Thursday morning, day 12.
 

Worst part of brain vomit is over, end of week 2 is nearing and …

 

Edited December 2, 20214 yr by MLMR

Saturday morning, day 14. 
 

Woke up to some bad news.

 

💥 BAM 💥craving. 

 

Harmless craving is followed by junkie thinking. Junkie thinking -> thoughts. Thoughts are neutral until I label them as good or bad. Thoughts come and go. 

 

 

* Note to self:

You’ll be ok. 

Edited December 4, 20214 yr by MLMR

Stay Strong Sweetheart....

Smoking won't change anything ....only all your hard work .❤

Whatever bad news you got won’t change,  if you smoke a cigarette. In fact, it will cause more bad news…… You will have lapsed again, be disappointed in yourself, and may not have the fortitude to quit again, thereby endangering your life. Get my point?

@KatgirlTruth. Harsh reality for all of us. Thanks for the tough love.

Thursday morning, day 18.
 

oh hello, junkie thinking. I’ve got something for you:

 

Edited December 9, 20214 yr by MLMR

This is great ML....a good reminder ..❤

15 hours ago, MLMR said:

Thursday morning, day 18.
 

oh hello, junkie thinking. I’ve got something for you:

 

This is a technique I use when I am feeling anxious. It helps me to stay in the moment, which is part of mindfulness training. Having dealt with anxiety for my entire life, I do whatever I can to make it better, except lighting up, which is no longer an option…..

Well, I’m glad this technique works so well for you @Katgirl. How’s your quit going?

18 hours ago, MLMR said:

Well, I’m glad this technique works so well for you @Katgirl. How’s your quit going?

Great! Today I celebrate 7 months smoke free! Whenever I am tempted to light up, I think of my children and grandchildren. I am committed to staying around, for them, as long as God allows. It seems only fair that I do my part to make that be as long as possible. The same goal keeps me motivated to stick to my daily grueling workout regimen. 

Wednesday morning, day 24. 
 

All is well, on the non smoking front. Its hardly on my mind these days and I’m grateful for that. 
 

In the meantime, I’m also nearing 6 months sober. There’s a booze free Christmas and New Year’s Eve ahead of me! The other day someone asked me, ‘why so harsh on yourself? Just give yourself the pleasure of one or two evenings with a few beers, good red wine here and there.’

 

I felt no desire to go into a lengthy discussion about not viewing this as harsh, and…. etc. etc. I know why I’m doing this and that’s really all there is to it. I’m not really familiair with not needing to defend or explain myself! But I think I like it. A lot. 

Edited December 15, 20214 yr by MLMR

4 hours ago, MLMR said:

I’m not really familiair with not needing to defend or explain myself! But I think I like it. A lot. 

🙌 You go, girl!!! 🤗

my reply to friends that wanted me to have a drink with them was that it was just to expensive.  when they offered to pay for it for me i would ask them if they were going to feel like shit for the next 3 days for me as well.  the conversation rarely went past that.

@MLMRI find that identifying myself as an alcoholic usually shuts things down. Of course, that is an admission. So long as we keep dancing around the fact that we are addicts through and through, i.e. temporary periods of "sobriety," the temptation to engage in the behavior will be there whether its via our own devices (junkie thinking) or people inviting us to drink/smoke and criticizing us when we don't.

For me, not drinking isn't a "lifestyle choice." I drink and it is a direct path to death. Today, tomorrow. Doesn't matter.

Same with smoking.

13 hours ago, MLMR said:

I’m not really familiair with not needing to defend or explain myself! But I think I like it.

Good for you MLMR, isn't it liberating  

15 hours ago, MLMR said:

I felt no desire to go into a lengthy discussion about not viewing this as harsh, and…. etc. etc. I know why I’m doing this and that’s really all there is to it. I’m not really familiair with not needing to defend or explain myself! But I think I like it. A lot. 

 

Right on.

 

I made a decision to stop drinking.  It was a personal choice and has no bearing on anyone else pertaining to the decisions they make.

 

A simple "no" should suffice.  If they push the issue further, a simple "go get f**ked" should suffice.

 

My diplomacy only goes so far.

Well said ....your business....is your business.....no body else's ...!!!!

How ridiculous is it that people try to make us feel uncomfortable because we refuse the offer of alcohol? I was recently offered wine at a holiday event, and rather than explain myself, I simply retorted that “I won’t drink wine from a plastic glass.”  That shut things down in a hurry. 😊

I guess I am the odd one out, dont want to the rock the boat.  I would accept a drink clear in color, then I would just excuse myself to the ladies room, pour the drink down the sink and refill with water. No muss, no fuss and the goal is achieved without hurting anyone's feelings or having to give explanations of how I choose to live my life. You will have to wait on them to change their behavior if they wish.

 

With another strict lockdown on the way (announced within the hour) I’m having some difficulties. This lonely, apocalyptic craziness…. 😖 

 

Junkie bells, junkie bells, junkie aaallll the way. 
 

