MLMR

Thanks a lot! Things are finally, finally calming down. It helped me to spend some less time here, deliberately focussing on other things than quitting. Smoking/quitting is fading to the background and moodswings are balancing out. I do have my moments (just got home from a nice weekend in sunny Germany and I really had to sit for 10' to enjoy the silence of my own house and to realise the slight unease I felt was normal and had ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with craving). I am so grateful for the simple passing of time, and for learning to trust the proces. To me, that might just be the most important side reward of quitting. Picture I took when I visited the SS Rotterdam three weeks ago (just for coffee 😊). The sign hit me, couldnt explain to my friend why! But you guys know!

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Just woke up, had a smokey dream. One after another, not bothered at all. It took me over 15 minutes after waking up to ditch the thought of failure and to realise it was just a dream! Only just gradually coming back again... ahhh, I didnt. It was only a dream and I am just as smokefree as I was yesterday or will be tomorrow! Working towards 8 months!

I am so sorry for you. I dont know what to say, except that I whish you all the strength and wisdom to deal with this. I admire you for keeping your quit. Thats mighty strong. Please come back here when you need it.

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Linda, congrats on your super quit! How are you doing?

You interpret that as desire, while in reality its your junkie brain talking. Got to rewire and change brain patterns. You are doing so since today, congrats!

@Mona, im not sure if writing an sos is asking people to hold my hand. I think its about making space for myself, acknoledging that I am in a bad place. So far, it helped and I can recommend it. Since ten days ago, as you quoted, I still came here almost every day. Tried to conciously choose what to read and what not, instead of mindlessly consuming all thats on the board. Some days were better than others. Its been like that since the start and thats ok. I find this proces a remarkable one, were the differences in my perception, faith, strength can vary very strongly, even from day to day. Ive had many highs, and they are just as 'true' as the lows. Even with yesterday on my mind, I dare say I am strong in my quit and I believe I will make it to that first year lido deck. (And by saying strong in my quit, I dont mean reckless!) As for cheering on newbies, I have reasons for not always doing that. Sometimes I do, sometimes I dont. I think everybody has their own way here, right? I whish you strength in your own quit, do you keep a diary or something? I might just drop a line now and then 😊

@sgt.barney right on. I believed for half a day there that quitting actually took something away. 😱What was I thinking😱 Thats hardcore junkie stuff. The real deal.

@jillar I take meds occasionally. When I have a really busy week, or in case its super extra ultra inconvenient.. but i find theyre addictive and they mess up my sleep. Besides, how awfull this all may be, I still convince myself I can grow through it. Meds dont help with that. The strange thing is, I am not really concerned about what other people think. Not in day to day life.. i have a pretty well developed side in me thats all about, hey whatever, lets all just be nice and dont mind each other that much. You are ok, I am ok. Unless one of us is being a m.f. ofcourse. But when anxiety hits... its like I am suddenly covered in a big black cloak of judgemental thinking. It can trigger extreme thoughts and fears and usually when it happens, I hate myself for it (just to make matters worse). It can last ten minutes, or two days... often totally unpredictable. I recently discovered Tiffany Jenkins, from 'Juggling the Jenkins'. A former addict, mother of 3 and dealing with depression and anxiety. She has some hilarious sketches, I love the way she is able to use humor on such dark subjects. People like her give me hope and make it lighter. ❤️

THANKS for this. Seeing these things would be bliss, right now I am mainly glad that the worst part is over. There must be a moment in the future where i realise all that. I went to the beach and took a long walk. After that, I drove to a nearby park and walked for another hour or so. Back home I wrote myself a letter, about how far Ive come and that there are better times ahead. Put in on my fridge. Thanks @Doreensfree for telling me to stay close. It helped me a big deal. @Ankush, you are right about the exercize tips. I still take daily walks to release tension. I never thought of exercize in relation to grieving. Will concider it. @babs609, that is true. About rewiring and certain reactions to life because of having smoked for such a long time. I tend to forget that I am 'only' at seven months... I always feel like it should be done by now... ok so it doesnt work like that. And @Paul723, I really, really try to believe you. Yet, I have changed since quitting. Sure, lot of it is good..but i dont always like this new me. I really try to have faith in the proces and I keep telling myself that I am not there yet... and that I will like myself again, sooner or later...

