You won't love quitting all of the time.  (Later on you will.)  But you gave yourself the addiction to nicotine and now you are the one that's putting an end to it.  You are fixing a problem that has been going on for a long time.  You are taking positive steps forward.  This is a good thing!

MLMR

 

It's okay to voice the struggle.  I think most newbies know this is not a walk in the park.  That's what makes emerging from the struggle all the more consequential - the fact that it wasn't easy.

The important thing to know is that eventually you will emerge from the tough times - stronger, healthier and wealthier.  You're doing great.

18 hours ago, Sazerac said:

Please understand that you are only responsible to yourself and your quit.

Your effect on others and their quits is not your job

and it is not something you have any control over.

All you can do is be true to yourself and hold on to your commitment to yourself and your quit.

You are right Sally. Jo also said something like this a while ago 'it's about your quit as long as it needs to be', or something like that. So, chin up, tits first. I. Am. Doing. This.

 

17 hours ago, Linda Thomas said:

M'life, that is the thought you want to hold onto. 

Yes. I got scared because I let thoughts enter my mind like 'if you can't hold on to motivation you are doomed to fail'. I remember I had an epiphany about that in the early days, where I realised that's were 'Nope' comes in:  as long as you keep noping, you succeed every day.

 

17 hours ago, jillar said:

 I had a really hard quit too and can totally relate.   

Jillar, you have such a steady way of supporting me (and other people). Thanks a lot for that. Actually, I imagined you being with me here in my room yesterday, talking me through! It's comforting to know that I am not the only one who struggled (and ofcourse the most empowering part is to know that you made it!!!).

 

 

17 hours ago, Paul723 said:

You won't love quitting all of the time.  (Later on you will.)  But you gave yourself the addiction to nicotine and now you are the one that's putting an end to it.  You are fixing a problem that has been going on for a long time.  You are taking positive steps forward.  This is a good thing!

 

Yes, I can take responsability  in this, in fact I am doing that, though not always as steadfast as I would like.  This is a good thing indeed. Simple as that. *repeat*

17 hours ago, BKP said:

It's okay to voice the struggle.  I think most newbies know this is not a walk in the park.  That's what makes emerging from the struggle all the more consequential - the fact that it wasn't easy.

The important thing to know is that eventually you will emerge from the tough times - stronger, healthier and wealthier.  You're doing great.

This morning I had a tiny, tiny glimpse of pride. I know with time these moments will occur again, each in it's own time and for it's own reason. Trusting the proces and onwards.

Edited November 10, 20187 yr by MLMR

 

You GO ❤️ Girl

 Today... I had the best day quit-wise in ... uhm, 2 weeks? Yes!!

This morning I left my appartment and I smelled the crispiest clearest rainy fall leaves wet earth smell EVER. And I was so happy about making it through the stormy head weather! 

 

Hardly thought about smoking. Though rainy season brings back smoking  memories, it also re-introduces my reasons and well, I kinda lost touch with them. Imagine picking up half wet jacket, foul cigarette smell hanging around it. Imagine a constant shower falling out of the sky and needing thag cig and having trouble keeping it dry and noticing it doesnt even taste that good, going back up to the office, carrying that disgusting smell with you. Not being able to enjoy a good coffee or tea without a cigaret. The constant needyness.

 

Despite at least 10 really  sh*tty days, I am so glad I am still here. Because what's also happening is this: I eat slower and with more attention. I drive my car less hasty, I have more patience. I sleep REALLY well. I am calmer in general, even though still dealing with my regular moodswings and panicks. 

I don't know what the proces has in further store for me... but right now I am content with the way non-smoke life is.

 

Awww, your first glance at what lies ahead MLMR, that's great! I'm so glad that today was good for you. This is why we go through those nasty first few weeks, to get to the other side You are doing Fantastic!  ?

More great days ahead for you !

You are shiny and new.  Beautiful.

8 hours ago, MLMR said:

I don't know what the proces has in further store for me... but right now I am content with the way non-smoke life is. 

Happiness and freedom, friend! You've earned it. 

