6 hours ago, MLMR said:

Just brought my mom to the hospital for her surgery. And now... having like a thousand smokey memories. What do I need right now? Acknoledge that i feel a bit scared. Knowing that hospitals are yet unconquered triggers. Breath. I will not let this get a hold of me. 9+ months. I will keep going no matter what. 

Sending prayers for you and your mom.  She needs you strong MLMR so you can help her through this difficult journey.  

6 hours ago, MLMR said:

Knowing that hospitals are yet unconquered triggers

And yet, you don't succumb to those triggers...well done!!!

Positive thoughts coming your way for both you and your mom MLMR. Xoxo

Had the strangest week. First of, the surgery went fine and my mother is doing ok. Waiting for further results to come in next tursday. They, the doctors and nurses, are fast and professional and they have taken good care of her so far.

Smoking played a huge role in many of my thoughts and memories, for 4 or 5 days. I suspect the hospital visits triggered something old. At some point I even 'longed' for smoking, or so I thought... dismissing these thoughts didnt always do the trick. Working through them partly solved it. And then, last friday during a super bad mood, I had one of these moments where things just click and make sense (again). 'Better just accept it for what it is'. Sounds so simple and cliché, but honestly, it was bliss to realise once again that fighting whatever is presenting itself will not do the trick and will, in fact, make matters worse. I can have a thousand thoughts about smoking, but I wont light up. Thoughts are just that: thoughts. Because, in the end not lighting up is ALL that matters.

Last night I dreamt I smoked. As soon as I woke up, I knew it was just a dream and I am as smokefree as yesterday. Though it is a bit weird to have had such an addiction-dominated week... I am once again very grateful for not giving in. And for being this far in my quit proces.

You are doing great MLMR, that old nicodemon sure puts up a fight though huh?! Glad you're mom's surgery went well  

So glad your mom is doing well.  She is so lucky to have you by her side.  I am sure it is tough watching her go through that.  It is those difficult times that bring back the smoking memories.

MLMR, we are so much smarter and stronger.  You will keep that quit going.

Blowing steam off. 

 

Had a sucky week. Some things happened at work and I dont know how to act on them. Some family matters on top of that et voila ... 

 

This month is harder than the 9th. I keep having these thoughts and memories, where my brain goes like, ah screw it. Ofcourse, I wont. But it pisses me off to be at this point and have these stupid brainfarts. I just want to be done with it. 

 

I dont want to miss my clean lungs.  I dont want to light one after another and feel guilty all the time. I dont want to die while riding my bike or hiking, because of oxygen lack.

 

It will be better again. I will make it past this stage, just as I did before. This is what it is for now, but change is on the way. 

3 hours ago, MLMR said:

Had a sucky week

Me too MLMR.  Isn't it ridiculous how our minds drift off to the self destructive thoughts when we are down.  Thank goodness you and I are stronger than those thoughts.

Smoking is not our cure all.  Life is just one day at a time and you and I can do this together.  How is you mom doing?

As for work, it is hard but it is better to leave it there at the end of the day.  

You are doing great by posting.  We are here for you!

@Linda Thomas sorry to hear about your sucky week too. Yeah, its pretty weird how our brains work, right? 

 

And about work, you couldnt be more right. Its strange, in some ways I am so much stronger since quitting but at the same time, i feel like I have to set my boundaries earlier than I used to. Or, maybe Ive been consistantly crossing them in the smokey past and this is where they actually are...? Anywayz,  today is a day where I keep reminding myself about the guaranteed positive outcome of quitting. 

 

My mom is doing ok. Tumor removed, all clear. Thank goodness for that!

 

 

Sorry about your sucky week you two, but glad you have this place to vent to and keep your awesome quits I hope this week is better for you both, xoxo

Edited June 17, 20197 yr by jillar

Im in my car right now, about to go to work. The thoughts of smoking are so present, for days now. I keep telling myself to be proud of where I am but it just dont click. Its absurd how vivid the thoughts are. Got to push through now, it would be insanely sad to loose my quit. But why does it seem so... attractive?! Cant even remember to have felt this 'need' before... so far ive always been able to downgrade it too chemical processes, and this time i cant get passed, 'I dont care anymore, ive proven myself, just be done with doing your best, it would feel sooo good....

 

I am ashamed and yet this is it for now. I really do hope to pull myself out of this self-loathing misery and be proud again soon. 

4 hours ago, MLMR said:

I really do hope to pull myself out of this self-loathin

That is exactly what you are feeling.  Your feelings of self worth are sabotaging your quit.  I know you can't go back, while you are driving, and read parts of your journey but you are so full of wisdom and the gift of writing it.  I know that you are a wonderful person, worth saving.  You have chose a profession that helps others.  If you give into these feelings of self doubt and smoke, you would feel such disappointment.  

Try to think of the huge accomplishment the past ten months have been.  You and I are so close in our quit, we are going to make it to that year mark together.  Just keep remembering that smoking is behind you and has no place in your future.  Hang in there.   

MLMR, I know I'm probably sounding like a broken record but those feelings you're having are completely normal. That's the purpose of the one year commitment. Especially as we near the first year mark. I felt the same as you, I did it! I can smoke a cigarette as my reward. Stupid huh?! 

