October 15, 201510 yr i want one. im too insane. needy anxious sad histrionic angry lonely out-of-breath
October 15, 201510 yr Except Bi-polar. I don't think I'm that for real. but my husband may disagree. :)
October 15, 201510 yr Author I don't know if I'm bi-polar. If I were to slap a DSM on myself, I think it would be borderline personality disorder. I don't know though. But who gives a flying ****? It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.I just want a cigarette so much.
October 15, 201510 yr Why smoke? Do you wanna keep smoking? Burning your lungs? or do you wanna have the magic one that Always turns into a pack? Girl you've come so far. don't give in now. You seem to say you're unstable? If I'm reading correct a smoke will only make you anxious, I'd visit my doc and consider MAYBE medication. MAYBE you need that little support, but you cetainly don't need a smokefix, NEVER
October 15, 201510 yr So, a sick society can be interpreted in many ways. I don't know what a DSM is. I was just kinda joking about really having all those symptoms. Sorry. I guess my basic point is that we can choose to smoke or not smoke. I choose to not smoke.
October 15, 201510 yr Author I miss my cigarettes...glossing over my neediness - - - granting a sense of independence...my lifelong, true friend. I know all the truth behind this stuff but the current emotions are so much. I'm pretty sure it's late and I'm gonna fall asleep but this is so screwy....such a screwy addiction. I just finally stopped tormenting my boyfriend after 3 hours...kept making an unreasonable demand and expecting him to just be here right now (when it makes no sense for him to drive an hour up this late at night when he has to work in a few hours and he doesn't feel well and he can't see that great at night). I hate being like this. I'm actually trying to get him to break up with me - - - - he won't do it. I don't want him to do it. I just can't stand myself so I can't understand how he can stand me. I feel like I REALLY wasn't THIS bad when I was smoking. And I know I have these exceptional moments of peace and grace and patience (which I never had as a smoker) but this is incredibly challenging. I don't know why the addiction has chosen to attack me so HARD this late in the game. It's bizarre and weird and crappy.
October 15, 201510 yr Better to post your rants and conundrums here than light up one of those disgusting, suffocating deathsticks. They don't put it in the DSM margins but seasonal changes effect some folks. The whole, something's in the air, might have also been what motivated you to quit at this time last year. IDK, just a thought to your why now.
October 15, 201510 yr Author Thanks RunFree - I think you're right. Plus, my Quitversary is my big bro's death date (Nov.6 2009). I designed it that way but I haven't faced down the approach yet. My brain just thought: "well, maybe I can be an October smoker." Argh
October 15, 201510 yr Tough times. Not because of cigarettes, but because the tough things are asking you to face strong emotional experiences without your traditional coping crutch. You can beat this TEW. The cravings are illusions, grief in a dangerous coat. You are strong. You won't smoke.
October 15, 201510 yr Don't smoke sweetheart...it won't change anything... I wish I had quit...years and years before I did...your amazin....feel proud....
October 15, 201510 yr Hopefully you wake up feeling better. Everyone has to deal with the crap that life throws as us. Only the stupid people need a cigarette to do so (and that is not us anymore, you, me, or anyone else here).
