hellkatbaby

Ah the quit money lol - I need to get my ticker going so it can do all the adding for me! I think in the beginning I will definitely hire a maid service - make things easy on myself and do all the chores I just cant stand!! And now that my BF is jumping on the bandwagon we plan to finish up all those 1/2 finished home improvement jobs we started and never finished lol. I'd really like to have my kitchen re-done and more open. My house is from the 50's so it's definitely time to upgrade!!

Way to go wants it!!!

Well at least I got to sleep a little bit more tonight - made it until 2:30 vs 12:30 lol. Two extra hours but that's ok. The more my mind is clearing I'm realizing I'm kicking quite a few habits at once and they may be contributing to the whole re-wiring of the new normal and just waking up for no reason when before it would be to wake up and smoke, stumble back to bed and then back to sleep. Prior to all this I had been lowering my caffeine intake and drinking more water and learning how to deal with my anxiety more naturally - regardless I feel really good! Today was a great day! I got to have a dinner date with my son - just the two of us! And boy did we eat lol. I think both our eyes were bigger than our stomachs, by the time we left we were stuffed to the gills. But I loved that we could just sit and NOT talk about the elephant in the room and just laugh. I must say I'm really proud of the young man he's turned into. And as I've mentioned before he really is my heart and soul. There's this one girl he's been on and off with lately and she's moving to Chicago and wants him to go with her - telling him there are plenty of jobs there for him. But he's a smart cookie and realized the fact that he even had to stop and think about it gave him his answer. He's only 25 and just made GM at his work, he's not ready to settle down quite yet and isn't one for a long distance relationship. He has much bigger plans ahead for his future - He wants to be his own boss with his own company and I really believe with his drive he will make it happen. Very proud mamma moment!! My sister has been running a fever since yesterday and her birthday is in 3 days and she has no insurance. I told my mom by Monday if she is not better we are getting her to the acute care center and get her whatever it is she needs so she's back at the top of her game - she is my hang out buddy, my pick me upper, my motivator and my Netflix and chill soul sister. I cant have her sick!! And then there are the unspoken members of my team - I have a Rottie and a Mastiff. Tank and Luna - just big old love bugs. While neither are certified therapy dogs they've been a part of the pack for so long they just know what to do and when by nature. Whether it's to just follow me room to room as I putz or to simply lay at my feet as I rest or just there for hugs and kisses and of course to see what falls out of my sandwiches so they can gobble it up lol - they are the best and I wouldn't trade them for the world! Took all the stress off this afternoon by paying up the bills ahead of time just in case I happened to forget that way no stone is left unturned. Just dotting the I's and crossing my T's. And now I'm rambling....yup 5 AM - geez - might as well see if I can get in a few hours sleep while I can. I hope everyone has a great weekend!! Remember NOPE!!! Not today - not ever!!

Thank you Jillar! those are the stories I like to hear because trust me I plan to be that 80+ year old lady. As my Dr. mentioned they know more this year than last year with all their studies. And Cancer is now a word, not a sentence! We truly are the heroes of our own stories and I've been about through all you mentioned - divorce, family, money and now health. Somehow each one made me stronger and wiser in their own way. But I always took the lessons in stride - kept the good and tossed the trash. Life can really slam you to floor sometimes and that's when you pick yourself up, shake it all off, look it in the eye and say - LETS DANCE! I'm so glad your treatments have been successful!! And you are right there are times no matter the distractions around you - you just have to concentrate on yourself as I'm learning to do. I want to thank everyone again for their encouragement and words of wisdom and advice - it truly does wonders for the mind and soul!

