notsmokinjo

So this post is purely to explain where I vanished to...so where did I go?..... too far into my own head...Did I smoke, NOPE!!

So I have a daily battle with anxiety just to walk out my front door, once I'm out I'm usually fine it's just getting out and interacting with that first person....then I'm usually OK until I get home and then the walls close in and the anxiety and doubt starts and I rehash every single interaction from the day from every angle.. so lockdown not so good for me..since late 2019 I have really struggled with my mental health including some suicidal episodes, my health/medications were the trigger but there were underlying things within my character and history and anxieties that fed my freefall. 2020-21 has been really bad for me...I left my job, which I hated, for what I hoped was greener pastures but instead was bad, bad, bad...all my psychological triggers hot switched and I basically worked if I was awake....I was doing more unpaid hours a week than paud hours and being criticised constantly because I wasn't working enough...which just fed that little voice in my head telling me how pathetic I am etc...I couldn't come here because I didn't have time (in my mind) and I couldn't be anything other than negative about anything...every day I saw or heard things that reminded me of here and the guilt I felt by vanishing weighed heavier and heavier and the need to come buck burnt more each day. So in August my radio station started spruiking Aus Music Month...and the happy voice in my head, thr one that had been squashed and silenced for nearly 2 years went, "Oi dipshit, Aus Music Month, one song a day, get your arse back on the train"..and I started working on a play list...a few days later I quit the job from he'll on a whim...then one of the dearest friends I've ever had, but never met, went on a campaign of sms to put a cracker up my arse to get me back, then I landed a new job, strict hours easier work, more money, win, win, win... and here I am back. Where I feel I belong, where I've just been accepted back, no questions, no awkwardness, as if I didn't vanish and ghost you all. Am I better?, will I ever be, probably not, and I making changes to improve things yep....Fark I missed you mob, every frickin day..

So that's why I vanished, my brains broken and I thought you deserved better than my presence (see brains broke)... I know, and I've always known you mob don't care and accept all my crazy, just need to do it myself.

Finally, to all my friends here, which us pretty much the lot of you, I am sorry. Sorry I vanished. Sorry despite knowing in my heart you wouldn't care that I couldn't be miss positivity and sunshine you mob wouldn't care I ran and hid. It was a shitty thing to do and the fact you have welcomed me back as I never left just proves what wonderful amazing people you all are.