hellkatbaby

THIS!!!!! All the would have/could have and denial of the addiction that I was in - quitting only to relapse only to quit and relapse over and over was MADDENING!!! THERE IS NOTHING AND I MEAN NOTHING GOOD ABOUT SMOKING PERIOD. But you know this already...…...we all did and do. I blamed all my relapses on anyone and anything I could - but in all honesty I was weak!! I was an addict who thought like a junkie and now I am fighting for my very life due to that very denial. You have to stop the fight with your mind and commit yourself to the battle. There is no in between. It's not easy but nothing in life is. It's in these moments that you will find your greatest resolve and all the will power and strength you can muster to continue forward and commit to NOPE! You can make each day easier or each day harder - the choice is always yours. DO NOT make the same mistakes I did and sit in denial thinking it will NEVER happen to you and that just one more puff will be okay. I promise you it is NOT WORTH IT. And I have to echo Sazerac in that: Everyday is a good day to quit smoking and the sooner the better! I truly wish you the best of luck!!!

You go QueenB - you are going to RULE this quit!!! I have total faith in you. I'm sure your smell and taste are coming back and that nice deep breath that follows is such a wonderful feeling!!

Well - I think my new profile pic is appropriate lol! And sleep I did! From 9:30pm til almost 4am and it was a GOOD SLEEP! The mind and body feels so 'recharged' especially after yesterdays news. Today after my treatment I have my weekly follow up with the Radiation/Oncology team. Just the basics to go over how I'm feeling and to check my cognitive responses as well as to see how the trial medication is going. So far so good so nothing to complain about. Just still taking it all in stride one day at a time. It will be a busy week for me after today. The A/C people will be out here Wednesday for the change out. So for me that will be a chill day as they have to turn off the main unit so me, my mom and the pups will be chilling in the den with the window unit until it's completed. A nice Netflix and chill day - maybe I can get her to watch Deadpool with me as she's never seen it!! Then the following days I will spend sorting and cleaning my soaping detash supplies and getting those packed away for the buyer. Whew - that will keep me busy for sure and quite the sorting job but it's good therapy and it's has to be purged. I have so many candles and wax melts I've made that smell so good! I want to burn and smell them as I've always used 100% soy wax, but it's the fragrance oils I'm not so positive about considering smell/the chemical aspect and my lungs - so why chance it. I'll gift those out in appreciation to my WHOLE TEAM! A nice goodie basket of handmade soaps and candles. I went out and bought me a mini smoothie mixer which the 'blender' part also converts to a cup so I can put all this good fresh fruit into a nice single serving and blend away! I think I'll start with the strawberry/blueberry, banana, mango and pineapple mix first. Then make me some nice frozen ice-pops for later. Can you tell I'm really getting into this whole healthy - you are what you eat kick lol. Yesterday I tried lentils and brown rice for the first time and I'm just amazed at all the good food I used to snub!! But better later late than never and my BF is a great cook so that helps a lot! He's also ready to make the move to hop on board - snub the smokes and the drinking!! Even though I'm facing what I am he's just over the moon at the changes I've made in every aspect of my life in spite of it all and hopefully that will give him the strength he needs. He wants to wait until after my radiation before he attempts the 1st step as we all know how stressful quitting anything can be. I told him I would support him every step of the way and that together we would get healthy and happier together! I'm really looking forward to today - I finally feel like things are calming down with the body and mind, the house is nice and settled and everything for now (knock on wood) is just coming together like a well oiled machine for the first time in ages and the 'teamwork' between home and the Dr's are starting to show. HARMONY! Yup a good day indeed!! Again - thank you all so much for your encouragement along my journey! Keep up the good fight - throw out the trash and keep the lessons of the day to carry on!!!! Team DEADPOOL!!!

Oh I so did Jillar!! That 'thumbprint' they were waiting on - turns out I'M IN the 1-5% that have a genetic marker or defect as they call it that will actually work in my favor!! They know exactly what drug to use that fits with this TEAM DEADPOOL genetic marker/defect like a lock and key! So instead of chemo and immunotherapy I will be only taking 1 pill a day that specifically targets and attacks this particular marker only, while leaving the healthy cells alone! I think we were all just SHOCKED! I know it was something the Dr's were really hoping for and mentioned it as a 'BIG IF' and today the BIG IF WAS CONFIRMED!!! And as far as they are concerned things just took a whole new turn in my case and they are really excited, as am I!! It was ALOT to take in, very surreal almost like a dream. I've been up since 12:30AM and I still have not rested or slept since this new news! I know I still have my 'Battle Royal' coming up - but I'm doing this DEADPOOL STYLE!! And I plan on kicking ass and taking names for as long as I can!!! So starting after radiation on the 20th I have my appt. with them on the 28th to go over this new course of treatment and what to expect. They will be delivering the meds via ins. to my home vs me having to go to them and then I will just go in for my follow ups. I already have it set up to get with their nutritionist as healthy eating and clean lifestyle are KEY! That body-mind harmony that Boo mentioned. I let them know I will do everything on my part to keep myself healthy and in shape and worry about what 'I' can control and let them handle the medical side and really work as a TEAM!!! They were really impressed at the changes I've made so quickly and how positive my outlook has been which makes their jobs a lot easier as well. I'm still just spinning at the moment. This is the 1st time I've sat down since around 4:30 - 5:00am when I tried to sleep but it never did find me. Tonight I hope, hope, hope with all the news I will finally just sleep. For now I'm off to take a much needed warm bath and just soak and relax for a bit - then crawl into a clean bed and wait for sleep and dreams. Until tomorrow - TEAM DEADPOOL is game on!!