@notsmokinjo im sorry, my previous reaction may have come across as ungrateful. I dont mean it like that. I know you mean well and you are probably right. Everything is a bit blurry here and i can become bitchy when i am actually a bit mad with myself. Again, no offence.

Ofcourse i know that... But, tell it to that part of my brain thats home to a nasty stinkin green smelly monster! Trust me, if it were that easy, just being satisfied with what I have achieved (which is, if you ask me, way below what I am able to)... And thats dawning more and more. These moodswings and anxiety problems have robbed me from so many things, since I was a kid. I am grieving and coming to terms with what I could have become/done etc. Yes I know, could have should have would have doesnt bring anywhere. Well, time to put some loud music on and clean the cats toilet. At least i am 4 hours away from where this morning got me

Thanks both for bucking me up. I am still hanging in. Honestly dont know how. @notsmokinjo, expectations that are beyond realistic. I dont conciously put myself up to meet them, it happens all under the surface. I have only so much room to deal with them... it really is a bitter pill to swallow, that it has become worse. I even have it here, i am am often terrified what people will think. Its crippling, really. But from time to time i have to write, to protect my quit. I know fear is a concept and i know I generate it myself. Thats the most frustrating part. I sure hope to find my confident self soon enough.

I know that this is life. I keep telling myself that. And that its ok to hurt. And smoking wont make a hell of a difference. Well yes it would, it would make me hate myself. And thats the least i should want right now. I really had good hope anxiety would keep diminishing. But its not and i am so disappointed. I aimed for that to happen. And now i find myself dealing with it almost every day again. This ongoing terror voice of how i will never ever be able to reach expectations. I try to meditate, to breath deep, to laugh about it, whatever. I am so so so done with that, yet I dont see how it will ever subside. It ruins my day, my work, my relations.

I am so tired of fighting!! I miss my old self, the way I pushed through when i was anxious, I had more flair, I laughed way more. I want all of that back. Its like I am losing ons thing after another. Friend died, love troubles, work which doesnt fullfill me anymore. And I debunked al the smokey thoughts, I studied and learned, kept believing and reaching out and all for... What?! I. Just. Want. To. Be. Ok. And. At. Peace. And. Not. Have. This. Giant. Self. Doubt. Shit 😭

Didn't think I would need this part of the board again, yet here I am. There's just too much sh*t going on again. My whole being believes smoking will give me my sense of self back, my confidence. Like, then at least I have something thats mine and mine alone, to fall back on. I dont get how after all this time and after all the highs this thing still can be so overwhelmingly present. I dont have ammo ready and that scares the crap out of me. I should know better by now, NOPE is my ammo and its at my service, 24 hrs a day. These are just... emotions. They will pass. Arghh arghhh arghhh!!!!!

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Thanks @Doreensfree. Got to get through this evening in one piece!

I think I miss smoking, because i am addicted. Its not because the weather is so nice, or because I miss a person. Its not because of anxiety, or smoking being some magic cure. Its because i am adicted to nicotine and therefor have all these associations and so I tend to believe my thoughts. I dont have to believe them. I can choose not to. This is that particulair point in time, I have been here before. I can do this. Its 221 days now. Wouldnt want to throw that away, would I? Smoking is not comforting, soothing, easing, whatever. Smoking is giving in to addiction and slowly killing myself. Wouldnt want that, would I?

Nope, not even...

Seriously, hating this first time-ever cold sore outbreak. Fever, blisters on top AND IN my mouth, lymph nodes gone crazy. Prescription of an anti virus bomb, gave me the worst headache. Lips still at embarrasment level 100+, fever gone. Blisters in mouth popping all at once, eating has been hurting like hell for three days now. On top of that, craving cigarettes heavily, probably because of after-fever trigger (though i remember that first one always tasted disgusting) ánd because i am not sure what to do with myself right now. Arghhh friggityfriggfriggshit. Ps Jillar, I am so sorry to hear about your mom.

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