Cristóbal

Posted on QSMB Dec 17 2013 by JWG When my son was young he would walk to the end of the drive to wait for the school bus. I would stand at the bay window off the side nook of our home where I could look down the drive and watch until he safely got on board. Sounding like a good father this may be. But in actuality I found I enjoyed the heat off the glass and watching the life outdoors from the birds to the ever changing leaves of the seasons. Here I would smoke my morning cigarette. It wasn’t long I had moved a small bench near the window so I could sit and be a bit more comfortable And take in a bit more of my surroundings. I bought a nice brass ashtry on a stand to place next to my bench and would bring in my newspaper into the nook ., By the following year I came to realize It wasn’t much of a bench or that comfortable, So I decided to have some work done to the room and to the window I had a much better built in bench placed into the wall almost making me like a cat sitting on a lagre comfy ledge over looking the world , searching for his pray, like that fat robin I watch in the mornings searching out a nice fat worm. On day while peering down the drive , watching , waiting for my son to board the bus, I noticed a shadowy figure standing off to his side. I would not say it a ghost or man, just an odd shadowy figure,, quite perplex this left me , almost to the point of quizzy, what was this figure ,, what was it doing out there ? For the next few mornings to weeks perhaps months I would watch with an unsettling intent ,, always wondering , what was this figure, a shadow from a limb or tree ? In the afternoons if I were to walk to the end of the drive never was there any evidence of such a figure, questioning my son , was always the same “ your crazy” he would Say. But No I was not crazy ,, I saw what I saw and what I saw was a real as you and me. As the years past , I began to come to terms with the figure at the end of the drive , I knew well whatever it was meant my son no harm. But still each day I found myself looking out the window.. Years would pass , no longer did my son need a protective eye to watch him get on to the bus. But still each morning I went to the window for my morning coffee , cigarette and newspaper. Always peering down the drive slowly it was becoming obvious the figure had turned its sights to me,, no longer was I the watcher , but now the watchy. And with this the hair on the back of my neck stood up, Schools years would come and go, Jason would be moving in the fall to attend collage and I found my self remolding more and more I had moved my study down into nook , moved a side wall expanding the nook itself allowing me more room, I worked from home and really found with these accommodations I was just fine, plus saving me time from going up and down the stairs so much. At once this shadowy figure a bit of amusement now each day an every growingly obsession, a looming haunt always in the back of my mind. Never was it different from one day to the next , but over the years it was easy to see this was a man in grim black suit complete with over coat and hat. For years I asked visitors that would stop by , “what they thought of the man at the end of my drive ?” always to be givng the same response “ Still on that kick” so in time I stoped asking , I came to except it was only myself that could see him. But as a say , what I saw , I saw , and he was real. As real as you or I. By the second year Jason had moved out , my work had slowed down. To save some money on heating and other bills I pretty much moved myself completely into the nook , which now was more like a tiny apt. I had a small bed and fridge a microwave, my coffee pot . Sure I would still make it threw the maze the rest of the down stairs had become to make it into the kitchen if need be. But for the most part I was fine in my cubby. With less work these days I found myself spending more on my bench smoking my cigarettes watching my mystery man in black. With the difference being now slowly I could see he was approaching the house. Not each day could I notice, but slowly, ever so slowly he was making his way down the drive. Until the morning I woke to look out the window and there he stood straight across the drive. I knew then , right then.. Who had come calling ! His eyes were hallow as if none were there at all. His face a slunken gray like dead skin draped across a skelton . No longer was his black suit of fine linen now a grab more like canvas with a hood from the top of his head dragging past his feet. No more then I peered into his sullun face, he turned abruptly proceeding down the drive. I knew with out a doubt . His next stop was the front door. Dizzzy, breathless, my knees week ,, I stammered back, the back of my knees hit a recliner I had set up. nto which I fell. Sitting there now lost reality was gone ,, where was I ? what was going on ? what had I done ? I reached for a cigarette to comfort me , to guide me, to give me answers. And there I sat and smoked . Looking down on to my cracked and dried skin, stained yellow from years of tar and nicotine. I saw all the answers I was looking for. With my own two hands I molded my own death , from once only a shadowy figure at the end of my drive to a creature from the underworld. I forged my own end, one cigarette at a time. One day after another ,one year after another, all the while knowing death was monitoring my every move. Why did I not stop? I could have quit ,millions do it every day. Why did I not run from this house? was I blind, a fool ? Or an addict appeasing myself, to avoid the discomforts of nicotine withdrawal… *rasp*rasp*rasp* The cold steal of his scythe rattles the front glass… In Memory of JWG - Reposted by Cristóbal JWG Died of Lung Cancer shortly before his 4 Year Anniversary, 6 weeks after his diagnosis.