Today (yesterday?) - let's just say 8/1 since my time just merges, was a really good in sync day for the body and mind. For once they both decided to work together without me having to say 'what am I doing? Why did I just walk in this room for the 15th time!!?? That sort of ADHD unfocused yet wanting to do it all at once feeling but not really getting as much done as you thought? But this AM I woke up, made some breakfast had a cup or 2 of decaf just for taste. A 1st normal morning I would call it. Washed up my plates and put them away when I was done vs putting them in the sink saying uhhh I'll get those later. NOPE! You'll do it NOW - no more putting things off. By noon I had a bin full of useless crap ready to drag out to the street for tomorrows trash day and a bunch of cleaned out cabinets and counter space ready to be properly organized. Nice and simple. I was quite amazed at the a tons of useless nick nacks, as cute as they are, that were just wasting space. Something else to have to pick up and dust or clean around. NOPE! Didn't even feel the need to separate for a donation bin - just get rid of what's not needed. By the time that I was was done it was ready for my Dr. appt to have my Dead Pool mask made. It was pretty simple and took less than 20min. I think we spent more time in the waiting room then anything - but no big deal. The only thing that really bothered me was how hard that table was as I laid there - no padding except under the neck and knees and it really did a number on my upper back which I was not prepared for - but hey small potatoes. After that she said all we had to do was pick a time that I thought would work for me and they would slot me in ASAP to start the radiation. The process lasts only 5 min (minus check in and wait time) I chose the 10AM slot - after the AM rush hour traffic and before PM lunch rush. All I have to do now is wait for their call. It could be as soon as tomorrow or some point Monday or Tuesday, either way I'll be ready. As they say no make up required, dress comfy and just show up and they will do the rest. I got to see lots of ppl at different stages of their journey while in the lobby. That was a stark reminder that this will be no walk in the park by any means. For the majority whether they were at the start, middle, or near end of their treatment you could see the fight in them. One gentleman was very nauseous and I could see him holding his head and hear him say lets do this. His wife and sister were right there by his side and I know that made all the difference. One lady looked so tired and was trying to call her friends to just come get her. That was a hard one to watch. I don't know what part of treatment she was having but she was alone, her shuttle was late forcing her to wait. The Dr.s came out trying to encourage her and she just kept saying I'm just too tired, I'm just too tired, my legs hurt. He kept telling her she had to let the antibiotic take effect and her legs would start to feel better but that she HAD to keep moving and continue her appts. not lie around like she had been. She just kept pulling out candy and eating it shaking her head no. You could see the fight going out in her right there and it was heart wrenching to say the least. I had to walk into the restroom just to collect myself and look myself in the mirror, in my own eyes and soul and say again I WILL NEVER GIVE UP!! By the time I came out they were calling my name for my fitting. Then as I was leaving I ran into a spry one - he had a kick of life in him let me tell you - that was the pick me up I needed. He lifted up his hat as he'd lost his hair and said see that's alright it will come back nice and pretty now! He was almost dancing and it filled my heart with hope again. Came home and just piddled around in the garden a bit while the dogs ran around burning up their energy and my BF-J cooked chicken on the grill - mmmmm food lol. Then was able to hit the hay around 8:30ish as it was a long day. Woke back up at that odd 1AMish time and now that 4am is near I can hear the bed calling my name again. Each day, one day at a time. Tomorrow I plan to clear out a few more things - more out with the old and in with the new. However if they call me at 7am and say let's go - then I'll be up and at em you better believe! I called my family team to let them know things may be moving a little faster and they didn't even bat a eye - just said 'we've got this!' Tomorrow night my son is coming over after work and we have a dinner date lol! I'm so looking forward to it too. These are the times that are MOST important - surrounded by those you love with nothing but laughter and good times! Until then - I want everyone to keep up the fight in YOUR quit - remember to breathe deep and how good that feels, don't forget to stop and smell the flowers and appreciate the wonders the world offers all around you - all you have to do is look. My eyes are wide open now and I will never take one moment for granted again because at the end of the day it's all small potatoes. I think when I get around to doing my blog that's what I will name it - small potatoes - I like that.

