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This has been a tough week. It's tuesday! That probably says a lot. And my weird will be in this blog, if it offends please see "ra ra" type posts in the main arena! I don't understand why I think of smoking when things become tricky. Although it has been my "go to" for my whole adult life, I started to smoke at 13. I had my first at age 9 - the age my oldest daughter is now!! She's a baby!! I can't believe no one noticed me, and yet if you met those I "care for" you'd understand the self obsession that meant they missed any potential signs for me. I must remember now I think to ensure I am seperate, and really try not to let these people invade my "better place" space. Today I faced down for the first time people judging those who are spiritual. Apparently we are all flower power hippies with no life plan lol. Wow! At the "what do you do" question I squared my shoulders and said I'm a hippy...in leggins...who channels stuff like healing...I think your nurse training is awesome...I just signed up to reiki cancer patients for an hour a week and help them through a gift I was given...and I wear crystals and heal with them cause I'm moved to do that. I just want to make lives better and I love that I'm given that opportunity all the time! Cue tumbleweed!! I wish I was that spiritual person who didn't think, wow, you're a bit of a twat aren't you and really did wear loose fitting clothing cause that would of been handy with the extra quit weight I claimed via peanuts!! And then I really started to think later. There was a time, almost months ago that I would have said nothing! I wouldn't have defended myself and my life choices even though I considered myself a really strong woman. It reminded me what my quit has given me in the self worth camp and despite a bitchin couple of days I am happier in myself now then I have ever been. I can attribute a great part of that to here and a freedom to just "be me unjudged" and a strength in fighting addiction and being victorious. Yes, I "just know" I am done. I won't consider smoking anymore, SNOT, no longer an option! I can't heal if I stink, end of story. But jeez, I wonder why the thoughts still come and if they will ever end although I offer up eternal gratitude at the fleeting nature compared to the early quit thoughts which were so intense they owned me! I read of symptoms of the quit, so many I wasn't sure they were even all quit related until now really, wow, I abused my poor body in an epic manner!! So for me. For all behind and in front of me. I know now. Smoking really never fixed a thing. I will help whomever I can and I will be greatful for a place that accepted me for who I was, warts an all. (really no warts, cross fingers and all that). Forgive the inane ramblings but it is my blog and it helps to write all the crazy down sometimes! And not smoke, that helped me too. Wednesday will be better is all. Loves to all.

Marti, anyone who does anything outside the norm will encounter derision, fear and resistance. If you believe in what you are doing and it feels "right" to you, keep doing it and keep talking about it. Slowly but surely you will connect with a circle of people who do (or who come to) agree with you and appreciate your talents. Nurture those relationships. The best thing about getting older is that you become more comfortable in your own skin and stop caring what other people think. And, man, is that a blessing! Yes, it would be nice if the whole world (or at least a big chunk of it) came to understand and appreciate your gifts. But that's not going to happen. However, as you gain in wisdom you will find yourself shrugging your shoulders and ignoring the nay-sayers and embracing those people you connect with. Notice and enjoy how you are changing and growing in that regard. And speaking of changing and growing, If you are channeling energy and healing, I can't imagine how much more effective you are now that you don't smoke! When you smoked, you were poisoning your own body and mind all day every day. Your energy currents must have been totally screwed up. Now your body and mind are healing. That must make a heck of a difference to your effectiveness! Tell us how that is going for you.

Paul you are so right, I was advised not tell anyone I was planning to give up and I managed that. I think I just got over excited hitting the one month bench mark and wanted to shout it out! But as you all have wisely said; this is a personal journey and as long as I know what I've achieved then that's all that matters. I am going to be humble and be proud!

Just a bad day, not a bad life. My "go to" saying when things feel hard. Thank you for the thoughts. x

Jules- Congrats ! Outside of whatever support groups or tools we use, I believe there is something spiritual and humble (not pious) about keeping goals to ourselves. I have to ask myself, what's my motive behind letting this one or that one know? I have all of you , my personal Higher Power and a dear friend or two and a huge bag of tools to use. That's enough for me, I don't want a bleacher full of onlookers. I blew a two year quit because I couldn't get that "inner" resolve. It's all an inside job, but true friends can be there, too. Just my slant...everyone's quit is different. All My Best, Paul

Never give up.....don't wait for the scary health risks.... I was faced with having my both feet amputated..... Jump right back on.....I didn't think it would happen to me either.... If I can quit ....you can....I promise.....

I agree. You don't need strength. You just need time. You get through some how day by day unitl the craves die down,

Hey, I just saw this. Before you give up (and I am not trying to sound harsh, but this is your very life we are talking about) please read every article you can get yours hands on. This thread is a great place to start, if you have read it all, read it again please http://www.quittrain.com/topic/11-how-do-i-quit-smoking-the-newbie-database/ Please don't give up! Strength has NOTHING to do with it, I am not strong at all. If I can do this, I promise you can too. Nothing's done that can't be undone yet. You can still do this.