Posted on QSMB Aug 31 2010 by JWG I see you standing outside the store.. Braving up to go inside I see you out side the bowling ally. Wanting for you turn I see you outside the bar. Waiting for the waitress to return I see you outside the mall , thinking I hope they wont be long I see you outside airport, just to pick someone up,, never to fly I see you outside the school. Remembering where this all began I see you outside your job, just wishing you worked form home I see you outside the train, thinking its just for thirty minutes I see you outside the restaurant, waiting to get a seat I see you outside the theater hoping you didn’t miss much I see you outside the gym. Looking especially stupid there I see you outside your home: not wanting it to stink I see you outside the bus; wishing you had your car I see you out side the Dr. office think of some good lies I see out side the hospital ,, thinking test can be wrong I see you inside the funeral home . Looking very peaceful I see you inside the church.. My you had a lovely family Dear smoker Did You Enjoy your Time Outside? In Memory of JWG - Reposted by Cristóbal JWG Died of Lung Cancer shortly before his 4 Year Anniversary, 6 weeks after his diagnosis.

It will soon be 6 years....... Cristóbal

It looked weird because smoking *IS* weird! It takes some time after you quit smoking, but you then start to realize that the process of inhaling into your delicate lungs hot stinky smoke from a burning roll of paper and tobacco just does not make sense. The only reason we ever "liked" smoking, is because it stopped the nicotine withdrawl symptoms that started as soon as we put out the previous cigarette. The reality of smoking - once you remove nicotine addiction from the situation - is in reality absurd, and gross. Cristóbal

I also quit on a whim (see my signature !!!). I woke up one morning, looked at the cigarettes on the table by my bed. I remember thinking I was so tired of smoking, and at that moment I made a decision to not smoke any more. I smoked for 30 years, about 2 packs a day for most years, and had never quit, or really thought very much about quitting. My quit was very easy. Too easy I think !!! I did not tell my wife, who was also a smoker, but she realized very quickly I was not smoking and she quit a week after I did. Her quit was very difficult, but now we are both quit for almost 6 years and still help others quit. In the internet, she prefers to help in Facebook, and I prefer to help in regular forums. We also both help others personally to quit. For both of us, it was the best decision we ever made. If you are still smoking, and think you cannot quit, keep reading in this forum. The real truth is that all smokers can quit, even you. Once you realize that smoking is really about nicotine addiction, and get further education about it, your fears will disappear and you will successfully find the freedom you are looking for. Cristóbal

Hi Diane, Welcome to QuitTrain, and thank you for the great post !!! Life is so much better as a non-smoker, I am glad to see that you are taking advantage of your beautiful freedom and living life as we all should live it. Cristóbal

Repost: First Posted 13 October 2013 by Cristóbal If you really think about it, the only time a cigarette really tasted good is......never. We only smoked to stop withdrawl symptoms. Because of this, we mentally associated the taste of smoke with stopping withdrawl symptoms.....from this came our ideas of "a good cigarette". The reality of smoking is that the actual taste of tobacco was never very good, and most of us would never had smoked tobacco if it did not have any nicotine. Cristóbal

I do not smoke any more - or even think I may want to smoke any more - because of two things: 1. Freedom !!!! 2. Not knowing what horrible future may wait for me if I had continued to smoke. Cristóbal

