Posting from a very dark place

[Susana]

I´m posting here because I hope that my words will help somebody to make up their mind and not light up that "only one" cigarette.

 

I´ve been relapsed for a couple of weeks now. I was, too, romancing the cigarette, or feeling overwhelmed by the hardness of my quit, or who knows...

 

I did let go. I did it. I smoked.

 

When I say I am "relapsed" I mean it. I am not a "smoker". I am not a "happy smoker" who just lights up carelessly and enjoys the addiction without giving it a thought. After an informed quit, nobody can go back to be a "smoker". You just become a "relapsed".

 

- Smoking is not enjoyable. Not.A.Single.One.Of.Them.

- After the first cigarette, you want another one, and another one, and another one. Before you realise you are smoking a pack a day, two packs a day, regretting every single one of them. How was that? "I was where I wanted to be before I quit... and now I´m back there after all the effort, and the pride, and the happiness of reaching that point"... THAT.

- You start by being a closet smoker. You don´t want to face those people that knew you had quit and congratulated you and even asked you how you did it, in awe and admiration, considering whether they were ready themselves. So you hide. It is demeaning.

- Then you start smoking in the open, and facing those people that knew you had quit and congratulated you and even asked you how you did it, in awe and admiration, considering whether they are ready themselves. It is embarrassing. It is disheartening. This bit to me was really, really, really AWFUL

- After the first day the smoking cough comes back. All day. Clearing your throat. All day

- After the first night you wake up feeling rotten. The "I´ve been licking a dirty mop" feeling.

- You realise you DO stink. Smokers don´t realise they stink, but you are a relapsee... believe me, you DO. And there is no soap, no detergent, no cologne in this world that will delete that awful smell from your hands, your clothes, you hair, your pillow. You notice it from the start, and you keep noticing it every morning, every night, as a reminder of your stupidity.

- After a week of smoking you start noticing how you can´t run as far, or as fast, or a minuscule bike ride becomes exhausting, your legs feel sluggish, you are grasping for air... and you know why. After one week!

- You have an ulcer in your mouth and you think "mouth cancer". You have a pain in your back and you think "lung cancer". You spend all day, every day, worrying. Because you have ALL  the information by now... there is no hiding your head in the sand. You KNOW by now... you have read, you have seen the videos, you KNOW. Smokers may not know, or they may not want to know, but you.... you KNOW.

 

And then the cycle starts again... just this one, just this pack, just today, just this week... you realise you are not a smoker. You are a relapsee, and your place is with the quitters, not with the smokers, and you just want to go back. Back to where you were a couple of weeks ago, when you were proud, and were celebrating, and smelled nice, and were healthy, and were making plans for the future, looking at the money you had already saved, looking ahead, looking forward. When you are a relapsee you only look back. You just want to get back.

 

That´s where I´m at. It is a nasty dark place. Please do not look at me and think "Hmmm... I want to be where Susana is". Don´t be an idiot.

 

I know. I´ve read, I´ve listened, and still I did it. I just hope you don´t. My intention is to be where you are now... and it would be really sad if by then you are where I am now.

 

I honestly hope this helps. I also hope I will be with you tomorrow. I am not enjoying a bit where I am now.

[Soberjulie]

:(  You ARE a smoker if you are still smoking.   

 

Flush em.....flush em....what are you waiting for?

[Sazerac]

You ARE a Smoker.

 

:(  You ARE a smoker if you are still smoking.   

 

Flush em.....flush em....what are you waiting for?

Look at yourself, poor thing !

Stop it !

You ARE a Smoker.

You are seconds away from FREEDOM.

NOPE

[beacon]

Take my hand and come back out into the light.

 

 

Also, Susana have you taken Chantix before? Maybe it would help. Or Zyban?

[Susana]

 

After an informed quit, nobody can go back to be a "smoker". You just become a "relapsed".

 

Being a "relapsed" is much much much much worse than being a smoker. Believe me. Of course I am a smoker because I smoke. But my neighbour is a smoker that has never quit, or tried, or thought about it... I could smoke ´til I die and I will never be like him again. Because I did quit. And I KNOW. That´s what I meant.

[Susana]

I may give cold turkey a last shot, and failing that, Chantix (it is available in Spain, I´ve checked. Not cheap, but available), or hypnosis. I think my problem is mental rather than physical. I deal well with physical cravings, it is my mind that betrays me.

[Sazerac]

Semantics.  You are a Nicotine Junkie.

Please Quit, Susana.  It is friggin' Wonderful  !!!

