, she was definitely heard saying “hello drug dealer” NSJ: Yes, she did say that, to me. It’s from Lucifer, its our new thing. SW: I beg your pardon? NSJ: We great each other with (in a really bad fake flamboyant pommy accent) ‘Heeelllooooo Drugdealer’… its from an episode of Lucifer… she was ringing to let me know she caught the bus and to also let me know she has a mobile phone because I couldn’t yell at her on the bus and take it offer her because she isn’t allowed to have one but her dad gave her one. There is no drug dealer. SW: Oh…. Well…… um….. well….. …………….. ………….Do you really think its appropriate to let her watch that show? NSJ: Clearly yes because we watch it together. Aren’t you glad you didn’t make me leave work for this? SW: yes well, we got our wires crossed. I’ll explain to the senior girls it was a joke with her mum shall I. NSJ: Yes that might be helpful. (hang up) Are you for frickin real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Its about 10-15 seconds in Edited March 28, 20188 yr by notsmokinjo
March 28, 20188 yr 4 minutes ago, notsmokinjo said: Just got off the phone with the kids school… the social worker no less. For the purposes of brevity she shall be known below as SW: *Unknown number ringing phone* NSJ: Hello Jo speaking SW: Is this NSJ ….. (you rang my mobile sweetheart who do you thing it is) NSJ: Yes, speaking SW: Oh good morning this is ‘XYZ’ from ‘The Kids College’ …..(we call high schools Colleges here) … we have a rather serious issue to discus and I need you to come to the school now for a meeting with The Kid. NSJ: Is she OK? …. (mummy panic mode setting in) SW: Well, um, I’d rather discus it in person, it is very serious. NSJ: What’s going on? ….(getting just a tad annoyed) SW: Well there was an incident on the bus this morning and several of our senior girls have reported it. I need to address this issue with The Kid and I would like you here. NSJ: What happened? …. (I might whinge about The Kid but behaviour wise she is a teachers dream) SW: Well I would rather have discussed this in person but The Kid was having a discussion on her mobile with her drug dealer and several girls heard it and reported it. NSJ: Hahahahahahahahahahaha*snort*hahahahahahahahahahahaha… sorry, um…. Hahahaha… sorry… She was talking to me…. hahahaha SW: No I don’t think so, she was definitely heard saying “hello drug dealer” NSJ: Yes, she did say that, to me. It’s from Lucifer, its our new thing. SW: I beg your pardon? NSJ: We great each other with (in a really bad fake flamboyant pommy accent) ‘Heeelllooooo Drugdealer’… its from an episode of Lucifer… she was ringing to let me know she caught the bus and to also let me know she has a mobile phone because I couldn’t yell at her on the bus and take it offer her because she isn’t allowed to have one but her dad gave her one. There is no drug dealer. SW: Oh…. Well…… um….. well….. …………….. ………….Do you really think its appropriate to let her watch that show? NSJ: Clearly yes because we watch it together. Aren’t you glad you didn’t make me leave work for this? SW: yes well, we got our wires crossed. I’ll explain to the senior girls it was a joke with her mum shall I. NSJ: Yes that might be helpful. (hang up) Are you for frickin real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol you got a "sick" sense of humor and i love it! Kids been eaves dropping and it blew up in their faces hahaha
April 2, 20188 yr @Doreensfree thank you now I get my dad's favourite joke: A man went to a fancy dress party wearing nothing but sandpaper around his penis. When he got there they asked what or who we was supposed to be and he answered "Dick Emery".
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