Advance warning - off the record and there is swearing. 

 

It's 9pm here and probably the only time I will say this "out loud" and the only place safe enough for me to do so. At 7.30 pm 4 years ago,  I went into surgery to have a full hysterectomy, it was only so complete due to my fear of leaving anything behind to give me more of the dreaded C word. 

 

I went in alone and came out alone. Absolutely no one was with me.  Some harsh truths were faced and probably only partially processed, we are all a work in progress hey and repression is my middle name. It feels like a lifetime ago, only 4 years seems very strange.

 

Two weeks of 40th birthday celebrations and family wedding have taken their toll. I hi five people who deal with their toxic families better then me, I feel like I was weak for so long and still am because I don't just walk away from it all.  At my core I am so angry at some abuse, extreme disloyalty and just general wankiness of others. 

 

4 days ago I was 18 months quit smoking. I've thought about smoking a lot of late, I had more smokers around me. never was it an option though and I like that. Just more dumb thoughts.

 

There is no point to this post, it's simply an outlet. Been feeling wobbly as fcuk recently but this has re-newed me and reminded me that I'm a bad ass warrior and my success rate at being ok is 100% to date :)  Nice odds!  That's all really. Didn't want to blog as I don't want joe public to see this. Just me venting in a safe place.

 

x

Vent away, Marti...we are here for you.  Sorry you have been through so much with family.

 

Yes, indeed, this is a new Marti...strong and proud and certainly not going to give in to something like cigarettes!!

You are a warrior marti, no doubt. May I add (((safe hugss))) to your strong core :) Be gentle and it's okay to cut the cord with toxic people, I did

Vent away, Marti...we are here for you.  Sorry you have been through so much with family.

 

Yes, indeed, this is a new Marti...strong and proud and certainly not going to give in to something like cigarettes!!

Agreed.

 

Vent away! I'm sorry you have been through so much, but you're right about being warrior. It takes a lot to go through what you went through and not crumble. <3

Seems there's nothing in this world that can effect us as deeply as family.  No answers, just acknowledging the complexity.  Kudos for recognizing the wobbles for what they are....nothing to see here, move it along folks.  

Families.

 

Marti, you told me, that what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

 

The capacity to be hurt, to stay vulnerable is what takes true courage. Never to let other people change you and harden you into something you are not.

 

Well done you.

Just recently cut ties with my oldest friend.  She has changed for the worse - - controlling, ignorant, fearful and constantly projecting her unhappiness onto me and my life.  She even mocked my dedication to quitting cigarettes (which I only bring up because it's relevant to this forum.  Actually, she mocked quite a bit more).  Then she broke down and wrote me an apology.  Same ole, same ole.  It's the same heinous cycle.  I can't take it anymore.  I'm not going to smoke away my feelings & reactions.  I want to make change when change is necessary.  This is an important change.  I love her, and this does not mean we won't be friends again someday, but for now I want to spend my time & energy on people who spend their time & energy on supporting others and lifting others up!!!  

 

On a similar, yet separate, note - it seems, as a non-smoker, I am less tolerant of people who are unkind and disingenuous.  I don't want to put up with bullshit anymore.  I'm not interested in pleasing people.  I'm only interested in living a truthful, genuine, hard-fought existence.  I want to avoid brainwash/peer pressure/mob mentality ****-tardery.  And I'm extremely grateful for the opportunity to cut through it all.  Without clearing out the nicotine I would still be awash in ass turds.

 

There is no greater wisdom than kindness.  So true...so simple...

Yet, where is it?

I appreciate your support. Poor Chris must just be fed up with the constant mop up job of me crying of late.

 

I just really hate feeling so weak and in a way, it has always felt like it would be easier to walk away from the family. But then I would be left with guilt and it's just a damned if you do and damned if you don't. Just a mix of timings of being exposed to a job lot of family and all the horror they create. My Mum felt helpful saying out really loud how when I was dancing at the wedding, it looked like my boobs might jump out of my boob tube top - everyone ignored her (embarrassed) so she just said it louder. And it sounds like nothing, but I finally got it, the constant belittling and nasty comments have really hemmed me in and kept me quiet for fear of more of them. So I simply responded this time that her concern was nice but I had a rubber strip along the top so the likelihood of it dropping was slim and walked off. I ended up brutally drunk (my coping technique). As I'd been dreading it and all the fools who had backed my dumb ass ex husband were in attendance.

 

Then the 16th date always brings me up short, as does a birthday where I create a birthday review, and it really has been quite a year for me on so many levels. I felt better for saying something though so thanks for the virtual listen. x

On behalf of the sticks.....