Thanks for all your replies. and prayers. Figured I'd pop in and give a brief update of what's been going on - as of now it's a lot of hurry up and wait. We had the 1st meet and greet this past Monday with my 'family support' team and my 1st mini team of Dr's. - Boy talk about the Funky Bunch lol. We all just seemed to 'click'. They never once made us feel as if they were in a hurry, took their time and answered all our questions - and there were a lot naturally. So much to take in and my thoughts just scattered to the wind over the past days/week? Time seems to blend all together. Thank god for my sister and BF the note / detail takers jotting down the lingo checking off appointment days - always important to have those on a team when you cant even collect your own thoughts and zinging of the meds and just the whole reality check of it all. So to fill in the gaps as best I can - As far as the rest of the scans from the lungs down all is clear. I had been having back pain prior and worried about what they found but turns out my posture just sucks so I can deal with that. Picked up a wrap around back support device that I wear during the day now and it's helped a lot. As far as the rest we'll start with the brain. Anytime the brain is involved it's the 1st to be treated regardless. Because these are small clusters and not just 1 tumor I will be having what they call full brain treatment vs targeted treatment. Meaning from the neck up the entire head/brain get radiation to shrink and kill the clusters. Right now I'm still on strong steroids to control the swelling and on a 'trial' medication to help with any short term memory loss that may come once the radiation starts. Apparently these are only 5 min sessions for 10 days straight. I'm able to drive myself to and from treatment and lucky that I'm only 15min from the center. However my family team is like yea NO we are with you every step of the way and that is a great comfort right now. Tomorrow I go in to have my mask fitted - yes my Deadpool mask lol and then back on the 12th for a 'simulated run' and then they will set up my appointments for the 10 days straight of zap zap zap. From how they explained the side effects of that and it's different for every one of course - is that even though it's 10 days - the effects take much longer. For the 1st 3 to 4 wks they expect me to go up and down on the chart which is the norm. They advised there will be days I will feel fine, some just tired, others I may not feel like moving at all. But after the 4th -5th week they generally see an increase in energy levels and you start to climb back up on the chart. Hair loss (small potatoes) And then more - hurry and wait. As far as the lung part - they are waiting for the biopsy still which will let them know which meds to best use based on the originating organ (lung most likely). As each organ responds differently to different meds/chemo. But that part and info will come later as the brain is the main focus for now. My family team has been so strong for me - we are all so different in personalities etc but really pull together when needed. Over the past week I can see the different emotions and effects this has taken on all of them. It's very emotionally charged, draining, up lifting, putting things into perspective, the petty crap doesn't even matter anymore - grab life by the balls and just LIVE. Today was hard on my BF - he's taken the week off so we can get things done and while he's been so brave I saw his moment hit and it's at these times where you just have to step back and let them process it all in and give them their space. If not it just becomes too much and too consuming and we all need that time alone to reflect and recharge. I know because I go there every night in my own head which is why I have a notebook by my bed and it's just about full. After dinner I could tell he was just mentally exhausted and so tired from thinking. I told him my mom and sister are chomping at the bits to take me to this visit and it would be a good time for him to take a break, go visit a friend, just sleep or do whatever he wanted. No need to sit in a waiting room while I get my 'facial' as they call it there. But he insists. I didn't press further but I'm hoping in the morning I can convince him otherwise. Take the dogs to the beach - just something normal. As for my mental state - well it's all over the place as expected. Usually after hours of writing thoughts fade and sleep finds me. I did pick up some of those adult coloring books today however so if I find myself back up at 3AM at least I have something new to focus on. Everyday is different and I just ride it out and make sure I start the next day on a positive note and end it on a positive note. Learning lessons from the day before - again throw out the trash and keep the good. I stay active most the day and take a nice power hour or 2 nap then refresh and back to life - more hurry up and wait lol. Right now it's time to try and get some sleep and start the day fresh. I wish everyone the best of luck no matter what stage you are in your quit - DONT EVER GIVE UP! YOU ARE MUCH STRONGER THAN YOU THINK!

I'm sorry you relapsed - just stick to your guns and NOPE - keep that deep breathing high energy going with your kids in mind every crave of the way. You can do this!!

Michelle - I understand that junkie mentality all to well TRUST ME - just 1 and it will be ok, then 2 then a pack and back to full blown smoking, quitting, smoking UGH it's a vicious circle BTDT. It's denial ,denial, denial, no other way to put it. And you are right, it's something only YOU can have control over. There is no one there twisting your arm except your own mind. Step over to my thread for just a moment - hmm yup same threads/posts I used to avoid ALL THE TIME too because of that SAME denial and junkie mentality. Hopefully it will help you a bit or if nothing else scare the crap out of you. Either way the choice is always yours and I hope that you can stop this cycle for your own peace of mind. I'm finding we are all stronger then we think when it comes down to it.