Hello Jon, Welcome to QuitTrain !!! When you threw your quits away, you did this because you believed that smoking still offered to you some benefits. You may think that smoking would help with your work stress, but the reality of this is that it is simply a lie that nicotine addiction generates in your brain. After we quit, we need to understand that we will be facing situation triggers in which our brain tell us that we should smoke. When we experience these triggers, we learn to recognize them for what they are (false mental reminder signals to smoke), and wait until they pass (they always do). Then, next time you experience the same situation that was a trigger, often the trigger is very weak or simply does not happen again. Understanding these events, are why education about the process of quitting smoking is so important. This forum can help you with this education. This video helps explain, why smoking makes us believe that it helps us with stress.....and more importantly, why in reality, it does not. Cristóbal

Welcome Joel !!! I am so glad to see that you have joined the forum. Cristóbal

If you have just quit or plan on quitting soon, be sure to watch Joel Spitzer´s video for 2018 New Years Quitters, and then check the resources link for additional support. JOEL SPITZER - Resources Link Cristóbal

Hello Tyme2B, How are you doing with your quit ??? Cristóbal

Some people are amazed that even though they may have several weeks or months quit, that they still do not feel completely "normal", and continue to miss smoking. When this happens, figure your "Quit Days %" and then you will see why. The way to calculate this is: Number of Years Smoked x 365 = Smoke Days. Number of Days Not Smoked = Quit Days. Then, Quit Days ÷ Smoke Days = "Quit Days %". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I will go first, to be the first example. I smoked for about 30 years. 30 years x 365 = 10,950 Smoke Days. As of today, I have not smoked for 5 years, 2 months, 7 days. This period of times = 1904 Quit Days. Then, 1904 Quit Days ÷ 10,950 Smoke Days = 17.388%. This is my "Quit Days %". In other words, even at more than 5 years since my last cigarette, as of today I have been quit for only 17.388% of the total time I smoked. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Now, let us take as the second example a smoker who smoked for 30 years, and has been quit for just 4 months. These 4 months might seem like a very long time to the ex-smoker, but it is nothing when compared to 30 years. This smoker who smoked for 30 years, has 30 years x 365 = 10,950 Smoke Days. Quit time of 4 months = 120 Quit Days. 120 Quit Days ÷ 10,950 Smoke Days = Quit Days % of just 1.096%, of the total time the smoker smoked. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Smoking had a deep impact on us physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. A lot of the physical damage can be repaired in a time period of about 10 years, but some of it can never be repaired - the damage is done !!! The mental, emotional, and spiritual damage can be repaired much quicker, since all of us at one time were never smokers. None of us started life with a cigarette in the mouth !!! We all know how to live life as non-smokers, we just need to remember how to do it again. And time is what is needed for that to happen. It is my experience working with others, that how quickly one becomes very comfortable in these 3 areas depends on the person and also their understanding of nicotine addiction. The more a person understands the process of separation from the active addiction, it seems to me the quicker the good comfort levels of being a non-smoker return. What is important to understand, is that the first year as a non-smoker will be spent confronting triggers, many of them that are seasonal. Once you arrive at your first year anniversary, most people can say that they are making very good progress adjusting to life as a non-smoker. Cristóbal

Good for you! Smoking a cigarette would not have accomplished anything except throwing away your quit. It would not have fixed your car faster, or made the truck arrive more quicker. Common sense !!! Cristóbal

There are 10,000 cigarettes in this foto (I have seen it before). If you smoke a pack a day, you smoke 7300 cigarettes a year, almost what is in this foto. How awful and disgusting !!! Cristóbal

If I had known how simple it is to quit, and about the tremendous benefits that would wait for me as a non-smoker, I would have quit many years ago. Cristóbal

