I want to take a minute to thank you all for the post before that I can't find now to update! In a nutshell things at home were really awful with my Mum. Shewas being incredibly awful and mean verbally, which doesn't sound like much til you have to listen to a daily "pep talk" of how awful I am.

 

Fast forward to new years day. After some serious arguments and some promting by my sister my mum decided my "bullying" was too much and she needed to leave. Iiterally can't believe it, that's a bloody awful (and untrue) thing to say. My kids laugh at me and call me the "soft touch parent", etc etc. The only difference is I did retaliate when I was insulted...after the quit I felt more empowered and had more self worth to defend myself rather than opt for a quiet life. 

 

My Mum is now registered properly as of this week for sheltered housing and has chosen to move close to my youngest sister, who works almost full time but is near to where we came from before moving to this area 3 years ago. Apparently all the people she never bothered with she now misses??  Plus she has the right to smoke in her own house, good grief, I can't believe through all those illnesses she is still smoking.

 

I am now frantically trying different thought solutions to the "good grief I have to work" sceanrio. Not because I'm lazy, far from it...but not had to find a job in 15 years! I'm terrified! I was planning my own spiritual business but I'm not entirely ready for that yet. So I joined a course to see how to do this and learn about website jobhunting etc...all it did is confirm I can't use a computer lol, so I need another course too. I am such a confident person normally, I don't know why I'm scared! I don't know how to be enough for my girls, and work, and fit it all in.  I did manage to get a 2 hour slot cleaning my friends house though. I also applied for another mothers help type job already. So maybe I already started despite the worries.

 

I don't know how to accept being potrayed as this horrible bully person who picked on a disabled pensioner!! I never did or would have, it's literally awful, I can't believe she's saying these things. She twists a situation and makes it sound like she did nothing and I'm just a terrible person. Worse then that and why I did keep her with me, if she says it often enough she starts to believe her own deluded exagerations or lies.  I don't even know why I care, but she's my mum and it's unjust.  She's upset both my sisters putting things on facebook about me too...I can't help but think, wow, you're my Mum!!  I would never do this to my babies, I know that right now.

 

Just having an emotional wobble and I don't really do that so not sure how to calm down about it. Also still after all that, feeling like I'm a terrible person to not take care of their own mum. 

 

Jeez update or vent, not sure what this is. Trying desperately to be ok but I just can't even comprehend some of what's going around right now.

I wish that you or I lived near so that I could help you with the computer stuff and the job hunting. I know that you will find something and succeed. 

 

As far as what is going on with your Mom. She is no longer living with you? Yay, seriously she was toxic, you will find your financial footing and make it work. As far as her still running her mouth like a ducks ass... She's gone, stop giving her the power to hurt and aggravate you. If someone says "This is what she is saying ...." head them off at the pass and say "I don't want to hear it because I am not interested in her lies".  I know that it is easier said than done sometimes but you have to stop letting her hurt you because that is how she retains power over you. Dobby is a free elf, Marti. 

 

I am sorry that you have a crap mom, and wish that you didn't because you don't deserve it and I am sorry that you are having a tough time. I (and everyone here) knows that you are awesome :D 

No she is still here, just on the list to be re housed.  It is likely to be soon, maybe a month or so?

 

Thank you for the rest of it. Just feel like a prize a hole and then think, but that's not fair, I'm not...an it goes round my head again.  My super power is over thinking I guess.

When she goes it will be so much easier to ignore the garbage that spews out of her. She is crazy because like I said you rock. 

On the job front, use a free CV writer all you do is fill in the answers, you can then save it, print it or update it anytime and some employers want it sent by email these days

 

you can also upload it to jobsites

 

have you looked into working tax credit etc, i think you need to work 13 hours? to qualify

 

Check the council websites for schools looking for teaching assistants etc

 

also dont be afraid to do the old fashioned leg work in dropping off a cv at schools etc

 

Jobsearch online sites and local papers, sign on to agencies is a good start

 

You will be fine, just like riding a bike

 

good luck!

 

 

Mum front

 

You will both be better off apart its just time, this probably had to happen for the next chapter to begin, stop feeling guilty and bad, in the future you will see it was for the best even if bitter today

 

mums will be mums and sometimes a pain in the rear!

