There's one thing that absolutely motivates me to KTQ and that is that I never ever can be sure I would attempt another quit. And if so, how that would work out.

Some time ago... I remember being well into the first year, so extremely proud. I took great pride in quitting, really on top of the world after every crave I conquered. One year became one and a half, two and finally three. I actually inspired some friends: if she can, why not us? Time went by, I hardly ever missed my nicotine killer. And I actually felt... great.

But then I did the unthinkable. Smoked a (tobacco)joint during a festival, afterwards a cigarette. Because, what the hell and tomorrow no one will remember (ah, but no. The real reasons ofcourse were some left over receptors going bonkers). The music died out, people crawled into their tents. The next morning I had coffee with a cig. And though I kept a straight and tough girl face, I knew at that point it all had been for nothing. Shame and self doubt made its way back into my mind.

Fast forward, six or seven years later .. august 22, 2018... it had to be now or never. This time around, things were different. Lots of bumps in the road, none of that first timers pride. I had to work to feel proud, I literally had to create happines around this whole event. On a few occasions it was like my world was falling apart and I had to get it from idontknowwhere. Ofcourse it hasnt all been straight forward misery, but no way is it comparable to these previous three years of quitting.

And let that be my guide then. I will never ever want to do this again, ever. I will not grieve and crave a cigarette. I will not cry over a crashed relationship again while aching for a smoke. I wont have any guaranteed life happenings be affected by the thought of cigarettes. I will never ever let that mf nicotine mess up my soul again and I am prepared to make this a life time thing. Because I want to be as free as free can be.

Edited July 25, 20197 yr by MLMR

Imagine: living as long as you remember with a roommate who, for no apparant reason, yells at you and calls you names. He thinks youre the stinkiest, nastiest, most stupid person ever to have set foot on this planet. 'Any day now, girl, any day now.. the world will discover the imposter you really are. You c*nt'

You roommate wont tell you about his daily schedule and you have literally no idea what his business is. He can show up for no reason and make your day miserable as hell. The best part for your roommate is the moment where you loose it and start to hurt yourself out of sheer misery: just to target your despair. He then turns silent and looks at you with a content smile, slowly backing off, retreating behind a door which you have never been through.

Well, obviously I live with this roommate and obviously he doesnt truly exist. Yet, I hear his voice very clear, almost every day. Ive tried fighting the little fellow with all sorts of therapies and medication. We made agreements, we stuck it out, I found ways to do my job while still dealing with this guy. Me and my family healed together, yet this roommate stays. He changes with every trauma I manage to clear , but... he's always there and probably will be for some time.

Ok, on-topic. What I want to say is simply this: if I can quit smoking, surely you can too. And if I have the benefits... surely you do too!

What you are up to, are just bloody receptors. Its their job to make it personal: grief, sadness, joy, boredom etc. And its your job to recognize this and act, by not acting on it: dont light up. Its truly a waist of time to wonder 'why everybody can quit but me'. We all can. Even I can, when being haunted by this shit-ass voices, these beliefs, and everything that comes along with living with it. Smoking is something that I never, éver want to incorporate again.

I really do believe each day now gets me closer to where I want to be. Gradually I will be able to relax about it, without loosing my vigilance and guard. I look forward to be done with this once and for all. But you know what? The rewards are so abundant that I gladly keep my promis to myself alive, for each and every day to come. If thats what it takes, so be it. 😀

How about you?

P.s. sorry about the heavy note. Cheering has never been my strong suit. Ahum. That smiley ^^ , I put it there on purpose.

MLMR, you have come a long way.  You recognize that roommate and have take the necessary steps to deal with him and to top that, you have quit smoking.   You are a super hero!

Love this, truly hits home.  I really like the way you have been documenting recently especially as you get closer to that 1 year mark.  Very well said, very well done!!!!!!

Take a bow, MLMR.  You're a champion.

I'm so proud of how far you've come MLMR, I just hope that you are as proud of yourself as we are. And thank you from the bottom of my heart for this journal. Xoxo

20 hours ago, MLMR said:

I really do believe each day now gets me closer to where I want to be.

Gradually I will be able to relax about it, without loosing my vigilance and guard.

I look forward to be done with this once and for all. But you know what?

The rewards are so abundant that I gladly keep my promis to myself alive, for each and every day to come. If thats what it takes, so be it. 😀

 

 

Keep training your brain and it will continue to serve you.

You are coming close to a full year, M !

You WILL be able to relax.  You will be able to trust yourself and allow your thoughts to focus on other things without loosing vigilance.

 

Still, I keep my promise to myself alive each and every day. This is no burden.  It is triumphant.

 

21 hours ago, Warbelian said:

You're the type of person I'd love to read its personal diary.

Ha, dont you think this is personal enough? 😂 But, thanks! 

Edited July 31, 20197 yr by MLMR

5 hours ago, Sazerac said:

 

 

Keep training your brain and it will continue to serve you.

You are coming close to a full year, M !

You WILL be able to relax.  You will be able to trust yourself and allow your thoughts to focus on other things without loosing vigilance.

 

Still, I keep my promise to myself alive each and every day. This is no burden.  It is triumphant.

 

I know you are right. Sounds like heaven! I will get there.

I'm so proud of you @MLMR...your journey has shown ,what truly can be achieved ,if you want it bad enough.