And 12:30am we meet again....sigh. Ah well it is what it is. Just lots on my mind for tomorrow. After my regular 8:45 appt. I meet with a new Dr. who's part of my hematology/oncology team. So I'm curious to know if anything had come back with my biopsy report and the 'thumbprint' of origin as they call it to know exactly which organ it started with so they know which treatment to use. Obviously as a smoker we know it's the lung. So I don't know if we will be talking about after my radiation treatment such as chemo and/or if this is part of my weekly follow up as a whole and what to expect for upcoming treatments following the radiation for the 2nd part of my battle. My 'note taker' is out of town and it will be just me and my mom today. My mom is good at taking some notes but tends to get lost in the details which is understandable. So I already have my notebook ready with a list of possible questions already written down just in case I slip back into the whole 'deer in the headlights' phase again. That way I can just hand him the notebook and let him fill in the rest. I also have one prepared for my mom (just in case). The good thing is they always very patient and give me time to catch my breath and soak it all in and of course always give me a print out of what was discussed at the end so I can call back with any questions at any time in case something was missed. So until then I will try to remain as calm, cool and collected as I can and remember to breathe. Let the Dr's worry about the 'medical' part I cant control and focus on the parts I can control and work together as a 'team'. I've already packet and separated all my meds as requested that way I can just grab my bag without dealing with that stress tomorrow morning and the whole double checking that I have everything. It's all packaged, bagged, labeled and ready to go! Other than that yesterday was another good day. Went to lunch with my son then we came back to the house and hung out for a bit. Just talking and laughing and keeping things light. It's funny after my mass nesting/organizing of the house over the past weeks - he was like WOW! Just noticing things for the 1st time almost. It was pretty funny he didn't even realized we had tiled the kitchen floor years ago - he was like how did I miss this and what did it used to be?? LMAO. Amazing what a nice throw rug and good mop job will do! I also went online and did a major de-tash of all my soap supplies vs them just rotting away. It was bittersweet for me however something that needs to be done. A lady a few hours away has a sister who is ready to start her soaping journey so I offered up all my supplies and tools at a really good pay it forward deal that she just couldn't pass up. This way I can off load everything at once! Just make it as easy and simple as possible for the both of us - she's not spending a ton of money for what she's getting and I'll have some extra cash in my pocket as well as making lots of space in my spare room. I had 2 huge curing racks that were 6x4ft so you can only imagine the wall space that took up! One will go to her the other is now in the shed serving it's purpose so I have a whole empty closet again! One of my friends has access to boxes at her work and will bring them by so I can start getting things packed up and separated during the week so that should keep me busy and mindful for a while. And once all that is gone I'll be able to set that room up as a guest room/temp office for when I'm ready to start back at work. Yikes - almost 3am!! Time for me to 'try' and catch some shut eye so I'm not a zombie at the Dr's tomorrow! Hope everyone has a great week!!!!

Just another short 'ramble' as I like to call it. Almost made it til 5AM!! YES!! Woke up, had some oatmeal with fresh blue and blackberries added in - mmmm. Nice stick to the ribs food. Even made a cup of decaf just to feel that warm comfy. I did wake up with another leg cramp even though I've been eating bananas to try and help. I'm thinking it's just from 'sleeping' and not restless sleeping. As soon as I stretch it and stand it seems to go away quickly without further bother during the day but something I'll mention on my Monday appt. Yesterdays plans didn't fall through with my son and it was more of a clashing of schedules really so today is all ours. We'll head out for an early lunch and then see where the day take us from there. I just wish this heat would go away so we could check out some of these weekend farmers markers, but it really does suck the life out of you just stepping outside. 94* before 10AM and feeling like 105* come noon!! Crazy!! Then throw in some hormones and a hot flash not a good combo so we'll stick to the A/C places for now. I'd like to talk about my Rottie - Tank aka Doodle Bug! He's so in tune and so sensitive. He waits outside the bathroom for me, always by my side looking up with those big brown eyes. When I rest he rests, when I'm running about the house doing chores he'll settle in one spot and just watch me. Comes up at bed time and presses his face against mine. It really warms my heart and it's as if he knows what I'm up against. But I worry about his well being because animals do get depressed and board and I don't want that to happen with him - so I've been looking for some nice mental games for him and I to play vs the old tug of war and again the heat outside just to run and chase a ball takes it toll on both of us. While he's totally trained there's nothing wrong with starting back at a good heeling pivot and turn up and down the hallway with a few treats and the clicker. Oh how he loved that clicker as a pup - he knew what was coming and loved to learn! I used to put his food in a 2 liter bottle and make him 'work' for his breakfast as I used to get ready in the AM's - he quickly became a pro of learning how to empty that sucker - but again it was all the mental stimulation and him having to think the problem out that was good for him. Sadly dog parks are a no go for him. Not that he's aggressive at all but it's the other people that aren't so educated and would rather judge the breed than the deed sadly. I swear these ladies around here would see us walking and be a block away and they are already stringing their poor toy pups up by their own collars and running the other way LMAO! I think sometimes I prefer animals over people for that very reason. I hope everyone has a great day - keep up the good fight! Throw out all that trash talk in your head, keep the good and remember the lessons of the day to carry those on to the next day!!!

