At 92 years of age my mother insists on living alone in Florida, states away from either of her 2 children. She always swore that she did not expect either daughter to run down to Florida all the time to take care of Mom. But now that is exactly what she is expecting. I finally figured out that she justifies it to herself by saying, "I would never exploit my daughters or expect too much from them. Therefore, what I am asking now, this time, is just a small thing-- not exploitative at all." (But she tells that to herself every time.) To me, that sounds an awful lot like the junkie thinking that kept us all hooked on nicotine (as in "I'm not addicted. I smoke because I like to smoke.")

 

People are funny, aren't they? The twists and turns our minds make to justify what we want-- amazing!  :)

 

PS-- I finally put my foot down and said, "No, I'm not coming this time." Boy, am I in the sh*t house! :(

You're right Chrysalis you have to put your foot down for your own sanity, how far away are you from your mams house? Will she not speak to you now?

My mother in law is such hard work, she is 80 this year and she is such a horrible person, her husband died 10 years ago and my hubbys brother lives in England and he has no other siblings so he is constantly over at hers doing one thing or another for her, she is sooo bitchy and demanding and such an attention seeker,

Families are massive pains in the bum!!!!

Hi, Sue,

 

I live in Georgia and my mother lives in Florida-- about 500 miles away. But as your situation illustrates, the point is not the distance. It's about exploitation and taking advantage of people whether you are 500 miles or 5 miles apart. I love my mother very much and I have done and will continue to do lots and lots of things to help her out. I have been to Florida to help her and/or visit with her 4 times so far this year and will go there at least once more this year. My sister has done the same. That is in addition to the 3-4 hours a week I put into managing her finances, paying her bills, arranging for someone to fix her sprinkler system, recruiting a new cleaning lady for her, etc. etc.

 

I believe that it is ethically required that we make sure that our parents are safe and adequately cared for. But that does not mean that we, personally, have to do everything for them. It is sufficient that we take steps to hire people or get our parents signed up with Medicaid or various social service agencies or assisted living facilities and so on to make sure that our parents are OK. Despite my repeated requests, my mother refused to relocate to be closer to me. That is her right. But I do not have to twist myself into a pretzel to care for her in order to satisfy that whim. 

 

If your mother-in-law is taking advantage of your husband that is your husband's fault, not your mother-in-law's fault. Nobody can take advantage of anybody without their acquiescence. That applies to aging parents, dependent adult children, or friends or neighbors. The problem is that most people want everybody to love them. So they will do ANYTHING in order to avoid arguments or complaints of, "If you loved me you would do this for me." My mother actually said that she expected that I would cut off my right arm for her if she needed it. That's a lot to expect, don't you think? And in point of fact, if my arm was a life-or-death matter, I might even do that. But when the issue is that she wants me to stop my life again so I can come to Florida to care for her for 2 weeks so she doesn't have to hire a home health aide (which she can well afford) then my answer is "No."

 

I am different from most people. I am able to decide for myself what I think is reasonable and to draw a line there. If people get mad at me and call me selfish, so be it. I KNOW that I am not selfish. I know how much I do for other people (and how little they usually do for me). My conscience is clear so let them be angry. And, yes, my mother is still speaking to me. She got my sister to come to Florida instead of me, so Mom was happy. Of course, now my sister is not speaking to me because I "dumped" Mom on her. Obviously, my sister, like your husband, can't say "No" so I'm the jerk. 

 

Ah, families!!  :(

While I understand this is not your situation, Chrys,

you brought up 'moral and ethical obligations'.

 

I do not feel morally or ethically obligated

to care for ANYONE who is damaging to me or was damaging to me in the past.  Mentally or physically.

 

I am not morally or ethically obligated to even have contact with that crap.

Once that line of abuse is crossed

it is OVER.  Forever.  Done.

I don't give a fig who you are or your relation to me.

I just did the math, and I have worked 75 hours and counting since Monday.  Thank goodness I'm on salary.

I just did the math, and I have worked 75 hours and counting since Monday.  Thank goodness I'm on salary.

You rock Ava :)

Can't sleep and nobody wants to play the numbers game, the real one :(

Can't sleep and nobody wants to play the numbers game, the real one :(

6.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Two days straight, I've felt so nauseous and on the verge of vomiting, especially after eating. I don't think I'm overeating, so I don't understand why my body hates me right now. I also keep getting headaches.

 

Harrumph. 

I don't know what's wrong with me. Two days straight, I've felt so nauseous and on the verge of vomiting, especially after eating. I don't think I'm overeating, so I don't understand why my body hates me right now. I also keep getting headaches.

 

Harrumph. 

I could be wrong, but...Sounds like maybe not eating enough or regular enough.  That would happen to me anytime I would go and shrink my stomach/appetite.  Feel better!

I could be wrong, but...Sounds like maybe not eating enough or regular enough.  That would happen to me anytime I would go and shrink my stomach/appetite.  Feel better!

 

That makes sense!

 

Thanks Colleen. :)

Hope you feel better Leanna!

Really shitty day.  Shittiest one in a while.  Just needed to vent somewhere.  That is all.