 

Photos!

 

 

 

You may be many things...but weak ain't one of them!

Kick ass Couger

 

 

I still have the shovel and will help dig the hole when you put that pillow over her face

Aww Mari....you carnt pick your family.....fckin shame.....

You can pick your friends.....

Vent away here....we will listen....

I don't see a weak person...l see a strong young lady..who knows right from wrong...and carnt understand why folks can be so mean...

Your better than that....

Try super glue...

Hugs sweetheart...

The sooner you realise it's their hang ups and not yours the better you will feel! Reading oh was like a version of myself except the boob part (mine wouldn't pop out ;)) but it is something ny mother would have said, years ago I would have been upset too and it would have cut me up and make me feel a child all over again, but I learned it was her hang up, she was jealous, yes a mother can be jealous of her child it's a sliding doors moment when they see a younger version of themselves being and doing what they never did.

 

Nowadays I would have just laughed at her and given her a big cheeky grin and flashed her my tits, walked away listening to the tufts, it hurts because it's your mother and you expect her to act a certain way, the way you know she should behave and if you continue to expect this you will always get hurt as she is what she is.

 

My coping mechanism was when needed look at her as a jealous friend or colleague when she is being hurtful and react accordingly, (no punching in the face though) and when she learns if ever to be motherly then you can be a respectful daughter

 

Just the other day talking o my mum she said "oh you have gone back blonde again, still better to keep the upkeep on blonde then grey!" She has this thing about wishing me to go grey - I just laughed and said well I'm not grey actually, I expected to be but no not one, she soon shut up but what I didn't give her the satisfaction of knowing was that I did find a fee grey hairs but that wasn't the reason I went back to blonde ;)

 

Now Marti, this is me kick in You up the arse and telling you to stop feeling like the wounded fledgling and stop letting her make you feel small and wounded, she can say what she likes but it's you who can stop it from hurting you, it will take a little time but you can do it.

 

You are a strong lady, a mother who would fight to the death for her own kids, you have the strength to combat this toxic relationship, hopefully without loosing it

 

I love my mother but I don't have to like her, there are no rules on this, only perception

 

I wish you peace and healing, strength you already have

 

Keep surrounding yourself with positive, loving people and know you are loved just the way you are xxx

I can relate to all this...

I had the original mother in law from hell..

In the 30years I knew her..she belittled me every chance she got.

I do believe...this has made me a stronger.compassionate...loving person....

She didn't win..I did...

This will only make you a better mum to your kids mari...

It's her loss....having you as a dear friend...

Fcuk...now I'm off....

Deep breaths doreen

Hugs xxxx

It's a huge bravo you keep in touch of family, i can't. Choose me own. Don't let her get the best of you

Just letting off steam. They will never change and I wish I could be strong all the time but sometimes I waver and to be fair, that's a simple one, I've been called all sorts for no apparent reason. I would simply never be intentionally mean and I am genuinely never jealous, I can't get that. Thankfully I have loads of other shitty traits to compensate :)

 

Feel brighter just having said something although will try and be more objective in future. I fear that's a losing battle. I feel deeply and am pretty intense.

 

And no, at least I am safe in the knowledge that I will not create the next generation of these women, my nan and mum's relationship was super suspect too.

 

Meh, just a bad day (or a few), not a bad life, need to remember that more often. 

 

Nobody took a photo of me I don't think.  Black sheep ya know :)

 

x

hang in there hun, just dont let the bastards see you down and give them any satisfaction,sometimes the black sheep is a good thing not a bad thing xxx

Once you got bat.... Or is it sheep?

 

Meathead will know

Sarge had only a "half serving" (one of two, right?) of a surgical his-ectomy. (Inguinal Orchiectomy (youtube *that* (if you dare!))).

 

He wonders how the male to female Trannies do it to the whole shebang - the Full Monty...

 

And he feels ya.

 

*Especially* on The Fambly. He feels ya, Marti.

 

 

 

Easy Peasy

Marti you a a remarkable human being. Your past has helped shape who you are. Instead of being defeated you rose above it all. You are and will always be someone I look up to. I am proud to call you friend. You are never alone my dear ♡

For sure families suck-it doesn't help that  on tv everyone loves everbody-WTFE. When I had my heart surgery I told people not to come cause of winter & basically everyone did stay home, my best friend took care of me as best she could-getting me walking,dr things etc. Then I told you what my kid did. But whats almost pathelic is the way we all keep hoping to someday have that happy tv family.