Nana20

NOPE!!!!

NOPE!!!!

Yes I am on Day 6 and like I am doing the Chantix, so if you ever need to compare notes. I am here. Are you having any nausea with the Chantix, I know I do if I don't eat enough or drink enough I am like please bring me more food, more drink.

Congratulations @idontsmoke for putting down the vape. You got this. Just remember to breath, and to come here if you need encouragement. I come here even when I am bored so I can read and get knowledge. Also it lets me be here and I can encourage others as well.

So I have thought of a really cool non-smoker name for my blog. "Thoughts Of A Winner"!!!! OMG, I love it. Think about it, I want to stay on a positive track here. Now I am not saying I won't vent or say negative things. Because lets be real here I am quitting smoking, and this is a quit smoking blog. Although I am going to try to keep those dark and stormy thought to a minimum. We will see. So, as I sit here writing this. I am eating a big bowl of roast, that somehow magically turned itself into like a stew of sorts. Either way it's fire and making my tummy so very very happy. Quite honestly I honestly think eating is my favorite past-time right now. I mean I feel hungry all the time. I actually need to figure out what I want for dinner. Hmmm.... Something I am going to have to ponder on. I did pork steaks last night. I think I am going to do Rosemary chicken with Rosemary roasted baby red potatoes, with some fresh fried squash. Now on to the reason why we are all here... So yesterday went fairly decent.I mean other than the start. The rest of the day went okay. I did have some craving and urges, but nothing to awful. But as I was driving home from the store and my husband kept saying the same thing over and over again(he was picking on me) and I screamed OKAY ENOUGH!!!! I realized I have no freaking clue how to deal with any emotion or feeling I get. I can't decipher what the hell I am feeling. I mean thinking back on it I was 15 when I started smoking, which means from that point forward. Every time I got angry I lit up, when I got sad, I would light up. when I was hungry, bored, sleepy, I would light up. I did this for so many years I just eventually would light up for any twinge I felt. Oops I feel a crave coming on better go ahead and light up. So now at 41 years of age and my husband is getting on my nerves and I want him to shut up. I don't know how to handle that. I cried to him yesterday that I was sorry for yelling at him. That I feel like I have no control over how I feel. I don't think its so much as having no control, rather than not know how to deal with the feelings that I have no control over. I mean I am still going to feel them. Hell I felt them(when I say feel them I mean like strong emotions. IE: intense anger, sudden sadness, sudden intense happiness. Feelings that are intense) when I was smoking, and when they were strong enough I could even distinguished what emotions I was feeling, but the fleeting emotions, the muted emotions/feelings those I could never tell the difference. Still can't!! I just had a thought when I was writing that last paragraph and that was maybe the journey of quitting smoking is basically learning who we are. I have literally given my addiction every aspect of myself. I no longer know what I like, what I dislike, what makes me happy, what makes me sad. Hell I am even figuring out that most of the stuff I eat I don't like. I am smelling things that I haven't smelt in a long time and it is over-whelming. I think that is why I am so just touchy. It doesn't take much to set me off, but it's not always about a craving either. I will get this figured out, but until then I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW!!!!

Hello everyone, here to make my daily NOPE pledge for the day

Chantix does help making quitting easier and for the most part it is smooth sailing, but it doesn't mean quitting without struggles. You still have craves and urges.

Exactly that is why I posted that you aren't alone that I am also on Chantix and that I am going through something similar. We are on different stages of our quit. When did you quit?

