On March 1st I moved back in with my Mom to save money.  For years I had been spending half my income on rent and I needed a break to catch up on finances.  

 

My Mom has a gigantic house with three floors.  The bottom floor she rents out to her cousin and the third floor is where I'm currently residing.  Things have been going great - we've been respectful and enjoying each other's company.  

 

However, I moved in here with the understanding that my older sister would not be here.  She is an active addict/alcoholic and the two of us are like fire and gas.  Explosive.  I've been sober for over 4 years but my sister is still at it - blacking out with the booze and dabbling with the hard stuff.  My big brother is dead from drugs and alcohol - it's really hard for me to deal with my sister...to watch her spiral and have no control.

 

The other night I came home from a 12 hour shift @ work.  My sister was there!  I won't get into details about how it happened but we ended up getting into a physical altercation.  I'm 32 years old!!  She's 34!!  I am unbelievably ashamed and saddened by my behavior.  I took the bait!  For years she has been baiting me and she knows exactly which buttons to push and how to push them.  She goaded me for 1.5 hours until I finally caved.  

 

Thing is: my sister is so frail from the drugs & booze that I was able to pin her quickly.  I was so angry I could have choked her to death.  A moment of clarity came and I retreated into the woods with my tent/sleeping bag, etc.

 

Through all of this I did not want to smoke a cigarette - indeed, the thought never crossed my mind.  I have relapsed COUNTLESS times from incidents which involved my sister.  It was nothing new and I did not fall for it this time.  So that was a silver lining to this entire ordeal.

 

That being said: I need to get out of here - and fast.  My Mom said today, "well you know you need to leave..."  And I said, "yes, I know."  Still I'm a little hurt because my Mom was not talking to my sister in March when I first came here. My Mom was so angry with my sister that there was no risk I'd ever run into her here.

 

I'm quite sad and confused.  Sad because I let my family down - confused because my discipline was nowhere to be found.  All my meditation and prayer - what happened?

Well we all have that point where we have to say enough but it saddens me that your mother told you to leave when you're obviously the good example in there, not to talk about the fact that you were even paying to be there, your sister will only bring her problems with her own problems... Like you said she's 34, its no age to be worrying your mom.

 

Anyways, you will end up finding yourself a good place and your independence will be even better without any addictions now, its amazing to know that you kept your foot down even after that situation.

 

Keep being strong girl, your situation might not be the prettiest one but in a way has its inspiration that whatever it happens its all about us at the end of the day. 

I'm really sorry about your situation TEW, but I'm so proud of you for hanging in there and keeping your quit. I'm not very good about giving out advice so I will give you the same advice that you gave me. Stay positive and ....

 

Mess around with buttons until it works!!!!   :)

Thanks for sharing. No matter what -- you are pulling the golden thread of your quit into your future. I am really proud of you, TEW. Very inspiring. You are shaping a new identity, and maybe it rocks the boat a bit. Stay strong with your beautiful quit.

TEW everyone has their limits! I confess to wanting to strangle my sister's and my mum on many occasions although I love them dearly, you can choose your friends but not your family so don't feel guilty, unfortunately your sisters addictions have probably took its toll on her self esteem, she looks at you and sees you sober and quitting smoking, she most probably would like to be more like you, in her frustrations she goads you instead to try and bring you down to her level making herself feel better :(

 

You already know that you should be proud of yourself for being sober and bettering yourself, try and look at the move as a positive, a real fresh start, the better person is the one who walks away and you can walk away because you are in control and more independent some people just can't do that xxx

sounds like you handled everything fine, you gained control, you left the situation and cooled off in the woods, you spoke to someone about it and followed what they wanted to happen. besides pinning her, which if the only physical part you were also in control and caused no damage to her, you seemed to show large restraint.

 

march on because the attitude seems to be in check and the situation probably could not have been any better. 

 

place to live...seems to be a lot of members in Ohio anymore....

You did the right thing...

What happened TEW is that you are HUMAN....all the meditation in the world doesn't make us perfect...but it DOES make us aware..EVENTUALLY about our own behavior and our reactions.  People walk around for YEARS without any self awareness at all and here you are....seeing it!! 

 

Our behaviors are years old and ingrained in us....it's no wonder we can easily slip back into them.  The beautiful part...is that you notice it, learn from it (try to figure out what triggered you this last time)  and change your thoughts and behavior so it doesn't happen in the near future again.   When we no longer have these people that trigger us in our lives and then suddenly they are back in our lives...we are taken by surprise and frankly..out of practice.  This is good stuff TEW. Not good in the sense of what is happening to your family but good for you...because it's a chance to learn and grow from it.

 

Personally, I think you are doing awesome.   The disease of alcoholism affects the whole family and the only thing you can do is protect yourself...be mindful of your own thoughts and actions.  Everything else will take care of itself...either way.