And one more!

One that I've always liked:

I would have to say food - well healthier food at least. And then on those mini impulse trips where you just really need to grab 1 or 2 things from a particular store and end up leaving spending close to $100.00. I need to start leaving my wallet at home and just take a $20 on those days .

NOPE!!!

Thank you Linda! I try to keep things as positive as possible because during all my research I've learned that is the most powerful medicine - taking care of the body mind and spirit and let the Dr's do their job. Not to worry about the things that are out of my control but within my reach! I actually turned 50 this year and also wish I would have made these improvements YEARS and YEARS ago but life never hands you more than you can take. So I'll take it in stride. I'm actually in North Florida some years we spend Christmas on the beach and other years the winters are bone deep cold! But that's Fl. Raining one minute and the sun shining the next. I have only 1 son who's 26 and he's too gung ho to even think about settling down lol. A few have tried but he's one ambitious young man. Thank you for your prayers and I would love to celebrate the end of my treatments because that is my master plan!! Boo - I could not agree with you 100% more. Exercise and the anxiety link do go hand and hand. As you said the mind-body harmony makes a lot of sense. Right now I feel I've just been going and going in more of a 'nesting mode' - cleaning, getting things in order etc. feeling accomplished and feeling good but also being totally out of my routine and my emotions naturally bouncing all over the past few weeks I feel it's time to just settle into a nice healthy routine that just incorporates it all - as you said find that good harmony! I did download an exercise program from the Brio-blog for cancer survivor wellness that helps beat the fatigue and anxiety during treatment and it includes nice mindful deep breathing to help reduce the anxiety and exercises to help build and keep the muscles active when I'll need them most. Between that and a good healthy diet and a lifestyle change it can do nothing but benefit me and that's the key! I did get some extra rest today but did not sleep and that's ok. I'm saving that for tonight. But just relaxing and working some puzzles I picked up today really helped with the recharge I needed and by the time dinner rolled around I was ready to go and felt good! Saved some yogurt for dessert and topped it all off with a glass of 100% OJ!! I also found some ice pop molds and picked up a mini chopper to make my own natural juice pops, banana smoothies or marinades and salsas! This food thing is getting fun! Thanks to everyone for the encouragement and the tips on the game sites! I'll definitely put those to use. And I got my ticker!! Now it's time for a nice long warm bath to relax and then off to bed - hopefully I'll make it past 2:30 this time lol.

Good morning everyone! Well - some sleep did find me between a nice power nap yesterday and maybe a good 5-6 hours tonight. Hopefully I will be able to power back down after a few. Right now I'll take what I can get. I tried to set my ticker and while the quit date is here the little ticker wont seem to stick that gives me the hours/smokes or $ saved. Any tips on that would be appreciated! Right now I just need to ramble - get the junk out of my head so to speak. Just been doing all sorts of research since yesterday was pretty much my 1st day alone after treatment which I find I didn't quite mind so much. Listing questions for my Dr's and going over some of the things I've been 'avoiding' reading out of just sheer fear. I don't like to google a lot about it because - well that's just a whole nother scary rabbit hole. I'll let the medical team worry about their job, things that I cant control and focus on the things that I can control. Body, mind and soul. While I have tons of energy I would like to start some sort of routine exercise program for myself, help build up my strength. Even tho I feel as I've been going and going since I got out I need a nice routine program to help maintain and keep going and getting better. I think that would also help release a lot of my anxiety and help me sleep more better at night. Walking of course is always best - but in this Fl. heat it's just NOT an option at the moment. And it seems if I try to walk somewhere in doors I end up spending money I need to be saving lol. But I could start with just the basics. Some small leg lunges with the aid of a chair. Wall presses, neck head and shoulder rolls. Maybe start with a 1lb hand weight. Just things I'd like to run by the medical team Monday at my next appt. so I know exactly what I can and can not or should not be doing during treatment. And though I have been diving into the whole diet research part, things that will help my condition vs harm I might as well take advantage of the nutritionists on site that cost me nothing. Go over the food list I have, how I'm slowly incorporating it and not just making a drastic jump as that could do more harm then good. Get some professional feedback and assistance with that. I did my 1st mini food prep last night with kidney beans. Aside of opening a can of them never even tried it before lol. That was quite interesting but a source of good healthy protein that's not red meat or just crap going in. So I did the presoak last night and will get to the cook maybe today or tomorrow. I can eat them as a side, toss them in some chicken or fish wraps or throw in a salad with my berries and nuts. I've learned how to cut and store fresh pineapple - some in the fridge rest in the freezer. How to make my own 100 juice pops - definately need to get me a mixer or blender so I can also puree all these good foods into a smoothie, a marinade or my own salad dressing as well. Picked up some kiwi, mangos and avacados part of the 'clean 15' as they call it. Asparagus which I find isn't as bad as I thought if cooked nice and crisp vs boiled limp like my mom used to try and force us to eat (bleh!)! The list of foods just goes on and on - and I used to hate cooking. I'd go out of my way to make my own homemade soaps and body butters, bathbombs and candles and loved it and miss it!! Of course now I cant mess with any of that stuff so cooking is the new soap making/crafting hobby! I have so many new recipes jotted down it's not even funny lol. But that's a good thing! This is all for my benefit so I need to educate myself as much as possible! I've also stopped buying the individual cases of bottled water - I found that I would have all these bottles 1/2 drunk bottles laying around and not knowing how old they were or who's they were and realizing the waste of the plastic and water combined. So went to the jugs and just pour what I need - simple and eco friendly! Just being so conscience about other things as well has helped if that makes sense. The A/C people called and will be out here next week with the new unit - YAY!! So BF is going to seal the windows inside and out just to help a bit more and then cool seal the flat parts of the roof to reflect the heat. There are still somethings we need to go thru and clean out and throw away. But Rome was not built in a day so each day we do a little more at a time. Clean house, clean mind really do go hand in hand. I almost know where everything in my house is again right at the finger tips! I do need to find some good memory/mind games/puzzles etc as my treatment might or will take effect on my short term memory. Again the whole honing in on what I know and just doing it better. The length of the side effects can last months or even years and again that depends on the patient and how much involvement they put into what they can and should control. And I want to be top of my game. I've read where too many patients just don't do anything. They still smoke, eat like crap, sit around all day and wonder why they aren't getting better when the power is all theirs. That will not be me!! Yes I will have my bad days - but I don't plan on staying there!! Today my son is coming over and we are having another lunch date and just hang out for a bit - the real highlight of my week! I don't care how old he gets he will always, always be my 'little boy'. I'm sure you parents can relate. And now the calm comes again. Time to make some oatmeal, chill in the lounger and snag a few hours of rest or possible sleep. Ahhh hopefully some sleep.

