Hi, Elena. I am so very sorry to hear that you are going through a painful separation. Been there. I'm glad you posted here, to let us know what's happening and to share that you smoked. For what it's worth, a few thoughts:
- Many years ago I, too, spent a long time agonizing over a partner's hurtful behavior and mean spirit. Until one day a friend looked at me in exasperation and said, "Why on earth would you still want to be with someone who treated you so badly? Good riddance to bad rubbish if you ask me!" At the time I was totally indignant that my friend would say something so insensitive. But then it hit me over the head that I could be free of the agony if I truly detached from the person who was making me suffer. I literally saw stars. And my life started to get better. Immediately.
- Smoking never brought back anyone we lost. It never righted a wrong. It never filled a hole that was empty. It never healed a broken heart. All it does is make us feel lousy for smoking on top of whatever other crap we're wrestling with. The addiction knows when we're vulnerable and uses that as a moment to pounce. We have to fight back.
I'm not in your shoes and would never presume to speak for your experience. But it is possible that smoking, itself, is driving - or at least intensifying - your feelings of despair. Smoking powerfully undermines a person's sense of self worth. The idea that it will somehow soothe us is a false promise. The feeling never lasts and we just end up feeling lower than before. Addiction also thrives best in isolation. So stay connected to us, and to others.
Please don't give in Elena. Find your ferocity and reclaim your quit! And please be kind to yourself along the way. We're here to help.