This is a hard one for me - wasn't quite where I should post it or even at all. But felt this tale of caution would jolt those that were in denial with their quit to wake up a little more, and for those who are trying so hard to keep their quit to NEVER GIVE UP - EVER! Sooo, here it goes.... I went to the ER Tuesday when the headaches returned. I've had 5 maybe 6 days to process all of this so please bear with me, things may be a bit out of order or scattered but this is the 1st post anywhere regarding this and the ONLY place I plan to post about this for now. There's no way to sugar coat any of what I'm about to say - so I'm just going to say it. Obviously these are not your basic headaches - this is stage 4 - lungs to lymph node to brain. That being said and many tests and scans later my quickly assembled mini team from MD Anderson are very hopeful and positive. They have been straight shooters from day one explaining with all the advanced technology while this is not curable it is treatable and manageable And they are not here to give me a 'set date' but hope. They feel with targeted radiation starting with the brain, which at this point is the size of a nickle at the largest and smaller clusters that they can be shrunk and controlled. Still waiting for the biopsy to return to determine what 'family/class and organ this originated at as that will let them know how to proceed with rest of the treatment as far as lungs, etc. So I know radiation/chemo is the course at this point. As I said I was admitted on Tuesday and given the fact that in spite of all that was thrown my way in just that 48hrs my attitude toward all of it - remaining positive, asking questions, taking notes and not spiraling out of control they were comfortable enough to feel they could discharge me with a high dose of steroids for the swelling and reduce the headaches. (which they have) They felt that my 'score' was high enough that to keep me inpatient was not the right place for me and discharged me Wed. night after the biopsy. So I've been taking things day by day, step by step, as I've said it's a lot to take in, obviously not a 5yrd dash but a marathon. Tomorrow I meet with the rest of my 'team' at MD Anderson to get a tour of the center and from all my notes taken at the hospital between me and family they want to start with the brain radiation pretty quickly. I get my own 'spiderman' mask as they call it - but I'm a Deadpool fan - he kicked ass and had a sense of humor to match so It will be my Deadpool mask - those that know that movie will get it and hopefully appreciate where I coming from with that. So I'm sure that is one of the topics we will go over in more detail, and to answer the questions I have for them as well that seem to pile up as the days have passed. Anyhow - POSITIVITY and keeping up the good fight is the name of the game still - just a new battle is all. I have my ups and downs as expected but for now I'm keeping things on the UP. Went out to the river house where my sister lives and spent the day Thursday for some fresh air and a change of scenery. Went to lunch with the family Friday, got some things done yesterday and then lunch with my son today. I have not and do not plan to keep anything from my family as at this point they are my biggest support team. We are all soaking it up in our own different ways and that's natural. As I said today is just day 6 since the news. I may start a blog on here but know nothing about this RSS Feed/Twitter - yadda yadda. So felt right here at the start is where I would start. Please keep in mind this IS NOT A PITY POST!!! This is about no matter where you are in your fight against smoking of why you NEVER QUIT QUITTING THE GOOD FIGHT!!!

I'm still hanging in there - starting to feel that irritation/aggravation creep on. Had a few headaches today, something I don't remember dealing with on prior quits. The irritation and aggravation I knew would show up sooner or later. I was hoping to come home and just relax but my BF isn't going to let that happen. He's one of those that are constantly 'what are you doing, what site is that your on as he has the TV and his phone going at the same time on full blast in the background...Just feeling like I have no privacy with my own thoughts when I really need it the most and want to just punch him in the mouth at the moment - I know it has more to do with just getting through this 1st week the best I can and keeping my focus ( but still a good mouth punch might make me feel a wee better lol). I would go in the room and close the door but know 10min later would come that rapping at the door and just piss me off even more. Sometimes I feel like if I could have a nice long week of R&R alone at a hotel it would make things much easier - but you can't escape life. So I just keep hanging on.