LOL - I went to bed at 9pm woke up at 2am and now I'm 10 days ahead in the future already - hahahaha! I had to go check my Wth calendar LMAO! Either way NOPE!!!!

Welcome NNC sorry I missed this post - but kudo's on your goal for that sticky quit! It's a familiar road for alot of us as well. This place offers a treasure trove of information/education and just plain good old advise right at your finger tips 24/7! Use it to empower yourself - you got this!

The foggy headedness - sometimes that does last a while. I always kept thinking I was leaving something - Stopping at the front door right before leaving digging thru my purse like a check list before I dare lock and close it. Keys, wallet, phone, glasses etc? Yup all here aside of Ahhh the pack of smokes! V8 head smack. Or be in the middle of a work thought and just go blank like what WAS I doing again??? Fumbling in the car for what? Ahhh the old familiar - DOH. It's all a normal part of the process just keep your course and remember you are doing this for a very wise reason because after this foggy restlessness you will start to notice so many good things. Smell!! Taste!!! And the 1st time you can take a deep unwheezing breath of fresh air that it almost scares you because feel light headed from just AIR!!!! Crazy I know lol but it's true. Wishing you all the power you need for your weekend!

Welcome aboard and congratulations on you new quit - listen to you body! Stick close and post often if need be. This is a great place with great people full of great advice! I wish you the best of luck on your new quit!!

Thank you all for the tips and just making me feel that all this is ok and normal feelings to have. Today was day 3 of treatment and my appt's are now at 8:45am!! I think this is a really good fit. I'm in and out w/in 20 min tops and can go about the rest of my day as I please. That really puts me in the right head space I need to be in. They did finally give me a play list and I just asked for upbeat and happy - so they chose the song Happy which fit perfect as all I did was think positive happy thoughts as I sung along in my head. There was no traffic to deal with so when I got home I was able to dig into a nice breakfast and just take my time and enjoy it. Sleep is still an issue, but I have a feeling after today things are going to be A-OK in that dept. It's now the weekend and that 1st roller coaster week is out of the way and I'm getting more comfortable with new normal - my body and brain are coming off smoking/caffine and it's just balancing itself out in it's own natural way. All I have to do is remember to breathe deep and let it pass. Another little trick I've come to learn is to turn my darn phone off. If it's important a message will be left and I can listen to it later! Last night there was implosion between 2 of my family team members - so much so that they have been cut off for now. I'm not going to go into the messy details but will only say that it sucks but I had no tears left and was in a place of total numbness. But a numbness that made me find my strongest point. I refuse to be sucked into the drama, the BS the petty stuff that you are spilling over into my home and I refuse to allow it, tolerate it or even entertain it to creep under my doorway. I'm in a good head space for once and that is where I plan to stay for a long, long time. They can either get on board or bicker amongst themselves - that is not MY battle royal. I'm not mad, I'm not sad but I am done with that part of it. Nothing but good vibes and sunshine for me!! I hope everyone has a great weekend because I darn sure plan to!!! AND NOPE TO EVERYTHING ELSE THAT BRINGS YOU DOWN IN LIFE! JUST BE HAPPY!!

