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notsmokinjo

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notsmokinjo last won the day on November 8

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About notsmokinjo

  • Birthday September 27

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  • Gender
    Female
  • Location
    Melbourne
  • Quit Date
    28/11/2017

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  1. So this post is purely to explain where I vanished to...so where did I go?..... too far into my own head...Did I smoke, NOPE!!

    So I have a daily battle with anxiety just to walk out my front door, once I'm out I'm usually fine it's just getting out and interacting with that first person....then I'm usually OK until I get home and then the walls close in and the anxiety and doubt starts and I rehash every single interaction from the day from every angle.. so lockdown not so good for me..since late 2019 I have really struggled with my mental health including some suicidal episodes, my health/medications were the trigger but there were underlying things within my character and history and anxieties that fed my freefall. 2020-21 has been really bad for me...I left my job, which I hated, for what I hoped was greener pastures but instead was bad, bad, bad...all my psychological triggers hot switched and I basically worked if I was awake....I was doing more unpaid hours a week than paud hours and being criticised constantly because I wasn't working enough...which just fed that little voice in my head telling me how pathetic I am etc...I couldn't come here because I didn't have time (in my mind) and I couldn't be anything other than negative about anything...every day I saw or heard things that reminded me of here and the guilt I felt by vanishing weighed heavier and heavier and the need to come buck burnt more each day. So in August my radio station started spruiking Aus Music Month...and the happy voice in my head, thr one that had been squashed and silenced for nearly 2 years went, "Oi dipshit, Aus Music Month, one song a day, get your arse back on the train"..and I started working on a play list...a few days later I quit the job from he'll on a whim...then one of the dearest friends I've ever had, but never met, went on a campaign of sms to put a cracker up my arse to get me back, then I landed a new job, strict hours easier work, more money, win, win, win... and here I am back. Where I feel I belong, where I've just been accepted back, no questions, no awkwardness, as if I didn't vanish and ghost you all. Am I better?, will I ever be, probably not, and I making changes to improve things yep....Fark I missed you mob, every frickin day..

    So that's why I vanished, my brains broken and I thought you deserved better than my presence (see brains broke)... I know, and I've always known you mob don't care and accept all my crazy, just need to do it myself.

    Finally, to all my friends here, which us pretty much the lot of you, I am sorry. Sorry I vanished. Sorry despite knowing in my heart you wouldn't care that I couldn't be miss positivity and sunshine you mob wouldn't care I ran and hid. It was a shitty thing to do and the fact you have welcomed me back as I never left just proves what wonderful amazing people you all are.

    1. Show previous comments  3 more
    2. Cbdave

      Cbdave

      Gday Jo

      Just found this and well just simply…. Glad your back. You didn’t really have to explain yourself but I wouldn’t be surprised if that was good for you as well. Welcome from old fart

      regards Chris

    3. Jordan7

      Jordan7

      We all have broken parts and pieces and sometimes need friends to help us glue ourselves back together.  You're a star, jo, with an amazing, often amusing, view of the world as well as exceptional artistic talents, and I strongly suspect you're an excellent cook also. You've so much going for you that it's a great shame and such a waste if you allow anyone to make you feel otherwise.  I'm so sorry for your sadness and glad to hear that you're finding ways to move towards a happier you.  Making peace with our demons is a slow slog some days, with steps forward then back -- a lot like quitting smoking, and we know you aced that one.

    4. Rozuki

      Rozuki

      Welcome back, NSJo! I missed your sassy ass-comments and take on things around here!! Glad you were able to quit that job you hated!! PS I need to brush up on my Aussie-speak, it's been awhile....🤠

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