Just know that you're completely normal and that this too shall pass..... I promise, xoxo

Thanks @Linda Thomas. I realised today that I actually felt sorry for myself, for quitting and watching some (formerly quit!!!) collegues smoke... bleghh, the exact feeling ive been trying to kick in the butt for the past 10 months, with succes. And now suddenly I cant find the words, the ways to beat that emotion. Im romancing smoking and I know it, ohhhh my god 😳

 

I have one big word in my mind and thats NOPE. No. Matter. What. 

 

I really, really try not to fall for 'Its been 10 months already, why now and why with such intensity?'. Theres no proper answer to that anyway... 

1 minute ago, jillar said:

MLMR, I know I'm probably sounding like a broken record but those feelings you're having are completely normal. That's the purpose of the one year commitment. Especially as we near the first year mark. I felt the same as you, I did it! I can smoke a cigarette as my reward. Stupid huh?! 

Just know that you're completely normal and that this too shall pass..... I promise, xoxo

But, month 7, 8 and 9 were a big home coming party! I felt so good, had cravings once in a while but, away with them! And i felt pride and so many good effects of quitting.... aghhhh

I will write a letter to myself again. I did that at some point where I had a real tough time, stuck the letter to my fridge back then. I think its time for a new one, fitting this phase. I need to ditch that sorry-feeling,  it doesnt suit me well, i cant use it. I am in my 11th month ffs. No way that I will lose this quit. And I also want to carry this part with dignity, as sucky as it is.

Edited June 25, 20197 yr by MLMR

3 minutes ago, MLMR said:

But, month 7, 8 and 9 were a big home coming party! I felt so good, had cravings once in a while but, away with them! And i felt pride and so many good effects of quitting.... aghhhh

 

You'll feel good again MLMR, I promise. We have to remember that we smoked wayyyyy longer than we've been quit and these bad days WILL still come, even after your one year. The beauty of it now that you are this far along is that you know that you can get past the craves because you have for months and months now

Distraction, distraction, distraction. I used to take a drive in my car to get a crave to go away because I didn't smoke in my car. Do stuff that you're used to doing that you never smoked doing. That worked really good for me  

This is just the dying embers of your addiction.

Do not take this to heart, it is just another neural pathway being diverted to the high road, the clean road.

Take stock and remember that you do not smoke.  Those days are long gone.  You are a new woman.

Also, check yourself with with Red Flags.

 

I promise you, you will feel better.

S

1 hour ago, MLMR said:

Thanks @Linda Thomas. I realised today that I actually felt sorry for myself, for quitting and watching some (formerly quit!!!) collegues smoke... bleghh, the exact feeling ive been trying to kick in the butt for the past 10 months, with succes. And now suddenly I cant find the words, the ways to beat that emotion. Im romancing smoking and I know it, ohhhh my god 😳

 

I have one big word in my mind and thats NOPE. No. Matter. What. 

 

I really, really try not to fall for 'Its been 10 months already, why now and why with such intensity?'. Theres no proper answer to that anyway... 

Don't feel sorry, feel proud you were able to quit one hellova addiction. These things will happen but as quitters we learn not to reach for them(ciggs)

Don't feel anything for those smokers except pity .....if you asked each one of them ...they would love to be were you are ,and have a fabulous 10 month quit ...

The only way you will win ...is keep on fighting ...one day ...your battle will be won ...keep trucking ......x

14 hours ago, MLMR said:

But why does it seem so... attractive?!

 

It can seem like our brain is working against us when we quit.  However, the brain is just doing what we trained it to do.  For years we told ourselves that cigarettes bring about relief and relaxation.  It makes sense that our brain would draw a connection between cigarettes and desirable results.

 

Now we've seen the light and understand that cigarettes offer us nothing positive.  However, those impulses that arise from years of conditioning take a bit of time to override.

 

It's a process.  Trust the process.

Part of me felt shame for writing down the way I felt, but I am actually very glad I did. Thanks so much for you all popping in here, your answers, be it about holding on or offering the matter-of-fact-approach.  I dont have the words at this moment, but it means a lot to me.

 

Its a relief to be able again to see it as the neural proces it is. Im trying to figure out my HALT, and there's a few things to pay attention to. They have  NOTHING to do with smoking, and they need an approach of their own.

 

THANKS!

 

 

 

 

It seems like the worst is over, finally. What a strange an unexpected phase. Once again, I feel stronger in my quit now that I 'got out'. 

 

Sometimes I miss the big revelations I would have in the beginning, they gave me such power and confidence. It takes some effort to rely on what I learned back then and to stop disappointment from growing too strong sometimes. 

 

But its comforting to look at everything I gained, not to convince myself of quitting, but simply to realise where I am compared to 10,5 months ago...

 

I eat differently, pay more attention to what and when I eat, I do chores in the house during the week instead of pushing myself raging through the house in the weekend and therefor my home feels much more like my own safe place, I sit when Im tired and when I cant, I just slow down a bit, I handle anxiety with compassion. Thát is probably the biggest gain... I am able to be with overwhelming emotions without beating myself up about it. That is huge and I should be celebrating it and embrace it with all the love I have in me, because how often did I not tell myself that Im not good enough? Repeatedly, year in year out? Ive probably set something in motion that will bring together all the stuff I learned in different therapies and treatments.

 

Uhm. That is something to be darn grateful about.

 

Edited July 6, 20197 yr by MLMR

I'm happy the worst is over for you. Its also good that you focus on what you've gained from your quit. I suppose a reminder to oneself about why one quit smoking in the first place and looking at the gains, prevents one from becoming complacent and relapsing (just my opinion).