[beacon]

I may give cold turkey a last shot, and failing that, Chantix (it is available in Spain, I´ve checked. Not cheap, but available), or hypnosis. I think my problem is mental rather than physical. I deal well with physical cravings, it is my mind that betrays me.

It is all mental after the beginning week I think.

[Soberjulie]

I know...."smoker" sounds icky doesnt it........

"Relapsed" sounds...hmmm....more sanitized somehow...

 

If you put things in your mouth and light them on fire, you are a smoker. 

[Chrysalis]

Susana, you are hiding from your own truth. And as long as you refuse to acknowledge what is going on with you and accept responsibility for your choices, you will not have the life you want. 

 

The truth is that you are an active nicotine addict. Mentally and physically there is no such category as "relapser". You are either a smoker or a non-smoker. Acknowledge that fact.

 

Second, you need to accept and understand why you chose to start smoking again. A few weeks ago you said that you "just don't know" why you relapsed. You do know. Of course you do. You need to reveal the reason and deal with it. Some people can skip the navel-gazing step and just say N.O.P.E. and not smoke. But I think that you, like me, need to understand better what is going on with you. So get honest with yourself.

 

Look at your truths, Susana, with honesty and courage. Deal with your realities. Then quit smoking again from a position of knowledge and strength. 

[Sazerac]

Changing patterns, mental patterns is a great adventure and teaches me a lot about myself and the world.

It isn't painful or a drudgery.  It is exciting to me.  

I mean, what else are you doing with your time ?

Sticky stuck in addiction, stuck in an idiotic habit ?  How fun is that ?

Change is Good.

You should have more Fun, Susanna.

Love,

S

[bakon]

wait a while and try chemo- it will make you quit.

[Susana]

Again, what I mean is that a "relapsed smoker" that has quit before and has had a taste of the freedom and the happiness, and the pride, that comes with a quit, will never feel like they did before they quit. .I could edit my post and change "relapsed" into "relapsed smoker" but it would look silly now. Of course a person who smokes is a smoker is a smoker is a smoker :rolleyes:

[Jenny]

Susana, it lovely of you to try to help others from relapsing.  You are a very caring person. 

 

How do we get you to care as much about yourself?

 

XX--Quit today.

[action]

Susana, we can only try to help you if you let us. Please join us. Take my hand and join us... It's better here, but you already know that.

[bakon]

stupid, moron, window licker,  all means same thing. I am so disappointed. This is our second group and how many attempts? how long since you first posted and quit? more than a year right?

 

YOu fail because of drinking and friends it seems. Time for a change somewhere.

[beacon]

Ps we love you.

[Chrysalis]

Oh, I see what you mean. A "relapsed smoker" is a smoker with the extra added burden of shame and self-loathing for having failed a quit. OK. If you want to call it that. However, I suspect that there are really very, very few smokers who have not tried to quit at least once. Even if just because they were in the hospital for a few days and thought, "Gee, I haven't smoked for the last 3 days, I wonder if I can keep it up after I'm discharged." But regardless of who has or has not tried to quit, just attend to your own quit and don't compare yourself to anyone who is still smoking. You do what you need to do to protect your quit!

[beacon]

I am not sure how long you have quit before? Maybe you never get to the good part, the free part, and so being quit is not truly appealing?

[bakon]

you still here- sos don't work if you went to have one and come back to say it wasn't good.

 

I do like the original post of how it is not rewarding. everyone should read that. what I don't like is the treadmill of quiting and then smoking, quiting and then smoking....

 

what is your plan?

 

chick from spain who wont try hard enough to quit  or just chick from spain, who joins us and quits for good. mental smental, its all mental. look at all the quiters here, you saying your the weakest?? your not. if you can see the difference then you are smart enough to figure out what to do...

[Jenny]

I don't say this often Susana, but Bakon is right......

 

We love you and we want you to make it. 

[Susana]

I still don´t know what the problem is.

 

I seem to do great to start with, and then after week 6 I go mad. I did 103 days last year and felt great. I know exactly why I threw that quit away but I´d rather not tell. Then did another 6 weeks, and another 7 weeks, and 6 weeks and so on and so forth.

 

To be honest. I´d rather quit and think about it at week 5.

[bakon]

go read tracey tough love thread. you are capable for hard part then give up? something is goofy here. you give up when it gets good.

[Susana]

I´m going to bed. I haven´t smoked for a few hours now. I did make a point of finishing a pack and not getting a new one. Tomorrow I have to work but I´ll keep an eye.

 

Thank you all. Even Bakon.

[bakon]

DREAM OF ME, JUST WASH SHEETS IN MORNING