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Everything posted by Oldybutmouldy

  1. Oldybutmouldy


    Everyone gets depressed sometime...…. I seem to be depressed all of the time, but I have this most wonderful mask that I made that hides it from everyone - we all have one - the one that we call our 'everyday face'. My everyday face normally has a wide smile on it, one with crooked yellowing teeth that is just a silly grin, but it hided the real me that I almost never show to anyone. Those closest to me are the only ones that see my real face more often than not, but even then, I have another mask that I try to keep in place to stop them from sharing as much of my pain as I can, because I love them deeply. I'm here today because it's Christmas and just 3 years and 3 days since my mother died. I had gone sick from work to live with her during her last 3 months of life. She had dystonia from when she was 52 years old, which caused the muscles in her neck and one side of her back to pull her over until she was walking with her head down by her knees. She needed elbow crutches to walk and a wheelchair if she needed to walk more than about 20 yards, but she remained a very strong woman until her death. Those three months were the worst part of my life, but I kept one or other of my masks in place throughout it until the very end, when I could not hold them stable any more. And after she finally died I just collapsed and kept myself numb for months...…. oh god, this is so very, very hard, but so very necessary for me to face up to right now. Need to stop for a while.
  2. Oldybutmouldy

    I am really struggling right now

    It's my one year quit and I am finding just typing this really hard. Life over the last few months has thrown me a couple of curve balls that I am having a hard time coming to terms with, and earlier today I found myself wanting to go out and buy a pack of ciggies for the first time in over 8 months. My goddaughter died in August leaving 3 children all under 11. I was really struggling with a job I love and had to give notice and finished just last week. One daughter is agoraphobic and the other one is pretty depressed so needs a lot of support right now and on top of this I have Fibromyalgia and CFS, the symptoms of which have really been making a nuisance of themselves for a while. I am finding it really hard to distract myself and cannot seem to settle to anything and keep hopping from one thing to another like a demented parrot. I just feel lost and a little out of control.
  3. Oldybutmouldy

    I am really struggling right now

    So I've spent a little while doing something that always manages to pick my mood up (watching feelgood stuff on you tube), and am feeling a little better now. Spending time on you tube watching some amazing people... so am just going to try something I know we used to be able to do on QSMB, and if it turns out ok, hoping it is not against forum rules (have not checked to see), but don't remember anything in the stuff I've seen previously. This amazing young girl reminds me so very much in so many ways of my god daughter Zoe, who died of breast cancer in august. They are both beautiful strong women....
  4. Oldybutmouldy

    I am really struggling right now

    Thank you both.... I suppose I just need to stay in here a little while and find my way around the different places - at least it will give me something to try to concentrate on and help with the distraction techniques!
  5. Oldybutmouldy

    Oldybutmouldy is 1 Year Smoke Free Today!!!

    Thank you all, so very much.... really appreciate this place and all you lovely helpful peeps right now.
  6. Oldybutmouldy

    Sunday 23rd December 2018

    NOPE! I don't smoke....
  7. Oldybutmouldy

    I am really struggling right now

    Thank you all for your responses - I really appreciate them. I guess I am also struggling more with my depressive illness also right now. My mum died on 20th Dec. 2015, so Christmas time is now also not a very easy time for me anymore. I am going over to my goddaughters to help look after the children mostly every other weekend currently, to give their dad and their grandma a bit of a break. I know I will continue to not smoke, as it has cost me a lot to get this far, but as I said at the beginning, I just feel so lost and alone right now. Knowing this community is here where I feel I can at least let a little of that out is very helpful..... so thanks again for that. I used to access QSMB previously to help me when I first quit, but it seems that forum is no longer available. I am really glad I also signed up on this forum. I think maybe I will see if there is a 'pointless' section on here where I can just ramble and release some of my pain rather than on the SOS board. I normally shut myself away from life and most connections with people when I am really struggling like I am currently, but I will try to keep coming in here, if only to just read and maybe react to some posts. I am also spending some time just watching Joel's videos again, and that is helping me. Unfortunately, mainly due to the fibro, but also to some degree to the CFS, going for walks to release some of the stress is no longer a real option for me. Guess I will just have to stick to parking in a field gate and going and sitting in the field whilst throwing a ball for my lovely dog will just have to keep me going on that level. I hope you all have the kind of Christmas you like best. Kind regards..... J
  8. Oldybutmouldy

    Jan 2018 Roll Call

    Did I get the booger off the end of my nose yet??
  9. Oldybutmouldy

    Sunday 31 st December 2017

    Not One Puff Ever again...... Happy New Year to you all...
  10. Oldybutmouldy

    Pig Lover is 11 months free! oink

    Fantastic job...
  11. Oldybutmouldy

    Jules1977 Is 1 Month Quit Today!

    Way to go Jules.....
  12. Oldybutmouldy

    New Year's Quitters

    Yeah..... just grab the rail and hang on.... keep coming in to NOPE each day, and educate yourself... Joel's video's are de best!
  13. Oldybutmouldy

    I don't want to smoke anymore. I can't take it.