Hi Tyme2B, You will find your strength for your commitment with education about nicotine addiction. Keep this in mind always, because quitting smoking is really about putting nicotine addiction to sleep. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. All of us smoked because we are nicotine addicts - not for any other reason. The addiction puts lies in your head (I like smoking; I cannot quit; Smoking relaxes me; I cannot handle stress without cigarettes; I can´t quit right now it is not the right time; etc.........the lies are endless). All of these positive things that we feel that smoking did for us, are simply lies that the addiction created in our heads. And the excuses we used to avoid quitting smoking, are simply erroneous rationalzations that are based on these lies. I repeat, and emphasize: You will find your freedom from this awful, cruel, and deadly addiction - and the strenth for your commitment - through EDUCATION. With this in mind, I highly recommend the youtube videos of Joel Spitzer, who is a good personal friend of mine and also of some other members of this board. You may find his videos here: https://www.youtube.com/user/joelspitz Joel has hundreds of videos on his youtube page. Put them on automatic reproduction and just let them play !!! I also recommend that you visit whyquit.com where Joel is education director - Maryland Quitter has a link and comments about this webpage and about Joel here on QuitTrain https://quittrainblog.com/whyquit/ You have great support for your quit right here on this forum! We can also help you with the education process, and of course are always here whenever you need us. Jump ! We will catch you ! Finally, I would like to say that every smoker can quit smoking permanently. Once you stop believing the lies the addiction creates in your brain, you will lose your desire to ever smoke a cigarette again. Cristóbal

I am young, I have plenty of time to quit. Cristóbal

Hello Tyme2B, Smoking did not change in any way the outcome of the events that you used as excuse to smoke again. It did not make 50 emails, become 0. It did not make the 2 crying phone calls, become none. It did not make your mother's suicide threat, less severe or urgent. The only thing that you accomplished, was you used these events as excuses to threw away your precious new quit and freedom from slavery, and returned to the horror of active addiction. Now, who knows how long it may be before you find the courage and the desire to start a new quit. Many people do exactly what you do, smoke for years more in the "comfort" of the addiction, and then return to the quit smoking forums years later when they are diagnosed with a smoking related disease, and are forced to quit. Others, die before they can even make it back to a quit smoking forum. The words "dying of lung cancer", "amputation of feet and legs", "24 hour oxygen", cannot in any way describe the reality of the horrors of these diseases and conditions that can make the rest of your life become living hell until the day you die. Of course you can quit. You were not born with a cigarette in your mouth, were you? Of course not. Smoking is a acquired addiction, and it is simple to make it UN-aquired. The only thing that you need in order to quit smoking, is to make a commitment to yourself, to never take another puff. Any difficulties you may as you start your quit, are simply temporary noise in your life caused by a chemical addiciton with no intelligence as it goes to sleep, and are absolutely nothing compared to the horrors that have a high possibility of becoming your permanent reality, if you continue to smoke. The non-smoker that you want to be, you already are. You just need to remove the active addiction from your life. Once you do that, you will with time comfortably become the non-smoker that you used to be. Starting right in this moment, make that commitment. Now !!! And keep that commitment. Nothing more....and nothing less, is needed for your to get your sticky quit. Cristóbal

I want people to think of me and remember me as glamorous. Cristóbal

I like the social aspects of smoking.....it is always good to smoke with another smoker. Cristóbal

Smoking relaxes me. Cristóbal

FEAR = False.Expectations.Appearing.Real Cristóbal

I quit (cold turkey) because I woke one morning and realized I was just tired of smoking. It was a spontaneous decision I made, without ever really planning to quit before the day I did. I was a smoker of 30 years, 2 packs a day in the last years. It is easy to quit smoking when you do not want to smoke any more. And if you have a difficult time with your quit, it is education about smoking and quitting that will make you not want to smoke any more. Cristóbal

Next time you see smokers that are apparently enjoying themselves, in your mind stop in a conscious manner the false association of smoking making activities more enjoyable. The reality is that the only reason why smokers smoke, is to avoid withdrawl symptoms. This is nothing to feel deprived about. To the contrary, smoking makes all activities *LESS* enjoyable. Once you make this mental correction, look carefully again at what you are seeing. You will then realize that the non-smokers are actually having a better time with their activities than the smokers. Non-smokers always are more relaxed and enjoy themselves more in all situations and activities because they do not have to smoke every 20 minutes, physically look better (no gray face and less wrinkles), have more energy, in general have better health, and are able to enjoy much more food and drinks (much better senses of taste and smell). Cristóbal