October 15, 201510 yr TEW, you can do this, I struggle all the way up to the year and completely get what you are saying because it is the way I see it too. We both know the truth about cigarettes but I still feel lost sometimes without them, it just takes longer for some Than others. I bet if you actually visualized yourself smoking it would be gross and you wouldn't do it. BUT! Still it is there, that sense of missing something even after all this time. For me it was when I accepted that this is me but no matter what I'm not going back to that again. I now have some relief. You have tough so hard to get to where you at now there is absolutely nothing that smoking can do to help youThis poem has always stuck in my mind, I don't want to be like this and you don't too: Walking On A Slow Suicidal Track "Hiding from my wife and children, I secretly walk out of the house; I can't resist the feeling that this smoking arouse. I light up the cigarette every hour without a brake; Though I'd love to live long, but I know I'm walking on a Slow Suicidal Track. Though I love her a lot, but still we often fight; The never ending discussion of what is wrong and what is right? I'd love to somehow fill our relation's ever occurring cracks; Though I want to live a happy life, but with smoking, I know I'm walking on a Slow Suicidal Track. In the price of my expensive cigarette, a hungry soul could have a meal; In the time I finish one, 50 children would have lost their lives, it's true but seems so unreal. I never knew with my one cigarette so much was at stake; Though I'd like to save their lives but with smoking I find myself on a Slow Suicidal Track. My kids don't come close to me, my breath repels them; My wife won't love, my parents won't talk, my life, it is mayhem! They all in one voice say, if I don't quit smoking, there won't be many candles on my birthday Cake; I know they're right, but still I haven't quit, I'm still walking on this Slow Suicidal Track Though I'm pretty young but I can't walk long, don't feel strong, I feel very old; "This Cigarette is a medicine my friend", Oh! It all began with this lie that jerk sold! The blood, the cough, the cancer and tar have filled up to my mouth and my neck; And I being an idiot still walked on the Slow Suicidal Track. I don't want to suffer it all just to light the fire and to give in to my pity desire; If I don't quit I'd lose it all, now to quit it forever is what I aspire. I suffered a lot, I had enough, this misery has to end and now there's no turning back! I Stop, I Quit, I know I have walked enough on this Slow Suicidal track. Please listen my friend, if you use tobacco or smoke it too, Don't give in, the quitting is hard just in the first day or two. Now since you've begun don't fallback, attack! there's nothing you lack, There's no use on walking on this, let's smack! this dirty Suicidal Track!"
October 15, 201510 yr Same advise I gave other day...go sit in a bucket of ice and cool your ass off.....mind wound tight and needs to snap back to correct thinking...your fine and you just need to know it.
October 15, 201510 yr So... aren't you having a time of it. Inbetween thoughts of being batshit and thoughts of smoking...are you doing anything to acknowledge and manage these moods? Any natural endorphin lifts, looking at guided meditation (sounds like a croc, an actual brain saver!), walking in nature, practising gratitude (not the fake shiz, the wake and pick one good thing and hold it for the day). I don't often bring my weird to this non smoking forum but it sounds an awful lot like I go through when I'm ascending spiritually...if it's nonsense to you then all good but maybe have a google of spiritual awakening type symptoms? Aside from that, addiction baby - it's a bitch! It see's a milestone coming and makes a real last grab for you I think! Many off us got talked down off the ceiling around 9 months and 1 year...pissed as hell at ourself for getting back here...but it's just a phase...this too really does pass!! Oh and don't smoke...cause that would make you a dumb ass and you're not a dumb ass! Much love. x
October 15, 201510 yr Hey there hang in there you can do this fight for it dont give up.asking for help proves you dont want to smoke hugs from texas believe in your self smoking is not your friend.
October 15, 201510 yr Tew. You better not smoke!!!! Stop fixating on that one cigarette darling. You are driving yourself insane. Obsessing. Enough! Smoking is it an option! Make it not an option.
October 15, 201510 yr Author Made it till the morning - always a solid sign. Relapses have traditionally occurred at night (for the most part). I may continue to produce more rambling rants until this reptile mind quiets down. I thank you all for contributing to/supporting my goal - quitting these things is such a central goal in my life and I don't know how I would have gotten this far without a lifeline like Quittrain. More to come... hopefully all will settle. <3
October 15, 201510 yr Made it till the morning - always a solid sign. Relapses have traditionally occurred at night (for the most part). I may continue to produce more rambling rants until this reptile mind quiets down. I thank you all for contributing to/supporting my goal - quitting these things is such a central goal in my life and I don't know how I would have gotten this far without a lifeline like Quittrain. More to come... hopefully all will settle. <3 the ones who relapse are the ones who either argue with everyone looking to make an excuse to leave....and then smoke or....stay quiet for fear of being judged for struggling...and then finally caving in to the voice inside their head That's not you...you are here...you are in it to fight....you won't smoke, I am sure of it!! Having the struggle and working through it is a sign of strength...not weakness. You are a warrior TEW!! Stay here and post all you need! :)
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