🫁 NOPE 🫁 🫖 NOPE 🫖

 

I can do self care. Breathing. Watch a movie. Cocoon (cocoon the hell out of myself, for the next four weeks, actually). Its all good. Tomorrow’s a new day.

 

 

Edited December 18, 20214 yr by MLMR

You're not alone @MLMR, this pandemic has gotten to everyone. Maybe there's some comfort in knowing we're all in this together? ((hugs))

I’ve noticed that since the pandemic, My anxiety issues have worsened. I’ve even become rather reclusive, and I am usually pretty social. In order to get through each day, relatively unscathed, I rely on ritual and routine. I even exercise, at the same time, each day. I often resort to deep breathing exercises. I keep my mind engaged with various hobbies.  Following a self imposed schedule seems to help me remain calmer. I’ve read that mental health issues are much more common , since the pandemic, especially among young people. It’s awful to be so isolated. Some people carry on, as though the world hasn’t turned upside down. Maybe they are the smart ones. Being very scientifically minded, I can’t do that. I avoid going out, and when I do, I am always masked. Being an RN, I only wear N-95’s. I just ordered a bunch more. I absolutely hate this pandemic, but have to deal with it the best I can. We are all in the same boat….

 

Kat

Tuesday morning, day 30.

 

All is well. Coffee, still very dark outside, quietness. Best time of the day. Only three more work days and then it’s done for 2021.

 

A crazy year to look back on. So much has happened and yet I feel like this 2021 rollercoaster is finally coming to a good and meaningful end now.

 

Only a few months into 2021, after a a week off, boom, burnout. Just like that. Completely different from depression or anxiety that I know all too well. I thought I’d be done with it in a few week, haha! Was I wrong.. 

It had me re-evaluate some core beliefs about myself in relation to work. I’m so, so grateful for the lessons learned and how this helped me in actually creating perspective for 2022. I am privileged to live in a country where there’s solid social security. 

 

Quitting my relationship of five+ years meant ownership. It took me about ten-ish months, but I’m getting there. And I’m grateful for the few people who wouldn’t stop listening to me, self-absorbed as I was. Ouch. 😳
I forgot that I’m someone who can be perfectly happy on her own. What a cool and peaceful discovery! 

Then there was a horrible incident of violence at my work and we lost a coworker because of it. Its still an ongoing proces of making sense and giving meaning. It taught me about the different and diverse ways people deal with trauma. And how really none of that is ‘wrong’. 

Loosing my precious 2+years quit made me realize me two things: complacency kills and it’s always a good time to get back on your feet and act accordingly. Nothing more to it. Accept the bad moments, because that’s all they are. Just moments. 

 

And last but not least: the corona blues made me see how I need people and connection and that I’m definitely not unique in that. Making efforts together with family and friends to stay in in touch, even though it sometimes seemed we come from different planets. The polarization struggle is real… oh man. But I believe we are resilient creatures. And so is our ability to restore relationships, bonds. 

There’s one thing about 2021 that I’m absolutely happy about: my decision to stop drinking. 28th of december it will be six months! I think it was the nr. 1 best thing to do for myself, in these circumstances.  
 

Thinking of New Years resolutions, my instinct is to sum up things that need improvement, elimination, mastery even and “how this next year will be the year that I finally learned how to tackle….blah… blah….”.
But I think I’m ready to let go of the old. I want to start adding again! Education, friendships, some lightheartedness. I want to wonder and wander again. Have the ‘de slappe lach’, as we call the giggles. Doing whatever it is that I’m good at and gently but unapologetically moving my focus towards life. 

 

 

 

Edited December 21, 20214 yr by MLMR

@Katgirl, I will agree that we are all suffering mentally from the strain of fear. I, like you, have always suffered from anxiety.  I have gone thru therapy for the condition and have done well with it for the last 25 years.  This is a whole different animal.  There is something to fear, first we have mandated isolation, now we have self imposed isolation.  I have tried to use all my coping skills to get by.  I find it more difficult by the day.  I have discussed with my doctor.  The only thing she added was some ambien. I just can't go to sleep. I will be up to 4 in the morning and then sleep till noon.  I know that is not good.  I need to get back to  a normal sleep schedule but have not been able to do it on my own.  I also leave the house only about once a week. I live alone and I know it is not a good thing to isolate.  I just do not see anyway to fix the problem. I just have no idea what to do like millions of others.

@MLMR I feel your pain and struggle.  I am  blessed that I was able to take an early retirement when my health went south.  Yes, it is good to have social security but it alone is not enough to be able to have  a comortable income.  My husband and I planned for old age early on and invested well. For now, I do not have to worry on the financial part of it.  The biggest problem is the situation we are in. We have no choice but to isolate, there is no one there to help us thru the anxiety and depression that floods our lives.  I am sorry that your relationship with your partner has ended, but if it was not solid before it would be harder now. For me, I would prefer to be alone instead of putting my faith in someone I could not count on.  You can count on you, if the right person comes along, you will know it.  We can only have hope we will get through this the best way we can.

K