So 1:30 Am finds me again and I'm an emotional wreck. I'm so tired and I cant stop crying. What woke me up was my leg cramping, toes curling up on one leg. Any other time it would be nothing really new. I used to get Charlie horses all the time or restless legs, but given this was the 1st night after treatment everything for me is on high alert and I panicked. I kept trying to stretch it out and was almost a bit scared to get up and stand on it and stretch like I normally would. But I did and now it's fine so I'm thinking just all the stress and lack of sleep, not smoking, no caffine the body and brain just readjusting to all of that but something I will definitely bring up tomorrow since this was the 1st night after treatment. I'm well hydrated - I drink so much water now I think I'm a fish. So Yesterday was my 1st day of treatment, late afternoon 1:30pm and again on very little sleep. It was just too much time between being awake and thinking about the appt. - way too much time alone with my own thoughts as the anxiety built up from 4AM onwards. It was my own mental torture. No this time slot is NOT a good fit and I will drive myself insane. I've already talked to them about moving them up to the early AM's so I can get in, get out and go about the rest of my day uninterrupted. That is what I need! None of this lets stop your whole day, then come in, then try to decompress from that and continue on. NO that does not work for me. So tomorrow (today - ugh) they moved it up to 12:45pm and said that by Friday they would have me the earliest appt. available which is around 8am - that was a huge sigh of relief. In early and then free for the rest of the day to do what I want aside of dwelling on it. They did apologize saying that the 1st treatment is a bit longer just so they can make sure everything is lined up correctly and that tomorrow I would be in and out very quickly. Again, another small sigh of relief. But I just lost it 1/2 way in as I laid on my back literally locked in my by face/head mask and only this foam ring for comfort. I tried breathing deep and counting and kept telling myself everything was okay, no pain and it will be over quickly yet it seemed like forever and there was nothing I could do but let the tears and fears just roll from the sides of my eyes as I couldn't really move. I just felt so helpless for the 1st time. I'm sure it was a normal reaction for anyone but I had a hard time coming out of that 'bad' head space. That place you don't want to stay in too long. My mom and sister we in the lobby waiting and I had to stop and sit and gather myself before I could even really speak and found myself again in a flood of tears just frozen in the moment. They were terrified and I could see the look on their faces but no words could come out to tell them I was ok and I just needed a moment. Another thing that was hard for me was the impression this mask leaves on my face. It's like a tennis racket being pressed on your face leaving the diamond mark indentations so I have this Game of Thrones lizard pattern thing going on that sorta hangs around for a few hours. In October that might be cool but not a pretty daytime look and quite a few stares as if people were saying 'I think I just saw a reptilian alien and THEY DO EXIST!' LMAO. (at least I still have my sense of humor thank goodness). So once I was able to 'compose' myself and just explain - I'm ok, it was just tough I could see them breathe a sigh of relief. I think they thought I might be ready just to come home - but this was the last place I wanted to be, in these 4 walls. So lizard face and all I said lets just go do something normal, walk around somewhere just something. So we headed to the local outdoor market so I could get some sun, some socialization and try some new foods. Which I'm finding things I would have never even put near my face tasted so delicious. Portabella mushrooms WHO KNEW. I thought I was eating steak! Yes 3 of those please! So that was a nice but short lived 'balancing out' for me. But then it quickly turned close to 4 or 5 and just went to fast. There wasn't enough time for me to decompress from leaving my mom and sis, walking in the door and letting the dogs outside knowing J would be home any minute. And again for those brief moments I just sobbed thru that small routine. I didn't like it but couldn't shake it so I just let it happen. He got home and asked how everything went and I told him simply I just did not want to talk about it - tell me how YOUR day was. I guess that threw him off but I just didn't want to relive it again - repeat it again - explain it again because I knew I would once again breakdown. Especially with him and after the night before. So I quickly changed the subject to food - always a good distraction and these HUGE mushrooms as he turned his nose up in disgust like I used to lol. But hey they wont go to waste that's for sure! I also picked up a mango and 2 avacado's to learn to make my own quick dressings/mixes with yogurt that aren't straight up mayo for my tuna or my salads or to make a marinade over pork or chicken. I'm still making sure I'm eating regular fattening food as I will need to put on the weight but it's really cool trying new things and adding them to what I already eat and making it even better. Plus at least this way when it's time to really go for the balanced, healthy nutritional new lifestyle diet I will already know what it is I like and the switch wont be so dramatic and costly. And again a nice 'distraction' from everything else. But the of course he really wanted to know how things went. And I was honest and broke down again. He really had/has no clue as to how scary and overwhelming this can be at times. And I get that....and he apologized for night before saying he would try to be more 'sensitive' to my emotions....but I told him when I say ENOUGH that means ENOUGH and it's for a reason. And when he see's me start to get frustrated that is his que to back the F up and he agreed and we dropped the subject then and there. Whew - see just me getting this all out has made me feel so much better. I don't know if I'll be able to get some sleep in now that it's almost 4am - but I hope so. I know what to expect for tomorrow, it will be just me and my sister because sometimes too many people tend to rock the boat. She is my calming sounding board and is spending the whole day and night with me tomorrow and I'm so looking forward to it. As of now I'm going to retreat into the den, into my recliner and hope to get some sleep before noon or even just peaceful rest. I think that would make all the difference and give me the strength I need to face tomorrow. All baby steps - and the new journey begins! Out with the trash, keep the lessons and carry them into the next day!

Thank you QueenB - that is exactly what I needed to hear!! And I love the Let it be what it is - k-sa'ra, sar'ra!

