March 8, 20206 yr Author Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. Ornaments When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..' The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay. Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.' Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week. When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay. The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.' 'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
March 9, 20206 yr Paddy decided to open a bakery. One day the health inspector came while Paddy was making some pies, using his false teeth to crimp the edges of the crust. "Stop Paddy, what are you doing. Don't you have a tool?" "Aye", says Paddy, "but I use it for the doughnuts"
March 13, 20206 yr A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday." Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?" (You're gonna love this.) The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone." (You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)
March 22, 20206 yr How can you tell if an Aggie is married? ............... He's got Copenhagen running down both sides of his truck.
March 24, 20206 yr Author Something I hope makes you smile today ?!!! Paddy: “Hey look! there’s a flock of cows” Mick: “Herd” Paddy: “What?” Mick: “Herd of cows” Paddy: “Of course I’ve heard of cows! There’s a flock of them over there!”
March 28, 20206 yr Author A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
March 28, 20206 yr Mark Rippetoe has added a joke(s) of the week segment to his podcast. Typically read when he finishes the "comments from the haters" segment. He had a couple of good ones this week. The female gorilla at the zoo goes into heat and is tearing the place to shreds. The zoo doesn't have a mature male gorilla to mate with the female. The zoo workers are at a loss, then they notice the guy who works cleaning up all of the animal excrement. He's a great big guy, tall and burly, hairy and dirty. They think to themselves: he could pass for a male gorilla. They approach the guy and ask: "Would you be willing to have sex with a gorilla for $500?" He thinks for a second and says: "I'll do it, but it might take me a couple of weeks to come up with the $500." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ A man is sitting in the den with a duck in his lap. His wife walks in and says: "what the hell is going on here?" The man says: "I guess it's time for me to come clean...this is the pig I've been sleeping with." The wife says: "That's not a...." The man says: "I was talking to the duck." Edited March 28, 20206 yr by Boo
April 1, 20206 yr Author A Irishman, Mick goes to the doctor complaining of stomach pain... Doctor: "Well I cant find anything wrong with you , it must be the drinking" Mick : "Ill come back when you're sober Doctor" Paddy and Mick are walking through the woods when they come across a sign that reads " Tree fellers wanted"... "Ah what a shame" says Paddy, "If only Seamus was here with us we all could have applied for that".
April 2, 20206 yr Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A blonde walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her handbag, took a measurement and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "Typical blonde! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"
April 8, 20206 yr Why do potatoes make the best detectives? Spoiler Because they keep their eyes peeled 😂😂
April 10, 20206 yr True conversation just had with the kid. Me: mumble some bullshit under my breath Miss14: are you reading outloud or inloud? Me: inloud Miss14: I didn't mean to say that but have you met my mum, what hope have I got.
April 10, 20206 yr Warning...just be careful, if you get an email titled "Knock, knock" it's a Jehovah's Witness working from home.
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.