Love this guy !!!

9 hours ago, notsmokinjo said:

 

 

Some people are still really uncomfortable with the "F-word", but I would argue it is the most flexible word in the English language.

 

And sometimes, there is simply no other word that works in place of it.  As Norm MacDonald observed: "here's a phrase you'll never hear...he made love to me in the ass."

2 hours ago, Boo said:

Some people are still really uncomfortable with the "F-word", but I would argue it is the most flexible word in the English language.

 

^^ You sure ya not secretly a Skip? 

 

Is fruck unique in that it is only work that can be a verb, a noun, an adjective and an adverb?.... 

A guy walks into a bar with an alligator slung over his shoulder and announces, "I'm the toughest SOB on the planet!"  All eyes in the bar focus on him as he plops the alligator on the bar.  He pries the alligator's mouth open, pulls his c@ck out and lays it across its teeth.  He then proceeds to close the alligator's mouth and pound it on its head with his manhood still in its mouth.  He looks menacingly around the bar and shouts, "I dare any man in this bar to do that!"

 

A moment later a high voice comes from a gentleman in the corner.  "Yoo hoo!  I'll do it.  But you don't need to pound my head!" 

Edited July 4, 20197 yr by BKP

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm
mad!"
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHTBULB!
I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
 

Paddy and Mick are walking home after a night on the town. They've got no money to get a taxi and are staggering all over the place when they find themselves outside the bus depot. Paddy has a brainwave and says to Mick "Get in there and steal a bus so we can drive home and I'll stay out here and look out for the police". Mick duly breaks into the garage and is gone for twenty minutes while Paddy is wondering what the hell he's doing. Eventually Paddy sticks his head around the door and sees Mick running from bus to bus and looking very worried.

"What the hell are you doing Mick, get a move on!" to which Mick replies "I can't find a number 7 anywhere Paddy" whereupon Paddy, holding his hands to his head in disbelief, shouts "You idiot Mick, steal a number 9 and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way!".

 

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?

Last night on the telly watching some cooking show (American one with the mystery boxes and the 4 chefs) and the judges are all talking about not liking the taste of lamb...the kid turns to me in horror..."how can you not like lamb?"...so I do the whole the most of the world doesn't eat as much lamb as we do...blah blah blah...and it can be very expensive overseas not that expensive here which is probably why we eat more...then I said it's cheaper here because we have more lambs than people and she said "no mum that's sheep" 🙄😱

Just heard this on tv:

 

Men are like floors

Lay them right the first time

And you can walk all over them

The rest of your life 😄😄😄😄

2 hours ago, jillar said:

Just heard this on tv:

 

Men are like floors

Lay them right the first time

And you can walk all over them

The rest of your life 😄😄😄😄

So ......... that's what happened?

What do a dog and a nearsighted gynecologist have in common?

 

A wet nose.

Kinda got the nephew in trouble ...Mr 10 asked for his vegemite toast to be an Emu.....so did this..

 

 

 

But as the little bugger goes to eat it he say "Win this war ya motherfrucker".... 

Edited July 22, 20197 yr by notsmokinjo

Not for the fainthearted.

 

It seemed like the annual high school talent show was going to be another boring array of off-key clarinet solos and out-of-step dance routines.  That is, until they called up Jimmy Pudtugger.  

Principle Smith asked , "What talent are you going to perform this evening Jimmy?"

"I'm going to fart the alphabet" Jimmy replied.

Principle Smith looked taken aback, but after a moment decided that at least this was an unusual deviation from the dreary acts that had been performed so far.  "Very well.  Proceed".

Jimmy lowered the microphone stand to butt level, dropped his trousers, and settled his ass cheeks inches from the mic.  To ensure he was on key, he pulled out a harmonica, let out a note, and sang "ME, me me" in C Minor.

He then let forth a melodious chorus of triumphant farts:

Phttt-A

Phttt-B

Phttt-C

Phttt-D

Phttt-E

Pfttt-F

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a blast of putrid diarrhea shot out his ass, drenching the microphone and soiling half the stage.

Principle Smith jumped from his chair and ran to Jimmy.

"Oh my goodness!  Are you alright?  What happened?"

"No big deal" replied Jimmy.  "I just had to clear my throat".

Edited July 22, 20197 yr by BKP

Q. What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?

 

A. Slurp, Gag, Cough!

 

An old man goes to a church, and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18 year old." 
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?" 
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish." 
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?" 
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"

My extremely racist, bigoted Aunty was telling us a story about her scary public transport trip last night, she got on a bus and it was standing room only and she looked around and see the only white people were her and the Maori bus driver. 

 

She didn't get why we were all pissing ourselves. (Um...that means laughing)

These are going to hurt to read. Proceed at your own risk.

My room mate and I have a habit of making "dad jokes". Some are so bad it causes physical pain.

 

One time my tire was going flat. So I pulled up to this air pump and it was like $2 to use the stupid thing. I told her, "It didn't used to cost but 50 cents to use these, IF they even charged at all." And she goes, "Yep, that's inflation".  BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo

 

One time we were trying to figure out what to make for dinner. She said, "...nothing sounds good". I said, "HEY, I hear that is a popular meal in starving countries". Jokes like that are just one of the reasons that when I die, I am going someplace that is a smoking section in it's entirety.

 

One time I was at a friend's house and we were watching some movie called "Rubber". It is about a tire going around killing people. In one part it goes by this place where they are throwing old tires into a fire pit. It left. I told my friend, "Yeah, he seen that going on and figured he better ROLL!" She got mad and said, "OK that is the worst groaner ever..."

I deliberately use "shooting" puns when I talk to the gun shop accounts.... Cos my work life is just that boring.... "Let me just turn that into a PDF and I'll shoot it over" ...."you just transferred $32,900. Yep that was bang on the money".... "Let me just load up the payment and I'll shoot you over the updated rec".

Mick Jagger: "Doctor, I feel all bloated and gassy, but I just can't seem to fart."

Doctor: "Are you saying that..."

Mick Jagger: "Yes, doctor... I can't get no flatus action."

A husband says to his wife, "I bet you can't tell me something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time." The wife thinks about it for a few moments and replies, "Your dick is bigger than your brothers."

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.
 

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
 

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

A man goes to the optician complaining about his distance vision. The optician asks him to go outside with him and asks, "What do you see up there?" 

"The Sun." replies the man.

The optician responds, " That's 93 million miles away, how far do you want to see?"