I really want to say once again thank you to everyone for allowing me this space and sounding board. It has helped me stay sane more than you can imagine. Hearing others stories and words of encouragement really do keep things going. Times like now when it's almost 3 in the AM and my mind just wont stop. So much happening at once which is good - Tomorrow is the 1st day of my treatment and as Jordan7 said - officially on the road of recovery! And I do have so much to be thankful for. So for the GREAT part of the day: and so EDUCATIONAL and this is why questions are so important to ask!!! The A/C people that came out today have known my mother forever - they refer to her as 'the legend' lol. When he 1st arrived and looked at everything he was like oh this is a simple change out you'll barely know we were even here. I realized at that time he did not have the entire back story as to the medical condition I was facing and my questions and concerns. I could see the change in his face immediately as I explained what I was up against and as it turns out this was NOT the 1st time he's heard or dealt with medical cases that required special equipment far beyond a basic new unit which was a huge relief!! This man was truly concerned and stopped everything right then and there and quickly turned my kitchen table into a conference table between everyone he knew he could think of, had me get my Dr's. on the phone while they all conferenced about this new A/C unit. I was just blown away - something I would have never expected in a million years. A/C men and Dr's coming together over an A/C unit?? I'm not going to lie I was like this is a huge stab in the dark, how will Dr's know about A/C units??? But they did!!! They knew exactly what this man was describing. This was something that they ALL HAD experience with in regards to these special filters and air treatment systems that are equipped with these zero ozone emissions UV lights down to how it totally changes the quality of the air to almost a medical grade because these are the systems the Dr's themselves use in some of their smaller facilities and certain patients with medical conditions that have also had these installed in their homes based on their conditions. Things I had never heard of or knew of. I thought the Dr's were going to be like yeaaaa ummmmm hmmmm we have no idea. But it was the total opposite. They knew their stuff!!! They were all in agreement that yes this was the best type of 'unit and equipment' for my situation. Just the collaboration between the A/C people AND the Dr's and the time they all took out of their day for this just left me floored and in tears. I think any other co. would have walked away but not this man - there was a reason he did what he did and I could never be more grateful to him and my Dr's and my mom it was all just a hidden blessing in disguise! So at the end of the day there was a huge sigh of relief that at least we now had direction in this area, one less stressor to deal with and a new fancy more than just a basic A/C unit on the way. There is really no price for peace of mind - NONE! The middle of the day was calmer and that was fine with me. I was tired from little sleep but not tired enough to 'nap' hoping I could hold out and sleep all night (ha -jokes on me!) We had a nice lunch and my mom was actually getting interested in this 'food' thing I had been researching because again the A/C guy actually brought up the diet part while he was here - so clearly he had a story somewhere that he could relate to. He had actually switched to a healthy clean diet and was listing off local markets and stores for me to check out. Naming off foods that I already had a list of as my mom was going down my very check list. So I think having her 'hear' it from someone who was more of a peer to her really was the AHHHH moment of 'you are what you eat' and now she has a better understanding of a fresh homemade chicken salad vs Wendy's chicken salad/sandwich or fries and why I'm going in the direction of just more healthy balanced meals then just eating whatever. The strange of the day: My sister and I were on the phone talking about my treatment, the possible side effects and of course hair - loss since this is whole brain radiation and will more than likely kill the roots. Slowly diving into the research of the scarfs the night caps, hats, wigs etc. When all of a sudden she mentioned that within the hour we had talked on the phone she immediately starting getting pop ups or ads about the very subject. So that kicked off the whole TV/Phones 'listening' in on your conversations. And that was a rabbit hole with in itself lol. And of course the flop of the day. Everything for once was going nice and smooth and just ahhhhh. My BF - J got home, I had been marinating lean loin chops for dinner trying to get this balanced meal thing another go, trying to have just a normal everyday conversation with him only to realize something was off. And it took me a moment to realize he was drunk. At first I thought he was just messing with me because he kept asking me to repeat myself. Now given all I'm going through it scared me - like maybe he was testing my speech or noticed something I hadn't?? Again this is all unchartered territory for me so of course I'm a bit on edge about these things. And he would say no you're fine and then ask how I was holding up only to constantly interrupt me and over talk me leaving me thinking then WHY did you even ask?? And that was the ding, ding, ding moment. YOU ARE DRUNK. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING AND THIS IS NOT HOW I'M ENDING 'MY' DAY!!! HERE'S THE COUCH HERE'S YOUR PILLOWS GO PASS OUT AND LEAVE ME ALONE AND IF YOU EVER PULL THIS CRAP AGAIN THE FRONT DOOR IS RIGHT THERE!! Because at that point your just being a jerk and messing with me and that is something I will NOT tolerate. So I retreated to my room and just fumed screaming and railing into my journal trying to release it all but NOPE I was pissed. So I decided from today on out I'm going radio silent on him as far as 'talking about it'. It's a deep rabbit hole even sober so yea. Then he woke up this AM crying - upset wanting to talk and I told him no. Go to work hope you have a GREAT DAY and I'll see you when you get home - PERIOD. This morning is NOT the morning to discuss YOUR feelings - today is about me and that is that - that's all the energy I'm putting into the rest of that mess. I don't plan on answering his calls today - not out of spite. But if you really want to know how I'm doing then lets calmly talk over a nice dinner and NOT a bottle of whiskey or quick afternoon check-in. NOPE! Until then just don't. OKAY so that was a bit of a rant but I had to get it out!!!! So today I'm tired, nervous, ready - getting my mind powered up to positive for my 1st treatment. Plan to go out and do something 'normal' afterwards and hope that nothing else rocks my boat in the mean time. Baby steps w/out the BS!!