It's easy to lose touch with those reasons we quit. (Especially during this no man's land time frame) You get the "What now?" feeling of non-excitement...that's when you throw your own glitter, bring your own balloons to the party, and learn to love your quit! Just love the freshness of everything...It's a new life, a new world, a new you!! We're all so proud to follow you on this journey and can't wait to greet you on the lido deck, whiskeys in hand!! (Or Coors, or rum, almond milk maybe)

Brought a little something just in case you need some for later

 

 

Edit to add the link to Mental Balloons; a great post! (gonfishn21 just celebrated 4 yrs so comes from a pretty good source of info.)

 

Edited November 13, 20187 yr by c9jane29

I think you will be thrilled to hear I got myself one of these fancy salad spinners, @c9jane29. I figured its a great gift, because its practical in case there's salad (or carrots) on the menu. Yep. I did it, just like that. Walkin' the reward path the Dutch calvinist way.

 

But... the possibilities !

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15 minutes ago, MLMR said:

But... the possibilities !

Make sure you wash it well or the consequences could be to beautiful to flush!!

I am touched by how beautiful that looks, hence the tears. 

You sound in a good place....so happy for you ...

2 hours ago, MLMR said:

I am touched by how beautiful that looks, hence the tears. 

Rewards, my friend! ?

Day 85! Less than a week away from completing three months. Things have calmed down a bit, since somewhere between last saturday and sunday. Brain is still doing it's best to lure me into to smoking, but I'm back at where I was in my second month: able to detach from the thoughts and going strong in counter-thinking. Repeating over and over and training myself in that really does the trick and though it's annoying sometimes, I'm sure I'll benefit from it now and later on. 

 

It fascinates me. The time distortion, change of perspective (sometimes in the blink of an eye), having a sense of real power over the addiction versus 'I'm a victim and will this ever end' (yes, at times my brain thinks like that. I'm ashamed about it but it is what it is and I find comfort in the fact that I muster up the courage not to identify with that thought. Because that's where I would really have a problem and definitely would end up smoking one after another again). 

 

I remember somewhere in the beginning, I thought about balance, between surrendering to the proces (aka trust) while still deciding where to go next. Probably still working for me. 

 

So, I think I'm safe to say I had my fair share of three-month-hardship and thank god it didn't last the entire month. And now I have yet another major milestone within reach, ha!

 

 

Edited November 16, 20187 yr by MLMR

The count down has begun!! Come on 4 monthiversary!! 

So proud of you, friend! Making breakfast, here's a cuppa to warm you up

59 minutes ago, c9jane29 said:

The count down has begun!! Come on 4 monthiversary!! 

So proud of you, friend! Making breakfast, here's a cuppa to warm you up

Thanks, amigo.! So thoughtful of you. And I whish it was a 4mo monthiversari, but got to do 3 first

 

Ridiculous junkie thinking has been shouting at me today. Shouting back didn't work out, took walks and everything. Ah well. It's one of these 'world, please f yourself'-days, I had them back then and I sometimes have them now. At least I'm glad the stinky component is out of todays picture. 

 

But hey, there's bear  coffee from Texas!!

 

I thought the voice of my addict surely gained VOLUME

while laying low on frequency as the first year quit rolled around.

 

While the whine didn't even tempt me after a while

it was still an interruption that demanded attention.

This infuriated me at times.

 

All I can tell you is that the addict's voice becomes v. quiet and infrequent after time.

You won't be thinking about smoking/not smoking forever.  I promise. 

Ride it out.

These are just receptors in your brain getting re-fitted.  You are claiming back your brain.

 

42 minutes ago, MLMR said:

And I whish it was a 4mo monthiversari, but got to do 3 first

? whoops!! Sorry. I'm so bad with numbers...Either way, I already got you a present!

I figured you needed a pick me up...I could see the Dutchland glitter clouds from here!!  

Your doing great, and your right in this fact:

On 11/16/2018 at 3:50 AM, MLMR said:

Repeating over and over and training myself in that really does the trick and though it's annoying sometimes, I'm sure I'll benefit from it now and later on. 

You are retraining your brain. The brain is very stubborn, tricky, and loves to take the easy way out...it will eventually learn the new way of doing things...some just take longer than others. 

I would have sent pancakes with the coffee but the kids ate em as fast as I could make them...all the while singing my favorite song "Mom! Mom!mom!"?

2 hours ago, Sazerac said:

While the whine didn't even tempt me after a while

it was still an interruption that demanded attention.

This infuriated me at times.