:)

WTF

What

PISSED,  Just pissed!!... I've brought up me get'n a part time job when HB retires  a few times over the last 6 months or so,  and he pretty much ignored me, brushed me off, changed the subject or said I couldn't get hired because I don't have any work skills ( he's right about that )..

 

.I brought it up again last night.. this time he said I 'should just stop talk'n about cuz no wife of his was gonna work'... I told him he couldn't stop me from trying,  so he  says he wouldn't watch my dog  (who is 12 - is all but blind,deaf and has other health issues so has to be watched constantly) ..  if I "actually got some idiot to hire me"....

 

 Now I know HB is  a hard nose, no nonsense, stand his ground no matter what, take no prisoners kind of guy.. but this time he's REALLY pissed me off !!!!!!!!!!   

If your independence is really important to you, use the money from your job to hire a dog-sitter (and blow your husband a raspberry every morning as you leave for work :P ). And, yes, of course you can get a job! You may have to start at the bottom in a minimum wage job and work your way up, but you can certainly find something.  

A www Lace.

 

Sorry to hear this.

 

You probably know hubby better than me...but

 

Me Tarzan. You Lace. Me strong. You weak. Me provide. You thank.

 

What? You quit drinking? Hmmmm...

 

What you quit smoking? Hmmmmm

 

What? You driving? You making cabinets?

 

Hmmmmm

 

 

 

 

 

You still need Tarzan?

 

We tarzans are pretty much fragile little ego babies underneath you know...

 

Except Bakon and Me. We is Renaissance Men. 'Innit.

Aww lace....tell him women got the vote along time ago honey....

Hope you work something out ....just for you....you deserve it ....

PISSED,  Just pissed!!... I've brought up me get'n a part time job when HB retires  a few times over the last 6 months or so,  and he pretty much ignored me, brushed me off, changed the subject or said I couldn't get hired because I don't have any work skills ( he's right about that )..

 

.I brought it up again last night.. this time he said I 'should just stop talk'n about cuz no wife of his was gonna work'... I told him he couldn't stop me from trying,  so he  says he wouldn't watch my dog  (who is 12 - is all but blind,deaf and has other health issues so has to be watched constantly) ..  if I "actually got some idiot to hire me"....

 

 Now I know HB is  a hard nose, no nonsense, stand his ground no matter what, take no prisoners kind of guy.. but this time he's REALLY pissed me off !!!!!!!!!!

 

And I would get a job just to pay for the doggy day care to watch the dog just to shove it in his face that we are in 2014/5 and women are here for more than just serving men. Grrrr.

And there are plenty of jobs that you can get Lace. Retail, reception, etc.

Thanks for the advice, I looked for pet sitters  and WOW that was a shock, they start at $10 an hour!!!!... I did get an email from one lady who said she'd sit for a flat $50 a day, but couldn't do weekends... soo I guess I'll put it on the back shelve till HB actually retires and see what the situation is then.

 

EL B, yeah, I thought about HB not like'n all the changes I've been  making in my life, and it might be a bit threating to him, I could cut him some slack on that,... BUT it felt to me like he was using my fur baby as a weapon  against me to get his way.. and THAT doesn't sit well   :angry:  

Thanks for the advice, I looked for pet sitters  and WOW that was a shock, they start at $10 an hour!!!!... I did get an email from one lady who said she'd sit for a flat $50 a day, but couldn't do weekends... soo I guess I'll put it on the back shelve till HB actually retires and see what the situation is then.

 

EL B, yeah, I thought about HB not like'n all the changes I've been  making in my life, and it might be a bit threating to him, I could cut him some slack on that,... BUT it felt to me like he was using my fur baby as a weapon  against me to get his way.. and THAT doesn't sit well   :angry:

 

Thanks for the advice, I looked for pet sitters  and WOW that was a shock, they start at $10 an hour!!!!... I did get an email from one lady who said she'd sit for a flat $50 a day, but couldn't do weekends... soo I guess I'll put it on the back shelve till HB actually retires and see what the situation is then.

 

EL B, yeah, I thought about HB not like'n all the changes I've been  making in my life, and it might be a bit threating to him, I could cut him some slack on that,... BUT it felt to me like he was using my fur baby as a weapon  against me to get his way.. and THAT doesn't sit well   :angry:

 

Lace...how about you become a pet sitter? That way you won't need a sitter for thr dog. Just a thought.

Thanks for the advice, I looked for pet sitters  and WOW that was a shock, they start at $10 an hour!!!!... I did get an email from one lady who said she'd sit for a flat $50 a day, but couldn't do weekends... soo I guess I'll put it on the back shelve till HB actually retires and see what the situation is then.

 

EL B, yeah, I thought about HB not like'n all the changes I've been  making in my life, and it might be a bit threating to him, I could cut him some slack on that,... BUT it felt to me like he was using my fur baby as a weapon  against me to get his way.. and THAT doesn't sit well   :angry:

 

We Tarzans get very inventive when we are scared...

 

Red has a cracking idea up above too!

We Tarzans get very inventive when we are scared...

 

Red has a cracking idea up above too!

Confucius say: "The biggest indication that a guy is feeling threatened and insecure is that he denies that he is feeling threatened and insecure." 

 

Edith Ann says, "And that's the truth!"  :P