    Welcome John.... I learned early, as you probably also did, that there is no i in team.... great that you use 'I will'... but remember the last word... will! You are right.... you made it through afghanistan then you can also do this.... the board will be here, as the info is also here. Use Joel's video's till you can repeat them word for word. Take care and safe hugs... J
  14. Oldybutmouldy

    So its Christmas and

    So that's who nicked the blasted turkey;;;;;
  15. Oldybutmouldy

    So its Christmas and

    whilst I am relaxing quietly just staring at my 'puter..... my bonce starts a conversation it will never win! my body starts talking to itself about who is the boss...... Well the eyes tell them all, I am the boss..... I lead us wherever we need to go because I can read what the signs say... Then the nose says... Yeah, but I can sniff the sh*t out and tell us what we need to avoid stepping in, so I'm the boss.... So the gob responds.... True dat... but I can shout out to you all and let you know you are about to step into the sh*t, so we can walk around it and that saves us from stepping in it but we can still keep to our path....... to keep on keepin' on with our quitting.... So then, the bumhole starts thinking..... and then he tells everyone that he must be the boss..... And so all of the other body parts start laughing.... in fact, the pen*s pisses itself laughing and causes the face to turn red, the eyes pop out of their sockets and the cheeks blow up as if about to explode.... the nose gets stuffed up and cannot function.... the brain starts to get real cloudy and cannot think at all to save it's life..... and lastly, the gob 'ole starts to drip with saliva and cannot say b*gger all.... That's when the bumhole then tells the rest of them... see... I told you I was the boss.... You all laughed at me, so I closed up and refused to work..... and look at you all now.... you can spout on as much as you like, but until you get rid of that sh*t you're smoking, I will continue to refuse to work! So the rest of the body all jumped up and down and agreed that the asshole was the boss after all..... Just don't walk behind him today!!! Cigarettes were never the anchors in our lives that hold us steady.... they were the ropes that kept us tied to the dock while life sailed by! - jwg It is not because you quit...it is because you smoked. It will pass! - Nancy
  16. Oldybutmouldy

    Going Cold Turkey!

    How do I express myself without pictures.. I reach deep down inside myself and give myself permission to feel… to touch the feelings deep down that are hidden… others may be able to see them, but I can’t see… so HAVE to feel them. My feelings are deep, they are sometimes nasty…. They are often scarey. They hurt goddammit… and how can I express that without the bloody pictures I like to paste out there in front of my face… My mask, is so real to me…. I live with it over my face every day…. It is sewn on to my skin. This mask covers my tobacco addiction and helps hold it close to me….. so I really need to let it be lifted off of me. I need to struggle daily to hold this mask away from me and let myself breathe without it restricting me and what I do. If I don’t do this, I know I will die with a mask on my face… and I don’t want that to happen. SO WHERE'S MY TURKEY.... I'LL TAKE IT COLD.....
  17. Oldybutmouldy

    Slap,slap,slap slap

  18. Oldybutmouldy

    wednesday 12/27/2017

    Definate NOPE from me.... watching MJ on Oprah.... and STILL not smoking... but OH BOY... HE IS>... smoking HOT!
  19. Oldybutmouldy

    Gonna be a bear.....

    ROFLMAO>....... yes, it's my blood.... but if you have ever sewn a dress or anything and stuck yourself with a needle???.... it's just like that... but from her, I knew she would do it at some point whenever I handled her... she used to sort of sniff up and down a bit and then choose a spot, and just latch on.... lol.... but it did not really hurt. I'll try and find a pic of my 9 foot lad... they are really gory... of him chowing down on a rat.. and that show's how big there bite is.... it's half way down his throat before I even realised he was looking at me as if to say 'get out of my viv.. or you're next'.... lol
  20. Oldybutmouldy

    Gonna be a bear.....

    In this life I'm a woman. In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months.... I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid.... I could deal with that too..... When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) whilst you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that. If you're a momma bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line... you swat them too. I could deal with that. If you're a bear, you mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. YUP... gonna be a bear!
  21. Oldybutmouldy

    Gonna be a bear.....

    Doreen.... your whites frog looks just like two I used to care for... they were called fug and ugly...
  22. Oldybutmouldy

    OK... next daft question....

    Thank you all for your responses... I think it was a signature thingy I meant... (brain fog/age moment).... but a ticker would be great too.... xx
  23. How do I remove some of the images I have put in my attachments so that I can change a couple of them to add text to the bottom for my signature?? Thanks and Best wishes.... Technobimbo!
  24. Oldybutmouldy

    Merry Christmas!

    Oh bless them.... My friend used to have several saved from the k yard... she used to call the darkest one winky and the lightest one wonky, and the others you.... just you, and point at them when she was talking.... They seemed to understand what she was saying, and they were all beautiful animals. Your two look lovely and healthy.

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