I agree with DD and Tracey...it is time for a change.  If she has managed to get you doubting your wonderful, kind self...it is time for her to go.  I am so sorry it hurts you, though.

 

Sounds like you are taking the right steps towards finding a job...when do you think you will be ready for your own business?

Sadly, I do agree that I think it will be beneficial to you when you live apart.

 

On the job front, if you don't alrleady have one, type up a resume.  Do you have Microsoft Word?  If you want help in doing this, I've done resumes for others in the past and would be glad to help.  Just give a holler.

Everyone here can attest what a nasty terrible bully you are...every post you write is attacking some poor quitter... :D 

 

What a load of nonsense. Mums know every button to press - so when they want to hurt (for whatever reasons) - they are in my experience pretty darn good at it.

 

So we have Mums vote - how about Chris? Your girls? The QT? I think the majority vote is...

 

YOU ROCK.

 

Terrified? Smerrified.

 

A course on getting a job? Just get the job love - it's easier.

 

Forget the whole "who will want me?" rubbish. What do you want to do? Interviewing is about you finding an opportunity that YOU want.

 

- I have hired a lot of people...Companies look for people that are honest, straightforward, hardworking, reliable and willing to learn. You are all of those things. I'm fairly certain you need qualifications for some jobs - flying a plane for example I think they look for flying qualifications - but that apart, you can do anything Marti.

 

You want practical help - drop me a PM. We'll get it sorted.

Keep your chin up (((Marti)))

Good things will happen for you, just you wait and see :)

Aww marti sweetheart...what a horrible position to be in at home....

Your home is your Sanctuary...where you should feel safe ,secure and happy....

Sometimes no matter how hard we try to accommodate someone.....we will never please...

So....stop trying.....yes she your mum....but it doesn't always mean you will get along...

Things will get better once she has her own place...

I'm a little bit out of the job scene now...so hopefully the youngens here will give you some good advice...

I'm sorry your havin to deal with this....dam shame...

((((((hugs ))))

Xxxx

Oh my dear twin, been there, been called that! As El B said, mums know which buttons to push. Try to think that she is not herself. I know that may be rubbish (mine was evil) but it might make it easier for you.

 

We ALL love you and how can we all be wrong??

 

Ditto El B's advice on job searching. You are so full of enthusiasm, kindness and good you will be snapped up. Decide what you would like to do and just apply. Chin up, back straight, March on my girl!

Awe sweetie I hope she gets moved out soon.I think she is toxic to you and your family.We cannot chose our family..unfortunately at times...You are one of this sweetest kindest caring people I know. She is trying to belittle you because she is jealous of the life you have..the way you live it and your cheerfulness. Please don't let her bring you down.. chin up sweetie. I am so sorry you have a shitty mom..I understand that believe me...you will get through this sanity and all and be better because of it! Hugs and love to you my friend. .xx

Thank you guys. Currently a steak and a bottle plus of wine down, sometimes my coping techniques could use improvement. Will read again tomoz and regroup. x

Marti...I know somebody just like your mom, mine...Oh, the nastiness...we can trade stories someday.  Right now though, you have to understand none of this is your fault.  Sometimes when people realize they have no real power over us any longer, they become bitter and vengeful and will take pleasure in it.  Something about doling out crappy insults tends to make some people feel superior.  Just because somebody says something about you doesn't make it so.  You know this, right?  I'm sure you've told this to your kids a time or two?  Well, it applies to you as well.  Nobody in their right mind would believe any of that about you anyway.    We cannot change others, we can only love them :)

 

You must be excited to start this new chapter in your life though?  I would be glad to help with your resume if you need it.  Don't forget life experience.  Being the caretaker of your mom for so long can be really helpful there.  Computer classes can be really helpful, definitely encouraged.  In the interim, maybe you could check to see if any help is needed at your girls' school?

... I know that it is easier said than done sometimes but you have to stop letting her hurt you because that is how she retains power over you. Dobby is a free elf, Marti. 

 

I am sorry that you have a crap mom, and wish that you didn't because you don't deserve it and I am sorry that you are having a tough time. I (and everyone here) knows that you are awesome :D

^^^ I agree with DevilDoll!