Thank you @Doreensfree I know that this is normal, and I think that is why I talk about it. I mean I talk about it so that way one you guys can tell me that its normal, but also for those newbies that are going to come in behind me and need to read these kind of post and be able to breathe easier knowing that they aren't alone and that someone has either gone through it before or is going through it now just like them, just like me. I also post because when I am down and I am needing some extra encouragement I come here and I read my post and I see the battles I have already gone through, but I can also see how I handled it, I can see how proud I felt, I can see my own strength in words that I have written. So I come here not only for support, but to keep a record of my strength. Because in the midst of a big crave we never feel strong, we always feel weak. and that in those moments we need to be reminded of our strength. OF our courage. Of our commitment. I also took the Pre-SOS post thing to a whole new level. I made a freaking video basically chewing myself out and building myself up reminding myself on why I want to quit. @johnny5 Thank you as well. I do understand that this is all normal. And I know the urges will ease up and eventually become non-existent. Obviously I am not over-confident because I am sticking close to the board today, but other than a few brief moments here and there it is easy. My concern a little to easy. IF you know what I mean. Although I am doing it and I am really amazed that I am doing so good. As I was writing my first blog, I have realized a few things. One I went into a complete meltdown on day two and didn't even consider smoking. I mean even though my whole body and my WHOLE mind was in a crave. I not once thought or said I should just smoke. my junkie voice didn't pop up didn't say anything. I mean I acted like a raving ranting lunatic, but smoking never crossed my mind. BUT... More than that I realized that I picked the most stressful, the most imperfect time to do this. I have had several people including my husband, my doctor, both best friends asking me if I was sure I wanted to quit right now. I realized something as I keep answering these people. I look at all the stress I am under. Lets start by naming them 1) Lost my job due to Covid-19 2) My Son lost his Job due to Covid-19 and decides to move to Florida where he wanted his son to be born. They move in with her parents and are good until about 3 weeks ago when they promptly kick them out. So here I am my son, his fiance and their 2 kids a 2 1/2 year old son and 2 month old son (my first bio-grandson(the 2 month old is my bio-grandson), second grandson(2 1/2)) they are taking over my house and the only one I don't mind being here is my 2 month old grandson and that's because he hasn't started moving around yet.(Once he gets on the move and until about 5 years old, I don't have patience for them not anymore.) So here I am my house is overflowing with people right now. 3) My daughter is 17 (6 months from 18) and well do I need to really say anymore about that.... 4) have you ever watched 2 new parents(because even though my son's fiance has a 2 1/2 year old, She hasn't really raised her first son) is stressful. Watching how easily frustrated they get and how they have ZERO patience. Then you add my husband complaining about them and there parenting or lack there of and you got me trying to help get not just the newborn on a schedule, but the 2 1/2 year old on a schedule. Which you can't do if you can't get the mom to stop sleeping all day and staying up all night. letting the kids sleep all day or I should say the baby sleeps all day and is up all night. The 2 1/2 year old I get to deal with until my son gets home and he then takes over. BUT......... YES, I WANT TO QUIT RIGHT NOW!!!! The reason is because it doesn't matter whether I wait for a less stressful time or not. I am still going to go through withdrawals. I am still going to have to learn how to deal with stress. I will most likely still have stress going on in my life. I am that person in my group that no matter what problems I have going on in my own life. I am the one people come to for advice, to vent too, to dump their baggage and there emotions on. Which I am glad I can be that person for my group of friends and family, So I am always stressed. I will always have a full plate. SO, YES I WANT TO QUIT RIGHT NOW.... I can do this. If I am strong enough to juggle my plate and everyone else's plate then I can quit and stay quit. I just have to be honest the entire way. I have to be truthful. Figure out what works and NEVER GIVE UP AND NEVER TAKE ANOTHER PUFF EVER AGAIN!!!!

