This had me laughing so hard I was crying! 😂

 

 

Absolute Mayhem ...Lol.....Hmmmm.....one for Boo I reckon !!!!

I FINALLY learned how to twerk!!!!

 

VIEWER DISCRESSION: Content may offend some as this is a skit around the US Election. It is neither Pro Trump or Pro Biden and I am posting it just in good fun. 

 

 

 

Clarification... on Tuesday it was the Melbourne Cup... the race that stops the nation. 

Edited November 6, 20205 yr by notsmokinjo

Be Polite

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,

"I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone and said: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.

"We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

So I pulled my sandwich out of the bag today and see this:

 

And think oh hell no. So I stormed in and slammed the sandwich down on the counter and asked the manager why they felt the need to write this on my sandwich. The manager replied "because you ordered a bacon, lettuce and tomato sandwich with cheese".

Oh... ok..............🙄 

A lady goes into a drugstore and picks up a box of tampons.

 

The box isn't marked with a price so the clerk calls back to the stockroom and asks for a price on Tampax.

 

The guy in the stockroom thought she asked for a price on thumbtacks so he asked: does she want the ones you push in with your thumb or the ones that have to be hammered in?

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost.

He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7, you're on 6". He thanked her and continued playing golf.
On the back nine he got lost again.
He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on".
She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 14. You are on 13".
Again, he thanked her and continued playing golf.
When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted.
As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living. "I'm in sales". He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?"
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said "I sell tampons".
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you".

What did the gingerbread man say when his house burned down?

 

Spoiler

DANG, that cost me a lot of dough!

 

 

A Viking named Rudolph the Red looked out the window.

 

He turned to his wife and said, "Bring the little ones inside, it looks like it's going to be a wet day."  She replied, "What makes you say that?"

 

"Because Rudolph the Red knows rain dear."

G’day 

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

 

A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you have caused some needless embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You should not ask people questions in a roomful of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone.' The man then decided to walk out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated loudly.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'What is wrong with your ear, Sir?'

'I can't piss out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter

 

“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "f***k!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does f**k mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs f**king the chicken.”

Edited November 16, 20205 yr by Mac#23

Gday

Gday

A poor man meets a rich man around Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."
 

The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are you getting your wife this year?" The poor man thinks about it for a second and replies, "A pair of slippers and a dildo."

The rich man asks, "Why those two things?" The poor man astutely reponds, "This way, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go f*ck herself."

No wonder Nashville is normally so safe, they have Lego Batman watching over them.....

 

The Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation.

After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they should not interfere with Gods divine will.

 

At the Baptist church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistry.

The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistry and let the squirrels drown themselves.

The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

 

The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of Gods creatures.

So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church.

Two weeks later, the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

 

The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path,

Setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol poisoning.

They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do.

 

But the Catholic church came up with a more creative strategy!

They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church.

Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

 

Not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue.

They took the first squirrel and circumcised him.

They havent seen a squirrel since.

Bought a head of lettuce from a small shop called Mammas and Pappas

couldn't eat it though because all the leaves were brown......😏

 A guy is sitting at the doctor’s office.
The doctor walks in and says, “I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.”
“I don’t understand, doc,” the patient says. “Why?”
“Because,” the doctor says. “I’m trying to examine you.”

Gday

G’day