Looks like some sleep found me last night. At least until 4ish AM. But hey I'll take what I can get at this point. Yesterday was an upside down day for me and had me back into the deer in the headlights stage at moments. The morning started fine. J (my BF) went back to work and I started my morning after he left by taking care of me. A nice long shower and shampoo. Trimming my nails down etc. the small but important things so to speak. By 7am I was boiling all the silverware lol. Just again all that unfiltered energy and trying to do something productive with it. The plan for the day was supposed to be nice and simple. My mom got here around 10ish and we were only planning to head to a few stores that are literally blocks away from me before the A/C guys were to show up. Needless to say what should have taken no more than an hour turned into a 3hr journey due to all the calls in between and while in the store. They came flooding in like the fast and the furious as soon as we hit the store. Having to stop and break out pen and paper to jot things down on the back of a grocery list was not quite ideal - but we made due. The 1st call was to cancel my PET scan as my ins. denied it. However I almost expected that part because I work for the very co. that is providing my ins. and I know how the game is played with certain things. DENY up front just because, then wait for more medical records and then finally approve. Ins is not a charity but a business 1st a foremost - period! And this is why it's so important for people to empower themselves by becoming their own patient advocates and knowing their policies inside and out as much as possible. Just because they say no were not going to approve this or that test does not really mean NO. It means you hound them and you have your Dr's hound them and pound them with clinical policies etc. until they finally approve. It's a messed up game but one I see on a daily basis in my job. So okay not the end of the world - the test gets pushed back for now, they do know it's not related to my diagnosis but figured since my deductible and out of pocket are met lets get done what we can! So Kudo's for that. And in the meantime I don't have to do all the prepping of fasting etc. for that test. We'll just finish shopping - NOPE...I get the 2nd phone call regarding radiation. It's official and I start Wednesday (tomorrow) at 1:30 everyday Mon-Fri until the 20th. Which is good that we are starting now vs a week from now. But again just 'confirming' it was a sort of a BOOM moment for me as I'm standing in the middle of the store with an empty basket and jotting down information. I found I just couldn't concentrate like I needed to but tried to push on with my small list. Not 5 min later another phone call and not a thing in my basket. This call was for my leave of absence. They do not want to rush me back to work however understand some people don't have the benefits of ST/LT paid leave and have no choice but to return ASAP. Their suggestion was to keep me out until Oct/Nov. NOT that I would actually be out for that long but just a precaution while going through treatment and allowing me MY TIME and PACE to say okay - I'm ready when 'I'M' ready and my job be protected. That part can always be re-visited and revamped and I could easily be back working from home come Sept. again at MY PACE - no deadline, no pressure no one saying you HAVE to come back or your fired type crap and dealing with that stress. Now it was at this point where I should have said, OKAY lets call it a day and we'll finish up the shopping tomorrow - however trying to be a trooper I pressed on which was my mistake. We were trying to beat the A/C guys to the house so lets just get THIS small list done. Again another lesson learned that somethings just really aren't THAT important. So once again trying to fill the basket and another phone call regarding my meds, my refills, peeling back on the steroids with radiation starting etc. my poor grocery list was turning into a medical documentation in the middle of the store and I might have had a bag of cat food in at this time lol. I checked with my mom just to see how she was doing - she kept saying she was fine and didn't mind finishing up the list at all. So once we got the basics I did stop to check out some of the healthier foods to start tossing into my diet little by little - veggies, fruit, albacore tuna, beans, nuts, whole grains - looking at the healthier leaner cuts of meats, chicken, pork, fish. And this is where I could see my mom getting frustrated and not understanding my reading of ingredients and which foods I was searching for - staying away from canned or processed and going 'fresh'. She also kept complaining how more expensive Publix was compared to Walmart and just how ridiculous the prices were. And I told her it was fine - I'd rather pay $200 NOT to walk into Walmart vs $100 on healthy and that's when she slipped up and said 'It's as if you've never been to a grocery store before'. I was SLAMMED right there to the floor. She wasn't trying to be mean or snippy but the comment still just hit me so hard and made me feel well.....stupid. That's the only way I can describe it. And that's when I decided that part of the day was OVER - DONE in that moment for me. It was all I could do not to just break down and cry and run to my car. Instead I said I just headed for the checkout counter. Once we got home I excused myself while she made her lunch and I went and cried in my bathroom and tried to pull myself together. She was at a total loss as to what just happened and in a way I 'get it'. I wasn't mad at her as I reminded myself that there will be days like this and that's OKAY! To her it was just a grocery trip that took forever, to me it was a lot of information flooding my brain and trying to concentrate at the same time and just getting overwhelmed in the middle of a simple trip that just didn't go as planned. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD. This morning I can look back and sort of snicker on it - but in those moments. I was scared and a bit lost and for her it was probably hard to watch her quick witted child just freeze up at something so simple and not understand the why behind the freeze. And again THAT'S OKAY! We are all processing it at our own pace. As long as at the end of the day I make sure that my state of mind is at peace this is all part of the journey. This was a day I needed my sister and that's where this whole 'family team' dynamic can get tense - different generations, personalities, ideas etc. Each person for a role without interfering with the others role. Everyone wants to help and do what they can which is fantastic and I feel very fortunate to have that. But we have to all communicate better so we are all on the same page and all a bit more patient with each other. My sister can handle watching me get overwhelmed and help calm me down, where as my mom just doesn't quite know what to do or say and in ways can make things a bit more harder by saying the wrong things at the wrong time. Again, lessons we all have to learn. And it turns out the A/C guys had to cancel and will be here this AM around 10 and we'll go from there. NO EXPECTATIONS and I'll take today moment by moment vs looking at it in the 'whole' day. Last night after my mom left and I felt 'calmer' I cooked a nice balanced meal for the 1st time in ages! Even J was quite impressed. I was afraid it was going to be bland and bleh but it was really good and filling. Skinless marinated chicken, brown rice with almond slices and a nice salad of mixed greens with raw broccoli, nuts and berries a bit of shredded cheese topped with a light Italian dressing and a spoonful of cottage cheese on the side. The after snack was HUMMUS (so excited about the hummus lol) with whole grain crackers. Again, just starting out small and simple. This morning was oatmeal with fresh blueberries mmm so good. And today is a new day - I'll take the lessons I've learned from yesterday and apply them to today. Baby steps! I hope everyone has a great day! No matter what hits you just keep the course, keep up the GOOD FIGHT and don't listen to the nico-demon lies you head may tell you. Just NOPE!!