Looking forward to your Lido Party x

I went away this weekend, with friends. We had laughs, good talks, great hikes, everything was there. And I had literally zero thoughts of smoking. Jup. Just like that. 😊

I am exited about being smoke free for almost one year. A year! That seemed like forever, not too long ago..

Oh and what a journey! 

Edited August 7, 20197 yr by MLMR

The benefits and rewards will continue to delight you, M.

I am so glad you are enjoying your freedom.

On 8/7/2019 at 5:03 AM, MLMR said:

I went away this weekend, with friends. We had laughs, good talks, great hikes, everything was there. And I had literally zero thoughts of smoking. Jup. Just like that. 😊

I am exited about being smoke free for almost one year. A year! That seemed like forever, not too long ago..

Oh and what a journey! 

I love this ....I think the magic has happened...

@MLMR Another 2 weeks, and you will have conquered one year

One doesnt make this shit up. Unbelievable! Had a scare party at 4 AM.. 

 

What I love about this: its not in the slightest way tempting to  light up after this dream. Nope, the shock is only proof of my huge investment of the past year. 

 

Yihaa, 358 days! 💪

 

Edited August 16, 20197 yr by MLMR

Oh yea MLMR, I totally remember waking after a bad dream and instantly going and having a smoke. So glad to be past that too!  

You got this girl.  Your special day is just around the corner.  

Isn't this a wonderful feeling?   Smoking is now a remnant of our past.  

So! Exactly twelve months ago, after introducing myself, someone on this board asked me: 'Why wait any longer? Quit now!'. (The plan was 24-08-2019). And so I quit that day, the 22nd of august. 

 

Did it go as I expected? Not at all. Am I happy about the outcome? Yes, yes and yes!

 

What I expected and remembered from a previous 3year-quit, was struggle, revelation after revelation, strength, bliss and eternal happines. What I experienced this time was a true rollercoaster,which I never ever intent to go through again. I've sos-ed many times, I wrote, I read and studied, Ive fought real hard to keep my sanity at some points.. I yelled at the addiction, I cursed it. And I loved every single minute where I knew I was doing the right thing. Ive had many night time conversations with some friends on this board, these were a big part of what dragged me through. Reading back through everything brings tears to my eyes, because its about my no.1 challenge with quitting: I was so afraid of loosing connection with myself and then just giving up. And I found connection here with you guys and that made me re-establish the connection with myself. 

 

This recent month, things have moved ahead altogether more quickly. I know 'the magic is happening', to quote Doreen. I could write down an endless list of pro's, but I think it come's down to these three: self respect, breathing and health. It feels so, só good to leave the struggle behind, to be at peace with smokey memories.. whatever comes my way I'll be able to face head-on. This journey won't end here, that much I know. 

 

Thank you for being there for me and each other, for providing so much information, support, hugs, tough love, fun. It's been an amazing time and I am absolutely grateful to have 'met' you all. And I hope you, newbie who reads this,  realise quitting smoking is possible. You have it in you, as I do, as we all do. 

 

 

Edited August 22, 20197 yr by MLMR

Just so you have all your parties in one portal, M

Come On Peeps !

and

The Lido Deck Welcomes MLMR

Things are taking shape here, literally: I lost 15lbs of food love and it feels great! I took my first yoga class ever this evening, because I am finding out I truly have breathing issues. I will be doing this once a week from now on. And don't be fooled.. its friggin' tough! Ive had the hair bun for years already, so that comes in handy right now. 

Now that the leaves are changing colours, I made a mood boosting list to be in time, once and for all. The list includes the infamous SADlamp, baking cinnamon apple pies, taking daily 30' walks, exercizing with breathing, doing projects that involve smell, taste, touch and hearing etc. And most importantly, being NICE to myself. I know, this all sounds a bit Psychology Magazine-ish... but well... screw that! 😊

I have a feeling that I'm spot on, this time. And quitting smoking played a huge role. I am going to continue this second year with so much more confidence, what a difference. Keep on keeping on, its worth it all!

Edited September 4, 20196 yr by MLMR

That is wonderful to hear MLMR.   I am also working on those extra 25 pounds I gained during my quit.  I am doing a two mile walk every day.   

I don't think your post sounds Magazinish.  It sounds like you are confident, happy and healthier.   

25 minutes ago, MLMR said:

cinnamon apple pies, 

Sorry, this is all I heard .....................

2 hours ago, MLMR said:

I have a feeling that I'm spot on, this time. And quitting smoking played a huge role.

I am going to continue this second year with so much more confidence, what a difference.

Keep on keeping on, its worth it all!

 

You are spot on, for sure M.  You can trust in yourself now, the days of poison are over.

 

This next year will bring you so much goodness !

 

On 9/4/2019 at 11:19 PM, Linda Thomas said:

  LI am also working on those extra 25 pounds I gained during my quit.  I am doing a two mile walk every day.     

Yeah! 💪 

Isnt it fantastic where we are right now,  compared to last year? I mean... I just woke up, have the day off and plenty plans for today. Usually I made coffee, smoked at least three cigarettes, maybe just one more, and then started doing something, probably taking a shower, and then right after that rushing to ... smoking... the smoke cycle, all day long... 😱

 

 

Yaaaa.....The magic keeps on -a- comin .......