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Everything posted by Oldybutmouldy

  1. So I've spent a little while doing something that always manages to pick my mood up (watching feelgood stuff on you tube), and am feeling a little better now. Spending time on you tube watching some amazing people... so am just going to try something I know we used to be able to do on QSMB, and if it turns out ok, hoping it is not against forum rules (have not checked to see), but don't remember anything in the stuff I've seen previously. This amazing young girl reminds me so very much in so many ways of my god daughter Zoe, who died of breast cancer in august. They are both beautiful strong women....
  2. Everyone gets depressed sometime...…. I seem to be depressed all of the time, but I have this most wonderful mask that I made that hides it from everyone - we all have one - the one that we call our 'everyday face'. My everyday face normally has a wide smile on it, one with crooked yellowing teeth that is just a silly grin, but it hided the real me that I almost never show to anyone. Those closest to me are the only ones that see my real face more often than not, but even then, I have another mask that I try to keep in place to stop them from sharing as much of my pain as I can, because I love them deeply. I'm here today because it's Christmas and just 3 years and 3 days since my mother died. I had gone sick from work to live with her during her last 3 months of life. She had dystonia from when she was 52 years old, which caused the muscles in her neck and one side of her back to pull her over until she was walking with her head down by her knees. She needed elbow crutches to walk and a wheelchair if she needed to walk more than about 20 yards, but she remained a very strong woman until her death. Those three months were the worst part of my life, but I kept one or other of my masks in place throughout it until the very end, when I could not hold them stable any more. And after she finally died I just collapsed and kept myself numb for months...…. oh god, this is so very, very hard, but so very necessary for me to face up to right now. Need to stop for a while.
  3. Thank you both.... I suppose I just need to stay in here a little while and find my way around the different places - at least it will give me something to try to concentrate on and help with the distraction techniques!
  4. Thank you all, so very much.... really appreciate this place and all you lovely helpful peeps right now.
  5. Thank you all for your responses - I really appreciate them. I guess I am also struggling more with my depressive illness also right now. My mum died on 20th Dec. 2015, so Christmas time is now also not a very easy time for me anymore. I am going over to my goddaughters to help look after the children mostly every other weekend currently, to give their dad and their grandma a bit of a break. I know I will continue to not smoke, as it has cost me a lot to get this far, but as I said at the beginning, I just feel so lost and alone right now. Knowing this community is here where I feel I can at least let a little of that out is very helpful..... so thanks again for that. I used to access QSMB previously to help me when I first quit, but it seems that forum is no longer available. I am really glad I also signed up on this forum. I think maybe I will see if there is a 'pointless' section on here where I can just ramble and release some of my pain rather than on the SOS board. I normally shut myself away from life and most connections with people when I am really struggling like I am currently, but I will try to keep coming in here, if only to just read and maybe react to some posts. I am also spending some time just watching Joel's videos again, and that is helping me. Unfortunately, mainly due to the fibro, but also to some degree to the CFS, going for walks to release some of the stress is no longer a real option for me. Guess I will just have to stick to parking in a field gate and going and sitting in the field whilst throwing a ball for my lovely dog will just have to keep me going on that level. I hope you all have the kind of Christmas you like best. Kind regards..... J
  6. It's my one year quit and I am finding just typing this really hard. Life over the last few months has thrown me a couple of curve balls that I am having a hard time coming to terms with, and earlier today I found myself wanting to go out and buy a pack of ciggies for the first time in over 8 months. My goddaughter died in August leaving 3 children all under 11. I was really struggling with a job I love and had to give notice and finished just last week. One daughter is agoraphobic and the other one is pretty depressed so needs a lot of support right now and on top of this I have Fibromyalgia and CFS, the symptoms of which have really been making a nuisance of themselves for a while. I am finding it really hard to distract myself and cannot seem to settle to anything and keep hopping from one thing to another like a demented parrot. I just feel lost and a little out of control.
  7. Did I get the booger off the end of my nose yet??
  8. Not One Puff Ever again...... Happy New Year to you all...
  9. Yeah..... just grab the rail and hang on.... keep coming in to NOPE each day, and educate yourself... Joel's video's are de best!
  10. Welcome John.... I learned early, as you probably also did, that there is no i in team.... great that you use 'I will'... but remember the last word... will! You are right.... you made it through afghanistan then you can also do this.... the board will be here, as the info is also here. Use Joel's video's till you can repeat them word for word. Take care and safe hugs... J
  11. So that's who nicked the blasted turkey;;;;;
  12. How do I express myself without pictures.. I reach deep down inside myself and give myself permission to feel… to touch the feelings deep down that are hidden… others may be able to see them, but I can’t see… so HAVE to feel them. My feelings are deep, they are sometimes nasty…. They are often scarey. They hurt goddammit… and how can I express that without the bloody pictures I like to paste out there in front of my face… My mask, is so real to me…. I live with it over my face every day…. It is sewn on to my skin. This mask covers my tobacco addiction and helps hold it close to me….. so I really need to let it be lifted off of me. I need to struggle daily to hold this mask away from me and let myself breathe without it restricting me and what I do. If I don’t do this, I know I will die with a mask on my face… and I don’t want that to happen. SO WHERE'S MY TURKEY.... I'LL TAKE IT COLD.....
  13. Definate NOPE from me.... watching MJ on Oprah.... and STILL not smoking... but OH BOY... HE IS>... smoking HOT!
  14. ROFLMAO>....... yes, it's my blood.... but if you have ever sewn a dress or anything and stuck yourself with a needle???.... it's just like that... but from her, I knew she would do it at some point whenever I handled her... she used to sort of sniff up and down a bit and then choose a spot, and just latch on.... lol.... but it did not really hurt. I'll try and find a pic of my 9 foot lad... they are really gory... of him chowing down on a rat.. and that show's how big there bite is.... it's half way down his throat before I even realised he was looking at me as if to say 'get out of my viv.. or you're next'.... lol
  15. Doreen.... your whites frog looks just like two I used to care for... they were called fug and ugly...
  16. Thank you all for your responses... I think it was a signature thingy I meant... (brain fog/age moment).... but a ticker would be great too.... xx
  17. Oh bless them.... My friend used to have several saved from the k yard... she used to call the darkest one winky and the lightest one wonky, and the others you.... just you, and point at them when she was talking.... They seemed to understand what she was saying, and they were all beautiful animals. Your two look lovely and healthy.
  18. This is how I rember Tina when I saw her in the UK https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqIpkMDRjYw
  19. I hope this is ok... please let me know if it's unacceptable.... I think I am going to carry on posting on this thread links to music that I love and relate well to...
  20. Oh lord.... please bring back Prince... or Etta James feeling good and shaking her booty.... Think she may have been my momma... Love her....

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