TEW everyone has their limits! I confess to wanting to strangle my sister's and my mum on many occasions although I love them dearly, you can choose your friends but not your family so don't feel guilty, unfortunately your sisters addictions have probably took its toll on her self esteem, she looks at you and sees you sober and quitting smoking, she most probably would like to be more like you, in her frustrations she goads you instead to try and bring you down to her level making herself feel better :(

 

You already know that you should be proud of yourself for being sober and bettering yourself, try and look at the move as a positive, a real fresh start, the better person is the one who walks away and you can walk away because you are in control and more independent some people just can't do that xxx

 

 

Tracey - you are 100% correct in this assessment - I know i need more compassion and less aggression.  She really is down on herself and that IS why she does what she does.  I want things to be different - where we support each other and build each other up.  But things aren't different.  So, acceptance.  Always.  Acceptance.

sounds like you handled everything fine, you gained control, you left the situation and cooled off in the woods, you spoke to someone about it and followed what they wanted to happen. besides pinning her, which if the only physical part you were also in control and caused no damage to her, you seemed to show large restraint.

 

march on because the attitude seems to be in check and the situation probably could not have been any better.

 

place to live...seems to be a lot of members in Ohio anymore....

TEW - sounds like you handled a tough situation really well - proud of you xx and - despite the fact I never thought I would say this ever !! - I agree a zillion percent with Bakon !

katgaroo got your tongue?

I don't feel I handled the situation properly WHATSOEVER.  

 

Bakon, I think I omitted some of the violence because, as I now recall, there were a couple punches thrown.  I was in a  "rage-out" and I acted abusively and aggressively.  I'm ASHAMED.  I deserve this shame.  It happened nearly a full week ago but it feels fresher than that.  

 

Coincidentally the altercation took place at the exact time I was at my most premenstrual.  I need to be cognizant when that "time" is coming so I can avoid situations and people that cause me trouble.  THIS topic alone could be a thread to end all threads - the PMS stuff.  My moods/hormonal shifts have been a major problem for me since high school.  Many people have pointed it out and it's time I take responsibility for it.  

 

Like BABS said:

 

"Our behaviors are years old and ingrained in us....it's no wonder we can easily slip back into them.  The beautiful part...is that you notice it, learn from it (try to figure out what triggered you this last time)  and change your thoughts and behavior so it doesn't happen in the near future again"

 

My trigger?  Hormones.  My current solution?  Avoid people during those 2-3 days where things are really bad.  This may sound like a cockamamie solution but at least it's simple.  I really don't want to get dependent on a new pharmaceutical and it will probably take time to figure out an herbal remedy - or get good enough at mindfulness/meditation where I can overcome the moods.

 

Sheesh.  Being nic/smoke free really forces you to take an honest look at stuff.  And even though I don't really want to see it all - that's the only way to effect positive and lasting change.

Hey TEW.

 

sounds like you were tired, you were provoked and you blew up.

 

Not great - but not a car crash either.

 

Perhaps life is telling you that you should move into a new phase. Maybe you don't need to march out the door tomorrow - but simply make a plan for when to move on?

 

Being honest means looking at the positives as well as the negatives...don't beat yourself up too much.

I dont have much to add but I agree with the bandits post 100%. 

well the deed is done, ask forgiveness if needed and learn

 

Sheesh.  Being nic/smoke free really forces you to take an honest look at stuff.  And even though I don't really want to see it all - that's the only way to effect positive and lasting change.

 

This is so true TEW!  There are layers to quitting; a few I never considered and others I didn't realize would be so complex.  I've resigned myself to the idea that this will be a long process, and that's ok I guess.  One bite at a time.

Oh Tew, if you think we all don't feel shame for some of the thing we could have done better...

 

Damn girl, we are human!! Those other shitty human press our buttons and they're off licking their wounds and we're feeling like crap! 

 

So no, there's none for that. You hold your head up high now, you hear me. Bad decisions are made in the heat of the moment and someone else lit the litmus paper. So moving swiftly on!! 

 

That's my point, move forward. do not stay stagnant in that energy, YOU deserve more. Sorry for your sister an all, bad choices make bad places but it's not you and I will be the one to say that. YOU can move forward because you have made a series of right choices. 

 

So assuming you deserve more, find somewhere safe and secure to lay your head. A space that is yours. There is no right and wrong sweetie, there is only moving forward with your own life choices. xx

What a big crock of shit, telling YOU to go, I guess your mom feels she owes your druggie sister something. Sorry.

Have you been able to fix the the situation TEW, or do you still have to move?

I'm sorry that you are in this situation. I have siblings who have made horrible life choices as well and it definitely is hard to deal with them. I hope that everything works out.

Sometimes you need to give a situation time to cool. Talk with your mother again about your staying there. You know there can be no more altercations with your Sister & YOU are the strong one here. Either walk away or avoid her if she visits.....she does not live at your mother's home right? Your sibs have made bad choices. Your mother has lost a son & despite his death due to substance abuse, she does not want to lose a daughter to the same. It may seem she is"favouring" your sister but it may very well be a guilt reaction. A conversation needs to be calm & supportive to your mother....help her to understand she is not responsible & that adults make their own choices....just as you have made the decision to make good choices. Emotions are high at times like this...time is needed to calm down & allow all parties to put things back into perspective. (I realuze yourcsister may not know what perspective is, but you do). I hope you are able to work things out as you are SO on the right track! I hope moving will not be necessary & you will be given the opportunity to walk away when your sister drops by so that she does not test pushing your buttons....that's tough. Good luck!