Marti, everything everybody here is telling you is the absolute truth! You have a toxic mother, you and your family will be much happier when she's gone, you're a lovely person, and you will find a job you like. It's all true. 

 

The funny thing is, looking for a job is scary for everybody. I have more education, credentials and experience than you can shake a stick at. But I would rather soak my head in a toilet bowl than go on a job interview. Seriously!! Just the thought of being judged and found wanting reduces me to quivering mass of gelatin. It has nothing to do with skills and abilities-- it has to do with confidence and not taking rejection personally. (Obviously, you need to do as I say, not as I do.  :) ) So gird your loins and get out there! You're going to meet a bunch of nice people and learn about some very interesting jobs and you are going to "click" with one of them.

 

Also, if you are interested in starting your own business at some point, try to find a job in a business similar to the one you want to start. If you want to do holistic healing, maybe you could be a receptionist or an assistant in a holistic healing center. Or work in a related field like clerk in an herbalist shop so you can expand your knowledge in your field. How about working in a school where they teach what you want to do? As a staff member you might even qualify for free courses one day. Even volunteer work in your field will provide you with valuable experience and help you start a professional network. Try to take a long term view. Not just grabbing for the first job that comes along (which is fine for the short term) but think of where you would like to be in 5 years and start moving in that direction. And, yes, you are going to need basic computer skills. You can start that right away. Our public library has free computer classes several days a week. Employment centers (what you might call the "labor board") have them, too. Or put up a notice in your apartment building and local shops asking for tutoring. Maybe you can barter-- trade your spiritual healing sessions for their computer lessons. Be brave. Be creative. And go for the brass ring!

((( Marti))) - so sorry I am late and even sorrier you are having a hard time ...but you can do this ! You have so many demonstrable skills you just need to learn how to show them :-). Happy for you to pm and would love to help with a resume etc if ya need - just ask xx

Deep breath.

 

The Mum stuff is really hurting. People are believing her, people that know us both loosely like through the pub and such. Not most people, but some. That stings, a lot. I feel like some little sad case that I care, but I do...I just can't lower myself to whinging on facebook, I am a better person than that, it's too lame.

 

End game, I want to do my spiritual business but teach what I've learnt. Still do some card readings and healings and maybe one other skill set as yet undecided too.  So any and all courses add to the fact that at a basic level I will be running a course or courses. Plus I like to learn, anything really. My reiki masters is booked for august, my teachers (the last stage) a bit later in the year and then I can train people as well as do it. Another how to course on running a spiritual business in May. I should be completely immersed in about a year? This all happened when I was expecting to do this around caring for my Mum and kids.  I desperately need a computer course and my friend is going to walk me through what I can do to my facebook page to increase traffic when I'm ready etc. I have no idea how to write an advert even? My "way" is to make sure I'm altogether ready, panic, then something happens where i think screw it and jump lol.

 

Ok so the job thing, I guess I need a template CV as I don't even know where to start. Last time I applied for a job I was mid 20s, had all the experience and didn't get it because I didn't smile. I'm now 39, it's been a while. So I booked on the course to practice interview techniques, learn about how to fill in forms and CVs, etc. The course content is good, just the whingy people and all their animosity are driving me insane. I don't even know what to apply for either?  I restart the volunteer work at the Nursery attached to my kids school next tues. I adore children and working with them but don't want to be a teaching assistant really. Then there's the references! I cared for 3 years. I ran my own pub for 6 years before that. I worked for the Woolworths group for 11 years before that and they went bust (after I left lol) so references....  I'm in contact with two of my old managers from the woolies crew but it won't be official. So for 20 odd years I am untraceable!  

 

The shake up is exciting, the thought of the freedom is exciting but I'm on the back foot.

 

Quite apart from the crap I will have to downsize and move and getting rid of all the stuff before that becomes an issue. E bay (selling page) and I are becoming reaquainted. Financially I will be worse off. I know about the benefits I'm entitled too, it's if I work under 16 hours per week I get support but I would rather move into a smaller place and downsize rent and bills (when I moved here I had a husband and a mum so 4 beds and £1000 per month rent were fine). But I was bankrupt so most estate agents won't touch me. I put my name on the housing list but as I have a house I'm not a priority. I just feel like I'm banging my head against a wall! Chris will help of course, but I don't want a set up where I rely on him being with me. I carry too much fear from a failed marriage and christ, I can't even get on with my own mum, so want to be able to be independant if I need to be.  Plus I need to buy a car, I use my mums car and of course she will take it with her.  It's just all so much altogether!

