October 5, 20196 yr If I'm ever on life support unplug me, wait ten seconds, then plug me back in. That usually works....😂😂😂
October 17, 20196 yr Author A boy asks his Dad one day, "Dad, why is my sister called Paris?" His Dad replies, "Because she was conceived in Paris." The boy says, "Ahh, thanks Dad." His Dad says, "You're welcome, Backseat."
October 18, 20196 yr Death Star canteen. https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=death+star+canteen+eddie+izzard&view=detail&mid=8C853F30F9F668A6758D8C853F30F9F668A6758D&FORM=VIRE
October 19, 20196 yr Me: Yesterday my best friend Mike ran off with my wife! Brother: Since when was Mike your best friend? Me: Since yesterday!
October 29, 20196 yr Author Mick walks into Paddy's barn and finds him dancing naked in front of his tractor, Mick says Paddy what ya think ya doing? well he says, Mary and me have not been getting on in the bedroom lately, so I went to see a sex therapist and she advised me to do something to a tractor
November 2, 20196 yr Author A man goes to a $10 sex worker and contracts crabs. When he goes back to complain, the sex worker laughs and says, "What do you expect for ten dollars? Lobster?"
November 5, 20196 yr Author A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?" The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"
January 17, 20206 yr G’day A Catholic Priest, a Baptist Preacher and a Rabbi were sitting around drinking coffee. Someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard, a real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided that each would find a bear and attempt to convert it to their religion.... Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experiences. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. Well, he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Bible. Well, that bear came after me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. Reverend Billy Bob the Baptist spoke next. He was in a wheelchair and had an IV drip. 'I went out and found me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from the Bible! But that bear came after me. We wrestled down one hill, until we came to a creek. So I quickly dunked him and baptized his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Priest and the Reverend both looked down at the Rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. The Rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start.
January 22, 20206 yr G’day Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.... MAN: Hello WOMAN: Hi Honey, its me. Are you at the club? MAN: Yes. WOMAN: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it? MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. WOMAN: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. MAN: How much? WOMAN: $90,000. ; MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. Theyre asking $980,000 for it. MAN: Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. Theyll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if its what you really want. WOMAN: OK. Ill see you later! I love you so much! MAN: Bye! I love you, too. The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, Anyone know whos phone this is." ?
January 22, 20206 yr 1 hour ago, Cbdave said: G’day Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.... MAN: Hello WOMAN: Hi Honey, its me. Are you at the club? MAN: Yes. WOMAN: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it? MAN: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much. WOMAN: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked. MAN: How much? WOMAN: $90,000. ; MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options. WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. Theyre asking $980,000 for it. MAN: Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. Theyll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if its what you really want. WOMAN: OK. Ill see you later! I love you so much! MAN: Bye! I love you, too. The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turns and asks, Anyone know whos phone this is." ? this is a Postbank commercial that is hysterical but, has been taken down. I posted it here somewhere, maybe that one is still up. oh yay ! here it is
January 24, 20206 yr OK so @Cbdave and @forestgreen are probs the only ones who will get this so I'll do some splaining at the end.... Basically this is a conversation with my Dad last night. We were talking about the Corona virus and it went a little like this: Dad: Your mum is really worried about this Corona virus, reckons I might be in trouble (dad has existing health issues) Me: Dad you'll be fine, its just like a bad flu. Just wash ya hands and eat healthy and you'll be right. Dad: Oh I know I'll be right. I can't get it cos I only drink VBs or Crownies. Sadly he was not having a lend, he really did think it was a virus you got from drinking Corona beer. Explaination: VB (Victorian Bitter) and Crownies (Crown Larger) are popular beers in Melbourne... less popular in NSW (Land of the Tooeys) and QLD (XXXX... prounounced as four-ex)
January 24, 20206 yr Phyllis was 40 years old and still a virgin. She didn't want to go the rest of her life without enjoying carnal pleasures. She finally decided it was time to talk to her physician. "Dr. Wang, I'm 40 and I'm still a virgin! I put out signs that I'm willing to be intimate, but no one ever takes the bait!" Dr Wang replied, "Prease take your croths off den bend ova and touch toes." Phyllis reluctantly complied. Dr. Wang approached her from behind and began a thorough examination. "Dat no good, dat no good!" he kept exclaiming. "I know why you a virgin". "What is it doctor?" Phyllis sobbed. "You have Zachary Disease" Dr. Wang replied. "Oh Lord no!" Phyllis gasped. After a moment of thinking this over, Phyllis said, "Hey wait a minute. What is Zachary Disease?" Dr. Wang replied, "Your face look Zachary like your asshole!" Edited January 24, 20206 yr by BKP
February 16, 20206 yr G’day When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me." Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this running amok security rubbish, I did just as she had instructed. After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to how I should position my credit card. Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future. They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors. Man I hate this getting older stuff.
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