Thanks everyone! I'm trying to stay as productive as possible knowing what's ahead and the days that wont be so productive that way I'm not so behind the 8 ball as they say. Because I have that PET scan for my back coming up Tuesday, today was an easy day for me as instructed no over doing it for the next 48hrs - just 'normal' activity. I have to say it was hard not to dive in so I just kept busy with wiping things down lol - over and over lol! Tables, chairs, lamps - it didn't matter just as long as I wasn't sitting still! I've also been doing research on my upcoming treatment and the effects that come with it. It's overwhelming to say the least. But being mentally prepared is key. And I have to take the information in small doses, jot down some notes, walk away and decompress then come back and take in some more. Short term memory could be an issue, the slowing down of my thought pattern itself terrifies me. And while it's a side effect vs something that is permanent it's recommended rather than trying to do or learn new things that may totally throw off my normal routine and just cause more confusion or anxiety it's best that I hone in on what I already know only to do it better! Just nice, steady and productive. Whew - just typing that out makes my head spin. But in basic terms - keep it simple!! I've also been reading up on healthy eating specific to my treatment and diagnosis. While I know things like my overall lifestyle diet need to change it's not something that is going to happen overnight. I grew up on southern fried everything so this part will be interesting. I plan to be careful and not just dash off to the store for superfoods that I know nothing about. But I did find that again 'simple' things like adding fish to my diet, how to interchange lowering the red meats, nixing the processed foods and balancing it out with other types of better nutrition like beans and whole grains, nuts etc. even hummus (gotta love hummus - mmmm). Things I plan to incorporate into my diet during the process a little at a time and just be smart about it. Again so much to learn - but it's all good things! Tomorrow my BF goes back to work and he needs to - he needs to get back to 'his' normal. My mom is chomping at the bits to come over, it's been almost a week? But I'm really glad she is I'm don't want to be alone all day at least not yet. We can head off to Wally-world and just walk around since it's soooo hot outside. She's been wanting to get more active so we'll do it together. In the meantime I plan to keep up to date with my journey, it's therapy for the mind and hopefully helpful to those who are at whatever point they are at in their quit - to never give up! NOPE!

Yea that sleep thing is starting to get old - though I will say it's getting better. It's just odd not working and having no set routine at the moment. I kept forgetting yesterday was a Saturday as things still tend to merge. But Since my BF returns to work tomorrow a whole new normal will fall in order and then maybe things will start to fall into place better for me. I'll do better than a cookie for Tank and Luna and give them a nice rib bone for you! About once a month my neighbor will bring them a huge bag of ribs and boy do they know when she's coming! I did tell my sister that it was not a good idea her to be around me right now, especially since it seems to be sweeping through her household at the moment. That the best way she could help me was to take care of herself 1st and foremost. Yesterday was a mixed bag of stress! Woke up to find our A/C unit had froze up in the middle of the night. And let me tell you Fl. is NOT the place to be with out A/C - even in the winter lol! They were able to come out and get her kick started so things are nice and cool again but we decided to have them just come out this Monday and replace the whole unit inside and out. This is no time to second guess or play around. I knew it was an older model but when he said it was from 1994 there was no question this was something that needed to be invested in ASAP - especially given everything else going on. We're going to have them do new duct work as well - I don't even want to know what's lurking up in there. But I'm still feeling good, physically and mentally - everyday I get a bit more accomplished and it makes such a huge difference in so many ways! To walk into the bathroom and not find the counters overrun with make up and make up dust, and hair ties and just crap falling off the counters to the floor because it was so darned cluttered! Each room has only what it needs now - easy peasy simplified! I guess it is true when they say clean house/clean mind! And no big plans for today aside of him cleaning the floors - the last of the last great chores for this week. I'll be hiding in the den with some movies and snacks from that part due to all the bleaching involved. And speaking of snacks and food OMG I feel so guilty all the eating I'm doing!! I know that I need it and that's part of the job the steroids are supposed to do but also not smoking I'm afraid I may be over indulging just a tad lol. But have been making the choice not to just dig into whatever is quick and easy and unhealthy. But it's almost like being pregnant. And it's saying FEED ME!! Ppeanut butter and banana's! Homemade grilled chicken salads, oatmeal or bacon, egg and cheese for breakfast - and sometimes BOTH! I was never really much of a 3 meal a day person and now I'm a good 5 meal a day and then some! Last night was spaghetti and meatballs - mmmm. I'm drooling already lol!

NOPE