So todays AM Cravings are a beast. I've got a notepad next to me so that every time I have a craving I write down the time and try to figure out what the trigger is other than just the habit thats making me want to smoke. And so far the only thing I can narrow it down to is the addiction. I know it'll pass and I keep trying to remember those 90 days I went without smoking and how good it felt. Right now it seems like that's the only thing that keeps me hanging on.

Romancing the cigarette was the hardest part for me - it seemed to go hand in hand with that junkie mentality. But as you said over time is does get better. Journaling helped me a lot too. I keep re-reading the parts about how good it felt to be able not to give into the crave or when I could walk past the smokers section and work and think wow - so glad that's not me anymore. I truly cant wait to get back to the point. Today was a hard one for me as well. I slept some, cleaned some and craved some and the night isn't even over yet. All we can do is keep on keeping on, knowing that by giving in we'll be right back where we started and going through all the motions again - not a fun a place to be. Our quits aren't too far apart - so together we can do this!!!

HK - remember life is full of ups and downs and even sideways move. You've been down this road too many times to know that smoking is not going to solve the problem but only create new ones - remember that you are always one puff away from a pack a day and setting yourself up for failure for even thinking about it. Breathe deep - take a walk - carry your balloons high and this too shall pass!! Hang in there girl!! You've got this. - and btw buy yourself a better laptop with all the $$ you're going to save!! You're welcome!

Thanks for the welcome and advice! Going through my journal and reading over my lapses I realized I tended to blame the situation vs holding myself accountable - again always look for an excuse to justify picking up the habit again. And Boo you are so right - the power is mine. All it took was that 1 puff to put me right back to square one. I remember that 90 day loss like it was yesterday. I was so depressed that I had come so far just to blow it. I was at the point where I was breathing easier, my smell and taste had returned - I no longer worried about smelling like a smoke stack around other people. I had passed the flat plateau of no mans land and past the point of romancing smoking and I finally was carrying my own balloons so to speak. The next thing I knew it took just just one small trigger/setback and I was back to a pack a day with a junkie mentality just totally defeated at what I had done. It was a very low point for me and I never could just pick up where I left off - and continue on with my quit, instead I would just reach for another cig. I've tried several times since then but could never get my head back in the game. So here I am ready to give it another go. I'm ready to carry my own balloons again. I know there will be times I will need to reach out for for support only this time I wont be so stubborn or ashamed to ask for help! So once again thanks to all for sharing their journeys and words of wisdom!!

About 2yrs ago I started my journey to quit smoking for several reasons - the longest I made it on my last quit was 90 days - but boy what a difference I felt in those 90days!! But like most there was always a reason or excuse to start back up again, just as there's a reason to want to quit again. I'm really hoping this time will be my forever quit. I'm tired of the wheezing and coughing and all the fatigue and illnesses that come with smoking and I'm ready to start feeling healthy again. I've always stuck to the patches as they seem to help me the most. Popped one on this morning and already finding myself fighting thru the cravings and just the plain old habit of having a smoke to relieve my stress - even tho I already know smoking just brings on more stress and to give into the craving with just one puff can lead to a major undo of just a few day days or several weeks worth of success and leaving you with that deflated full of regret feeling. a pattern I don't want to repeat. The one good thing I did do was keep a private daily journal during that time of how I progressed what worked and what didn't and then my relapse hoping to learn from my past mistakes. I remember how hard that 1st month was and remember the sheer excitement of hitting 1 week then the 2nd week and so forth. I want to feel that excitement and healthy again. There is nothing like waking up in the morning and being able to take a deep breath without coughing and reaching for an inhaler to get some relief. I've already removed all smoke related items from the house to resist any temptation - especially for these 1st 3 days. I do remember sleeping a lot those 1st days of of my last quit just to keep from smoking and may try that again - whatever helps right? So here's to the start of day one! I'll probably be posting a lot the next few weeks along with mindless rambling. But wishing the best for all of us on this journey to a healthier lifesytle!