Day one- I make a video of myself giving myself a pep-talk/lecture. My Pre-SOS if you will and in the middle of it I am about to light one up and I am in the middle of telling myself that we are in control. We get to decide if you smoke or not. That our addiction is not in control of me. I stop mid sentence to go light that cigarette up and I look at it break it in half and throw it in the ash tray and dump water in on top for good measure. I then finish my video and didn't smoke for the rest of the day. No issues yeah I had urges and craves nothing to bad. Would tell myself Nah we don't do that anymore and move on. Then I get woke up in the middle of the night. My 17 year old daughter had sneaked out of the house. Whats worse is my 22 year old son who just had a baby and is now living with us. allowed her to sneak out and then woke me up to tattle on her. So here I am at 2 am driving around looking for my daughter cigarette in hand. Then after that was all done with I went home and went to bed. Day One Re-do- Woke up and smoked a cigarette first thing like it was nothing. At 11:10 am I went to light up a cigarette and it made me feel so nauseous that I just couldn't do it. So I decided then and there that I was not going to smoke no more. So The rest of the day went fairly easy as it did the day before. Came here and posted a post about quitting. Carried on about my day getting through each and every urge and crave with a big deep breath and an exhale of We don't do that anymore. Went to bed feeling better about myself even though I was exhausted. Day Two- I wake up to a crave went to reach for my cigarettes (which my room was the only room I smoked in. I allowed myself my goodnight cigarette and my good morning cigarette. anyway I reached for my cigarettes and realize that there wasn't a pack there. I lean up on an elbow and sleepily look. Thinking I must of knocked them down at some point. Then as my brain is clearing as I am looking for my cigarettes. I realize I can't find them because I no longer smoke. So I get up I go to the bathroom, wash my face, brush my teeth. and then go make a pot of coffee. I then proceed to make breakfast so I can take my Chantix and to get my day started off right. All the while, I am chanting we no longer smoke. I will Never Take Another Puff again. I am pushing through the craves and urges fairly easy nothing to bad. I have made it through day one and am officially working my way through day 2. My quit smoking app now says 2 days. cool. I know it is correct because I downloaded and set up the app the day before to help me keep tabs on my quit, but I did this as I made the decision for the second day in a row to help me stay accountable for my quit. So here we are my app says 2 days smoke free and I decide it is time to let the kids in on my decision to quit smoking(they knew it was coming because I have been on the Chantix a week and I told them that was part of the plan prior to this.) My daughter decides she not only wants to get an attitude, but she is wanting to push so many buttons. I look around and see my husband standing there not saying a word. I see my son sitting beside her and his wife beside him and nobody is stepping up to get my back. I had just told everyone that I was quitting smoking and that I was officially on Day Two of not smoking and that I was going to be irritable and maybe a little short tempered and here is my daughter spewing out the mouth and not one person steps up to have my back. I go into a instant meltdown. I am talking full body crave, Full mental crave, Buttons pushed, anger is pulsing, hurt is flowing all the while I am screaming like a banshee about having my back, tears streaming down my face, My family is following me. Because quite honestly I looked like a hilarious lunatic raving about something crazy. Stomping out of the house. OUT of the yard. Down the road. I look back upset. My husband is standing there chuckling to himself, because I looked quite funny throwing my shirt on the ground(had my workout sports-bra on underneath) my fuzzy over-sized pajama pants on and barefoot. I am screaming I am done. I have Y'alls back all the time and you can't never have my back. I was yelling I'm done. Keep the house, keep the car, just a true and total melt-down. So after I very painfully step on a rock. I stop look down and realize that I look like a complete and utter fool. which in turn makes me laugh and cry harder all at the same time. I then turn around insistent I am getting my shirt and my flip flops and I am still leaving. as I am walking back I am taking deep breaths. Once I got back in the yard my husband looks at me and opens his arms. I collapse in his arms and just cry. He then carries me to bed all the while I am still complaining about him not having my back. He gets me tucked into bed and hands me my laptop after turning it on and pulling my favorites up and coming here. He hands it to me and says post help others talk to others and I will finish breakfast. So I did. After that I kept close to the train and stayed in bed for most of the day. Went to bed a winner. Day Three- Woke up easy, remembered right off the bat that I was no longer smoking, so I didn't have that where are my cigarettes feeling I had on day 2. I got up and made myself breakfast and basically had an easy care free day. The day was pretty easy going nothing major stood out, Day Four- Woke up no major craves. My sense of smell is coming back. Everything smells stronger, more vibrant, more pungent. Other than that all I basically did was clean. So that way I can get my house where I can handle it. didn't realize how nose blind I was. Or should I say how smoking killed my sense of smell. Man did it ever. Cravings lets just say this, I have noticed them, but they aren't physical feeling, these ones are mental. I can feel them physically, but they start out as mental, but they are definitely there, and definitely noticeable. I am pushing through, I came to the board and pledged NOPE today. Made it through the day as a winner. Day 5 Now that we are caught up on my quit. We can start the first post of my blog. Let me tell you, about this dream. Now this dream was so vivid, so real feeling, that I woke up b****ing(don't know if cursing is allowed or not so keeping it as pg as I can) my husband out... I mean I was laying into him. I dreamed that he was mad at me because none of his pants fit him. They were either to small, to big, skinny jeans, bell bottoms(doesn't even own a pair of bell bottoms, or skinny jeans) no matter what pair of jeans I washed there was something wrong with them. In my dream this had gone on for like a month. I then dreamed that we had gotten into the car and just out of habit I reached over grab a cigarette and lit the damn thing. I instantly knew I messed up and threw it out the window. I must of woken up then because I don't remember anything else about the dream. So as I am laying there waking up I realize I am have a full on waking crave at this moment. I am irritable as hell, and mad as hell at my husband. WHO I then proceed to wake up with "Baby wake up. I was laying here thinking which I had not been. You need to go through your pants. I am tired of listening to you b***h at me for not washing the pants that fit you. How the hell am I suppose to know which pants fit you this week. SO you have three choices. Go through your pants throw away the pants that don't fit you, forcing you to have to buy pants that fit you. 2) stop B****ing at me because I washed the wrong ones or 3) lose some f***ing weight. Those are your options. and Oh by the way also in my dream you had me so upset that I forgot that I was quitting and I dreamt that I had an oops in my dream. I then realized I woke my husband up B****ing him out for a dream. I also realized that my dreamt oops also what caused my waking crave. SO I have to apologize to my husband and do something to make it up to him. I don't know make him some nice meal or something. So here we are into day 5 I talked to my doctors office. WE had decided that once I hit my second Chantix if I was handling it okay, which I am. I get nauseous, but I know the triggers of my nausea and how to manage it. So we decided to also do the Burpropion also with the Chantix, to give the Chantix a boost, but to also have the other medication in my system for when it is time to stop the Chantix. because when I talked to her about doing the Chantix to quit smoking I told her the truth. That I have had success in quitting with the Chantix, but have not had success in keeping a quit coming off Chantix. So we decided to go the extra measure and also do the Burpropion(Wellbutrin, Zyban). I just know that I am done. I am just done... Well, until bedtime, Until I blog tonight and am ready to go to bed a winner.