 

All I can tell you is that the addict's voice becomes v. quiet and infrequent after time.

You won't be thinking about smoking/not smoking forever.  I promise. 

Ride it out.

These are just receptors in your brain getting re-fitted.  You are claiming back your brain.

 

Sally, yes, it's an interruption that demands attention.. and it's easy to be tricked in giving it the wrong kind of attention. In my experience there is not one specific way to deal with it. Often I can handle it by thinking AND acting on Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. Sometimes walks do the trick, etc. Riding it out, like you said. Yesterday I had a date with my sisters, had been four years ago for the three of us to go out for dinner. I took the train, something  I did for years but haven't done now in some time. Brain went insane! And it looks like I took these moments there with me into the next day somehow, cause I had a hard time shutting them up today. I figure i dealt with multiple triggers (sisters, train, going out, memories and some tears) and brain thinks that shouting junkie thoughts is a great way or coping. Anyway.. glad when there's another day done, to be short

 

1 hour ago, c9jane29 said:

? whoops!! Sorry. I'm so bad with numbers...Either way, I already got you a present!

I figured you needed a pick me up...I could see the Dutchland glitter clouds from here!!  

 

You are retraining your brain. The brain is very stubborn, tricky, and loves to take the easy way out...it will eventually learn the new way of doing things...some just take longer than others. 

I would have sent pancakes with the coffee but the kids ate em as fast as I could make them...all the while singing my favorite song "Mom! Mom!mom!"?

  Haha never be sorry! The coffee was much appreciated indeed, with glitter stores empty... stash gone….
Yes, thanks for saying that about the brain loves taking the easy way out and all. It is SO DARN TEMPTING to identify with that and think, ahw to hell with it! BUT! I! WONT! DO! THAT!

 

So, you have some little Stewies there with you, huh? Poor girl! Sharing my kidless house for the evening with you would be great,  áhw such an expensive ticket though! :(

 

 

p.s. Jane, do you here the drums roll…… trrrrrrrrrrrrtrrrrrrrrrrtrtrtrtrtrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrratatatataaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..... tonight i ate sushi.....chopsticks and all….. not even one tiny mistake…. got them all unharmed to my mouth….. Yeah!

Edited November 17, 20187 yr by MLMR

3 hours ago, MLMR said:

tonight i ate sushi.....chopsticks and all….. not even one tiny mistake…. got them all unharmed to my mouth….. Yeah!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!! I rove shushi!!!!

Eat like this...it's no problem

 

Was it delicious? I love it....I'm over here half on google looking at every sushi roll on there? 

Re-freakin-wards, girl!

Glad you got to go out with your sisters! Fun, fun!! You have earned such an awesome reward!

10 hours ago, c9jane29 said:

Was it delicious? 

 

 

07:23 AM. Woke up after an old fashion panicky night, to the point where deep breathing epically failed. Pacing the house,  heart beating like crazy. Not feeling like myself, but one big piece of fear. I always know it will go away eventually but in that moment it's impossible to hold on to that knowledge. 

 

It's been a while since I had on of these, I think 5 or six weeks ago. Quitting does actually work well in reducing panick attacks. I dare say it now... oh yes, it's true. I used to have many more,  but untill now I didn't quite realise it because for the last three months most of my thoughts were about the unrest,  the battle against junkie thinking. 

 

It's unsetteling to have had one again, makes me wonder what I did wrong. But thats just as automatic as junkie thinking: the inner blame game, I associate fear with guilt. Maybe this is the right time to counterthink these thoughts as well and start focussing on new associations. 

 

Ah well... first got a day to live through.

 

 

 

 

Hope you're doing well now.  Your journey has been amazing to follow and I'm sure will inspire other quitters.

I hope that by writing this down the urge calms. Smokey thoughts are strong again. I try to reward myself each evening, but thats even more diffcult than not smoking. My world is upside down, things happening so fast now. Got to remind myself that I have a say in some of it. And the things happening to people around me are not my job to fix. Got to be with me. 

 

Some people even told me, ah just have a smoke. It's not ok for you to still crave!! What shitty advise is that. 

 

Looking forward to sunnier months and to that self confidence everyone is talking about. 

-edit- tckr just told me Im  2%over half of first half! I guess that's worth a yay 

Edited November 26, 20187 yr by MLMR