 

Good thinking about the library for courses too. Will check that! The jobcentre (the place that helps me) only let's you do one course at a time, so I can't apply for the computer course for another 4 weeks.

 

Thank you for the personality votes, seriously. I am even doubting myself now and double checking myself too often. 

Sweetheart....

Deep breaths......don't look at the whole picture.....it's too big....same as quiting....

Break it down....one task....little steps.....

Your 39 years old....still so young to rebuild a new life....

My mother in law was the most wicked person I have ever encountered...I wish I had to steps to change things....

The scars now are deep....only surround your self with positive people ,because your worth nothing less...

You have plans in the career department....I'm sure folks here will help all they can....

My kids are in thier forties...we have a great relationship.....I learned by my mother in law....

You only get back what you give out.....

Hugs xxxxxxx

Don't doubt yourself Marti, it will all work out in the end as it usually does.

 

You say she has hoodwinked some folk into believing your claims? Not surprised Marti as folk are fickle...doesn't mean it's true though so just try and mentally move on from that going over in your mind- you know the truth and that's the bottom line, sod em, not worth the thinking time.

 

Keep your chin up Marti...this will all be over soon, it just will xx

How are you right now Marti? You are in my thoughts sweetie. Like you told me...simply..everything will be okay. You were right..sending you cyber hugs and positive thoughts..xx

Hi, Marti-

 

Only you and your mother know what really went on in your house and why the situation became untenable. If you think that you did wrong and mistreated your mother, apologize to her and promise to mend your ways. However, if you know that she was harsh and critical and demanding then stick to your guns! Believe in yourself and have the courage of your convictions. The people who don't KNOW what went but claim to believe your mother are people who just love juicy gossip. If you try to explain what was happening from  your point of view they won't want to hear it. They get no pleasure from a fair and balanced story, only from a story that makes someone look bad. They especially enjoy it when people try to defend themselves-- more grist for the gossip  mill. Don't bother doing that.

 

So be honest with yourself-- if you have been a bitch to your mother, apologize and fix it. If she has been a bitch to you (which I believe is the case) be confident in the rightness of your decision to stand up for yourself. And when you meet someone who says that you behaved badly, look at them, arch your eyebrows and say, "There are two sides to every story." and walk away. Your life is going to get much better from here on out. 

Just need to point out that your post above Marti, is written on a computer, is well structured, logical and comprehensible. Tick.

 

You are right - stay out of Facebook wars.

 

Character references  can be used instead of employment ones. Doctors? Any regulars who were Directors? Teachers? When I ask for references I am interested in where someone has worked and how, but primarily I am looking for indications of trust.

 

Keep smiling QB - you are on the up.

Hi, Marti-

 

Only you and your mother know what really went on in your house and why the situation became untenable. If you think that you did wrong and mistreated your mother, apologize to her and promise to mend your ways. However, if you know that she was harsh and critical and demanding then stick to your guns! Believe in yourself and have the courage of your convictions. The people who don't KNOW what went but claim to believe your mother are people who just love juicy gossip. If you try to explain what was happening from  your point of view they won't want to hear it. They get no pleasure from a fair and balanced story, only from a story that makes someone look bad. They especially enjoy it when people try to defend themselves-- more grist for the gossip  mill. Don't bother doing that.

 

So be honest with yourself-- if you have been a bitch to your mother, apologize and fix it. If she has been a bitch to you (which I believe is the case) be confident in the rightness of your decision to stand up for yourself. And when you meet someone who says that you behaved badly, look at them, arch your eyebrows and say, "There are two sides to every story." and walk away. Your life is going to get much better from here on out. 

 

So very well stated!!  Brilliant...

Marti, what alot to deal with! You seem to be a smart and strong person so you will make it through to the other side of the problems and it might be greener pastures when you get there