I am on Day 5 of my quit it has seemed these last couple of days the mental craves have been much harder the last couple of days. I guess when I am faced with a really strong crave I come here. I don't always feel like posting and when I don't I read, but then there are days I do and I will post often. I am here for you if you need me.

Yes thank you!!!!!

Lets do it. I am in need of a quit mate. So we will help each other out. Lets NOPE our way, all the way.

Yeah most of my post even though they are to other people are mostly about me working through my quit. It sure hasn't been easy. I am doing this quit so differently than I have in the past. I have kept for me what works, but I am building this quit off of me. Like normally I would be eating sunflower seeds until I just can't eat anymore and then I am forced to put them down, but the thing is all I did was transfer my addiction over to the sunflower seeds. So when I get to the point where I can't eat sunflower seeds I end up relapsing. I am not using sunflower seeds this time. My last quit I used Chantix and I quit smoking, I allowed my junkie side to persuade me into believing that a road trip would be to much to handle 5 months into my quit and said I will only smoke for the weekend and when I get back on Monday I would put them down. So I let my junkie side talk me into throwing that quit away. Not this time. When I get off the Chantix this time I am going to stay on Burpropion for at least a year to make sure it is a solid quit. I am taking what has worked for me in the past and helped me quit, but not aide in a relapse. All I know is this. I can spout that I want to quit because I want to be healthier and I want this or I want that. The point of the matter, brass tax, or the truth IS I just don't want to smoke. I am tired of smoking. I am tired of always having to light up because I just need a fix. I don't enjoy the taste of it anymore. I mean not really once in a blue moon I would light a cigarette up and be like ohhh that taste so good. No that never really ever happened. There were times when I didn't mind how it tasted, but for the most part if I had to imagine what ass taste like it would be a cigarette. Even with that disgusting image in my head I still smoked. So to say that I am quitting because of that, no. I am quitting because simply I just don't want to do it anymore. An now I am having to fight, but I got this..

Oh yeah I know we definitely have to work at it. The ironic part is when you start smoking (the very first time the time that started this all)you have to work at doing it because it taste nasty, you cough, and you find it vile and disgusting. Then the nicotine monster starts to get its claws hooked in you and all. As the nicotine monster is doing his job you junkie voice kicks in saying you got this. They are starting to taste good now, they are starting to make you cooler, and you don't cough anymore. Then the junkie voice then tells you to keep on going you got plenty of time to quit. So you do. Now here you are damn near 30 years later and your stuck in this push and pull you want to quit so bad that every time you smoke a cigarette you pray that you could quit. Then something happens or you really start to think about it and you finally make the decision to quit. the whole smoking process is a battle. you battle to start, you battle to smoke. Whether it be your battling with yourself to quit or your lying to yourself and trying to convince yourself that you like it. It's all a battle. Then you battle to quit and then you battle to maintain that battle. If I am going to fight a battle it's going to be the quit battle and maintaining it. So I am choosing to maintain my quit by coming here and posting.

So after having some really bad dreams about not being able to find my husband pants. After dreaming about an oops. I have now woke up to the realization that it was all a bad dream and a real to life hard craving. So I came straight here to post and to pledge. So here I am pledging to NOPE!!!!

Well day 5 and I woke up pissed off and really craving a cigarette. So as far as days go this is by far the worst. Got mad at my husband for something he didn't do and to top it off I yelled at him for it. Then I been having cravings like all get out. I am NOPE'ing my way through and sticking close to the boards and staying away from everyone today.

Congratulations on one week quit. It must feel amazing to feel free.

Here to pledge NOPE

Congratulations on 8 years of being free. A true inspiration.

Thank you guys for asking about me. So day today went really ok. I didn't have any major craves or urges, but I did have a lot of smaller craves and urges. So it was a lot of just reminding myself I don't do that anymore and figuring out what I need. I am realizing that I tampered a lot of needs and wants that my body needs with cigarettes. So in that regard I am doing great. Not one thought with nausea today didn't even make me nauseous when I took it and I don't normally drink enough water and it makes me sick until I can choke down enough water. So overall hell week is going better than I expected. Until tomorrow.

Yeah it was crazy. I felt like a crazy person in the middle of a meltdown. It was beyond anything I have experienced in the past. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one who went a little berserk.

Congratulations on being two months smoke free.

I am here and I am proud I am standing up and saying N. O. P. E. Not One Puff Ever ever ever again. I will not let myself be chained to cigarettes anymore. I will not allow cigarettes to control my life anymore. So today on June 7, 2020 I pledge NOPE!!!!!